Recovery Nation

Lesson 39

Some thoughts on the points raised in this workshop.

One of the things I like about this program is the option that I can take from it what I find appropriate to my situation, however I can also read and understand other points being raised even if I don’t believe they are appropriate to me. I think of all the lessons I’ve completed this one showed more than any other that there is no typical sex addict, and that what applies to one person does not necessarily apply to all.

As an example even though making love to my wife became rarer, and I started with my addictive behaviour, I never stopped trying to be intimate with my wife for all the right reasons. I always felt it was worth the effort to try and keep the love and passion in our relationship, however as I got refusal after refusal I allowed myself to lose my values and make unacceptable decisions. This is a perfect example of the selfish nature of addiction, and as I’ve mentioned earlier I should have been stronger in standing up to her about this issue. While I agree that in my case I became “ingrained into a position of seeking immediate emotional intensity through sexual acts”, I also took this action to enhance existing emotional intensity (love, intimacy, communication, passion) as this is what I was craving from my wife.

This was an interesting lesson, and I’m not saying I disagree on all its points, I actially agree with much of it, however as I mentioned above I think the beauty of it is that it shows not everyone is the same. I am currently working on my list of healthy sexual values and boundaries.

Lesson 40

The easy way to do this lesson would have been to think of my wife as the example. Unfortunately my behaviour has shattered the boundaries she has, and I’ve spent a good part of the last year thinking about how I have made her feel and trying to help her reinforce those boundaries (and am still trying), so I don’t think for the purpose of this exercise she is the best option to use. Instead I will think of another friend and consider the questions.

I think one of the most important things we can all consider is that we are all different, and what one person’s boundaries, thoughts and desires will often differ from our own. That does not make them, or us, wrong, strange or weird, it’s just the differences that make us all who we are, unique creatures. In order to help them reinforce their boundaries you have to support their reasons for thinking the way they do, even if it is very different from your own boundaries, do not judge them on this basis, and perhaps even show interest in their chosen boundary (if appropriate).

I had a friend who decided she would stay a virgin until she was married. This is not something that I would choose for myself, however I respect that her decision was hers, made for her happiness, and suitable perfectly for her. She had her own sound reasons for making this decision, and there is no reason why anybody should attempt in a serious way to change her mind. There were times when we would have an in joke amongst a group of friends with her, but as we were close friends there was never any malice, and she always took it in the right way.

To violate a boundary of hers I would have had to push or goad her into sleeping with someone she was attracted to before she was ready. I would never have done this, however if I realised I had gone too far, I would have contacted her as soon as possible after the event to apologise for my behaviour, tell her that I still respected her decision not to sleep with anyone before she was married, and then reassure her that I would never try to force my opinion or beliefs onto her in the future.

If I was not aware I had violated her boundary, if I had been drunk when it occurred or something, then I would react in exactly the same way as above. There is no defence to a situation like this, you have overstepped the mark and there is nowhere to hide. Accept the error of your ways and hopefully move on.

Other thoughts – In many ways the last two paragraphs is what I have been trying to do with my wife since my first admission nearly 12 months ago. Unfortunately I now realise that the addiction and its symptoms meant that it took much longer for a full admission to come out and this only did more damage, however I have always taken responsibility for my own actions completely. I have told my wife why I made the decisions I did, and I believe she has accepted that her behaviour towards me was the catalyst for what I did, however I can never and would never say that it was her fault or was she responsible for what I did. I controlled my own destiny and made my own bad choices.

Lesson 41

Difficult to complete this interview stage as at this point there is no one I am sharing anything with in regard to my addiction. Naturally this is partly through embarrassment and also because for the moment, and in the most part, my wife and I are keeping much to ourselves.

I was speaking to a friend the other day about life in general and while she has not gone through a situation as complex as ours before she has had a difficult breakup in recent times. While I didn’t feel it prudent to pry too much as it is a sensitive subject, however I was able to talk to her in confidence and gain an understanding of some of her boundaries and values. Some of the areas which were important to her included open and honest communication, fidelity, honesty and acceptance of personal individuality within a relationship. It was this area that caused the breakup of her relationship as her partner found it difficult to accept her outgoing personality, which perfectly suited her current career, meant that she had to socialise with many people, including other males. This lead to attacks of jealousy, which while she has never to my knowledge openly flirted or been in any way unfaithful, he still got hung up on this side of things. She never had a problem when the situation was reversed, and had no need to either as he remained faithful, however it was the restrictive nature or jealousy that he exhibited that caused the cracks that ultimately forced them apart. There was more to it of course but this was where the boundaries and values crossed for them.

Lesson 44

I see my core identity in many ways as the person I was became affected by my destructive behaviour, so in many ways I am returning to my normal lifestyle. As I am referring to my core identity only it in many way means I am returning to the person who had strong values and boundaries and lived an ethical life.

A) My core identity will enable me to truly consider all sides of a situation before acting. Rather than taking an emotional “easy way out”, I will carefully consider all consequences of my decision making before deciding on the course of action. As I’ve worked through the workshops and progressed through my recovery I have become aware of how emotionally based decisions have led me down the path of destructive and ultimately addictive behaviour, and now that I have a better awareness of these thought processes it has become progressively easier to make value based decisions. Before addiction my core identity allowed me to do this without thinking, and I see myself returning here.

B) Making value based decisions will better my sense of self esteem, something that has taken a battering over the years of my behaviour. Naturally this has been worse over the last year since my first admissions, and even more so since our separation (and is still being affected because of this now). If I am to truly recovery not just from my addiction but also from life circumstances then my self esteem has to improve. The vast majority of this improvement can only come from within, praise from others will help, but it is far more important that I like myself. Making value based decisions is a core part of this, and the easier it becomes the more satisfaction I will take from it.

C) As described above my core identity is so-so at the moment, but this is mainly due to the emotional rollercoaster that I’m riding. I feel though that what I am going through means I am in tune with it. Fortunately from a recovery point of view I think it’s in quite good shape and I am grateful for that. Believe me, I am taking comfort and confidence from the positive aspects in my life.

Lesson 45

A) Compulsive Ritual – Porn Surfing/Online Chatting

A) Had bad experience/felt bad about element of marriage
B) Became depressed
C) Knew computer was nearby
D) Began surfing porn
E) Became aroused
F) Log in to contact site and/or check secret email addresses
G) Log into online chat service
H) Start conversations with contacts
I) Attention given to me made me feel better (even tho in most cases they were not talking to ‘me’ in the literal sense)
J) Search for new contacts
K) Establish new contact/s
L) Receive new images (accomplishment)
M) Felt important
N) Climax
O) Stopped behaviour, deleted evidence from computer
P) Mixed emotions on behaviour
Q) Felt shame, promise myself not to do it again

C) The point of no return for me was knowing there was a computer around, it just made behaving badly so much easier.

Lesson 46

Previous Compulsive Chain – Porn Surfing/Online Chatting

A) Had bad experience/felt bad about element of marriage
B) Became depressed
C) Knew computer was nearby (point of no return)
D) Began surfing porn
E) Became aroused
F) Log in to contact site and/or check secret email addresses
G) Log into online chat service
H) Start conversations with contacts
I) Attention given to me made me feel better (even tho in most cases they were not talking to ‘me’ in the literal sense)
J) Search for new contacts
K) Establish new contact/s
L) Receive new images (accomplishment)
M) Felt important
N) Climax
O) Stopped behaviour, deleted evidence from computer
P) Mixed emotions on behaviour
Q) Felt shame, promise myself not to do it again

Rewritten

A) Had bad experience/felt bad about element of marriage
B) Became depressed
C) Stop and consider why the bad element had occurred from both sides
D) Rationalise arguments and ensure I am thinking clearly in regard to my needs and her needs (as I understand them)
E) Accept there may be fault on my part and work out ways to remedy this
F) Find areas that I believe can be a compromise for both parties
G) Refine discussion points
H) Approach wife at convenient time, but as soon as possible/practical for discussion on these points
I) Outline my thoughts to her in a calm and clear manner, understanding that as someone who does not react well to criticism she may not take it well*
J) Use two way discussion to point out my ideas and encourage her points of view and opinions to be brought out
K) Hopefully reach acceptable compromise for both

*If the situation here becomes inflamed, which it could possibly do, rather than push ahead explain that I do need to have this discussion with her, and that perhaps she needs some time to think things through before we do, and then schedule a time in the near future to continue the conversation.

In relation to Point B) in Exercise 46 this does not feel awkward at all. In reality it is so common sense it’s ridiculous.

Lesson 47

Realistic Compulsive Urge Scenarios

1) Being lonely and sad and needing a pick-me-up
2) Being depressed about my current life situation
3) Being at a work function/conference and having someone show attention when I am feeling vulnerable
4) Being paid attention to by a female when I’m playing music in my band
5) When I am upset about the way I believe my wife made me feel in our relationship

I’ve been thinking about this for a week and realistically this is all I could really come up with. Even now I don’t really think any of these, in my current position, could have an effect as I am just not interested in pursuing bad behaviour, but for the sake of the exercise I looked back upon past experiences.

Using example 3) the urge/ritual would begin if I was talking to a female and the tone of our communication became more flirtatious. Now in the vast majority of cases this would not be an element to worry me, however if I was feeling particularly sad, vulnerable or unsure about my relationship then this change in the tone of our conversation could, and in some cases did become the “point of no return” for me.

This is now where I would create the break. I would change the conversation or more likely remove myself from the conversation entirely. The emotions involved would be desire to feel wanted, important and desired. The new me would recognise this immediately, and would take the action noted above. The new emotions experienced would be satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment and I would be at peace with myself.

Lesson 48

I feel that I have already become proficient in these three skills as in many ways they have been part of my life for some time, even when I was engaging in my behaviours.

Role playing is something I learned about when working as a tour guide. It was important to think about questions your passengers would ask, and I always felt it best to look at things from both your side (the real, logistically correct answer) and theirs (the desirable, if not always possible answer). In many cases this role playing took place instantaneously as they asked the question, but I believe that I found ways to give them an answer that at times was not what they wanted to hear, but I could be empathetic to their disappointment if the answer was not what they wanted to hear. Of course I could not feel their emotions, but I could understand them.

I have been using the Anticipation skill since my first admissions to my wife last year. Since then I have been in situations identical to those that got me into all this trouble in the first place and I have carefully thought through my reactions if faced with identical scenarios, what my thoughts and emotions would be and I developed strategies to ensure I was not affected negatively by them. I found this skill very useful and satisfying.

Actively Seeking has been closely linked to Anticipation for me. In my job it is a simple fact of life that I will be in situations that in the past have led to bad behaviour and this will not change. An example may be going to a networking function where there will be people who will be relaxed, having a few drinks, and where close contact and flirting (mostly innocently) can be prevalent. While I was initially very guarded about going to these events, both for my benefit and my wife’s, there was simply no option to attend if I was to remain doing my job. I took the approach that I had to in fact push myself through these events and make more of an effort to socialise, mingle and even introduce myself to more people than ever before as this was a way that I could combat my increased fear of finding myself in a possible compromising position. As I progressively did this I found that the fear of finding myself in the wrong frame of mind when talking to someone for an extended amount of time decreased dramatically, and I did not experience any urges that I may have done in the past.

Lesson 50

A.
Positive
1) Continued success in my recovery
2) The chance to redeem myself somewhat
3) To prove to myself and others that I am the person I always was before I headed down the dark path
4) Increased self esteem

Negative
1) I may not feel, temporarily, as good emotionally as if I had continued with the ritual

B.
Positive
1) Immediate gratification

Negative
1) Decreased self esteem (why can’t I stop this)
2) Effectively lying to myself and others
3) Lack of genuine recovery
4) Lack of faith in myself to recover
5) Proving that some things said about me were correct
6) Losing faith my myself and others feeling the same way

C.
Values Based
1) Confirms my new identity and values are in some ways new, but in many other ways a return to those I held years ago, giving me faith in my ability to recover, and in fact helping to confirm my ongoing recovery
2) Confirms that I am a man of honour, trust and faith, allows me and others to see me in a very positive light
3) Enjoy a very high level of self esteem

Emotion Based
1) Will destroy all for I have worked so hard for, and in many ways will lead me to doubt I will ever make a full recovery
2) Destroy my self esteem
3) Give me very little to live for other than my children (who will always keep me alive)
4) Cost me my marriage and possibly even the chance of having another relationship as I will not want to risk going through this again

Hey Better Days

First, a good job here. You are thoughtful. You understand how RN can help you - but how ultimately it is a guide that lets you help yourself. It sounds like you are balancing your own recovery with understanding other people - especially your wife.

Interesting on boundaries. Remember - these are both a stop sign and a go sign. On the one hand, they prevent us acting in certain ways. For other, they show the limits of how we can act to/with them. In doing so, they protect our values - give us the time and space to think and act in a healthy manner. Keeping a clear and calm head is vital if we are to act according to our values, especially when we are under emotional stress.

How is your emotional rollercoaster right now? This is one side effect of living according to your values- you will feel things intensely, because you are no longer distracting yourself, or trying to escape into - and through - your fantasy life?

Finally. I notice in your urge list you don't write anything about the computer. I tthought you list of possible contexts was good, but dont discount scenarios that seem to be dead to you in recovvery.

As you say in the good post about role play and anticpating problems, include every possible 'trigger' you can - internal and external. Don't allow yourself to be surprised.

But this is encouraging. Keep practicing the role playing. Not just boundaries, but your active plans. I find it very useful, for even the most mundane events. I create a plan and talk them through with my wife. It is amazing how rehearsal helps you act well when the real deal arrives!

Shaw

Hi Shaw,

Thank you for the encouraging words. It took me a while but I used to get concerned that mentors were not commenting on my posts however as I have progressed further through the workshops I have come to understand that if I wasn't on the right path someone would say. It is nice to get validation from time to time however.

Interesting your thoughts on boundaries, and by default values. I could not agree more with what you have said, and in my case I have found they have both affected me in ways I would not have expected. I think I mentioned in an earlier lesson that as I work in sales from time to time you have to, shall we say, stretch the truth in order to obtain the desired result. I have never down and out lied about anything in this way, but these days I'm finding that when faced with a situation where it would be in my interest to cover up an issue I'm actually going the other way and enjoying the challenge of trying to still get the sale, but not compromise my rebuilt values and boundaries. This in turn has the effect of building my self esteem in two ways...so it's a win/win!

As for my emotions this is a different story. I don't find I'm having any trouble from the point of view of living with my values, but it is becoming more likely that our marriage will not survive, and this is affecting me greatly. Last week I had a particularly tough week, the first really bad one for some time, but I guess I am starting to prepare mentally for this eventuality. I have not given up all hope as yet, and time will tell, but it has made the ride more difficult.

To be honest I didn't even think about my computer when writing the urge list, it just doesn't figure like in my brain like it used to...a gateway to my fantasy world. These days it's just a tool for other uses which are far healthier. I can assure you I do not discount any possible scenario, I have been through too much and have come to far in my recovery to stuff it up, but I am encouraged by my attitude towards what was once a symbol of a false life. It's these little victories that let me know the war can and will be won.

Again, thanks for your encouragment, ideas and validation of my work, very much appreciated.

Betterdays

Lesson 51

Again I am treating this from past behaviour, not current behaviour. Even though this may seem irrelevant to do because of that I do gain a lot if insight from doing these exercises.

Compulsive Ritual – Porn Surfing/Online Chatting

1) Had bad experience/felt bad about element of marriage
2) Became depressed
3) Knew computer was nearby
4) Began surfing porn
5) Became aroused
6) Log in to contact site and/or check secret email addresses
7) Log into online chat service
8) Start conversations with contacts
9) Attention given to me made me feel better (even tho in most cases they were not talking to ‘me’ in the literal sense)
10) Search for new contacts
11) Establish new contact/s
12) Receive new images (accomplishment)
13) Felt important
14) Climax
15) Stopped behaviour, deleted evidence from computer
16) Mixed emotions on behaviour
17) Felt shame, promise myself not to do it again

Point where I should consider options – between points 3 and 4

A) Options available
1) Go to computer and start to surf porn
2) Turn off computer (if on)
3) Busy myself with another activity (play guitar, watch TV)
4) Think about ways to change/improve the aspect of my marriage that was upsetting me
5) Discuss the above, and possibly the urge with my wife
6) Masturbate alone and without visual stimulation

B) Option 1 would be automatically filtered out. There would be no positive influences on my values if I chose to go through this option, there would only be immediate gratification followed by remorse, shame etc.

C) Consequences
2) Act – increased self esteem, satisfaction through value based decision. To not act – confusion, frustration, temptation. Act, becomes known – positive response from wife, though I suspect some concern also that this was still an urge I had (would depend on point of recovery), high increase in self esteem, rebuild confidence and trust in relationship. Act, not known – same as “to act” except frustration that I was not getting credit for making progress in my recovery.
3) Same as above.
4) Act – as above, also some frustration that these issues were still within our relationship. To not act – perpetuates problem, possibly making it worse and the possible behaviour to follow more extreme. Act, becomes known – SHOULD be positive response only, however as my wife does not take criticism well in some ways made the problem worse (this is in reality what happened, however I should have pushed the issue more and sought counselling if we could not find a resolution). Act, not known – as above, same result really.
5) This is really covered by the “Act, becomes known” above, can’t really ad too much to it.
6) Act – short term satisfaction and gratification, some guilt. To not act – physical and some mental frustration, some mental satisfaction. Act, becomes known – confusion for both, frustration, shame, guilt. Act, not known – same as “Act”

Lesson 52

In the past I have had to talk to people who had suffered severe emotional trauma (serious injury and or death of a child through an accident). The responsibility I had in my job meant that I had to speak to these people, be sympathetic, be organised and be helpful, however I also had to be the company’s representative and take “the company line” when dealing with them. This at times meant I had to release my emotions, no matter how sad and sorry I felt for these people, and at times tell them things they did not want to hear (ie: what we could not do for them). This was beneficial as if I became emotionally involved it would have been more difficult to make correct decisions from a company point of view, and even more importantly say something that could have possibly has consequences further down the track.

Lesson 53

Against Values – Masturbation where I am engaged in behaviour that I have previously participated in. This includes assuming another identity to obtain pornography for sexual gratification or relief. In addition it would also be against my values when I use it as a reason to pick myself up when feeling low as this is when I feel I would be most likely to relapse into my old ways.

Within Values – Mutual masturbation as part of a love making session with a partner, or when I was in a positive frame of mind and wanted some simple pleasure.

I have experienced most value conflicts when I have not been given the amount of respect, appreciation, love or attention that I was hoping for. This is when I have acted out in the past and in fairness this is probably when it would be most likely to happen again in the future. I saying that since we have separated I have naturally not been experiencing any of these things from the person I desire it from most, and yet I have not acted out in ways I have in the past. When I made my first admissions to my wife last year I did find it difficult to make the right choices in the first few weeks, then as our relationship started to recover I did not struggle any longer. Once my final admissions came out and we separated I feared I may slip back into old ways, but I’m glad to say the ability to say “no” was already ingrained into me and with the help of this program I have not had the urge to return to the old ways.

Lesson 54

Values Based Decision – I have made the decision to not lie in any way going forward. I can think of several occasions with my work where this has ultimately cost me a sale or in one case an entire account. For example I could have very easily inflated the quality of the product I sell, not in a grandiose way, but enough to get the job done. In all these cases the effect has been losing a sale at a time when every single sale counts, it would have increased my results, improved the overall result of the company, and personally made me look better in the eyes of my boss. (I might add that the objective of this lesson, the good feelings you get from making a values based decision, was the end result for me in this case, validating completely the principles involved )

Emotion Based Decision – Since our separation I have made no secret of the fact that I am still trying to reconcile with my wife, that I still believe we can have a future, and that more than anything I can prove to her that I am becoming the man she married and was for so long. In doing that I made the decision to not place myself in any position where I could be tempted in any way by past behaviours. The exception to this has been use of a computer, however in today’s world this is simply unavoidable.

This included not allowing me to be in any unnecessary “potentially compromising positions”, irrespective of how harmless they may be. In my part time role as a musician in clubs/pubs this is also unavoidable, however I have deliberately tried to be no more than polite to anyone, male or female, that wished to speak to me. I have found this to be not only necessary but very easy to do.

Recently I was conversing in a business sense with a female business contact that I have always had a good relationship with. She is an attractive woman, single and no ties. Nothing inappropriate has ever occurred, and she has never indicated to me that she is interested in me in any way. In the course of the conversation she suggested that we should catch up for a drink and suggested a time a few days later after work. I immediately had alarm bells go off in my head as this was exactly the kind of situation I have been avoiding, and I was also concerned that if word got back to my wife she would possibly get the wrong idea, not that I know how that would have happened. As anyone who has been separated knows loneliness does get to you from time to time and I made the decision to meet up for a drink. We spent around 90 minutes together, talked about all sorts of things in our lives (not my separation), and then went home alone (no values broken!). The positive side for me was that it proved to me that I can have a platonic encounter with someone I think is attractive and not allow my thoughts to think of other possibilities, I enjoyed the conversation and the company, the catch up made me feel happy at a time when I am having some real lows, and I allowed myself to go out of my current “no-go” zone and come away unscathed.

I know this last situation is not really ‘out there’ but it’s as close as I’ve come to forbidden territory for some time. I think you’ll get the drift.