Recovery Nation

As I sit here looking at this screen trying to decide what to write and what to hold back, I come to the conclusion to hold n othing back. I have been married for 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Most of our life together has been great. But 8 years ago I discovered on our computer lots of porn sites visited. When confronted with this he tried to blame our 13 year old son. I found that to be utterly disgusting. But i stayed because I loved him and didn't know any better. Then 3 years later I caught him in the bathroom early in the morning, of course he denied it. So I cheecked the history on the internet when he left and was completely shocked when I seen just how much he was going on the porn sites and at this point our sex life was not very good. We rarely had sex, maybe once or twice a month. He begged me to stay, said he would do anything to make it right between us. We tried marriage counseling. We tried it for about 6 months. There was really no lasting changes made in our lives. But I continued to stay never really understanding exactly why. I know that I was financially dependant on him and I thought I was doing the right thing for my two kids. I guess that if you bury your head in the sand far enough you can pretend anything. For 2 years I didn't think about so I convinced myself that it wasn't happening anymore. All the while our sex life was continuing to get worse. At times when we would try to have sex he wasn't able to get or maintain an erection, which was blamed on some medication he was taking. I was really dumb or desperate enough to buy into that, he gave me an excuse as to why he wasn't interested in me. I am sure that on some lev el in my head and in my heart I knew that it was still happening, but if I ignored it then it wasn't there. Then on May 20, 2009 my world came crashing down on me. I got a phone call that my parents had been in a severe car accident. I got up to the hospital to be told that my Dad had been killed instantly and that my Mom had suffered among other things severe head trauma and they weren't sure if she make it or not. Two days into this trauma, as if it wasn't enough, I catch my husband in the bathroom once again. I can't even describe how I felt. I was in shock and so hurt that at a time like this in my life he could choose to do this. I was devastated. But I had other things that required my attention, so it was never discussed again. A week after the accident, my Mom was released from the hospital. We decided to bring her to my home to recover because I had the extra room and the time to take care of her. So for the next 6 months or so I became very busy with taking care of my Mom. As I think back now, I realize that when this all happened I shut myself down little by little, focusing all of my attention on taking care of my Mom, rather than trying to deal with my husbands sexual addiction. At this point I still had never heard the term "sexual addiction or compulsive behavior" I just knew that it wasn't normal or fair to me. But I just couldn't deal with it. So like I said I began to slowly shut down emotionally. Over the next 2 1/2 years I got to a point that I barely didn't anything but function on the smallest of levels. I became depressed, withdrawn, angry, lonely, isolated from everyone in my life, sad, hopeless, and many other feelings that I couldn't put names to. I caught him many times over this period in lour lives. About 1 1/2 years ago he started to become angry, hurtful, stayed away from home as much as he could, when he was home he would drink, go up to bed by 8:30 p.m. and just avoid his family. Then in November of 2011 I discovered him once again in the bathroom, same routine, denial, look up history, still try to deny it, finally admitting, etc. At this point I had had enough. I didn't like the person that his disease had made me become. Over the next 3 weeks or so, I did ALOT of searching on his computer, but in the last two years he had become very good at erasing all traces of his activity. But as I began to dig deeper, because this time I wasn't giving up and I wasn't going to believe his lies anymore, I kept digging. Found a little bit of disgusting information, enough for me to realize that his addiction had somehow progressed over the last 2 years to the point that he was going on daily, not just in the mornings like I originally thought, but at other times during the day when I was at home and times when my kids were at home. We have been in couples counseling and I have been in individual counseling for about 2 months now. But I am finding out that my emotions and feelings are all over the place. Obe minute I'm fine the next I'm enraged, not angry but enraged to the point that I am now having anxiety and panic attacks. He realizes that what he did was disrespectful to me, but my problem is that he doesn't like the label addict. He cannot admit that he is a sex addict and he has a drinking problem. He cannot see how much his addiction has affected not just me but our whole family. I am trying to take it day by day. I asked him the other day if I was really any different now than I had always been. trying to get from him why I and our marriage was now so important to him. He told me that no I wasn't any different now than I had always been, that it wasn't about me it was about him never giving me the chance to be sexual with him. That was so profound to me and the greatest gift hes ever given me, it let me forgive myself for his addiction that wasn't my fault but I had blamed myself for for years. I realized that I never had control over him, it wasn't because of me it was because of him and the choices he chose. It allowed me to stop wondering what was wrong with me, what i could have done differently, because I realized that no matter what I did, how I dressed, how I looked, how sexual I was or how I loved, it wouldn't have made a difference in his choices.

It seems so hard to try and put into words exactly how you want your life to change and be different. You know that you want things to be better but for me I have spent so many years accepting bad behavior and the crossing of my moral boundaries, that it is difficult to remember what a healthy person feels or looks like.

I see myself becoming a person who loves herself and therefore being able to love others in a healthy way. I see myself finding the ability to show and feel compassion and empathy again. I see myself feeling safe and secure once again, either with mu husband or without him. I was a strong independent woman onnce and I see myself finding that strength once again. I see me finding and setting my emotional and sexual boundaries and not allowing anyone to cross them without consequences. I see myself feeling good about life and enjoying life again. I see myself being able to make me a priority and allowing me to take care of me first.

I want to see my husband entering into a recovery program and succeeding at it. Accepting that he is an addict and recovering from it. Becoming the healthy loving man I know that hes capable of being. I have alot faith in him.

I want to find new things that can help me balance my life out more.

Lesson # 3

List all the big times that I didn't listen to my gut or instinct? Theres not that much tiome in a day. The list would be too long because I continually ignored "my gut or my intuition" constantly for at least 8 years.

Times when he was working late and I would try to call him and he wouldn't answer--only to come home and say he must not have heard his phone when I called-- but he managed to hear his phone every other time, HMMMM

Times when I would call him while he was working, hear loud noises such as music in the background, to be told that he was still at work, and would come home smelling of beer, HMM

Times I would walk in the bathroom and "catch him looking at porn" only to be told that I was crazy and paranoid. I guess that I just didn't want to accept the truth. Because I would believe whatever lie he came up with, most times hed erase the history so I had no proof--hmmm

All the nights in the last 2 years when he would go to bed at 8 pm saying that he was tired and that 6 am came really early. How naive was I? He was tired because he was getting up at 4 or 5 am to look at porn and masterbate before work. And I beloieve that he was just exhausted from working so hard..

There was a point in the last year or so that he started taking his computer into the bathroom with him constantly no matter when, I thought he was just on craigslist or ebay, but really??/

The nights that I would come to bed and try to get sexual with him and he wouldn't be able to get or maintain an erection --

It is very difficult to regain something back that you're not even sure of when or how you lost it??

Dear tln,

Welcome to RN. You have found a safe and loving place to heal and learn about who you are. I am sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are here.



Your vision is your road-map for your life. It becomes more powerful when it is written in the "now"; for instance "I am a woman who loves herself. I am a woman who loves others for who they are. I engage in only healthy relationships. Healthy relationships to me mean ...." Include everything you see in your future; physical, spiritual, work/career, family, social relationships, financial security, mental improvement and attention, fun, etc. The more detailed you are, the more sure of where you're going.

To keep all of your posts together, hit the "reply" button at the bottom of your first post and then all your writings will stay together in one thread. Coaches and mentors will check in from time to time, but ultimately your healing journey is your own.

You are off to a great start! Again, welcome and remember to take care of you first.

Hugs -
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Hi ITFM,

Its so refreshing to have found this web site. It helps knowing that I am not alone and that there are unforunately so many more out there than I would have thought possible. This has been a very emotional journey for me so far and its nice to know that there are people who can understand this. I feel so lost at times. Not really knowing if what I am feeling is "normal" or if I am just plain crazy. LOL I am finally at the point where I am trying to let go of all the anger, hurt, and just plain old rage. Sometimes I feel like I am suceeding and then some type of small thing will trigger all those feelings right back up to the surface and I am lost to them once again. Its funny the things our mind will hide from us just to "protect" ourselves. I really appreciate hearing from you!! Thank you

Exercise Four

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.
Spouses positive values/qualities:

I have been working on this a long time, I thought it only fair to wait until I was in a positive place in my head before attempting this list.

Honesty, Integrity, dignity, trustworthiness, being a good person, and strong belief system, - these were the values that made him who he was, these are the very values or morals that we taught our children
Hardworking-always a good provider to our family
Very intelligent, very successful
Ambitious, had drive, focused and motivated to always do better or something more
Good sense of humor, always wanting to make people laugh, a certain wittiness about him that he loved to share and people were drawn to, very social
Family man- family was at one time the most important thing to him, he would do anything to spend quality time with us
Loyal - very loyal to a fault, marriage was a priority and fidelity was a must for us
Stablitily - I always felt safe, secure and stable with him
Marriage - he was dependable, respectful, likable, passionate at times, intimate, our friendship was important to him, very committed, and faithful.
Self respect, self esteem, self control, truthfulness, unbelievable willpower - he used to feel all these values about himself

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

For example: "He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body and I don't expect this to change. The way he acts when he is around his friends. His laziness around the house." There is no reason to share these with your partner. They are only your best guess, as it is impossible to directly identify just how significant a transformation some people experience.


Will avoid conflict at any cost - even saying and promising whatever it is that you need to hear right then to make the conflict stop
Inability to follow through with commitments and/or promises
Has become so used to our lives being built on lies and deceit - may be hard for him to stop lying and deceiving
Doesn't really like to do anything that requires alot of time, reading, writing, or expressing his emotions
He procastinates about anything that he doesn't neccessarily want or like to do,
so I am afraid he will just go through the motions and not really do the work which will be pointless
Doesn't like to admit failure or short comings
Has become so used to being selfish and self centered it may be hard for him to put anything else first or above that
Doesn't really understand the impact on our whole family that his SA has caused.
Lacks emotional maturity

Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.
A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I guess that depends on a few factors such as understanding the stress for what it is and where it came from. I can normally handle day to day stress very well. I use many things to help relieve the stress such as reading, listening to music, removing myself from the situation and just sitting back and thinking and reflecting on what caused the stress and coming up with a solution. This may seem strange to some, but I used to do ironing to relieve simple stresses. LOL
But there are times when the stress in my life has been so overwhelming that I just couldn't cope and I would use rage and anger to try to escape from it. The times when my H would seem to be minimizing what he had done, I would completely lose it becoming so enraged that I was trying to intentionally hurt myself. Thinking that that pain had to be so much easier than the pain I was experiencing.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.


This is difficult for me becaus I am trying to come up with a clear example but really can't. I know what it is like to feel helpless when there are things that are beyond your control. I know what it feels like to have an anxiety/panic attack over something as simple as being in a loud or crowded place.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?


I am not really sure what this question is asking me, but I will try to answer it the best way that I can. With the skills he has in place right now probably not very well or effectively. I am not sure if I can try to guess what the future may hold for him, but I would hope that he can learn new and healthier ways to regulate his stress and emotions.

Lesson 6



B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.
C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
Constant sexual jokes and innuedos. Constant talking about different things looked at between him and male co-workers. The crude comments, like "Lets get her and take her home with us tonight".




I can look back and see "The Sexualized Mind" behavior, I see "The Objectified Mind" behavior, and I can also see "The Need For Immediate Gratification" behavior.

Relapse" phase. He can do anything that he sets his mind to, but he has to want to. He has to be willing to put the hard work in himself, I cannot do it for him. I tend to find myself wanting to push him to do more on his own with his recovery because I really believe that he wants to change, but I don't think hes has no insight as how to do it. I think at times he feels overwhelmed, especially as my moods change so frequently. I believe he doesn 't understand the difference between "abstaining" and recovery.

B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

I think that my biggest issue with his recovery at this point is his lack of motivation to take charge of his own recovery process. He lacks the motivation to make this a priority. I would like to see more action on his part rather than just hearing the words. He's always been really good at making promises or saying just the right thing to make things better. I hope that he can come to understand that controlling his urges is not recovering.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
1) Effective communication-I am consciously trying to communicate in a non-confrontational way. It doesn't always go as planned, but I continue to try. I need to continue getting better at communicating in a healthy way. I am trying to be more understanding and knowledgeable about what he is feeling as he tries to battle his S/A. I am realizing how important communication in a healthy way is and how very little of it we actually had for most of our marriage.
2) Managing your partner’s recovery? In the beginning right after discovery, I found a therapist for myself, and refused to call and make the appointment for him. He did that himself. I found the RN website, told him about it, but he chose to go on and try it. He still has not posted a thread yet. I have a very difficult time not managing his recovery because I am so used to doing everything for him. But since joining the RN website, I am realizing that I cannot do it for him, because the more I am responsible the less he becomes responsible. Hard to achieve but trying to achieve. Learning to put my health and well-being before his. He has been very supportive of me getting whatever help that I need to feel better and at times just taking it when I have an “anger episode” saying some not so nice things at times. We were both very youn g when we got married, 20 years old, and I think as the years went by and we started a family I just took on the role as the mature responsible adult. He never had to be because I was. I now realize that I was actually enableing him to be immature, I don't like that word, but it's accurate. I am seeing alot of things now and trying to help H in his recovery, but it has only been 5 months since discovery, the first 2 or 3 months of which I was in shock and disbelief. I am put into a situation that was not my chosing or doing, and I am put on a medication the help with my depression, then put on one to help me sleep, put on one to help with my anxiety and panic attacks, which are becoming more frequent, and now being told that I should think about getting a prescription to help me stay focused because my head is just has got too much going on inside that I am inable to basically function. And what of my H??
But I am starting to understand that I have to direct my focus and energy on regaining my sense of self, my sense of some balance in my life (it has been on this roller coaster for over 8 years), some sense of real normalacy, some feeling of having my values back and creating boundaries to protect me, and being able to love myself again. Not an easy road, but a neccessary one.

Exercise Nine
A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

This is hard because I am not sure that I really trust my judgement yet. But I do see trying to make some changes in our day-to-day life. I see him trying to be more caring and considerate of what I am going through, I see him trying to be more open and honest with me. We talk more than we have in years. I have seen him talk a little more about his P/M behavior since the discovery when all he would say is yes I did things that were disrespectful to you and to our marriage. So that is a big step. I see him progressing but at a very slow pace for me, but its his pace and not mine, whcih was hard to realize. But I still see that he is not quite there yet on admitting that he has something more than just a problem. That he is a SA.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

As mentioned above, he's still not quite there yet on admitting to himself, not me because I already know this, that he he is a SA with an addictive personality. So he hasn't quite bought into the program yet, I think. We have just agreed to start the couples workshop. Did lesson one last night, and boy that one will either make him see and accept it or realize that he isn't motivated enough yet to change instead of just trying to control it.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

No, I haven't communicated this to him yet in a direct way, indirectly yes.

Exercise Eleven:
A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.
There are several guidelines to follow in writing this letter:
1) If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with anger, to the point where you experience a strong urge to act upon your emotions, then STOP. This is a letter that can be written at a later time. The benefit for doing it now is to purge yourself--in a safe and 'controlled' manner--of some of the extreme, intense emotions that you may be feeling. Or, to become aware of feelings that you may not have realized were there.

To My H,
I am not even sure if i can relay to you all the emotions that I have felt over the last 10 years or so because of your choices. I didn't really have a say in any of your choices nor were my feelings considered when you made them. That hurts to the very core of my heart. I can't imagine making any choices in my life without wanting your input or if they were going to affect you directly, not consider your feelings in my choices, because you are important to me. This lesson tells me to make a list of all the emotions that I have felt as a result of your addiction. So here goes:

anger, rage ( never knew I could feel this intense), hurt, jealously, grief, bewilderment, shame, guilt, disgust, repulsion, humilation, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, hurt, lacking, ugly, disappointment, never good enough, incomplete,longing, begging, desperate, desperation, overwhelmed, suicidal, used, apathy, a point where I could no,longer feel anything at all ( that was probably the worst), unable to function, unworthy, betrayed, crazy, atupid, deceived, gulliable, onloved, unwanted, discarded, unattractive, psycho, and the list could go on and on. But I am not sure how productive that would be for us or for myself. I cannot begin to describe how awful it is to feel all these emotions and to feel them so extremely that you begin to wonder if life is worth even living. To know that the peron who caused them all is the one person in your life who promised to love, to protect, and cherish you forever, the person that was always supposed to make you feel safe and secure. What a joke!!

The day after my Dad's accident when he passed away, my Mom was still in the hospital in ICU and not knowing if she was going to make it or not, and I discovered in the bathroom that morning, I have spent much time lately trying to figure out why that time was so much more hurtful, devastating, and different than any other time before that or since then. So much so that I shut down completely emotionally. I finally came up with the answer looking deep inside of myself, which wasn't easy for it brought out certain things that I had buried because they were just too much at once to deal with. There were 2 people in my life that I had always depended upon and needed, one I had just lost, my DAD and the other one YOU, which I found in a somewhat distubing situation that I felt was just so unfeeling towards me. At that point I felt like I had lost both of you, like the floor was collasping right from under me and I was free falling and had no one to help me, support me, or to just lean on. For the first time in my life I felt completely alone and it was unbearable, just too much and I just couldn't handle it. And I hated you for it. I remember thinking that if I could just get passed dealing with the death of my DAD then I would leave you. I truly hated you at that point. My heart was just shattered iton a million pieces and I just couldn't deal with all this at once, so I shut down trying to preserve what I could of my existance. But the longer that time went on and I was still shut down, still trying to protect myself not realizing all the damage that I was doing to my very soul. As I look back, I can see myself each day over time becoming and reacting to life in a very mehanical way. I lost my ability to have or show compassion or empathy towards anyone, and that used to be one of my greatest strengths. I lost my faith, faith in myself and my faith in God. I was no longer living my life, but merely existing in it. One of my greatest regrets during this period, was not being there emotionally for my 2 kids. They surely didn't deserve that. I had always been a great Mom but I just didn't have then strength anymore. The farther down I buried myself, I lost the ability to change anything even if I had wanted to try. I was so lost that I wasn't able to find my way back to life.

Exercise Ten
I skipped this one because I needed to spend alot of time thinking about it.


Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.
1. My ability to feel safe and secure inside of my own home. My home was the one place that I felt totally safe and secure at. I loved being in my home with my kids and with H. We put a lot of time, effort, and love into this home. We built it from scratch with each of our visions and tastes throughout it. It is the home where my kids grew up in. There are so many great memories inside of and attached to this home.
It turned into the very place where all my safety and security were destroyed. It’s where all my hurt, humiliation, and anger happened at.
Slowly changing certain things in my home such as redecorating “the bathroom”, destroying the computer, letting go and feeling a lot of hurt and anger that I kept inside for so long. Reclaiming my safe and secure environment. Not letting it destroy my memories here.

2. Trusting and having faith in myself – I have spent the better part of 10 years doubting and questioning the things that I knew my H was doing. He manipulated me so well that I begin to question if I was really going crazy. I got to the point that I no longer trusted myself, my guts, or my instincts. I began to question everyone and everything. I didn’t believe anything or anyone. I now this was especially hard on my kids because they were teenagers at this point and I became very controlling and over bearing with them.
I am finding the strength to learn to trust me again. It is a slow process, and I question if I will ever be the same trusting person I once was or if I will always have this doubt. I
I will learn that I cannot “control or micro-manage” everyone and everything. I have to let go of that. I cannot be responsible for everyone’s actions nor do I want to be anymore.
I must understand that while I can support and encourage my husband to engage in some kind of recovery process, I cannot dictate or control it. He is accountable for his actions, not me.



3. Allowing myself to become a healthy individual – I get great enjoyment out of little things like reading a book, listening to music, taking walks, going to the park and just sitting and relaxing, going for a b bike ride, being with family, being with friends, spending time with my teenage kids, watching TV., petting my dogs, getting a massage, getting a manicure, taking care of my home, taking care of my kids, taking care of my H, spending time as a family (we used to do everything together as a family) etc..
I am allowing myself to take breaks from this nightmare to just enjoy. I am taking walks daily with a friend, going on bike rides daily with H (his suggestion), spending more time with friends (great source of support), spend time with my Mom and sisters, trying to rebuild my closeness with my kids by spending quality time together doing pretty mundane things, taking bubble baths occasionally, went to get a massage the other day (was wonderful and relaxing), I have taken pride in my home again (something that I had let slip in the last year), spending time with H really communicating, and taking my dogs for walks.

Exercise Twelve
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?
B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.
EXERCISE 12
APRIL 1, 2012

I think that at this point right now I am stuck somewhere between the disorientation stage and the awareness stage. I still find myself obsessing over where he’s at, what he’s doing etc. When I am not there, as if I can control what he does or does not do. I am starting to feel a little bit of empathy and compassion towards my spouse, but at the same time I continue to feel such intense hurt, anger, rage, and frustration. Sometimes I cannot even control it. It’s like my mind is telling me to stop and my heart just keeps saying let it go, let it out. I feel a constant struggle inside my head every day, from moment to moment. I am still not able to fully detach my healing process from my spouses. I find myself still not quite obsessing but still trying to focus on his recovery. Pushing him to see what I already know--He is an addict. I believe that he sees it, but to admit it I am not sure if he ever will. And I know that he cannot begin the recovery process until he sees that he has a problem. Right now he’s controlling the urges and the habit, but how long will that last? I feel like I am in limbo somehow, just waiting for the other shoe to drop?? He doesn't understand that to control the problem doesn't really change or last, but he should know that because it hasn't worked for any length of time in the past. I wish he would read all the information that I have because it would all make some sense to him. There are times when I feel good, but then he comes around and he’s just so nonchalant in his actions it makes me feel like he doesn't think that this is as serious as it is, almost like it’s no big deal. When that happens I really cannot control the rage I start to feel. I still feel such rage at what H has done to my life and our life and marriage.


April 7, 2012

I look at this and realize what a bad place I was still in just a week ago when I originally started this exercise. My views, visions, and thoughts have progressed so much since then. I read this and I feel a very hurt, bitter, resentful, and angry person talking.
I am at a better place in my life, in my head, and in my heart right now, better than I once ever thought possible. I feel that right now I am mostly in the awareness stage. I still find myself struggling with some aspect of S/A that takes me back into the disorientation stage. I struggle daily between what my heart says, which is my emotional response, and what my head says, which is my healthy response. But I am finding that the less emotional responses I give, the more that I feel empowered. I feel like I am moving forward and not backwards into that dark place again, and I feel in control of the only thing that I should be in control of which is myself. Letting go of control was very hard for me. I have always tried to “control situations by fixing them”. I can’t always do that. I am no longer obsessing with his whereabouts or what he’s doing when I am not there. I thought for the last 5 months since this latest discovery, that as long as I was always with him when he wasn’t working, then I could control his actions or at the very least prevent them. I have now learned that he is the only person that can be responsible for himself and his actions. He will choose what he does or doesn’t do whether I am there or not. My presence will not change his choice. I have accepted that I cannot expect him to recover at the same pace as myself. I have to let him recover at his own pace. That was hard to do because I felt like if we didn’t recover at the same pace we wouldn’t end at the same time. I realize now that I have to recover by myself, at my own pace, and get back to a healthy person, and reestablish my boundaries and values before I can began to think about working on us. I will support him in whatever way he needs from me, but I cannot manage his recovery for him. He has got to be motivated to do that himself from inside himself. Do not get me wrong, it is a struggle every day to make the choice not to remain or go back to the dark place that I was in for so long simply because it is easier and more comfortable, but I am choosing not to, no matter how hard it is or may become. There are moments when I will allow myself to feel whatever emotion I am having, but I just won’t allow myself to dwell on it for too long. Way too exhausting. The anger and rage are lessening each day, and I hope that continues.
I also see myself starting in the “Separation Stage”. I am beginning to see that my life and my happiness does not revolve around my H or his addictions and/or recovery. I know that at the end of this journey I will have succeeded in having happy, fulfilling, loving, and healthy life. Hopefully it is with my H because I do love him, but I have also accepted that there is a possibility that it could be without him, and I am ok with that. I just want to continue remembering how to enjoy my life again.

Exercise Thirteen
A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..
Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.
B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

A) I am distrustful of everyone and everything. I question everything. I don't even trust myself. 12
B) It has affected my ability to be a good Mom to my kids, emotionally unavailable to them, impatient with them, angered easily, and constantly questioning or disbelieving them. 1
C) I doubted my own sanity.7
D) I was so ashamed because I felt responsible for this that I isolated myself from all friends and even my family, especially my sisters. 10
E) I seem to take everything said or done personally. 8
F) I hated myself, felt very ugly, fat, unworthy or undeserving of anything in my life, very low self-esteem. 11
G) There’s nowhere I feel safe and/or secure anymore. 9
H) Devastated my self image. 5
I) It has weakened my values and morals, the very thing that made me who I once was. 13
J) It has changed me from a good, happy, helpful, nuturing, and caring person into an obsessive, miserable, untrusting, and at times, a hateful, uncompassionate, nasty person. 6
K) It has made me not be able to enjoy life and do the things that made me happy. 4
L) It made me just not care about anyone or anything. 3