Recovery Nation

Post subject: Chickadee62's recovery threadPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:23 pm



Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:45 pm
Posts: 3 I have been married for almost 20 years and have just recently discovered my husband’s addiction to porn and masturbation. In hind sight, I guess I have had my suspicions for a very long time. This is a second marriage for both of us. When I met him 22 years ago I was married although the marriage was on the rocks and I was a practicing alcoholic who was drinking heavily. The marriage ended, I left and within no time, began seeing my present husband who was at that time divorced. In the beginning we did have fun but I was drinking and so was he and life seemed good. In that first year he even talked me into watching a soft porn movie with him but I found it distasteful so turned it off and said I didn’t want to watch that stuff again. I found magazines, but he convinced me it was just a guy thing and no big deal.
He flirted outrageously with younger women, some young enough to be his daughter and it angered me but he always brushed it off....to make things worse, the young women found him charming and cute and so paid attention to him which just fuelled his ego. I hated going to parties with him...he always deserted me and being a shy person I was always filled with anxiety. He puts little effort into it working...he couldn’t hold a job so is self-employed, spends hours on the computer or watching movies alone. I had no idea what he was doing until a couple of years ago I inadvertently came across a folder of pornographic images he had stored on the computer. I questioned it and he came up with some lame excuse, I told him to get rid of them and thought that was the end of that. A few months ago I found images saved in a folder on one of my data drives that I used to take information back and forth to work. He made some crazy excuse up which I didn’t buy and he promised he would never do that again,
A few weeks ago we went on a trip to Nicaragua and Costa Rica, a trip I had been planning for a long time and had hoped we might restore some intimacy into our marriage. Once there, he became colder than usual and wouldn’t even hold my hand crossing busy unfamiliar streets. He picked fights with me for almost no reason and spent a lot of time on my I-pad which I had taken to keep in touch with my mother in law who is 93 years old. Getting WIFI service was one of the first things he did each time we checked into a new hotel and I never suspected a thing until one day he was out on the lounge chair with it and I surprised him and he slammed the device shut so quickly. I asked him why and he just stuttered some lame excuse as was his habit but I wouldn’t let it go and told him he was a very poor liar and it showed on his face. He just walked away but I couldn’t let go of it and demanded an explanation. He walked away again and later told me he was looking up some Costa Rican dancers we had seen before lunch...
The whole trip was marred by arguments...he usually picked them. He started smoking again after being off them for 6 months and told me he wanted to drink. He did quit 2 years ago, has relapsed 3 times and has now been sober 8 months. I talked him out of that but I knew he was not happy. There was no intimacy on our trip and at times I almost begged him to be more loving and affectionate and at one point even suggested we pretend we were on our honeymoon.....nothing! I was hurt, but more than that I just couldn’t figure it out...I still can’t really. Once we got home he seemed to change his attitude and instigated love making the first night home. He quickly began doing things that he knows I am not comfortable doing and have told him so. I ended it and rolled over and went to sleep and he was not happy. Next morning I woke him up with a coffee and told him we needed to talk. I informed him that I would not tolerate the kind of things he had attempted to do the night before and he knew it was not something I would ever do. I told him maybe if he didn’t look at so much porn he would be able to love me as a lady and his wife and he would generally treat me with love and respect. I didn’t give him a chance to reply but added that he had better not try to deny it and lie because that would just compound his sin. He hung his head and admitted that he did like looking at it occasionally and admitted that was what he spent a lot of time doing on the computer. I was furious and did not respond very well. Later when I had calmed down I told him I wanted some honest answers and he said he was willing to talk. He says he only looks at it once a week usually...I know that is a lie. I asked him what else he did and he said he masturbated while looking at it. Now I know I’m naive but that just floored me...I had never heard of that in married men before but it explained why I usually instigated love making and he frequently turned me down. I have gotten over the initial shock and disbelief and my emotions have been on a roller coaster. I ordered him out of our bedroom and he is in the guest room. We barely speak. I can hardly look at him any more and I feel total disdain for him. I am a Christian and I know I have to forgive him but I am not ready yet and I don’t believe I have to forgive him until he is repentant which is not at this point in time.
I joined a support group of almost 700 women who have all been where I am in one way or another and their support is wonderful...just to know I am not alone. It was from that site that I found a link to Recovery Nation and this is the first step in my recovery...I hope.

I have previously posed this in the wrong forum and can't delete it but am now hopefully posting it in the right place.

I have been married for almost 20 years and have just recently discovered my husband’s addiction to porn and masturbation. In hind sight, I guess I have had my suspicions for a very long time. This is a second marriage for both of us. When I met him 22 years ago I was married although the marriage was on the rocks and I was a practicing alcoholic who was drinking heavily. The marriage ended, I left and within no time, began seeing my present husband who was at that time divorced. In the beginning we did have fun but I was drinking and so was he and life seemed good. In that first year he even talked me into watching a soft porn movie with him but I found it distasteful so turned it off and said I didn’t want to watch that stuff again. I found magazines, but he convinced me it was just a guy thing and no big deal.
He flirted outrageously with younger women, some young enough to be his daughter and it angered me but he always brushed it off....to make things worse, the young women found him charming and cute and so paid attention to him which just fuelled his ego. I hated going to parties with him...he always deserted me and being a shy person I was always filled with anxiety.
He puts little effort into it working...he couldn’t hold a job so is self-employed, spends hours on the computer or watching movies alone. I had no idea what he was doing until a couple of years ago I inadvertently came across a folder of pornographic images he had stored on the computer. I questioned it and he came up with some lame excuse, I told him to get rid of them and thought that was the end of that. A few months ago I found images saved in a folder on one of my data drives that I used to take information back and forth to work. He made some crazy excuse up which I didn’t buy and he promised he would never do that again,
A few weeks ago we went on a trip to Nicaragua and Costa Rica, a trip I had been planning for a long time and had hoped we might restore some intimacy into our marriage. Once there, he became colder than usual and wouldn’t even hold my hand crossing busy unfamiliar streets. He picked fights with me for almost no reason and spent a lot of time on my I-pad which I had taken to keep in touch with my mother in law who is 93 years old. Getting WIFI service was one of the first things he did each time we checked into a new hotel and I never suspected a thing until one day he was out on the lounge chair with it and I surprised him and he slammed the device shut so quickly. I asked him why and he just stuttered some lame excuse as was his habit but I wouldn’t let it go and told him he was a very poor liar and it showed on his face. He just walked away but I couldn’t let go of it and demanded an explanation. He walked away again and later told me he was looking up some Costa Rican dancers we had seen before lunch...
The whole trip was marred by arguments...he usually picked them. He started smoking again after being off them for months and told me he wanted to drink. He did quit 2 years ago, has relapsed 3 times and has now been sober 8 months. I talked him out of that but I knew he was not happy. There was no intimacy on our trip and at times I almost begged him to be more loving and affectionate and at one point ever suggested we pretend we were on our honeymoon.....nothing! I was hurt, but more than that I just couldn’t figure it out...I still can’t really. Once we got home he seemed to change his attitude and instigated love making the first night home. He quickly began doing things that he knows I am not comfortable doing and have told him so. I ended it and rolled over and went to sleep and he was not happy. Next morning I woke him up with a coffee and told him we needed to talk. I informed him that I would not tolerate the kind of things he had attempted to do the night before and he knew it was not something I would ever do. I told him maybe if he didn’t look at so much porn he would be able to love me as a lady and his wife and he would generally treat me with love and respect. I didn’t give him a chance to reply but added that he had better not try to deny it and lie because that would just compound his sin. He hung his head and admitted that he did like looking at it occasionally and admitted that was what he spent a lot of time doing on the computer. I was furious and did not respond very well. Later when I had calmed down I told him I wanted some honest answers and he said he was willing to talk. He says he only looks at it once a week usually...I know that is a lie. I asked him what else he did and he said he masturbated while looking at it. Now I know I’m naive but that just floored me...I had never heard of that in married men before but it explained why I usually instigated love making and he frequently turned me down.
I have gotten over the initial shock and disbelief and my emotions have been on a roller coaster. I ordered him out of our bedroom and he is in t he guest room. We barely speak. I can hardly look at him any more and I feel total disdain for him. I am a Christian and I know I have to forgive him but I am not ready yet and I don’t believe I have to forgive him until he is repentant which is not at this point in time.
I joined a support group of almost 700 women who have all been where I am in one way or another and their support is wonderful...just to know I am not alone. It was from that site that I found a link to Recovery Nation and this is the first step in my recovery...I hope.

Hello chickadee62,

Yes, you are now in the correct forum! I am sorry for the circumstances that have found you here, but fortunately you are here. You are not alone. Welcome to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

My vision for myself.
I have been an enabler and a people pleaser for far too many years and have often limited myself by not persuing activities my husband was not interested in. I don’t know what the future holds for me, whether I will start over alone or stay in this marriage. .. I choose not to make that decision today.
What I do envision is an independent life regardless of whether I stay married or choose a different path. I will embrace activities I have been putting off, like taking photography classes and becoming more proficient at a hobby that I am passionate about. Taking another Spanish class and actually learning the language. I see myself as a much more actively involoved grandma with my two precious little grandchildren regardless if Grandpa is eager or not...they will know me as the grandma who did spend time doing fun things with them and sharing this beautiful world and teaching them about nature and the world of living creatures. I will embrace the things in my life that I care about with passion rather than just making time for them. I see myself living out my years pleasing me for once and filling my life with things that I have put off for too many years....I’ve simply been existing and I see myself as fully living. Every day, with reading, sharing and learning, I see myself becoming a strong, independent woman who can stand alone happily if I choose to.

Times I should have listened to my heart.
Many times throughout our marriage there have been times when I knew in my heart that things were not right but ignored that feeling in the pit of my stomach for fear of opening a Pandora’s box. At times I did confront and question and was usually answered with lies and deception. Even before we were married he made a date with his last girlfriend supposedly to see if he still had feelings for her and when questioned about the clandestine nature of it replied that he didn’t want to upset me with what he was doing. He continued to contact this girl for several months and even invited her to our home. He invited another woman he had dated and been intimate with to our wedding even though I told him it would make me very uncomfortable. Several times in the work place he has had what he calls ‘emotional affairs’ with young ladies and has on more than one occasion invited them into our home. A few summers ago my daughter and I were going away for a long weekend and just before we left he told me about a young woman at work that he had befriended and flirted with and she had indicated to him she might drop around while my daughter and I were away for the weekend. He was afraid she might so told me about it...He has searched for long lost girl friends, old co-workers...all young and pretty and many others on facebook until I told him to remove his account when I inadvertently found out when he left his page open to messages and I saw the list that he had been sending out to try to find someone...He is a terrible liar and if I suspect things and question him his lies give him away every time and he knows it. I seem to always have an instinct that he has been up to no good just by his mannerisms, behaviour etc. But so often dismiss it because I think I don’t always want to know. It’s sometimes just easier to turn a blind eye to things.
I think I knew before I married him he could not be trusted with other women but I went ahead and married him anyway, I believe knowing it was a mistake but not knowing how to get out of it. The night of our rehearsal he flirted outrageously with an old ‘friend’ and at that point I knew I was in for a troubled marriage but being co-dependent as I am, I just couldn’t let everyone down so went ahead with the wedding. If I had been a stronger person I never would have married him and I would likely have saved myself a lifetime of grief!
From this day forward I will listen to my heart and act appropriately to save myself any more pain.

Lesson 4
My husband has had a problem with SA ever since I have known him only I didn’t realize it until recently. It has progressed over the years however and changed him drastically. He no longer seems like the man I fell in love with and I see so many of his values have now changed.
In the beginning, he was an outgoing person full of fun and I hope this returns once he finishes his recovery workshop and we go on to the couple’s workshop. He has become almost reclusive over the past few years and never wants to go out and do things anymore.
He used to be a great communicator but now is secretive and once he works on his SA I hope the secrecy is a thing of the past and we communicate what is in our hearts honestly again.
He has always been and continues to be a very clean person in himself and also in our home. He never hesitates to do his share of housecleaning and laundry etc. and is always very helpful around household chores.
He used to be more thoughtful and buy me small gifts or flowers occasionally but now he doesn’t often do that and if he does buy be a birthday gift it is usually something inappropriate, like a night shirt that would fit a 12 year old or some other similar thing. It seems he puts little thought into anything like that.
He used to be ambitious and work hard but now seems to have virtually no motivation and it has got us into a tight spot financially that causes me to worry. I hope he will regain his ambition.
He does show compassion to others and is generous to those less fortunate and doesn’t hesitate to lend a hand when he can.
He has never been a very romantic person so I don’t expect that to change. He has never in his life planned a date and doesn’t put any thought or planning into vacations etc. and I’m sure never will.
He has always had a problem being totally honest and I don’t know if that will change or not. He claims he has a desire to be honest from this time forward but I’m not convinced.
He has been self-centered forever and likes to be the centre of attention to the point of ignoring what others have to say. He says he is working on this but again, I don’t hold my breath.
His selfish nature has been one of his biggest obstacles and he is aware of it and says he wants to change that too. In my gut I find it hard to believe he will as I have often told him he is one of the most self-centered selfish men I have ever known. He agrees but has done little to change that.
He has always been very critical of my children and openly cruel to my daughter at times. She and I have learned to live with it and there will never be a bond between them so I don’t expect that to change.
I am attempting to stay cautiously optimistic in many areas and will try to do my best to encourage him to develop character traits that will make him happier and our marriage at the same time.

Hi Chickadee,

Your vision is not about making decisions about the outcome of your marriage... it’s about creating the roadmap for your life! So, taking the approach of “regardless of whether you stay married” is the correct approach. What you have written, is pretty good. Now it’s time to think in terms of the specific values these aspects of your vision will support, and/or conversely what values support these areas of your vision. i.e. What is the overarching value that will add meaning and purpose that is realized from taking Spanish classes and photography classes? What part of you are you nurturing in taking part in these kinds of activities? That will be one part of your vision, because when these specific classes are done, the vision of that part of you will remain, and so you will simply go on to find new activities to do to support that domain. Being a Grandma who is actively involved is a great “domain” of your vision. And all of those activities that you engage in with them are those that support that part of you. The same thing with taking care of you (or pleasing yourself as you put it) and being a strong and independent woman (these can be two separate domains of your vision, btw, b/c a strong woman and independent woman may have overlapping qualities, there are none the less distinct characteristics/behaviours of each as well. It is necessary to differentiate for such times when values may conflict such that you have to prioritize one aspect of yourself over another. Great work so far. I am sure there are other parts of Chickadee that will reveal themselves (so that you can add them to your vision) as you continue through this workshop.

Good work with lessons 3 and 4 as well.

To let you know, I merged your two separate threads. Remember, to add new lesson responses you want to choose the "post reply" button, instead of the "new topic" button (it creates a new thread). Instructions are found here, in the Welcome Center: http://recoverynation.com/partnersbb/vi ... 80&t=10760

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Lesson 5
A I have learned over the years a few effective ways to deal with stress and I use them all at different time.
I talk to God. Sometimes some of my best talks to God don’t happen beside my bed down on my knees, but I may be in my car driving, walking in the woods with my dog, sitting on the back deck....wherever. I find once I make a connection to God and place my worries on Him, my stress level lessens. I’d like to say this is always my first response but if I did I would be deluding myself...I’m human and quite often try to do it my way first!
I take long walks with my dog through the woods and sit on top of a hill with him in the sun and meditate. I find this very helpful to sort out my thoughts when I am really angry and to put things into perspective.
I do yoga daily and have found this to be a great stress reliever. I always feel much calmer after I finish. It also reminds me to breathe properly so I become more aware of the depth of my breath and breathe more deeply rather than short shallow breaths.
I journal in a safe place on my computer that is double passworded so I can freely write anything I choose in complete freedom knowing that no one else can ever see it. I can curse or scream my feelings and empty myself this way.
B I am a recovering alcoholic sober for 16 years but I still remember well the compulsion that drove me to drink. I had times when I needed a drink so bad but the liquor store wasn’t open yet that I would literally pace the floors, go back to bed and pull the covers over my head, shake etc. until it was time to go and buy my bottle. All the way to the store I would be shaky and filled with anxiety about going in and buying the bottle....again. I would be filled with fear that someone I knew would see me and I was a mess so my heart would pound, my palms would sweat and my body would be tense and shaky.
C If my partner couldn’t engage in his compulsive behaviour I believe he would just trade it for another such as watching more provocative movies instead of using the internet.
He might also become much more interested in younger women....much younger.

P.S. Thanks so much for your very helpful and insightful comments Mel :)

Lesson 6
When I think back over the 20 years that my husband and I have been together I see a pattern to his behaviour. It seems he has always had a need to be liked by the opposite sex to the point of being more than liked, but physically desired. I guess in retrospect it began before we got together. I was a married woman when we met although not happily married, and I made no secret of that. I was also a practicing alcoholic and very unhappy in my marriage and my life. I didn’t hide this fact. He immediately capitalized on this and we were soon engaged in a steamy affair...which led to me leaving my husband...I think it was inevitable anyway, but this certainly hastened the process.
We hadn’t been together long before I realized his need to be ‘liked’ by other women...even women he didn’t find attractive, it seemed he needed their attention as long as they were female. In a social setting he flirted outrageously with other women and if I objected he always convinced me it was him just being friendly. He had a way of always making me second guess myself.
Before we got married he contacted an ex live-in girl friend and spent an evening at her house just to see if he still had feelings for her and to this day I don’t know what happened there. He claims nothing. He and another female friend also arranged a clandestine meeting with her behind my back, and he lent her money and invited her to our home to visit not understanding why I was uncomfortable with this and becoming angry with me for not accepting this behaviour. He also invited an ex to our wedding, someone he had been intimate with and although I felt very uncomfortable with her being there he insisted. I did not have the courage to speak up and set boundaries.
Throughout his working career, since I have known him he has made inappropriate friendships in every work place and often brought women into our home with who he is interested in trying to convince me they are just co-workers. He has had what he calls ‘emotional affairs’ with them but claims he has never had sex with any of them...I tend to believe him on that... At one time he was embroiled in such an emotional affair and he got worried that it was going to get physical and told me about it as he and the girl had arranged a meeting while I was to be out of town. He claims it never happened and that friendship was over. It almost ruined our marriage and he swore he would never do that again and I believed him and we resumed a loving relationship after I had asked him to leave my bedroom for several months. Hot on the heels of this entanglement he once again got involved with another young girl from the same work place and brought her and her whole family into our home for a visit. I knew he was up to no good but he seems to have an insatiable need to be liked by younger women...much younger women...in some cases young enough to be his daughter. The friendship between this woman and him was not a healthy one and when I intercepted e-mails and spoke to him about the inappropriateness of his friendship he became defensive and wrote the girl an e-mail and told her his wife didn’t think it was appropriate and he didn’t want to communicate with her further to which she sent a scathing one back letting him know it was his idea in the first place.

Even after women have moved away or out of his life, he finds a need to return to them to have his own worth as a desirable man validated and even has tried to find old girlfriends on social networks...obsessively at times until I insisted he cancel his membership to such pages.
Some of this I believe may be his need for instant gratification. He wants instant adoration from these women without the work of developing a relationship with them, just wanting them to want him to fulfill his need to be wanted and loved, yet deep down I see him incapable of loving in a deep and meaningful way.
My husband I also believe in many areas of his life believes he is a failure. He has never been able to hold a job for any length of time and either quits for some perceived inability to cope or is fired and I do not always fully know why. He has tried to quit drinking and although he now has almost 9 months of sobriety he has relapsed a few times. I think he has an all or nothing perception that if he fails once he is a failure and his own self esteem is not very high. It seems to be a self fulfilling prophecy for him. He believes he can’t do something so he fails at it....He constantly seems to need reassurance and this ties in to his need to be liked.
I sometimes wonder if the fact that his wife left him for his brother has anything to do with the fact that he needs approval and acceptance from other women to prove to himself that he is a desirable man. I can only imagine what this did to his self worth as a man and a husband.

Exercise 7
1. Initially my communication with my husband likely was more harmful than good. I was so shocked at the discovery of his SA a month and a half ago I didn’t know how to react. Up until then I had no idea such a thing even existed and I know I did everything wrong. I wanted answers to everything...answers he couldn’t give me because he didn’t’ understand it himself and I see now all my yelling, ranting, questioning, blaming etc, did was to drive him further into his web of lies and fantasies. Once I cooled down and learned all I could about SA I was able to have more rational conversations with him and asked him to sit and communicate honestly with me when I felt calm and receptive to the ugly truths I didn’t want to hear.
2. In the beginning, being a ‘fixer’ and very much a ‘take control’ person I did try to manage his recovery. I found this site and e-mailed him a link and told him he needed to spend time reading, doing a lesson a day etc. I promised I would not snoop at his stuff and I also embarked on my own healing journey. I installed a blocker on the computer at his request and monitored his use.
I did break my promise and snooped at one of his lessons and quickly confessed...mostly because I learned new information there and I needed to know more details. I promised I would never snoop again and I won’t.
I helped him find a good counsellor who specializes in SA and he did make the initial phone call for an assessment.
3. I have tried to help him make better choices re his spare time by encouraging him and joining him to go for long walks with the dog and enjoy nature and all its beauty.
I have encouraged him ( with little success) to join me in my nightly yoga routine.
I have picked silly fun movies for us to watch together instead of his questionable choices and encouraged more wholesome tv shows.
I have tried to guide him in his food choices encouraging him to think about what he eats, reminding him that everything he puts into his mouth does have an effect on his brain.
B. Immediately upon learning about my husband’s SA, I searched for answers. I have read and read and have a fairly good understanding of the problem now but know I still have much to learn. I found Recovery Nation and started this recovery workshop. I also found a women’s Christian support group which has been a God-send for me and I post in it frequently and read all the posts daily. I have read books on the subject and continue to learn. I have begun yoga nightly and also spent more time in prayer and meditation and revamped my diet to include healthier choices for my body and mind.
C. Some change I need to make to increase chances for success are:
Stop trying to control his recovery...work on my own and leave his to him.
Avoid the temptation to try to measure how much effort he is putting into his recovery.
Learn to engage him in more positive and upbuilding conversations and not dwell on the problem so much.
Remind myself constantly that my husband is much more than a man with an addiction...he is the man I fell in love with and married.
Allow myself to express my emotions and not bottle them up inside and wait for them to explode.

Exercise 8
A. It has only been about a month and a half since discovery of my husband’s addiction and so far recovery efforts have been sporadic. Until that time I had never even heard of SA and knew nothing about it. I quickly learned all I could about it from the internet and finding a support group. I did the research and shared what I had learned with my husband who was in denial at the time I think about the nature of his problem. I sent him a link to Recovery Nation and for a couple of weeks, he spent a lot of time on it doing lessons and as has always been his pattern did it to excess those first days and then it burned out like it always does and now I doubt if he is spending any time on it. It has been my suggestion that he find a counsellor who specializes in SA but I did the foot work....he followed up with a phone call but has gone no further. At this point, I see him doing what he has always done, admitting there is a problem, throwing himself right into rectifying if for a few days and then dropping it as soon as the pressure is off. He tends to be an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person.
He claims he has a heart felt desire to change and restore our marriage and I do believe he means that but he lacks the motivation to take the action to do the work that needs to be done to accomplish this change. He has always had a serious problem with commitment and never sticks with things.
B. There are many aspects of my husband’s recovery that I have concerns about and wish were different.
I wish he would take responsibility for his own recovery and do the leg work himself, eg. finding a good SA counsellor, doing the lessons regularly, reading more about the problem etc. talking more openly to me about it.
I would like him to have more empathy and understanding for my feelings and not act like nothing is wrong and carry on life like there is not a problem in the world. He becomes very quiet when I try to talk about how I have been impacted and would just like to change the subject rather than discuss things. If I try to tell him how I am feeling, he just shuts down and won’t respond....just gives me a pathetic look like I’m supposed to feel sorry for saying things he doesn’t want to hear.
I would like him to develop a plan to manage his time regarding his recovery. I would like to see him dedicate say an hour each day to work on lessons, read etc. rather than his sporadic approach.

Technical Note: Chickadee, I found your missing post over in one of the "Recovery" forums where (because that section is used for people in active coaching) it won't have been read by anyone who'd be able to respond to it. I've merged your original post in here, and you'll find it at the top of this thread (due to date order). I'll check if there are any other orphans...

Kind Regards,
SysTech

Exercise Nine
A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?
I see little evidence that my husband is engaged in healthy recovery. We watched a dvd about intimacy anorexia and there were 3 daily exercises he is to do without exception and I am not allowed to remind him or initiate the exercises even though I do have to participate. He is hit and miss and usually does one of the 3 maybe 5 times a week and the other 2 once or twice a week at most. One of the activities is to pray out loud with me each morning and this one he does do the most, but not consistently.
B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?
As mentioned above, he puts little effort into his 3 daily exercises. He is seeing a counsellor who has suggested he gets an accountability partner...he has not. He suggested he joins a 12 step SA group. He has not. He suggested he reads some literature about SA daily which he does not do. I have caught him twice now scoping out younger women in our weekly AA group that we attend and last week when I was in another room, he got involved in quite a ‘friendly’ conversation with one of the young ladies and was giving her ‘that look’ that has become so familiar to me over the years where younger women have been an issue.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?
I have praised my husband for praying with me every time he initiates it and I tell him how much I enjoy starting our day with prayer. I have mentioned to him that he is not putting much effort into his other dailies and I confronted him with his involvement with the young woman in our group.
Regarding the dailies that he doesn’t do, he makes excuses for not doing them or blame me for not being in a good mood so it makes it difficult for him to approach me. Or he is busy doing other things and doesn’t think of it. As far as the other woman, he became very defensive and did some eye rolling but I told him flat out it was not appropriate and to end that friendship asap. Younger women have been an issue our whole married life and he knows how I feel about his liaisons with them...it is non negotiable.

Exercise 10
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.



B) I am getting some meaning and fulfillment from being more active with my grandchildren but not as much as I would like. My husband is their step grandpa as he is not the father of my son and has no real feelings or emotions regarding our grandchildren and I tend to not see them unless he comes with me.
I have not embarked on a further photography course and now see it as a value that may not have been as important as I thought when I wrote my visions but after re-evaluating, I have begun on a journey to embrace more fully my walk with God and it is very rewarding although I could spend more time on it.
I have made steps to become a more independent woman and develop more of my own interests and now do yoga every night. I do this for me alone and find it quite rewarding.
C) I will phone my son weekly or more often and see my grandchildren bi-weekly with or without my husband.
I will put aside a specific time each day to connect spiritually with God, read from His word and meditate on it.
I will continue to do my yoga and not miss nights due to my husband wanting me to watch something on tv with him.
D) I will call my son tomorrow and make arrangements to visit this week.
I will begin my day with prayer and meditation tomorrow morning and will not allow myself to rush through it due to other demands. I will allow a specific amount of time each day for this and will not be pulled away. I will ignore the phone, and my husband’s needs until I have had my time with God.
I will continue my yoga practice and beginning tonight will view it as something pleasant I do for me alone and will embrace it more fully...I will light a scented candle, put on some inspirational music while I do it and I will not rush through it.

Stage 2 Lesson2
A letter to my husband.
Dear Morley,
I want to tell you what your addiction has done to me.
We have been together for 22 years now, 20 of them as husband and wife. During those years I have never felt that I was the woman who made your life complete and I have never felt a sense of undying love from you. In many ways I feel I have been the wife who has all the unglamorous jobs in a marriage and who definitely has a purpose but I have never felt like your completion. It has never been like two souls joined by marriage the way it should be. I have known from the beginning, even before we got married that I was not enough for you and your hungry male ego. You planned secret meetings with ex-girlfriends before we were married and made lame excuses to me about what you were doing. I gave you ultimatums then and due to my own co-dependency issues never carried through with the consequences. I felt I needed you to make my life complete because I didn’t know how to stand on my own two feet being a hopeless alcoholic who had always had enabling and co-dependency issues.
Once we were married I realized that there would always be issues with other women. You found one in every work place and came home and even regaled me with stories about them. On more than one occasion you even found ways to invite them into our home. I always felt less than...threatened, insecure, not pretty enough, not young enough, not smart enough, never felt I dressed well enough, was never skinny enough, didn’t have big enough boobs, wasn’t as sexy as them, always felt socially awkward compared to them...I just never felt I could measure up to the other women who intrigued you....
I suspected you of being up to no good every time you went out without me...to Oshawa, to work, or even into town on business. If I left town to go away with my daughter, camping with a friend, visiting overnight with family or whenever I left you alone I felt you were always in one way or another defiling our marriage vows even if it was by viewing porn on the computer or tv and masturbating to it. You lied to me so many times over the years that I doubt if I will ever fully trust you and feel free to leave you on your own without you getting into trouble. I feel your thoughts are never pure and even to go to a restaurant with you for dinner is not a pleasant experience because you seem to constantly scope the room for desirable younger women and if we are unfortunate enough to have one for our server you flirt and pay them all the attention I wish you would pay to me. A day at the beach is a nightmare or anywhere else where women might be scantily clad...you can’t keep your eyes off them. I feel sick when you say things like you did on our holiday in Costa Rica when you discovered the volley ball net in the pool and said you couldn’t wait till later when all the young things came out to play and you could watch their boobs bounce around. You treat me with such indifference you would never guess I am your wife...you treat me more like a buddy.
When we do have sex I feel like you aren’t with me. You enter your own fantasy world and never treat me with love or tenderness. You never initiate any kind of romance during the day, just wait till bed time then fumble around with t he same exact foreplay that you do ever time we have sex....never anything different or imaginative. I sense an urgency in you to complete the act as quickly as possible or you may not climax...likely because of your own pre-occupation with masturbation, you have learned to complete the act very quickly. Your pre-occupation with pornography has made it almost impossible to view my own aging body with anything but disdain and even though I know I am in pretty good shape for a 62 year old woman I feel totally inadequate and old and ugly in front of you. I hate to be seen with my clothes off. Words of tenderness are not in your vocabulary and complements don’t exist in my world no matter the effort I put into keeping myself looking nice.
Your addiction has changed you.....You have become a self centred, cold, unemotional, controlling, demanding, thoughtless, uncaring man who is only ever concerned about getting all of his own needs met and has virtually no regard for me or my feelings, needs, or the pain you cause me. You always put yourself first...always have and likely always will.
Your preoccupation with other women, porn and masturbation have all but destroyed our marriage and now that the painful facts have been uncovered I feel more used and abandoned than I ever have in my entire life and am left wondering if I will ever feel like a whole woman again.

Letter to me from my husband (written by me)
Dear Sheila,
My heart breaks when I think of all the pain I have caused you over the years. I know that even as a young boy I had feelings of inadequacy and wanted so desperately to be liked, to be popular and always felt I fell short. I needed so much to be accepted and desired by the opposite sex that I went out of my way to impress them. I had an insatiable need to be popular with the girls.
I guess as time went on this became an ingrained pattern with me and I fuelled it with my ever increasing need and behaviour. It seemed I was not complete without a woman who wanted me and once I had one it never seemed to be enough. I had a need that just couldn’t be filled.
You have always been a good wife and it is not about you not being enough...it’s about a soul sickness in me. My pre-occupation led me to search out women on the computer and on film and my choices were just fuelling my needs until I was soon powerless to stop my increasing behaviours. Masturbation became my solace and I slowly became entrenched in a secret fantasy world that was all about me and my fantasies and not about “us” anymore.
I have always loved you but just have not been able to show you. My own perceptions of love became distorted as a young child and I have never had a healthy role model. I have made terrible choices and am left to live with the consequences. I see now that feeding behaviours such as I have leads to them becoming more than mere behaviours...they become addictions. I have finally recognized this and with a lot of effort and hard work on my part I plan on beating this addiction and restoring our marriage. You are beautiful, strong and intelligent woman and I do love and admire you even though I have a difficult time demonstrating that most of the time. Please believe me when I tell you that I do love you and am so very very sorry for the pain and heart ache I have caused over the years. I pray that things can be resolved and we can heal and carry on to live out our lives together happily until death......