Recovery Nation

Lesson One:

My husband and I have been together since I was 15, and he was 17 (1996). We were in a long distance relationship, which naturally had its ups and downs. In 1999, I learned that he'd had an affair the year previously which had ended on its own. They were also long distance and communicated in the same way we did, including cyber sex and phone sex. We were kids and never properly dealt with the affair.

In 1999, he moved in with me. I had some lasting trauma from the discovery of the affair (I remember lots of crying at night). I was very uneasy when he socialized with women. He didn't feel that was important and made and carried on friendships with at least two female co-workers. I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him not to do it (I had no clue about setting boundaries), and he felt like I was unreasonably jealous and carried on the friendships regardless of my discomfort.

We were married in 2003 and had our first child shortly after. Our second child was born in 2005. During this time, I knew he viewed porn and masturbated in private and while it made me vaguely uncomfortable, I chalked it up to my own self-esteem issues. I didn't actually think there was anything wrong with him viewing porn on occasion, as I did the same thing. I'm not sure if he was masturbating more than usual or compulsively. I do know that on days he stayed late at work, he would look at porn and masturbate in his office after everyone left, and that from time to time, he missed even the 'late' train home and would come home after the kids were in bed. As far as I know, this didn't happen more than once a week or so.

In May 2006, he had to take a business trip to Mexico. While there, he hired a prostitute for the first time. The only reasons he's been able to give me are “it was readily available” and “I was horny.” He says he was happy and wholly in love with me at the time.

Our third child was born in 2008. Around this time, my husband says he stopped loving me because I've always placed my needs higher than his, and this made him feel like I didn't care about or appreciate him – just used him for his paycheck and as a babysitter/housekeeper. When he told me this recently, I broke down sobbing because I recognized it as truth. Perhaps it's a partial truth, though; he never significantly objected to any of my plans or projects, never told me that his wants and needs were going unmet, never told me he was unhappy.

In January of 2009, he exchanged explicit pictures with several women online. He was part of a gaming community and I'd always been uncomfortable with that social group – they're very immature. He went on to meet up with one of those women (L) on and off through most of 2009, going to dinners and movies, telling me he was spending time with a male co-worker. At the end of 2009, he began talking more online with another of the women he'd exchanged explicit pictures with (N). They met in person in early 2010; the first other woman (L) and a man that (N) was cheating on her fiance with came along as well. They all got very drunk. While waiting for a cab, my husband cuddled with (L) and said he would have kissed her but he'd just thrown up. His relationship with (L) cooled at that point, as he transferred his interest to (N). He met up with (N) several times before finally hiring her as his assistant in May 2010. At that point, he began treating her to expensive lunches twice a week. They also went out several times in the evenings over the course of 2010 and 2011, sometimes with her fiance, sometimes with other people from the online gaming community where they met. He often drove her to and from work. He admits that he was attracted to her, fantasized about having sex with her, and often tried to get them into situations where 'something could happen'. However, nothing did happen.

During this time, his porn use increased. He also escalated to viewing live webcams (though not interacting with the girls in the webcams).

Perhaps due to frustration that he wasn't able to move his relationship with (N) to a physical affair, he began hiring prostitutes in January of 2011. He escalated quickly, eventually building up to having sex with hookers one or twice a week by May. He also engaged in other illegal behaviors to fund his prostitution habit. He spent at least $10,000, at a time when our house was in foreclosure and we were needing to save up for first, last, and security on a rental. He put us deeply in debt.

I found out on my birthday, in August, in 2011. When I confronted him, he admitted only to the prostitutes and the lunches with (N). The rest has come out through very painful trickle-truth over seven months (I just found out about the first prostitute and (L) a week ago).

He does seem remorseful, to a degree. He has been in IC since August and is pursuing testing for ADHD and Asperger's. He also started testing/treatment with a CSAT just this week. We have at least identified (if not addressed) some of his FOO issues: his father was a serial cheater, an alcoholic, and verbally abusive. His parents divorced when he was 5, and his mother became severely depressed and emotionally unavailable to him.

He says he has maintained NC since November (though he did snoop through (N)'s email once in February). We have a polygraph scheduled for March 17th to determine if he's still acting out.

I am coming out of a fog of self-centeredness. Through therapy, reading, and journaling, I am gaining awareness of myself, who I really am deep down, and I am accepting myself with love and honesty. I strive to be my most authentic self. I am also working to change those parts of myself which should be changed, those parts that hold me back from achieving my goals. I am coming to accept others for who they are: understanding what can and cannot change. I use my therapy sessions to learn to manage my expectations and responses to the 'difficult' people in my life. I strive to see people for who they are, rather than just as obstacles or resources in my life.

I am a good mother, but I've let that slip in the last seven months as I've been struggling to cope with the knowledge of my husband's infidelities. I am refocusing my attention on my children and on being the mother they deserve. I am caring for them and I have stopped putting my needs above theirs. I limit the time I spend on the computer during the day and make sure to spend quality time playing and having fun with my children. I am a calm source of support and comfort, rather than an irritable, distracted mess. I am their 'safe harbor.' I am doing my best to learn from the mistakes of my parents and my husband's parents. I search for resources to help me teach them emotional intelligence, self-esteem, coping and life management skills.

I find joy in my life. I spend time outdoors, because being outside in nature gives me a sense of peace that I can't find elsewhere. I make time to be silly and goofy, even if I'm alone. I spend time doing frivolous and fun things, whether it's reading chick lit, playing Wii, tickling my children, or whatever. I am continuing to pursue my creative outlets – scrapbooking, tie-dye, sewing, etc. I spend a small amount of time each week promoting my Etsy store – not because it will ever bring in a lot of cash, but because I find it enjoyable. I am focusing more on the present and not on the unknown future. I have also added 'mindfulness' books to my ever-growing reading list.

I respond to trying situations in my life with grace and courage. I do not let fear keep me from doing what I know is right. If discussions with my therapist and with my husband's CSAT lead me to the decision that it would be best to separate from my husband for the time being, I will hold my head up high and make the most of this situation. I will build a supportive, loving home for my children. I am decluttering and simplifying our possessions and home so that I can manage the household chores with less work and stress. I will create a warm, enjoyable space for us to live, no matter where we are. I am learning that I do not need a husband to have a rewarding, fulfilling life.

I balance my obligations to my family and to myself. I ensure that my children have ample attention from their mother, but I also make time for myself. I do not let myself get lost in the role of mother. I do not let my husband's issues unbalance my life.

I am learning discipline in the areas of finances and health. I follow a budget and do not overspend. I save a little money here and there, whenever I can. I eat healthfully and fit in exercise wherever I can. I take walks with the children and I do strength training at home. I make sure I address any health issues with my doctor.

I continue to attend our Unitarian Universalist church. I seek out volunteer opportunities that I can fit into my busy schedule. I teach my children that we have a responsibility to care for others and for our environment. I model these behaviors for them because actions speak louder than words.

I am working to create a stronger support system for myself. I am reconnecting with friends and making those relationships a higher priority in my life than they have been. I seek out opportunities to meet new people, including attending S-Anon meetings.

I am assessing the best way to give myself some financial independence. I am looking into my options for schooling, and trying to determine whether that is the best option or whether I should work a part-time night shift job.

Whether my husband and I stay together or not, I will learn how to communicate effectively with him. I am learning when to engage and when to step away. I am learning how to get my point across simply and effectively, without judgment or criticism. I will remember that his point of view may not be the same as mine, but he is still entitled to his thoughts and feelings. I will remember that his betrayal and my pain do not entitle me to always get my way.

Hi Raidra,

Welcome to RN. I have read your story and I am so sorry for all that brings you here. Although every one here on the Partner’s side has a different situation, we are all going through such similar turmoil, that we find we are not alone and that there are others who truly understand how we feel.

I am gaining awareness of myself, who I really am deep down, and I am accepting myself with love and honesty. I strive to be my most authentic self. I am also working to change those parts of myself which should be changed, those parts that hold me back from achieving my goals.

The lessons and exercises in the workshop will help you with this. They are designed to walk you through a process in which you will define your values and to establish boundaries and consequences that will help you protect them. As you complete each lesson, post them as a reply to this thread, so that all of your responses are in one place.

You have done a good job with your vision. I like the strength in these statements:



These types of statements are the foundation of a vision for a healthy life. As you continue through the exercises, it is often helpful to update and/or modify your vision. Some portions of your vision seem to be more of a reflection of your current turmoil, rather than where you want to be, such as: “irritable, distracted mess”. These feelings are important to journal, but eventually, you may want to revise your vision to keep you focused on where you are heading, not the obstacles that you are understandably facing.

You are off to a good start. This is a long and difficult journey, but you are not alone. With the information and support here, you will learn how to trust yourself regarding what decisions to make, and what timeline is best for you.

Minerva

Gut Feelings:

Around 2001, he became friends with two women at work. It made me uncomfortable, mainly because he had already cheated on me once (in 1997). He was dismissive of my concerns and made me feel like I was unreasonably jealous. As it turns out, he was hiding how much time he was spending with these women (not so much time that I'd consider it an affair, but he was still being deceptive).

Several times around 2001, he went out drinking and to parties with work people. I've never gotten confirmation that the stories he gave me were lies, but my gut still says that something else was going on. He was very inconsiderate, coming home drunk, way later than he told me he would, and several times I had to get out of bed and go pick him up.

In 2005, he started socializing with a group of people from an online gaming community that we both participated in. I saw how immature and immoral this group of people were, and expressed my discomfort. He minimized and made me feel like I was overreacting. He later found two EA APs from this group and exchanged sexually explicit pictures with many women in this group. He now admits that they're horrible people and that he's ashamed that he behaved like them. He's very impressionable and has stopped contact with these people.

Sometime between 2003-2007, he went on a business trip and was never reimbursed for his costs. He still claims that his employer just screwed up somehow, but I'm still suspicious. There was also an incident where we had to cancel a family vacation due to work issues – I still don't believe this story, either. And yet another incident – one Friday I came home from running errands and he was home. He told me his boss had been yelling at him, and he got angry and just left. He was worried all weekend that he'd get fired. On Monday, he said he was reprimanded for leaving the job, but his boss was also reprimanded for the yelling. I'm suspicious of this incident, but again, my husband's story hasn't changed (though he also hasn't asked for his employee records that would show the reprimand).

In early 2010, he told me he was going out drinking with some work friends. He got very drunk, missed his train home, had to take a cab, was vomiting all over the place, etc. My gut told me there was something else going on here, but he convinced me otherwise. He was actually with OW2 and OW3 and another guy, and he attempted to kiss OW2 at the end of the night.

On Valentine's Day, 2010, he ignored me in favor of socializing online with the gaming group. We got into a huge fight the next day, both of us saying how we felt unloved and not desired by the other. I never asked if there was something sexual going on that night.

In August 2010, he told me he wanted to go out to a birthday dinner (for his b-day) with some work friends. I don't remember why I kept pressing for more details, but he eventually admitted that he was actually planning on going out with some people from that online community. When I asked him why he would lie about that, he said, “Sometimes it's just easier to lie to you.” I had that horrible sinking sensation in my gut, but as our family was waiting on us for dinner, we dropped the conversation and I never brought it up again.

In March 2011, we went to Disney. It seemed like our checking account balance dropped way more than it should have based on what we spent. His explanation was, “You must have spent more than you think.” I didn't have access to our checking account at the time (partially because I was busy with four children and uninterested in managing the finances, but more significantly, because he had blocked my access from our home computer).

In July 2011, he went to work the evening before our anniversary to do some maintenance that couldn't be done with others there. He was unreachable by phone, email, or IM. His excuse was that he had left his phone in the car and hadn't thought to look at emails or IMs. He was actually with a prostitute.

In July/August 2011, I started pressing for him to fix whatever problem it was that was preventing me from accessing our finances on our home computer. I wasn't consciously suspicious, but I finally took the initiative and called Comcast (who was apparently scheduled to come out and fix the problem, except they kept 'not showing up'). There obviously was no problem with our internet, and I used my father's computer to access our bank statements and discover that my husband had been cheating on me.

Warning Signs:

Any time that a breakdown in technology coincides with him being unaccountable for his whereabouts or activities needs to be met with scrutiny, regardless of how much I want to take his word that it's a coincidence or whatever.

When he is out with friends, socializing, he must give proof of where he is and who he's with. It isn't sufficient to say, “I'm with a guy friend” - I need to speak to said guy friend, I need pictures, whatever. I won't allow my worry about him being made to feel awkward or uncomfortable stop me from asking for verification.

Further: his friends need to be my friends, too. If he talks about a friend, hangs out with a friend, but won't introduce me to that friend, then there's a problem.

Whenever he acts dismissive or minimizes, I need to listen to my gut. A sober, remorseful husband does not make his wife feel stupid for being suspicious. Again: make every attempt to verify as soon as possible. Do not accept excuses (I can't find his phone number, I'm anxious about asking HR for this, etc).

Unaccounted-for expenditures, 'missing money,' etc. is a big deal. Aside from his allowance, every penny should be accounted for.

A decrease in how much time he spends with me - more time on the computer, or distracted by other means.

His Values:

His love for his children. He enjoys spending time with them, he connects well with them, he's hands-on in caring for them.

His love for me, and his willingness to do everything I ask, his willingness to change himself so much.

His intelligence and curiosity.

His creativity in solving problems, finding resources, etc.

He is hard-working, a good provider for his family.

He is always willing to help out, whether it's something I need doing, or if my parents need help, etc.

His sense of humor – he makes us all laugh, and derives a sense of satisfaction from his comic ability.


His Obstacles:

His tendency to lie, even over little matters not related to his affairs.

His difficulty integrating work, home, and social life. His ability to compartmentalize.

His lack of knowledge in how to respond with empathy, to appropriately offer comfort.

His distractability, forgetfulness, and other ADHD symptoms.

His low sense of self-worth, which makes it hard for him to ask me to meet his needs.

My Stress Relief:

I have a few healthy methods of managing stress, and a few unhealthy ones.

My favorite method, though it isn't always feasible, is reading. It's so nice to be able to escape into a different world for a little, and often after reading for a period of time, I feel much better able to handle whatever issues are going on.

I also like taking the kids outside, to parks, playgrounds, beaches, whatever. Being outside is very calming for me, and taking the kids out to do something fun makes me feel like a good mother.

Socializing with friends is another good avenue of stress management for me. The best is when socializing is combined with taking the kids to a park – when we meet up with friends, the kids play, and us moms get to talk. But Mom's Night Out events are wonderful, as is just talking on the phone (sometimes venting, sometimes distracting myself) to a close friend.

My less than healthy (and irrational) way of coping with stress is eating. I've been trying to figure out specifically why I do this, since I tend to have control issues and being out of control with my eating just doesn't seem to fit with my personality. However, I think it may be something like, “Okay, I can't control the fact that my kids are having tantrum after tantrum, and I can't control what I'm 'supposed' to eat as dictated by society, so I'm going to do what I want to do, I'm going to exert control over my life and eat what I want to eat.”

I've also turned to having a beer now and then, but that's a relatively new behavior for me. The last month has been very tough for me, and occasionally during or after a difficult conversation or discovery I'll have a beer. Never more than one a day, but it's still a behavior I don't really like.

When do I use my irrational ways of coping to escape from stress? When things are going particularly badly with my husband – when I've discovered something new, when we've had a frustrating conversation, or when I just trigger badly. I don't always behave irrationally in that specific moment, but irrational behavior usually follows fairly soon after. And sometimes being at home with the kids.. if they're grouchier than usual, or if the baby's been up more than usual in the night, or if naptime goes astoundingly badly.. those will often lead me to snacking on unhealthy foods.

A specific incident:

Let's look at a frustrating day for me that would lead me to irrational behavior. Let's say in the morning, I had errands to run, but the kids were grouchy, rude, or otherwise just dilly-dallying. My frustration level increased as I struggled to get them out of the house. Let's say while we were in the store, the baby fussed and fussed, making the whole experience really unpleasant. My frustration level continued increasing the more he fussed, and I started consoling myself with the possibility of a treat later. As we passed the candy or ice cream isle, I grabbed a treat. Let's say the kids were really impatient for lunch, nagging me and being rude as I tried to get their meal together. And after lunch, the baby really resisted naptime. Through all of this my patience would have been rapidly dwindling in proportion with my frustration level increasing rapidly. As soon as the baby was asleep and the bigger kids were settled, I'd grab my treat and enjoy a few quiet minutes to myself. It's probably not the treat so much as the quiet time that helps me decompress, but the treat is an integral part of soothing myself. I feel like I deserve it after the rough day I've had, and while I feel guilty afterwards for eating unhealthily, my patience returns and I can face the afternoon with my more rational coping skills present.

If I had not had the treat but denied myself, I would have probably felt really resentful of 'society' for not letting me eat what I want to eat. If I hadn't gotten alone time either, I would have felt resentful of my children for not giving me a break. However, if I'd gotten a break but not a treat, I think my frustration level would have still continued to rise, ending with me losing my temper and yelling at the kids and generally having a miserable afternoon. If that had been combined with my husband working late or needing to go to a SLAA or Al-Anon meeting that evening (leaving me to do bedtime by myself), I'm sure I'd be in quite a state. That frustration and anxiety, needing some sense of relief, would leave me feeling very tense, with tightness in my chest, a headache, and a sense of real impatience and of things just being unbearable. I'm sure I'd end up yelling more, and probably even crying a bit.


His Coping Skills:

Without the addiction, I think my husband's coping skills would be similar in some ways to mine. I think he'd turn to food or alcohol. Or he'd zone out in front of the TV as a way to escape. On a weekend after a stressful week, maybe he'd want to sleep a lot, or maybe he'd want to go out and do some fun and exciting activity with the kids. He'd probably spend time goofing off on the computer, reading forums, chatting in IMs, or looking for things to make him laugh. These are all things he does already to cope with stress, but I guess they would escalate without the boost from the addiction.

Sexualized Behaviors:

On a very obvious level, my husband often gropes me in front of the children. It's not always inappropriate – I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with a casual butt grab as you walk by, but sometimes I have to tell him to stop when he goes too far.

We've gotten into discussions about people we find attractive. That 'random sexualization' of people that his CSAT mentioned.

He often jokes about sex, usually laughing when a phrase inadvertently sounds sexual, that sort of thing.

He's never had any male friends as an adult. His only friendships (in real life, not online) have been with women, and he's always concealed at least aspects of his relationships with these women. He says he doesn't relate well to men.

I'm not sure if this is a function of his addiction, or a function of our society. A lot of the TV shows and movies he watches have a lot of nudity and/or sex (not porn, but shows like Spartacus, Californication, Archer, bad horror movies, etc). I don't know if he likes them specifically for the nudity/sex or if that's a coincidence.

I know that with the online-gaming community he was involved in, everything was about sex. The joking, innuendo, etc was all very sexual. Very unnecessarily sexual.


Areas of the Sexualized Mind:

He shows traits from all four areas described in Lesson Six. The sexualized mind – physical contact usually turns sexual, humor, movies, TV, songs, 'having a dirty mind' – sex is everywhere. Objectification: he once compared buying sex from a hooker to ordering pizza. She provided a service that he wanted, no big deal. He also objectified me – I was someone to care for his children, keep the house, occasionally have sex with.. but he didn't really care about me as a person. Immediate Gratification: this is an obvious one, isn't it? He's very impulsive and into immediate gratification in other areas of his life, as well – spending, eating, etc. All-or-Nothing: Actually, I don't know that I see too much of him in the description here. I see myself, definitely, but I'm not sure how much he actually uses 'all or nothing' thinking. If he does, he doesn't verbalize it to me.

My Role in His Recovery:

Communication:

We are at times able to communicate effectively. We have plenty of conversations where he shares things that he's been thinking about, or shares what's gone on in his therapy sessions or Al-Anon/SLAA meetings. A lot of the time, I'm able to remain calm, empathize, and provide support. Occasionally my perspective as an outsider to his FOO helps give him some insight. I know I should refrain from psychoanalyzing him or leading him, and just listen, but I know at times he appreciates hearing my opinion.

Other times, our communication is just a mess. If I'm too upset, I have a difficult time not lashing out at him. I know I've said some mean things to him, which I regret. His communication issues stem from what we think are ADHD issues – blurts things out without thinking (often in an insensitive manner), has trouble remembering prior conversations, etc. He also gets passive aggressive and nit-picky from time to time (to be fair, I sometimes engage in the nit-picking, too).

I've definitely been in a phase where I've placed a lot of focus on his behavior (past, present, future). It's really been destructive, and I'm struggling to get out of that pattern. I'm trying to limit myself to 45 minutes during the day when I'm by myself, and a short conversation with him at night. But it's difficult to just stop thinking about his behavior. I've also voiced a lot of accusations – of past behavior that I have proof of (which he always admits to and apologizes for), but also things that I don't have proof of and he won't admit to or can't prove his side. Again, I'm trying to let go of this habit. My IC has said—and I agree—that I have enough information about who he is and what was going on in my life, that I don't need to keep reinjuring myself, hearing about more details, trickled out over time.

The past few days, though, I feel like we're on the upswing on the roller coaster. I've apologized for the mean things I've said, and I've been trying really hard to make sure he knows how much I appreciate what he's doing to change, his hard work in other areas of his life, and all the good things I love about him.

It's still difficult accepting that he can't be my support right now, that he can't meet my needs. I don't have many people I can really be myself around—it's just him. Sure, I can share what's going on in my life with a few friends, but I can't cry on their shoulders, I can't ask them to hold me, and they can't provide the reassurance I really need, either.


Managing Recovery:

Prior to pursuing the sex addiction diagnosis, I did manage his therapy a bit. I pushed him to make appointments, tell me what he was working on in therapy, read books, get tested for ADHD/Aspergers/etc. Since his first appointment with his CSAT, though (which again, I asked him to do), I've been consciously stepping back. I do ask when his appointments are, but that's more for logistic reasons. I don't push him to make new ones. The same for meetings – I haven't told him to attend certain ones, a certain number, anything. I didn't even ask him to share. I'm quite proud of him on that front.. he found the Al-Anon and SLAA meetings all on his own, without my asking. He also shares consistently, despite having a lot of social anxiety. When he tells me what he's doing, or what he's planning on doing, I show support by telling him that it seems like he's on the right track, and that I'm proud of him for following through, but I don't push him to do anything or share anything.

I do wonder where to draw the line, though. He's always been fairly scatter-brained, and so I've often had to remind him to make appointments for physicals, etc. I know I engage in a lot of care-taking behaviors with him, but to me, it's always felt like a way of showing love for him, versus managing his life. Like if he has a headache, should I not offer to get him some Excedrin when I get up to go into the kitchen? I can tell a few of my behaviors are definitely managing (like reminding him to call his mother), and those I am cutting out. But the other things that seem more like caring.. do I have to drop those things, too?


Pursuit of Health:

I'm probably failing in this aspect. We both have poor eating and exercise habits that we're trying to change. I have been supportive of his stopping drinking (not that he ever drank a lot, maybe 2-3 beers a week, tops). We've been trying, though. Getting outside and being active is easy for us.. eating healthfully, not so much.


Resources for My Healing:

Honestly, I feel the focus is really on my husband right now. We've gone from always doing bedtime with our four kids together to him attending meetings three times a week, and me being on my own with the kids for those times. He's also working on a extra project at work right now (verified) which, though it will be ending in the next two or three weeks, has taken up a lot of his time, burdening me with more of the house/childcare duties than usual. I'm not sure how to make my healing an equal priority. I have been trying to find a S-Anon meeting around here, but haven't gotten a call back from the organization about when/where the meeting is. I do go to IC somewhat regularly and have a babysitter watch the kids. To be honest, I'm not really sure what resources I really need to heal.


Changes for Success:

The biggest thing that jumped out of me while reading this lesson is changing my focus from negative/accusatory behavior to supportive behavior. So long as he continues attending IC and meetings, and sharing his experiences, insights, and efforts with me, I will put extra effort into being his cheerleader. I will strive to separate him from his addiction, to make sure he knows that while I reject his addiction, I value him as a person. I know he isn't his addiction. Again, this effort on my part is contingent on his continued progress, but it's definitely something I can do to help increase the likelihood of successfully rebuilding our relationship.

Objective Signs of a Healthy/Unhealthy Recovery

He exhibits the following signs from the following categories.

Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Mild/Moderate Relapse:

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
Partners tend to experience these individuals as exhausting. The relationships themselves tend to be selfish, focusing on the 'addict,' more so than the partnership.
They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, anger—they are all tightly related to 'recovery' and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.

Those Who Will Make the Transition to a Healthy Lifestyle

Early Recovery:
Extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and suicide.
They tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life.
Their partners tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, 'lost souls.'

Actual Recovery:
They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life they can be proud of.
They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with.
They perceive 'powerlessness' as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not 'defective' but 'deficient.'
They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life.


Unhealthy Signs: What Do They Mean for Him?

He exhibits some unhealthy signs, but I think (hope) that this is more due to the fact that he's very new to recovery. While we've been dealing with the fallout of the affairs since last August, it was only three weeks ago that he started pursing SA recovery: seeing a CSAT and attending SLAA meetings. I think he's still learning what he needs to do to change, how to grow and learn. In addition, he's also working 15-20 extra hours a week (evenings and weekends at home, accountable and transparent), which severely limits the time he can spend on developing new skills. This project will be ending soon and he'll have more time to focus on concrete actions and skills for his recovery.

Three Issues Relating to His Recovery:

I wish he would share more with me. He tells me all about his meetings and his therapy appointments, but it's usually on a more surface level (I said this, he said that, we did this) versus what he felt. I'm not sure if he's actually capable of sharing on the level that I want, though. That is to say, I think he may need to work more on his FOO issues and gaining some emotional intelligence. I also feel like he shares the positives about his recovery, but not the negatives (things he struggles with). That makes me very nervous.

I wish he had more time to focus on skill-building. Like I said above, this should change soon, with the ending of his project. I worry, though, that this project is just an excuse and once it ends, he'll find another excuse. He's a great procrastinator.

I wish my healing got as much focus and attention as his recovery. I know that in some ways, my healing is contingent upon his recovery, but it's very exhausting to focus so much on 'the addiction.'

Signs of a Healthy Recovery:

He definitely seems to recognize that he lacks fundamental skills and coping mechanisms, including some basic things like emotional intelligence and empathy. He's exploring in which areas his immaturity lies and how that has contributed to his addiction and other areas of his life that aren't as 'developed' as he'd like. Going to Al-Anon meetings has really helped him gain some insight here, I think.

Vulnerability and transparency are things that I can see evolving just over the last few weeks, so I'm interested to see where he takes this. He's telling me more about his childhood issues, and has also mentioned a struggle specifically related to the addiction (social anxiety and fear making him reluctant to go to SLAA and Al-Anon meetings, though he has consistently sucked it up and gone anyway). He does tend to talk only about the positive and not the negative, but I'm seeing this start to change. I'm still not sure how he's doing as far as honesty in relation to his past acting out. We've agreed that until he feels that he's able to come clean all at once, he should not keep reinjuring me through trickle-truth. I do want the truth about his past behaviors, but hearing it piecemeal has really prevented me from healing. While I know this is a good choice for right now, it's very difficult for me to accept that he doesn't have to be (can't be) fully forthcoming right at this moment.

He's also being more proactive than he usually is. He's a true procrastinator and has been for as long as I've known him, but he's been initiating more things that I would have ever expected at this point. He's been making phone calls to check on insurance issues, making appointments, finding books he should be reading, looking for support groups, etc, etc. All without me pushing or asking him to. There is room for improvement, but I think that once he gets his ADHD diagnosis (we're 99% sure he has it, and we're struggling to get our insurance to cover the testing), he'll do even better on this front.

As far as I know, he hasn't had any major, overt relapses. He did tell me that when he stopped viewing porn and masturbating, that he noticed himself engaging in random sexualization of people he sees, and that he's been trying to distract himself whenever he notices he's doing it. I feel that it's a good sign that he noticed it and is trying to distract himself, and also that he told me about it.

Signs of an Unhealthy Recovery:

Generalized change is lacking right now, but I think that's more due to the fact that he's still new to recovery and is incredibly busy with work right now. He does tell me about how he knows that he'll be able to take the skills he's learning and apply them to other areas of his life besides just recovery, so I think that it will be there in time.

Communicating My Observations:

We just talked about this yesterday. I told him how proud I am of him for doing well in the areas that he's doing well, and when I mentioned the few areas I'm dissatisfied with, I made sure he knew that I understood that there are some temporary issues (work) that are keeping him from having as much energy for learning new life skills as we'd like. I mentioned the honesty thing, but neither of us had anything helpful to say about that. I don't know when he will be able to be truthful, honest, and forthcoming with me, and he doesn't seem to know, either. He denies that he's holding anything back, but I can't believe that. He's accepted what I told him, and expressed a feeling of concern that I'm disappointed in his progress. I told him that it's not so much that I'm disappointed with his progress, as just disappointed that this is what our life is.

Three Values I Need to Stabilize My Life:

Self-Knowledge
Mothering
Joy


Actual Meaning/Fulfillment vs. Potential:

I'm just scratching the surface on my quest for self-knowledge. It's not for a lack of trying, just that I'm still starting out in this process. It's empowering to find reasons for my behaviors and feelings, to connect issues to larger themes in my life, to understand myself. I feel like this is the right path for solving many problems in my life, from my weight issues to my relationship with my mother, and many things in between. I can see how as I make progress, I will find more peace with who I am, with who others are, and I will be able to make the changes in my life that I want to make.

My role as a mother is very fulfilling to me. I love being able to tend to their needs (physical, emotional, mental, etc) and the love they give me in return is so wonderful. However, I struggle with impatience and anger sometimes, and I also feel ill-equipped to teach them some crucial life lessons. As I see how my parents have affected me and how my husband's parents have affected him, it scares me to think of failing my children in the same way. I know we are all bound to mess up as parents, but I know I can learn and hone my skills as a parent to do the best job that I can. As rewarding as my role as a mother is now, I feel like by consciously improving my skills, and also focusing less on my pain right now and more on them, I will find more fulfillment and self-esteem by being the best mother I can be.

Sometimes my life is joyful, but more often it is not. It's such a relief to take time to do something that I find joy in, whether it's something creative or just playing Wii with the kids for a few minutes. It improves my mood for the whole day, and I need to make a conscious effort to find more joy in my life. I've had a lot of thoughts of revenge on the other women in my husband's life, and I'm coming more and more to realize that the best revenge I could really get is to live a wonderful, joyful, fulfilling life. To put them out of my thoughts, to know that their time with him was fleeting and is now over, and that they hold no more importance in my life. I will be happy in spite of my husband's issues.


Plans for Maximizing Potential:

Control has been a big issue in my life, and something that I'm just beginning to explore with my therapist. We have discussed issues in my past that lead me to seek control, and we have discussed a plan for learning to let go of that need for control. When I feel the need to exert control, when things are feeling chaotic, I am going to work on not relying on my crutches (overeating, searching for details of the infidelities/SA, nagging my husband to do more, etc). I'm going to try to let myself feel what I'm feeling, to notice what's triggered these feelings, and to realize that it is not as overwhelming as I anticipate it will be.

I will continue reading through my CBT book and will make more of an effort to fill out CBT forms.

I will start a weight loss support group through my therapist's office that focuses on behavioral therapy, starting April 14th.

I will focus less on learning about my husband's issues and how to deal with them, and focus more on learning who I am, why I am the way that I am, and how I can be a better person. I will follow my therapists lead, but will also incorporate Recovery Nation exercises and other books I find helpful.

I will spend more time actively engaging with my children. When I'm involved in something personal and they need my attention, I will strive to go with the flow and not become irritated at being interrupted—more importantly, I will try to limit these personal activities to when I am least likely to be interrupted (naptime or after the children are in bed).

I will continue reading books on how to teach the skills I feel my children need. I'm currently reading Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child and will continue to implement the techniques I learn.

I will strengthen our support group of homeschooling families so my children have a variety of social opportunities and I have the camaraderie and support of other mothers.

I will find time to do something for myself every day. I will balance creative outlets (which require a lot of energy and focus) with easier pursuits like reading or playing a video game.

I will make the most of opportunities to be outside, which are becoming more frequent as the weather improves. I will work in my garden to create a beautiful, calm place for me to relax while the children play.

I will limit my obsessing, dwelling, and otherwise focusing on my husband's issues, so I can make room for joy in my life.


Immediate Steps to Strengthen Values:

I will notice instances of feeling out of control, note the crutch I want to use in the moment, and strive to avoid using that crutch. I will feel the feelings as they move through me and try to find other healthier ways of dealing with my feelings.

I will read more of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

I will play one-on-one with each of my children.

I will watch a favorite TV show during naptime.

I will spend time outside this afternoon, and maybe work in the garden tomorrow morning.

I really struggled with this lesson. For one - I've already journaled a lot of my anger. I've also expressed it to my husband many, many times. The past two weeks have been fairly pleasant, I haven't felt a lot of anger. So I haven't wanted to trigger it by writing an angry letter. My anger scares me - it's so crazy, so overwhelming, and I never know how long it will last. Will getting angry lead into a month-long 'down' on the roller coaster, or will it pass in an hour? So I put it off.

In addition, I really didn't see the point of the second letter, either. I've gotten so many apologies, reassurances, statements of empathy.. and it's all been meaningless. He's said everything I would ever want to hear - except it hasn't been backed up by real action, real progress.

But in the spirit of having faith that these exercises will be helpful even if I don't see how right away, I finally did them.

------------

Husband -

The last eight months of my life have been a living hell, thanks to you. You have completely disrupted my life. Not a single part of my life has gone unaffected by your behavior. The trauma has been so extensive that I can't even remember what my life was like before D-Day. I wonder, “What did I think about all day, when I wasn't spending all my time thinking about how you cheated on me?” And that's the thing.. I don't ever get a break from this pain. Ever. It's always on my mind, no matter what I'm doing. I'm always remembering what you did to me, envisioning you having sex with other women, wondering what else you did that I don't know about, speculating about whether you'll complete your recovery and stay faithful to me. I think about whether I should leave or not. I think about things I did right after D-Day, and wish I'd been smarter then. I think about all the things I did over the last few years, and how stupid I was to buy all the bullshit you were feeding me. Even when I'm asleep, I don't get a break. I dream about your affair partners taunting me, torturing me. I dream about you acting out. I dream horrible things.. then I wake up, relieved that it was just a dream.. and remember that I'm still living a hellish nightmare.

I've never felt such intense pain in my entire life. It's truly overwhelming and not something I could ever put into words. When I think about you cheating on me throughout our whole marriage.. I'm filled with such a range of emotions.. from rage to shame to guilt to disgust. I feel violent, out of control. Most of the time I would love to beat you senseless. You'd probably be surprised to know that even while we're having a decent time together, that urge is still there. I often think that it would have been so much better if you'd just died. I've spent a lot of time thinking about that.. when would have been the best time? If you'd died before ever cheating on me (physically, because I know you cheated emotionally before we even lived together), then we wouldn't have our two youngest children. So then I'd have to settle for you dying soon after our youngest was born – you would have still cheated on me, but I'd have our four amazing children, and I'd be able to go through life without knowing how you'd betrayed me. I feel sick and disturbed for thinking it through so thoroughly, but that's what you've done to me.

I often wonder if you're happier with this new me. Personally, I hate who you've turned me into. But you seem to favor batshit crazy, unstable women. Maybe you like the new me. Maybe you like how dependent I am, you like having me at your mercy. Maybe my unpredictability, my mood swings, my outbursts gratify you in some way. I hate it. I hate being out of control. I hate not knowing when a mood will end, if it ever will. I hate not being able to cope with other, minor issues because I'm so overwhelmed with all of this shit. I hate being cynical. I hate not knowing whether I really love you.

I'm really struggling with the sex addiction component of this mess. It's annoying that as you start to feel better, start to feel like you're finally making progress, feeling like you're on the right track – I suffer more than ever. I have to accept that your behavior isn't entirely in your control. I can't just demand that you tell me the truth – you're not capable. I can't expect you to be supportive and understanding – you can't. I can't even expect you to be faithful – you can't. It feels like such a cop out, and sometimes I wonder if I'm the biggest idiot in the world for buying this bullshit. Is this just another excuse?

I know part of the S-Anon thing will be to examine all my resentments. I have to laugh at that.. how can I possibly examine all of them? I resent almost everything about my life right now. I resent every single effect of your behavior. Even the ones that I know are probably good – like my learning more about myself, stuff like that – I still resent it. I was happy before. You've stolen all that from me.

And for no good reason, really. So you were stressed at work. Big fucking deal. I worked so hard to give you a wonderful life. I've created a warm, caring home. I've given you amazing children – not just any children, but truly wonderful kids. They're thoughtful, kind, bright, loving, and well-behaved. You think it's bad having four kids? Be grateful that your kids are so fantastic. And how the hell is that an excuse for you to cheat anyway? You get to leave for 10-12 hours a day. I'm the one caring for them 24/7. But that's besides the point, anyway. My point is – you had a truly blessed, golden life. We live in a large, comfortable house. We have a great back yard. We live in a safe, pleasant neighborhood, within an easy walk of the train for you to commute. Fantastic kids, as I said. A dog and cat that adore you. Family friends who think (thought!) you're great. And you had a wife. Not the prettiest, not remotely the skinniest.. but you had a wife who was smart, funny, and willing to do ANYTHING for you. But poor, poor you.. you had it so rough that you had to spend tens of thousands of dollars on hookers. You had to find other, batshit crazy whores to go to dinners, movies, and parties with. Poor baby.. you really deserved it, huh?

Give me a break.

How can I believe anything? Not just how can I believe what you tell me.. but how can I believe anything about my life? Is any of this real? What I wouldn't give to wake up from this nightmare.


-------------------


Dear Raidra,

I've wanted to apologize to you properly, but I've struggled with how to do that. I know I've made promises to you that I haven't kept, given you empty reassurances, made excuses for my behaviors.. all while still covering up and protecting my addiction. I've said so much to you – and none of it has meant much of anything, because it hasn't been backed up by true change.

That's over now.

When you're ready, I will tell you everything about my addiction, along with any other things I've kept from you. I am no longer that person who hurt you so badly. I reject the addiction. It is no longer a part of me, no longer something I need to shield and keep safe. I know that by making you aware of it fully, I give you power and bring you fully into my life. That's what I want. I want you by my side, an equal partner in my life.

But beyond that – I'm done with empty words. Words can't apologize. Words can't make it up to you. Only actions can. And I am devoting my entire being to doing the hard work it takes to change and become healthy. I know only that has meaning to you (and truly, only that has meaning for me as well). I know that my actions over the coming months will prove my sincerity, and I look forward to you realizing that and gaining faith in my recovery. I appreciate your patience with me as I change, and I appreciate your willingness to listen when I share with you, and also your guidance and input when you feel like giving it.

Thank you for sticking by me, despite the tremendous pain I've caused you.

Love,
Your Husband

Right now, I think I'm slowly moving from the disorientation stage into the awareness stage. Some of my 'traumatic responses' are fading – though I realize that might just be temporary.

I'm still stuck in a lot of the internal expressions of traumatic response. Feeling helpless and trapped, self-blame, self-loathing, and self-criticizing thought patterns are pretty frequent. While I can logically realize I am not to blame, I still feel that way a lot. Those feelings center around my obesity.

Thankfully, a lot of the external expressions I engaged in are fading with a conscious effort on my part.

Other general responses to the trauma that I experience are obsessive ruminating on his sexual (mis)behavior, paranoia, depression, nightmares, exhaustion, sexual apathy/disgust (this is a new one, I had experienced a higher sex drive than usual for 6 months after D-Day). I feel like I'm easily distracted sometimes and more forgetful than usual. I've withdrawn socially from a lot of my friends and feel really disconnected with my social group. Increased use of alcohol and overeating comes and goes (right now I'm in a binging stage, which I think is due to a CBT weight loss group I'm starting this Saturday). My mood swings wildly from rage to total apathy to everything in between.

That sounds like a lot of traumatic responses, but I do feel like it's been fading overall. In reading the summary of the awareness stage, I recognize that I'm actively using the books I read to change behaviors and thoughts (versus just reading and not implementing strategies, as I was before). I also find that most of our conversations related to the sex addiction focus more on gaining awareness into his FOO issues, rather than interrogating him.

I know there are more, but these are the consequences that I've been thinking aout most over the last couple of days.

1 As time goes on, I am less and less sure of my love for him.
1 I ride a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from violent rage to incapacitating depression to total apathy.
1 I doubt everything about myself: my attractiveness, my intelligence, my sanity, my intuition.
1 I doubt everything about him: what's a lie, and what's real?
2 I feel like I've been continually assaulted (emotionally) over the last eight months.. and that I continue to be assaulted daily.
2 Most of my memories of the past 15 years are tainted.
2 I have very little energy.
3 I have frequent nightmares.
3 We have somewhere between $10k-$20k less than we should.
3 I feel disconnected from my entire life.
4 I obsess over the other women.
4 I hate attractive women – particularly younger women.
4 I've withdrawn from my friends and rarely feel like socializing.
4 I have very little faith in humanity. Everywhere I look, I see men being sex-crazed assholes, women being whores with no morals.
5 I will not go to certain places he went to with the other women. In general, all of Boston is off limits.
5 For a while, I resented my children for taking time away from 'us'. This was before I realized he was an addict and it wasn't my/their fault.
6 I'm much more sensitive to lying or hurtful behavior in my children.
6 I have had more difficulty than usual sticking to a diet (after the initial weight loss).
7 I developed stomach ulcers twice.
7 There are certain TV shows and movies that I refuse to watch. Books I refuse to read.
10 I lost 20 pounds immediately after finding out about the affairs.

Over the next month (and in general), I will not spend any time managing my husband's recovery. However, it's inevitable that I will spend time thinking about where he is in the process, whether he's establishing a good quality sobriety or 'white knuckling'. I intend to keep the time spent assessing his recovery in balance and not focus unduly on it. My role in his recovery is that of a witness, and sometimes a sounding board. I don't ask or prod him for details, I let him bring things to me so he can learn to share and establish intimacy with me. I'm supportive and act as his cheerleader when he behaves positively. I validate his thoughts, feelings, and experiences in relation to his childhood and what he's currently going through.

I do not spend any time investigating his activities. He has agreed to do a polygraph every six months (the next one will be in September), so I will remind myself that it's best for my sanity and for my children that I not expend any effort 'babysitting' him. If he acts out, it will be revealed in the polygraph.

Honesty is a major problem at the moment. Logically, I know that he's unable to be fully honest and forthcoming – for now. I can't make him do that, so I guess I'm willing to let him continue damaging that value. I don't know what else to do, really. It's very difficult living with a sense of constant assault – which is how it feels, knowing that he's unable to fully reject his addiction, shine a light on it, and be totally open about what he's going through.

I am prepared to tolerate some dishonesty, in that I realize he is unable to be truly forthcoming with me at this point. Direct lies are 'acceptable' only so long as he corrects his mistake quickly and appropriately. Any sexual acting out (with another person) is intolerable and will end the relationship. Contact with any of his affair partners, initiated by him, is intolerable and will end the relationship. A lesser slip like viewing porn or masturbating is tolerable, provided he discloses the slip and makes an effort to assess why it occurred and what he needs to do to prevent further slips.

I've fairly consistently shared positive observations, and they come across as genuine (according to my husband). He has trouble accepting validation, however, so I intend to be very conscious about noticing and complimenting positive actions and behaviors. For negative actions and behaviors, or continuing deficiencies, I plan to point them out in a calm, non-judgmental way. So far, when issues like this have arisen, I've said things like, “I'd like you to notice that you're currently doing X. I know you've got a lot on your plate, and if you need to focus on other areas of your recovery right now, that's fine. I just want to make sure you have an accurate picture of where you are.”

I don't consciously motivate my husband through threats or rewards. However, I do think natural consequences come into play. I communicate my needs and give him the opportunity to meet those needs however he can. If he is successful, I feel more positively towards him and he benefits from that. If he falls short, I feel more discouraged, disappointed, and unhappy—which affects him, as well. We're currently in the process of trying to change how I communicate my needs and how he offers to meet them, on the advice of my individual therapist. I'm working to adjust my expectations and be open to accepting what he can offer (as opposed to thinking, “If he can't emote and empathize, then I'm just not going to accept anything from him, and not even bother bringing my issues to him, to avoid the pain of disappointment.”)

To me, it feels very much as if we are two individuals versus a team. I have a lot of difficulty in viewing us as a team, as partners, until he can be truly forthcoming about his experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I just don't know how to work as a team if I don't have the same information he does. To be clear, I'm not talking about full disclosure of his addiction in relation to this question, I'm referring to full disclosure of his current experiences. I don't know what changes I should make to regain a sense of teamwork. It doesn't feel fair to constantly have to adjust my values to where he is, in order to get what I want. Then it's not really getting what I want.

One of our major obstacles is finding time to be together. With four young children, and four SLAA/Al-Anon/S-Anon meetings a week, opportunities for 'dates' are few and far between. I'd like to make a plan to ensure we are actively spending time together while still providing our children with family bedtimes when possible – scheduling some nights for serious talks, some for pursuing our own interests, and others for doing enjoyable activities together.

Honestly, I don't have a plan. With the lack of total honesty from my husband, I feel like my values are constantly assaulted or neglected. I can't really do anything about that, I guess, so I just try to find balance with my individual healing work, joyful activities, and personal growth.

The signs of sincerity and stability that I will look for are: continued attendance of meetings and individual therapy; consistently taking his medications; working on the SLAA steps and the Carnes workbook; continued improvement in sharing and establishing intimacy; efforts to learn 'emotional intelligence'.

The signs of imbalance or insincerity that I will look for are: pronounced 'down' moods; unscheduled, unaccountable blocks of time; imbalanced focus on one subject; withdrawing emotionally.