Recovery Nation

1. I feel that I am actively committing myself to change; to change my life is a personal decision on my part. I am not doing this for any other purpose but to get totally healthy and to be able to live a life that is free of addictions. To be able to encounter temptation and to have effective action plans to move to toward health and away from addiction.
2. I know I feel guilt/shame in the area of giving in on the process and not following through. I don’t want the “what’s the use” attitude, but I want a secure commitment to permanent change so that I will not get frustrated with life and throw in the towel. I feel sad for the pain I have caused, but I know that I must overcome those feeling to effectively move forward.
3. Time is a hard one because I want it done yesterday. I am sure I will need to develop patience. This is definitely not a sprint, but a marathon. I will commit to giving myself the proper time to heal and become totally healthy in regard to my behaviors and sexuality.

Reasons I want to permanently change my life
1. I want to lead an honorable life
2. I want to be healthy in all my relationships
3. I want to totally kick this addiction
4. I want to establish control in my life over temptation
5. I want to provide a model for a healthy lifestyle for my family
6. I want to love my wife unconditionally and have a healthy relationship with her
7. I want to be able to be healthy so that I can help others that struggle in this area
8. I want to feel alive in my life and not the dread addiction brings
9. I want to honor God in my life and in my relationship
10. I want to be done struggling with this for good.

Photo...I remember an old photo of me when I was about 7....it was my first picture taken with me in a baseball uniform. I was on my first team and I love baseball very much . It is my favorite sport. I remember the excitement, the joy, and how cool it felt to have a big league uniform on. I had the hat, the legging, even my first steel spikes. I felt awesome. That is the innocent child I remember me being. My whole world out in front of me, playing a game I loved and just feeling awesome! I want to feel that way again and I want to feel that way with my wife, my familiy, my friends.

welcome to RN

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you so a good start please do keep it up
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
RN is a great vehicle but that is all that it is, you need to power and drive it along a well trodden path
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand


we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

My Personal Vision:
I need to get back to a whole man concept in my life and I believe the key to that health is to be an open and honest in all my endeavors. I am currently at the end of my career in the military and will be transitioning to the civilian side. I still have many years in which to work, but I want and desire to go into another career field of my choosing. I believe that the primary focus of my life will be my relationship with God. I have hid from Him to many times and even ignored His Spirit within my life. I need to find the sincere integrity within my being and spirit to move back into a right relationship with Him and put my focus of spiritual transparency out there even though God knows me without me having to be transparent to Him. I believe living a spiritual transparency with God will be the first stepping stone of being transparent to all others.
My vision is to cultivate an intimate and bonding relationship with my wife with complete honesty and transparency with her. I will endeavor to show myself faithful in the small things as well as the large things. I want and desire my life to be a complete open book to her in any and all ways. I want to cultivate a love with her that transcends all others as we define it. One that is well balanced in its emotional, physical, sexual, social, and spiritual bonds. I want to be an honorable husband and a faithful spouse forever.
My additional vision is to be the kind of dad and father to my children that I should have been all along. One that is active in their lives and one that is present for them as often as I can be. I realize that they are of the age where they are adults in their own right and I need to give them space to engage in society, yet I believe that I will always be held to God’s standard to love and cherish my children and to be there to guide them.
I believe that all these goals are attainable and that I need to have a healthy consistency in my life. I do know that there are many good days ahead of me and I will reap a bountiful harvest in my relationships as I continue to do the things necessary to take care of myself in recovery and health and to cultivate the Godly relationship and marriage I was designed to have with my wife and my children!

Exercise:
Section A: Brian’s Values from his vision list:
1. Develop my whole man concept of life
2. Be healthy in all I do
3. Honesty
4. Career Change
5. Pursue active relationship with God
6. Listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit
7. Sincere integrity
8. Transparency in all dimensions of my life (body, mind, spirit)
9. Intimate & bonding relationship with Dominique
10. Complete honesty with my wife
11. Being faithful
12. Attention to the small details in my life
13. An open book
14. Cultivate a pure, agape love
15. Balance
16. Being honorable
17. Being the dad I am supposed to be to my children
18. Active in my children’s lives
19. Love my kids totally
20. Be a good example and guide to my children
Section B: Brian’s Values from example list:
1. Living with integrity
2. Living with compassion
3. Sharing my true self with the world around me
4. Strengthening my role as a partner to Dominique
5. Strengthening my role as a Dad to Brittany, Joshua, Danielle
6. Being dedicated
7. Showing appreciation towards others
8. Being tenacious in my pursuit of my career
9. Being charitable, giving
10. Developing intellectual depth
11. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
12. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
13. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
14. Bringing joy to others
15. Providing quality in my work
16. Establishing competence in my field
17. Being respected as a professional by others
18. Being playful
19. Staying active
20. Being dependable
21. Being reliable
22. Working as part of a team
23. Honesty
24. Humbleness
25. Sense of humor
26. Sense of responsibility
27. Being considerate of others
28. Putting other’s needs before my own
29. Taking care of myself
30. Being a role model for my family
31. Being a role model for others
32. Living an exciting and adventurous life
33. Loving others
34. Being loved by others
35. Being challenged; overcoming challenges
36. Competition
37. Developing emotional maturity
38. Pursuing a career change
39. Creativity
40. Striving for excellence
41. Establishing financial freedom
42. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
43. Physical health
44. Physical pleasure
45. Sexual intimacy
46. Sexual contact
47. Experiencing euphoria
48. Feeling sexually desired
49. Feeling appreciated
50. Feeling masculine
51. Passionate about life
52. Being recognized as an expert in my field
53. World-wide recognition
54. Developing sustained friendships
55. Encouraging my wife's independence
56. Being validated by others
57. Being respected
58. Being judged trustworthy
59. Developing patience
60. Sharing my true self with the world around me
61. Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
62. Being known as reliable
63. Wisdom
64. Connected to my own feelings
65. Being identified by others as charming and warm
66. Companionship
67. Resourcefulness
68. Integrity
69. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
70. Establishing my legacy
71. Organization
72. Instilling healthy values in my kids
73. Adaptability
74. Financial stability
75. Personal independence
76. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
77. Control
78. Experiencing uniqueness
79. Curiosity
80. Avoiding conflict
81. Improving my social interactions
82. Being a leader
83. Vulnerability
84. Sacrificing for others
85. Fidelity
86. Walking the same path as equals
87. Sexual intimacy
88. Masculinity
89. Building things
90. Intellectual growth
91. Communicating feelings
92. Experienced in conflict resolution
93. Taking care of others in need
94. Feeling happy and content
95. Accepting responsibility for living my life
96. Be known as truthful and honest
97. Sense of accomplishment
98. Feeling challenged
99. Friendship
100. Forgiveness
101. Realistic
102. Personal growth, development
103. Selflessness/Altruism
104. Self-discipline
105. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children

Section C: Additional Lists:
1. I have reviewed both lists and do not find additional values at this time.


2. Values extracted from my addiction:
Selfishness
Entitlement
Lust & Sex
Unfaithful
Dishonesty & Lying & Deceit

1. Pursue active relationship with God
2. Listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit
3. Intimate & bonding relationship with Dominique
4. Complete honesty with my wife
5. Cultivate a pure, agape love
6. Love my kids totally
7. Being the dad I am supposed to my children
8. Active in my children’s lives
9. Be a good example and guide to my children
10. Honesty
11. Being honorable
12. Develop my whole man concept of life
13. Transparency in all dimensions of my life (body, mind, spirit)
14. Being faithful
15. Sincere integrity
16. An open book
17. Balance
18. Be healthy in all I do
19. Attention to the small details in my life
20. Career Change

Lesson 5 Exercises:
A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.

The Values I listed are in line with what I desire to be.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

List is current with what I would agree is my prioritized values.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother'--whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

I am comfortable with the list as it is.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

Brian’s Top 15 Prioritized Values list:
1. Pursue active relationship with God
2. Listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit
3. Intimate & bonding relationship with Dominique
4. Complete honesty with my wife
5. Cultivate a pure, agape love
6. Love my kids totally
7. Being the dad I am supposed to my children
8. Active in my children’s lives
9. Be a good example and guide to my children
10. Honesty
11. Being honorable
12. Develop my whole man concept of life
13. Transparency in all dimensions of my life (body, mind, spirit)
14. Being faithful
15. Sincere integrity

Woah, woah there Silver! Of course your list is current, your posting times look like you've only just finished writing it!

Which is great, you want to get yourself healthy and you want to get these lessons done. But just "getting them done" is only half the picture, you need to let them sink in a bit. Roll them around and ask yourself if you've really dug deep and found out what it is that you really want - rather than some image of what you think society's ideal man is like. Maybe you have, of course, I'm just going by the timestamps here. Which doesn't tell me a lot, you were obviously writing offline and bulk posting...but when I read your thread I had a feeling of "rushing".

Two or three lessons per week would be a fine pace - I wouldn't do more than one in a day unless you're really feeling the need for a "catch up". Hmm, lesson 2 you did mid February...Did you get a wake up call there?

You've got a great set of a values but I'm seeing some duplication that you could simplify out. Just my take - it's your life and these things may have completely different meaning to you, but from my thousand miles away seat I'd wonder if you'd consider merging for example:

1. Pursue active relationship with God & 2. Listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit
7. Being the dad I am supposed to my children & 8. Active in my children’s lives
10. Honesty & 13. Transparency in all dimensions of my life (body, mind, spirit) & 16. An open book
11. Being honorable & 15. Sincere integrity

The point being that although you've a long list, if you look at what actual area of your life you're drawing a value from then (to me, anyway) it looks like this:

1. God
2. God
3. Dominique
4. Wife
5. Self-Image/Character
6. Kids
7. Kids
8. Kids
9. Kids
10. Self-Image/Character
11. Self-Image/Character
12. Self-Image/Character
13. Self-Image/Character
14. Self-Image/Character
15. Self-Image/Character

So you're actually relying on just 4 things in your life to give you support and meaning. Merging some of these values would give you the space to pull some other - perhaps more physical and concrete - areas into your value list. Are you a member of any groups? Do you build or repair, work with your hands? Any creative outlets - music, writing, reading? Sport, exercise, the outdoors, gardening?

Just what jumped out at me. Of course they're your values not mine. If they feel like different and distinct items to you, then of course they should be.

Good luck
Guided

1. Pursue an active relationship with God
• Attend weekly worship service
• Read Bible daily
• Daily prayer life
• Fellowship with other Christian men
• Infuse life with more Christian music
• Get into a home group when possible
2. Honesty
• Resolve to always tell the truth no matter what
• Meet with an accountability partner to discuss difficult situations
• Memorize scriptures on honesty and integrity
3. Develop whole man concept in my life
• Develop a balance in all areas of my life
• Do some type of physical activity at least 5X/week and for at least 60 minutes in length
• Read professional books as well as fun reading
• Take courses that I would be interested in
• Attend seminars in things that would interest me
• Develop my spiritual life with God on a daily basis
• Develop friendships with other men and meet consistently to encourage one another


Also, in reply to whomever (Guided) posted on my last one...reason why there is time stamp delays for my posts is that I am actively deployed to Afghanistan at this time. I did not have a wake up call or anything; I am just trying to consistently work my addiction with whatever time I can get during this deployment. I always work 12-15 hours days here and some days go as high as 18-20 hours...that is 7 days a week...no real breaks. So I am not just "rushing" to get this done...I am actively working this to the best of my ability!

Your schedule sounds hectic, Brian.

Good luck with getting The Work done when/where you can.


Guided