Recovery Nation

I was just hoping to get some perspective from you wonderful ladies. It's been five months since I first started unraveling this evil web, although it's only been 1-2 months since we started 12-steps, and sex addiction therapy, etc.

The issue I am having is that he is becoming even more closed off, defensive, and negative than he was before D-Day. Immediately after discovery, he opened up and was willing to answer questions (though not honestly, haha), was adamant that he would treat me like a queen, and was ready to do whatever work it would take to get better and make it up to me. However, now he gets angry if I want to look at his internet history, he gets frustrated if I try to talk to him about how his recovery is going, and he attacks me if I express my distrust or my unhappiness. He seems to have no more patience for me or my emotions, does not seem to understand the very very difficult emotional state that he has put me in, and never ever initiates communication. Is this normal?

Do I just need to take a deep breath, try to detach (haha!), and wait for him to move to a healthier place? Or is this a bad sign? I am having an incredibly difficult time dealing with it, and even though we are doing all the recommended therapy, it just is not improving (although we've only been in therapy for 3 weeks or so). Our therapist seems to think that I am expecting too much, but I am worried that if it stays like this for much longer, my heart will grow cold. Already, I do not love him as I once did. And every day I become more and more resentful. I don't ask for perfection - I just want communication and validation. No, I NEED communication and validation. How do people stick around without those things?

As funny as this universe is, my best friend found out that her husband was also a porn addict when she told him about my sex addict. She has shared with me what they have been through, and her husband has been so communicative, understanding, and willing to talk the issues out with her for as long as she needs to start to feel better. He understands why she doesn't trust him and is willing to patiently wait while they rebuild trust. I feel like this is the opposite of my fiance and I yearn soso badly for those things. I pray that he will change and start being able to offer those things to me. But alas, it doesn't happen. How do I deal with this? Have other people been through the same thing?

What surprised me about the recovery process is that it takes so long. That there is the addiction, which is so contradictory towards happiness that you would think someone who had it would be racing to fix it.

But, there is the addiction and the addicts mind. And where stopping the behavior is pretty straightforward, healing the mind that fueled it is a much longer process. In my opinion, no one would choose this addiction. It takes a lot of self deception to keep it in place. So recognizing what seems so clear to me, it's not so clear to my H. So, watching him defend his addiction, or feel victimized by my emotions around it--- it makes no rational sense!!! But, it is the emotional needs which are strong, so it is as if I am standing in the way of something his mind has regarded as a functional part of him.

It's crazy making. So, we have to put our energy into our selves, our own healing--- establishing values and protecting them with clear boundaries.


It's really hard to watch someone you love go through this.

Dear pushingforward -

I understand how difficult it is when we want to have validation, communication, caring, nurturing - and we do not get what we feel we need.

Startup is right though - Recovery does take a very long time. In the mean time, if you are staying in the relationship, your job is to work on you. The more time you spend on your own healing, the easier and less frustrating the actions of your SO will be. It takes a long time to learn to detach with love, so be patient with yourself.

If you feel his actions go against your values, you can set boundaries and consequences to protect yourself. By doing this, you are allowing him to be who he is and do whatever it is he needs to do to recover, while you take a step back and work on yourself.



Yes and no! Yes, take a deep breath and practice detaching. But no - do not wait. Move forward and learn about yourself, your hopes, your dreams and who you are as a woman - but don't wait for him. His recovery is up to him. You may or may not get what you're waiting for. Do you want to stop living while you wait?

Go back and read the wonderful vision you have written for yourself and then keep going!

Again, I know it is frustrating - I have been there too. But, it does get better. You're doing great - just keep moving forward.

Sending you hugs -
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Hi Pushingforward,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. I see that you are working hard on your lessons, and you do have a wonderful vision for the life you want for yourself. Think of it as your roadmap to use as you go forward with your lessons and begin your healing process. We have no control over the recovery path our Hs choose, but we do have control over our own path as we heal. As was suggested you can put a few rules or boundaries in place for now until you reach the later lessons that address this more completely. One rule/boundary might be to state what is not acceptable for you regarding his use of the computer. Another might be setting a weekly meeting to discuss progress with a definite format and time limit, and time outs when emotions run high. Discuss this with him and with your counselor.

His recovery process will be unique to him as your healing will be to you. It's a long hard road for each of you. All the compassion, empathy, communication we want and expect is not in his skill set right now. Until it is, you can't expect much security from him. It's best for you to keep your focus on your own healing which brings us back to your vision. I found it helpful to start calendaring in a few activities to do on a regular basis that supported elements of my vision. I'm a great believer in finding my joy. What gives you JOY?

This is not unusual. Sorry. As he works to become healthy, change may come. Part of what RN does is educate us about the SA mindset and that will help you understand what you are dealing with, but there is no one size fits all. Comparing him to your friend's H in this regard is not a true indicator of anything except that they are different people. She may be a friend who can offer you understanding and validation, though. Just be clear with yourself that your H's path will be unique to him.
There really is no normal in any of our situations. There are common patterns, however. Not understanding emotions is one of them. Many SAs don't deal with their own emotions or understand ours. Counseling may help him in this area. He own self awareness is not there yet. Communication can be hard for a while as well. I do understand your need to be heard. I learned to use a feeling statement for that purpose: I feel _____________when you_____________. Use a simple statement without emotion. He may or may not respond in the manner you want, but you are putting the ball in his court. If he reacts emotionally, don't engage - it won't take you forward.
It may take him a while to get to that healthy place. In the meantime, focus your time and energy on yourself. You are your only responsibility. Turn him over to himself. He'll either do the work to recover or he won't. I know that sounds harsh, but that's the way it works.

You have only just begun. Recovery takes a very long time, and he is just beginning his process and so are you. My H was in shock and didn't really know who he was for several months after DDay. I felt very discouraged and kind of out in left field. I hadn't found RN yet and felt in limbo until I did. This is whee I learned to connect the dots.
I understand and empathize. Healthy communication is an important value for all of us here, but it doesn't happen in a timely way with the recovering SA. Validation you will find here among friends who understand what you are going through. Sticking around or not is a personal choice based on what we can live with BUT we recommend giving yourself time to regain emotional balance which takes time. Doing the lessons helps. It's a continuum of learning and evolving and reclaiming ourselves - all very empowering.

Please give yourself the Gift of Patience.
Nellie James

I feel like we're involved with the same man!

It took my H several MONTHS! to finally "get serious" about recovery. It was soo frustrating & so disappointing! But, I had to keep remembering that his recovery is not up to me. And, finally, I quit checking up on him and concentrated on taking care of me. By maintaining my values & boundaries & consistently doing my RN Partner's lessons. My well-being is always up to me. There are no guarantees, but there are lots of us partners who have been there and support you in what you are having to go through! Take heart!!