Recovery Nation

What is holding you in this community? I remember your saying how much you love your home, the rural area - is this what is most important to you? If you are not finding the friendship or socializing there to fill the gap, what makes you want to stay in this environment. I'm just trying to understand what values take priority for you? It's food for thought. You don't have to respond unless you want to

I sense a light bulb moment here. Build on it. He does want it both ways as well as control you - good insight into his SA mindset. As you become more aware of how his behavior impacts you, you will be able to determine your values and the boundaries/consequences your are willing to enforce to protect those values. Remember boundaries are not punishment for him, even if he perceives it that way. Boundaries are about protecting your values. I think you know that, but are stuck in determining what your priorities might be.

Hope this helps.
Nellie

Exercise Fifteen
A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?
This workshop/forum is pretty much all the support I have. I live in a small rural community and have no real friends. I used to have a couple of friends here but they pretty much bailed out and I do not blame them. They disliked my (then) husband and I am sure it was very frustrating for them to witness the disintegration of my marriage, the pain I was in and my inability to simply let this man walk out of my life and stay out. It was the same with the couple of family members I was in contact with. I tried to limit my "dumping" and have now stopped it alltogether. I do not talk to anyone, except on this website currently, about my relationship. I have been seeing a therapist but do not have the money for regular visits and almost all of the visits have been to deal with issues other than my relationship directly. In fact I have not so much as mentioned my partner's addiction nor the verbal and emotional abuse that was the impetus for the divorce.

I was using the services of the local women's center but ended up being very put off by the counseling "techniques" that included comments like, "you just have to let it go". I also was taken aback by how much time I spent listening to the life and relationship stories of the counselors and how it compared with mine. It just was not at all helpful.I was not given any tools I could use to get out of my despair and take back my own well being. There were a few helpful incidents such as information on STD testing but most of the suggestions for getting out in the community and finding friends just were not workable. One of the valuable bits of information I received was that my partner had sent an email to the women's center director just after I filed for divorce. I did not ever see the email myself but it apparently was disturbing enough to be memorable.

Others, the few friends and family, have made very pointed statements of "stay away from him" but I find this to be hurtful. I feel like I am supposed to do what they want in order to please them. I do not believe they understand that at this point in time he is the only "friend" I have (yeah, I know - with "friends" like him……….) Are these people who tell me to stay away going to call me even once a month? No. Are they going to check in and offer an ear or a shoulder or an activity? No. I guess I am just supposed to be totally alone. That is what would please them.
B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.
*my dog
*my garden
*outdoor activities
*my work
*music
*painting
CERT training (community emergency response team) (will start soon)
*books
*internet
*this workshop
environmental and social activism (limited, it is not usually a positive activity)
church (tried but it just is not for me)


I think what troubles me the most is that so much of this is solitary. I have become more and more reluctant to even try to be around other people in part because of the turmoil of my intimate relationship and in part because of a history of abuse and an ongoing struggle with C-PTSD. Recent attempts to make new friends has not gone well in part, I believe, because of my "baggage". It does not take much for me to drop my chin to my chest and walk away when I feel I am being mistreated - except for my partner. For reasons I cannot entirely understand he continues to get a free pass on behaviors that would have me cutting off all communication with others.

 
C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?
I make part of my living as a massage therapist. I listen, I counsel when it is appropriate, I believe I am a part of my clients' support system. It is almost always a positive experience and has given me insight into how I would like others to support me such as making suggestions (instead of "shoulds") and letting it go but remaining there if they choose to do otherwise. I have also just listened to a couple of family members when they were in need. Just listened. No judging, no "solutions" unless my opinion was asked for, validating their perceptions when I could.

I think what would be very helpful for me is to have some friends. I don't just need someone to talk to - I need to feel that I am not alone. I need to feel that I am lovable. I need to feel that I am worth something to somebody. If I could have more real human "support", in the form of a "listener" and/or an activity partner I believe it could help me heal by giving me an alternative. If I had an alternative I would be less likely to continue to turn to the dysfunctional relationship out of a very real need for human contact.

My dog, my garden, the other activities in my life do a good job of giving me positive feedback about myself (usually) but I still feel a need to be cared for and validated by other people.

me:
I have had it suggested that I reach out for other companions. I have tried. I have invited others out for a hike or for a meal. I get the "yeah, we should do that some time" and then nothing. It stings. It is discouraging. It hurts. I give up and I withdraw.
Nellie:
What is holding you in this community? I remember your saying how much you love your home, the rural area - is this what is most important to you? If you are not finding the friendship or socializing there to fill the gap, what makes you want to stay in this environment. I'm just trying to understand what values take priority for you? It's food for thought. You don't have to respond unless you want to

what is holding me in this community:
-I love the "place", the land, the outdoor activities, the beauty
-financial; my house is paid for, if I could sell it right now it would probably go for less than was paid for it 16 years ago and that does not even take into account the cost of the upgrades since then, it could be very difficult for me to ever buy another house as my work does not pay that well or consistently - right now I can get by on the remainder of my first husband's retirement but I could not pay rent or a mortgage without using even more of my savings
-my house is a home, my garden, growing vegetables, all the little things, it is my special space and I need to be quite certain I am ready to leave it behind before I take that action

me:
If I am in a non-commited relationship I am inclined to take more time for myself than he seems to want to allow me to have. It seems he wants to have it both ways and it will benefit him at a cost to me. Okay. Maybe this was not as positive as it started......
Nellie:
I sense a light bulb moment here. Build on it. He does want it both ways as well as control you - good insight into his SA mindset. As you become more aware of how his behavior impacts you, you will be able to determine your values and the boundaries/consequences your are willing to enforce to protect those values. Remember boundaries are not punishment for him, even if he perceives it that way. Boundaries are about protecting your values. I think you know that, but are stuck in determining what your priorities might be.

I was remembering a day of skiing last month. He is much faster than I am. A couple of times he expressed dismay when we became separated on the mountain so he began to wait for me. But I could sense his frustration and often told him to go on ahead and we could meet up later. Then he said, no, that he wanted to ski with me. But his frustration was palpable and it was taking a toll on me as I tried to ski faster and felt I was putting myself at risk for injury by pushing so hard. This particular day he became more and more frustrated and told me that I wanted to ski alone. I said no, I did not.

He wanted to ski with me BUT he also wanted me ski just as fast as he does. He did not want to own that HE wanted to ski alone. He wanted ME to be the one to separate us. He wanted me to be something I was not and could not accept the impossible nature of his expectation and the danger it was putting me in to try and meet his expectation. It was all about him and what he wanted.

He has frequently accused me of not "accepting" him but I believe this is projection. He does not "accept" me. He has unrealistic expectations of what role I will play in his life. I end up feeling "deficient" which is reinforced by the conflicts that arise when I do not meet his expectations. I end up losing twice. I lose in the relationship and I lose in the rest of my life when the emotional turmoil stops me from doing the things that I love.

But companionship is important to me too and when things are going well I could not want for a better companion. When things are going well.

I am willing to sacrifice some to this relationship, every relationship involves some give and take, but I feel like I have been giving and am expected to give more than I really want to and I am not receiving enough to fulfill my needs, to balance the give and take.But I don't know how to find that balance especially when he can be so capricious.

Nellie, I think the lightbulb is still flickering, not yet fully on. I feel like there is some bit of information just beyond my reach right now but I will revisit this later.

It has been a couple of very rough days for me. We had a conflict a few days ago, he admitted to using porn to relieve his stress over the conflict (and other stuff) (he says for the first time since last December) He has said he wants me to reduce the stress for him so he will not feel the urge to use porn and aggravate the attachment anxiety he has and I was very firm in my response that his porn use and his attachment issues are not my responsibility - that he needs to deal with the stress he brings to the relationship and I will do the same. I suggested that he could come back to RN and actually complete the program instead of claiming "recovery". As of yesterday afternoon he has cut off all communication with me. I have a feeling in my gut that he might be feeling a great deal of shame but that he might also be indulging anyway. I am fairly certain he is frustrated with me for taking back some of my ground. I have not slept but one night in the last four but I have to get dressed and go to work today. But thank you for being here. I feel a little better now than I did last night. I am so tired of crying.

I'm sorry it has been a rough couple of days. Do you have any consequences for his acting out? It's OK to have rules/boundaries.
No. He has to learn to manage himself. It's not your job. Frankly, you are not his mother and he is not a child.
Good for you. Standing your ground is key. It gets easier with practice and it is the right thing to do.
I He doesn't like losing control. He's not accustomed to that. Giving you the cold shoulder, whatever the reason, is still immature behavior. Don't personalize it. This is indicative of the SA mindset. What he says and does is not about you, it's about him. It's important that you devote your time and energy to your own healling. Stay focused on yourself, your own health - keep doing the lessons - one step at a time even if they are baby steps that take you forward.

As for the crying - crying is OK. Honoring our emotions is healthy. Take time to find your joy, too, even if it's in the simple pleasures of your life like savoring a good cup of coffee, watching a beautiful sunrise or sunset. Find a haven in yourself by indulging in these joyful moments.
One of my favorite new finds is a paperback called Comfort and Joy by Colette Lafia and it's available on Amazon for a very low price. You can use the RN link to find it. Just a thought.

Proud of you, seethesky. I understand your connection to your home and the land. It speaks to your values. And those light bulb moments do happen. Give yourself the Gift of Patience in your process.

Nellie James

" Do you have any consequences for his acting out?"

In this particular incident I can see a few different forms of acting out.

#1 We were on the phone talking about a task he had offered to help me with. He got pissed off and hung up. I called back because I needed to know if I should seek help elsewhere and he hung up a few more times. Then he would not answer the phone and sent me an email to tell me that he was deleting the messages I had left and that it "hurt" him to hang up on me and not answer my calls.

#2 Then there was the porn use.

He did come and help me with the task but he was very distant and would not even respond to a hug I tried to give him.

#3 Now he has refused to respond to any attempt I have made to contact him.

I am having difficulty thinking of consequences that would not be punitive. The natural consequence is that over time this will destroy the relationship - again. So let me give this a whirl and I am, of course, open to suggestions and improvements.

#1 I will get someone other than him to paint my house as a result of what appeared to be a "power play" concerning this recent task that he volunteered to do. I need to be able to hire someone that I can count on to complete the job without all the drama.

#2 I am not sure of the consequences for the porn use. I suspected he went on a "binge" from the way he almost would not look at me and would not return a hug. I think he is suffering his own consequences. In the past I have been accused of trying to "control" him with sex. To me it seems natural to want intimacy when I am being treated well and not want it when we are in conflict and/or he is "using" but I can guess he is going to see this as "punishment" instead of a natural consequence for engaging in behavior that is repulsive to me. I have already responded to his declaration that he would not have used if I had not put him under so much stress.

#3 he refuses to respond to my contact = I should refrain from contacting him at this time. Notice I said "should". I am hurting so much right now there are moments when I am about to hop in the car and drive the 30 miles to his house in the hopes of having it be okay but reality may be quite different.

I am anxious about what might happen. Last November we had a major conflict and I backed off from contact. Ten days later he called me to tell me he had a new girlfriend (it seems he met her just a couple of days after the conflict) I need to talk to myself about this: if he does this again he is not a man I wish to share myself and my life with. He knows how hurt I was. If he can't keep it in his pants or if he chooses to break our agreement in vindictiveness, either way it is done. I will not put my health at risk for the sake of his addiction. Second chances are a gift. Third chances are foolhardy.

First, define what acting out means to you. Keep this separate from honest communication which is a value in itself. So is your intimate relationship, sexual and non-sexual. Just take one value at a time. Consequences for each may be different but each consequence needs to be something you are willings to enforce.

When I asked the questiion about consequences, I was thinking about his recent acting out and was wondering if you had enforced any kind of consequences. There are RN lessons that develop bounaries /consequences to protect your values so I don't want to get ahead of where your lessons currently are. It really doesn't work to skip over topics because it's all so interrelated.
You have every right to determine whether or not you wnat to engage in sexual behavior without justifying it, and that is a boundary in itself. When you get to the point of putting your all values/boundaries/consequences in writing, keep in mind that they are for anyone in your life, not just your H. Keep the wording straight foward and simple without adjectives like replulsive - makes it easier. I gave my H a copy of values/boundaries/consequences and put a copy on the refrigerator door so there is no confusion.

For now, focus on you current lessons. You can make a few rules to enforce regarding those behaviors that bother you the most. The lack of contact is an immature reaction on his part. At this point I wouldn't give it more power by your reacting to it and giving your attention to him instead of yourself.

Nellie

Exercise Sixteen
core values:
beauty in nature
personal integrity/congruence
home
my dog
joy of physical movement
mental, physical and emotional health
creative expression
the beauty and complexity of language
self-reliance
insight/intelligence/introspection
compassion/empathy/helpfulness
adventurous/courageous/resourceful
kindness/respect/consideration
joy/contentment
passionate/peaceful
energetic/efficient
dependable/consistant


in crisis:
what is my struggle about? is it moving towards being who I wish to be? is this person/decision/process in my life supporting my values or interfering with them? am I working from a genuine sense of self or from conditioned belief of what I "should" be?

*There has been a great deal of "process" involved in this distillation of self in a list and I know I have missed some things and/or may be minimizing some things due to my current state of mind. For instance the word "helpmate" kept coming up, the idea that one might have a partner that would share the work of life - but that is a value that I have pushed to the back of my mind because of the hopelessness I have experienced with this partner. Another value that I might have put on the "back burner" due to what might be described as a lack of success is a "human" community but I realized that I find my "community" in the natural world.

I think these words from The Rolling Stones say it well:
"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you get what you need"
But this is a good place to start and it is a process and the most valuable part of it so far was to see how rich my life is.