Recovery Nation

Lesson 12

I certainly still minimize my behavior. I was "just" into pornography, not "real" affairs. Of course my wife considers that I had about 8,000 affairs with women on video, all of whom I preferred over her.

I also tend to believe that the damage from my behavior is impossible to overcome in my marriage. The consequences of my "past" behavior are still surfacing in my marriage and seem insurmountable in healing with my wife.

I attempt to convince my wife of my sincerity through words, text messages, cards, gifts, while still failing at accepting her feelings and acting with compassion.

I think I may confuse recovery with general mental health issues. I am taking mediacation for depression, and my wife keeps suggesting other disorders, e.g., ADHD, narcisistic personality disorder, love avoidance personality, etc. In my frustration with making changes in my "normal" response patterns, I keep checking into all of these possible clues to getting "fixed."

My acting out at this point is primarily a matter of emotional reactivity to my wife's trauma more than any explicit sexual behavior, but I do experience extreme emotions at the effect of my wife's behavior. She is frequently retraumatized by reminders of my addictive acting out, and I find it very difficult to accept her recriminations and anger, though I do better at responding to her hurt.

I just lost a long posting.... Any way to recover it?

Lesson 13: Healthy Recovery Patterns

I. I really see myself as at the Middle Recovery stage under healthy recovery patterns. Definitely many of the Early Recovery stage characteristics reflect my experience, but I'm more identified now with the Middle Recovery characteristics.

Early on I was extremely depressed, unsure about whether I could/would recover, not so much from the sexual acting out, but from the ingrained personality traits I had developed to justify my behavior and establish some vaneer of acceptable "goodness" about who I was. I was often suicidal and desperate. Although I didn't expose myself to triggering situations for sexual acting out, I certainly did expose myself to emotionally challenging situations with a belief that I should have been able to "rise above" the intense venom, accusations and demands my wife was hurling at me. I should have maintained some firm boundaries and taken "time outs" when I felt overwhelmed. Instead I tried to accept the onslaught, but often got activated myself into deep, sometimes catatonic misery, or worse, rage. I'm better able to realize I have limits to what I can handle, and ask for space when I feel overwhelmed. My wife sure saw me as pathetic and needy in a way she wouldn't cater to.

Now, I'm very clear about the ways I built up the "image" of myself, illusions that I thought looked good - and I fooled just about everyone, even myself. Now I want to live authentically, in the present, honest about my feelings and true to my values; that's more important than "doing penance" for my prior immoral behavior. I'll just stay stuck in the iterative rounds of shame if I am attached to my past. Sometimes I don't even care if I ever understand what caused my addictive behavior, I just want to live differently - now. As I look at the changes I want to realize in myself, I'm not as concerned about avoiding my dysfunctional behavior as I am about implementing new bahaviors that address directly what's up for me in the present. Although I embrace the SAA 12 step program, I do not want to stay attached to self description as a sex addict. It's factually correct, but I most love the exposure to men who have developed a healthy recovery attitude towards acceptance with gratitude of God's will. The serenity prayer and 3rd step prayer are wonderful tools to stay present.

It's interesting that my wife a month or so ago used the exact expression that she was "cautiously optimistic."

The values that were associated with my addictive thinking were that I needed to "buy" acceptance, approval and love, that I was essentially unworthy and needed to manipulate people to get them to like me. MORE TOMORROW....

II. Looking back at my prioritized values, I would further revise them now to be more in line with my current experience in healthy recovery. Particularly, I would prioritize being aware of my feelings and expressing them honestly. Just today I bacame aware of a knot in my gut, and realized I was not expressing some anger I feel towards my wife's recent behavior. So I shouted and ranted in my car by myself to discharge that energy, then let myself sink into the pain and sadness underneath it. I came home and cried out my sorrow. I've been expressing my feelings to my wife over emails, since she's gone for two months working in Germany, and she's acted out over there, I believe as a result of the stress she's been under dealing with the trauma I've activated in her by my disclosure. I'm afraid of losing her, but I'm resolved to feel my pain and own my responsibility for bringing her to the state she's in, regardless of her need to own her behavior. So I yelled, then cried.

That's a good seque to the value of being persent for others and their emotional experience. Especially for my wife, I see her struggling with her feelings of acting against her values. I need to let her have space to sort that out for herself, without judgement that she should "be responsible" or "own her actions" or "deal with the consequences of her behavior." I hope she will, but that's for her in her own time. For me, I want to support her, be sure she knows I love her, and be honest with my own feelings and reactions, without blaming her for my feelings. It ain't easy. But it's a high value for me.

I have embraced prayer, and my practices have been more consistent than any other time in my life. I do a prayer each morning, though I haven't been getting up early enough to include the purification breaths. I do seek refuge in the Serenity and 3rh Step Prayers frequently throughout the day as I perceive myself becoming reactive. So, my recovery is consonant with these values at least.

I'm not sure what to say about my unhealthy recovery patterns. I know I do middle circle activity more regularly than is healthy, especially drinking. I have a couple of drinks most every night, while my goal has been to drink only a couple of nights a week. I still have a tendency to think "I need a break" which I know to be an addictive excuse for not staying present. TV is a big lure for me that takes me away from more supportive activities.

Lesson 14:

Daily Monitoring:

1. Did I take responsibility for my feelings today instead of blaming my wife of someone else for “causing” me to get angry, sad, frustrated, etc?

2. Was I pulled toward some form of acting out to cover up my feelings? When did I become aware of the pull and how did I deal with it?

3. Did I ask my wife how her day went and how she’s feeling?

4. Did I seek to avoid acknowledging my wife’s feelings? Did I just want her to “get over it?” Did I shrink from being present for her?

5. Did I try to “do for her” instead of “be with her?”

6. Did I go unconscious because I felt I “needed a break” or “deserved it” instead of doing something nurturing for myself?

I've revised my Daily Monitoring Plan as follows:

Daily Monitoring:

1. Did I take responsibility for my feelings today instead of blaming my wife or someone else for “causing” me to get angry, sad, frustrated, etc?
2. Did I maintain my practices, morning and night? Morning and Bedtime prayers, wazifa practice before bed, purification breaths and serenity & 3rd step prayers as needed during any duress through the day.
3. Did I care for myself physically by abstaining from fast food and by exercising? At the least, each day I need to stretch and do 5 minutes of Pilates floor work. Fast food no more than twice in a week.
4. Was I pulled toward some form of acting out to cover up my feelings? When did I become aware of the pull and how did I deal with it?
5. Did I ask my wife how her day went and how she’s feeling?
6. Did I seek to avoid acknowledging my wife’s feelings? Did I just want her to “get over it?” Did I judge her for her reactivity or her feelings? Did I shrink from being present for her?
7. Did I try to “do for her” instead of “be with her?”
8. Did I go unconscious because I felt I “needed a break” or “deserved it” instead of doing something nurturing for myself?

Lesson 15: Over the course of doing the Recovery Nation Workshop, I've been most impressed by the concept of living in congruence with my values. That's something I feel I've been able to incorporate into my awareness. It's a great measure for whether I want to engage in a particular behavior or not, and it also helps me to understand and empathize with my wife's behavior and her reactions to mine. She recently engaged in an experience that I knew was contrary to her values, and it really helped me to have empathy for her, despite the fact that what she did was very painful for me. Thanks you for this great approach to recovery.

Lesson 16: I suppose my sexually addictive traits have played some sort of positive role in my life. At a minimum, my sexual pull to women has led me to develop an engaging personality and sense of humor. I am able to make social connection pretty easily with people now, whereas it was very difficult for me as a child. My acting out recently with pornography in my marriage has helped me to be less reactive to my wife's traumatized histrionics - I'm not demeaning her but talking about intense emotional swings that have plagued our relationship always. By relieving that stress through the escapism of porn and masturbation I was better able to feel less at the effect of her mood swings. Of course, keeping that all secret undermined our emotional relationship and has sabotaged her trust, but short term, it worked in an odd way.

Lesson 17: My primary compulsive behavior has been masturbating to pornography. I frequently used alcohol and marijuana to increase the sensory stimulation and lower the dampening effects of my internal disapproval of what I was doing. Danger came to play a role, as I jerked off at more and more risky times, right before my wife was to come home, as the behavior became increasingly compulsive. I particularly like the sounds of a woman during sex, and the visual stimulation of seeing breasts in motion, and best of all the noises accompanying female orgasm. Even better, some times women have uncontrolable twitches or other movements, like eyes getting wide or closing, while in orgasm. I always wanted to reach ejaculation myself, and would feel good about myself if I was able to come a second time in a session, though that would usually take hours. My wife has pointed out that there was an element of power control in acting out but keeping it secret from her, and I can now see that I did derive a sense of empowerment, though she is talking about the secrecy being a controlling factor over her in our relationship. I'm still trying to understand that part of it.

Lesson 18: My addictive sexual ritual always involved masturbation to pornography. At first, I got into it because I resented my wife's close friendship with a woman friend; they became very enmeshed and were very physically close to one another, including sleeping together often, though I don't believe they had a lesbian relatioinship. Since my wife had been fairly unavailable to me for years because of a chronic illness, I felt deserted and thrown over for her friend. So, when they were in bed together in the other bedroom, I started masturbating in our bedroom. I kept the sound very low, but I could barely hear it if I strained. I always had to have the VCR set up to switch to a TV show quickly if I heard her coming. It was a dangerous game, but it gave me a sense of independence and power: "I'll show her!" When she would be gone over night, I would have the sound louder and masturbate in the living room or to the internet on the computer. I would always have a tissue ready for when I ejaculated, and I wouldn't pull my cock out until I was read to come. Over time, I spent longer and longer watching and masturbating, waiting to come until I found just the right video with the right woman coming in the right way, always looking for a video of someone "natural" and "really" into it, making noises of enjoyment and then rapture as she came. I tried to come simultaneously with her.

I percieve suspense, for sure, in the risk of discovery, or maybe that's danger. Habituation evident in the increasing length of my sessions. Sensory engagement was really important to me; I wanted to hear the woman moan, squeal, shout, and the cadence approaching orgasm was great for me. I would sometimes stimulate my nipples, too, another sensory factor. I fantasized that the women in the videos were "real" because I sought out "amateurs" and "couples" and "MILFS." I would get especially excited if I found someone who looked like my wife, who is a gorgeous woman, so I suppose that's an element of the past I brought in. I was appalled sometimes at how long I had spent in these masturbation sessions. I think I derived a sense of power that I felt lacking in my relationship with my wife. Finally, the ultimate accomplishment was coming along with the woman, and well before my wife got home. As my habit accelerated, and my wife was not gone as often having cooled her relationship with her friend, I had sessions at riskier times, right before I knew she'd come home; I'd have to be careful about being able to switch to something inoccuous, listen for her car, not get caught with my prick out, etc., so the danger factor was greater and my sense of accomplishment greater as well.

I feel very sad writing this lesson and recalling the excitement I felt, while letting my marriage partner stagnate. God, I hope I haven't lost her....

Lesson 21:

A. When I entered my current relationship, I had the goal of being sexually faithful to her. My first marriage failed because of my affairs, and I was determined not to make that hurtful mistake again. I substituted a new behavior that I defined as not being unfaithful: sex by pornography. Of course, it was every bit as hurtful to my current wife, perhaps even more so, because she feels like I had virtual sex with thousands of women in an impersonal, completely objectifying way. I had not really dealt with the underlying motivation for my addictive behavior, which is to cover over my feelings rather than risk representing my wants and needs to my wife. What I've learned from the addiction model is that my core beliefs of unworthyness destroy my ability to be truly present in relationship. I'm always trying to "win" love and to hide my real self, which I'm convinced is defective and unloveable. I inevitably feel resentment towards my partner for my own perceived inadequacies that I blame on her for any sign of criticism, and then I act out to reinforce some artificial sense of "independence" - "I don't need her, in fact I don't have needs." So I believe I failed because I did not establish a foundation of self respect and self acceptance, remaining completely reliant on my wife's moment to monent opinion of me for whether I felt good or bad about myself.

B. I was able to accomplish a career change that fulfilled a major goal in my life. I had been a chef, but knew that wasn't my calling. I went back to graduate school, and eventually decided upon becoming a developer in order to create new forms of community through physical design. I was able to find work ultimately in the world of non-profit, affordable housing development, which has been my career for nearly 25 years now. During this transition, I experienced the divorce from my first wife after her discovery of my last affair, a meaningless encounter that had the profound consequence of separating our our young family. Despite the upheaval in my life, I was able to pursue this professional transition. I think it was because I was focused on achieving some personal success in the face of the enormous failure I had experienced with my wife. I devoted myself to personal change, particularly looking at establishing boundaries in relationship, and I pursued personal goals in a way I had always previously abandoned. My history was rife with incompletions, but I persisted in this professional development, primarily for my own satisfaction, but also, I suspect, to "show" my wife what she was missing, what I could be.

C. I want to complete the Recovery Workshop by May 18th. I'll need to go through one lesson per day, with a two lessons on each weekend day. Every evening after work, I'll need to spend time on a lesson, then dedicate more time on the weekends. If I miss a day, I should schedule make up time the next weekend, in order to not deplete myself for the work week.

Lesson 21:

A. When I entered my current relationship, I had the goal of being sexually faithful to her. My first marriage failed because of my affairs, and I was determined not to make that hurtful mistake again. I substituted a new behavior that I defined as not being unfaithful: sex by pornography. Of course, it was every bit as hurtful to my current wife, perhaps even more so, because she feels like I had virtual sex with thousands of women in an impersonal, completely objectifying way. I had not really dealt with the underlying motivation for my addictive behavior, which is to cover over my feelings rather than risk representing my wants and needs to my wife. What I've learned from the addiction model is that my core beliefs of unworthyness destroy my ability to be truly present in relationship. I'm always trying to "win" love and to hide my real self, which I'm convinced is defective and unloveable. I inevitably feel resentment towards my partner for my own perceived inadequacies that I blame on her for any sign of criticism, and then I act out to reinforce some artificial sense of "independence" - "I don't need her, in fact I don't have needs." So I believe I failed because I did not establish a foundation of self respect and self acceptance, remaining completely reliant on my wife's moment to monent opinion of me for whether I felt good or bad about myself.

B. I was able to accomplish a career change that fulfilled a major goal in my life. I had been a chef, but knew that wasn't my calling. I went back to graduate school, and eventually decided upon becoming a developer in order to create new forms of community through physical design. I was able to find work ultimately in the world of non-profit, affordable housing development, which has been my career for nearly 25 years now. During this transition, I experienced the divorce from my first wife after her discovery of my last affair, a meaningless encounter that had the profound consequence of separating our our young family. Despite the upheaval in my life, I was able to pursue this professional transition. I think it was because I was focused on achieving some personal success in the face of the enormous failure I had experienced with my wife. I devoted myself to personal change, particularly looking at establishing boundaries in relationship, and I pursued personal goals in a way I had always previously abandoned. My history was rife with incompletions, but I persisted in this professional development, primarily for my own satisfaction, but also, I suspect, to "show" my wife what she was missing, what I could be.

C. I want to complete the Recovery Workshop by May 18th. I'll need to go through one lesson per day, with a two lessons on each weekend day. Every evening after work, I'll need to spend time on a lesson, then dedicate more time on the weekends. If I miss a day, I should schedule make up time the next weekend, in order to not deplete myself for the work week.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.



Hi Ulunick. Just looking at your recovery goal, I might suggest that instead of listing lessons to be done on a certain schedule that you review your values and vision and find where you are still deficient in meeting them, and list those and how you will work to achieve them. In fact, simply completing a lesson by a certain date may not even help your recovery as some of them take more time then others. Some you might even want to go back to and redo as you learn more through the later lessons.

Great work and give your self a little more time. Drive is good but be gentle to yourself as a gentle father is to his child. The goal is not to complete but the journey itself.

Lesson 21: C. Second Try - Thanks for the feedback. Here's something that's absolutely topical and urgent: My goal is to develop a response strategy to when my wife gets triggered about my addictive behavior, so she feels heard, respected and cared for. At its core, this issue is about learning to value myself and maintaining self respect rather than defining my worth and validity in reaction to her emotional state. I can pursue this goal in therapy, as well as through my 4th step work in SAA. One step is to recognize when she's triggered more quickly. Next, I want to monitor my initial reactions, slow down, and reconsider my emotional state before engaging with her. In therapy I can practice acknowledging her anger and disapproval without withdrawing or counter-attacking. I want to have a strategy in place with identified tools by the date she returns from her business trip on May 18th.

Lesson 22: Ritual Measured: Viewing Internet Pornography

Primary Elements: Fantasy, Sensory (visual), Sensory (audible), Physical Stimulation, Danger, Orgasm, and Accomplishment

Values Assigned:
Fantasy - 3
Sensory (visual) - 2
Sensory (audible) - 3
Physical Stimulation - 2
Danger - 1
Orgasm - 1
Accomplishment - 1

Filters Applied:
Fantasy - Time/3 The time element was just how long it took to fine the "right" video
- Intensity/4 I wasn't that into making the video women real for me
- Habituation/2 I got jaded with exposure, taking longer to get off

Sensory (visual) - Time/6 I would go back and spend more time with a "good" one
- Intensity/8 Looks mattered a lot to me to get excited, especially tits
- Habituation/6 Finding someone orgasming visually was exciting

Sensory (audible) - Time/7 With someone coming loudly, I'd want it to last
- Intensity/10 Load coming was the most exciting to me
- Habituation/8 I could go back to a good comer again and again

Physical Stimulation - Time/8 I liked to extend the time masturbating
- Intensity/2 It was mostly just feeling engorged, not on edge of coming
- Habituation/3 It got humdrum waiting to find a "good" one

Danger - Time/8 If my wife might come home, the time element became hightened
- Intensity/4 I didn't feel hightened intensity, just get it done
- Habituation/6 Introducing danger brought in excitement again

Orgasm - Time/2 Only if I tried for a second orgasm was time really a factor
- Intensity/2 The orgasm itself was kind of a disappointment and ended the session
- Habituation/2 Orgasm became the goal, but wasn't exciting in itself

Accomplishment - Time/1 It took longer and longer to find "good" videos, boring
- Intensity/1 I took less and less satisfaction, it became almost a chore
- Habituation/1 I started feeling like I was just wasting time

Lesson 23: Measuring Compulsive Rituals

Beyond the sexual acting out for me, the deeper and more destructive behaviors in my relationships have been my impetus to withdraw from or to attempt to control my partner, to become defensive when confronted with her feelings, and ultimately to become enraged. I could see enormous value in becoming aware of the behavioral steps that I take along this path of dysfunctional interactions with my wife particularly, though I do pieces of it in other relationships. I think I start with a feeling of fear or anxiety that I'll be disapproved of by the other person, though sometimes it might be my own self-criticism. I convince myself that they ONLY think badly of me, even though I might rationally know that they love me and think well of me most of the time. Then I either hide (withdraw) or defend myself (deny their reality or their feelings). When my tactics don't stop the criticism or they even escallate, I get angry at my inability to control the situation. I end up feeling horrible about myself, that all that's true about me is the negative image coming from the criticism. This cycle usually ends with me collapsed inward in shame, almost catatonic. I would LOVE to change this pattern of responding to criticism or disapproval.