Recovery Nation

Last night, H and I went to a bonfire one of his friends was hosting. There were a lot of people who came, and one of them brought papers and bank statements with him to burn as well. About halfway through the evening, he dumped all the papers in to get the fire going again. A few minutes later, one of the other guys noticed that one of the catalogs burning was porn/a lingerie catalog. He pulled it out of the fire and said, "why are you burning this?" He stomped out the fire and proceeded to look at it while making jokes about the "sticky" pages. All the other guys joined him, as if they were five years old, ogling and making jokes. (Note: H did not join in. He was actually in the house getting food/beer and didn't know this happened until I told him later in the evening).

I was surprised at how quickly my body/mind reacted. I thought I wouldn't react so strongly but I did. I felt like crying so I got up and left the bonfire and went to my car and started to drive home. I had a panic attack (I think, not really sure, not really experienced anything like that before to that intensity): I was hyperventilating, shaking, crying, and nauseous. My stomach hurt and was trying to throw up but I had not eaten in a few hours so I couldn't actually throw up.

Does this happen to anyone else? I was literally shocked that I would react that way, as I have been triggered many times at the mall, etc but usually just leave. I don't know if it had something to do with the flippiant attitude of the guys, or what, or just seeing them actually ogling it rather than just observing it was there. It was so strange and highly unpleasant. Anyone have similar experience? How do you handle it if it happens?

I am posting from my phone, so forgive the brevity and any weirdness. I just didn't want this to go unanswered.

for my part, yes, I've had similar reactions. Those were closer to d-day, though, so add a grain on salt there. for example, on Christmas eve my family got together and somehow porn came into the conversation amongst us middle-generation-members. in a jokey way. I sat through it for a minute, hoping the subject would change. but suddenly I just couldn't anymore. I ended up hyperventilating in the bathroom.

anyway, gotta run. but I hope that is a little comfort.

YUCK! I know it won't make you feel any better, but they were five year olds and thinking they were cute as they supported one another.

Were there any other women there? If so, I hope they didn't think these guys were cute, too. At this point in my own process, I doubt if I would have been silent. I would have left the party, too, and they would have known why. That's me at this point in my life and my healing.

The trick is to not let it get to you - action plans help. This, unfortunately, is a mindset that rears its ugly head often so I tend to prepare with a few choice comments that I keep handy in my brain. Did you see the stand Ashley Judd recently took about the sexualization and objectification of women? Check it out on line. I found it a source of hope as well as validating.

Just want you to know that your reaction is not uncommon so don't let it get you down.

Hope this helps.
Nellie James

Nellie,
There was another woman there; she found it funny, sadly. It was actually her fiance's porn, and she didn't care at all. Yuck.

I should have said something, but honestly just wanted to leave. My DH talked to the host about it later in the evening.

Oh, it's OK to not say anything. I didn't mean to imply that's what you should have done. I've been on this journey since August of 2008 and have grown a bit tougher and more out spoken. I'm glad your DH spoke to the host. Support helps.

Nellie