Recovery Nation

Well this weekend has been hectic to say the least. The kids had volleyball, softball, soccer and a First Communion to attend. Lots of running around and unfortunately, I had to have some communication with my ex-wife. She is just a mean person. With little snide remarks here and there, she even got into an arguement with the priest about what seating arrangements were at the church for The First Communion. Oh well!!

I think I had a bit of a motivational turning point today at church. I just couldn't quit rubbernecking. It was starting to get annoying. The fact that I was at church, so the short clothes and low cut shirts should have been at a minimum, but they weren't. Low cut blouses were everywhere. Even my (ex)step-daughter had on a low cut shirt. This is were the turning point, or realization, came from. I am actually low enough to "check out" someone that I raised as my own for over a decade. Pitiful!!! This rubbernecking and objectifying has got to stop. It is getting WAY out of hand.

So I will keep moving forward and try and put more effort into understanding the lessons, learning the lessons, not just reading them and forgetting them.

I read Lessons 3 and 4 today and have decided to list my new and improved top values. After trying out different things, I have found that some things just don't mean much to me. Maybe I am still looking for that "big hit" that I get from the addiction, verses living in my values?

Also, I am trying new things. I see myself in the mirror as someone who is about 30 pounds overweight. I think I would feel better about myself if I lost the weight. Maybe this is like the proactive action plans that I seem to be having so much trouble with. It will be something that I will have to "just do", instead of wait for it to come. So I am putting physical fitness in my top 15 values. I think I will get some enjoyment out of it and it will help me to obtain one of my "bucket list" items. Climb at 14,000 foot mountain. I have been up 3 mountains, all to about 12,000-13,500 never summiting any of them.

I guess recovery and exercise go hand in hand. I can read all the lessons and all the training manuals I want to. But change won't come unless I get my lazy but out from in front of the computer and actually do the work.

Top 15 Values

1. Proud of who I am
2. Proud of my abilities
3. Novice gunsmith/welder/carpenter/flooring/tile/drywall/woodworker/mechanic
4. Great husband/father/brother/son
5. Trustworthy
6. Honest
7. Willing to help those in need (not for my own sake)
8. Recovery
9. Live the Golden Rule
10. Better Housekeeping
11. Being open to the ones I care about
12. Build better physical health
13. Build better relationship with my kids
14. Become a better BF/Husband
15. Work on my attention to detail

I will work on building these values. I will review them everyday and seek opportunities to work on them.

Here is the new updated version of lesson 6 and 7. As I stated before, my values and the action plans that go along with them are in a constant state of flux. I am still struggling to find enough meaning to my values to outweigh the addiction. I think I will make another carrying card, but this time, I will have my list of values on one side and on the other side have a list of consequences for not using them as a guide. Maybe list things like living the double life, lies, lies, lies, loss of those close to me, hurting the ones I care about (kids, GF, myself), not in line with who I want to become. Things like that

Recovery

• Make to-do lists and update them frequently
• Put recovery first, above everything else
• Spend between 6-8 hours per week on active recovery
• Recovery is not measured by the amount of lessons that can be checked off as done
• Be willing to take recovery work to work or my GF’s house to work on.


Living the Golden Rule

• Treat people the way I want to be treated
• Preplan situations to be polite (not flirty) i.e. drive-thru, restaurants, cashiers
• Be open and honest without being hurtful
• Put other people’s feelings before mine
• Put myself in other peoples shoes from time to time

Housekeeping

• Don’t leave clean clothes laying on the couch
• Make the kids put their own laundry away
• Don’t wash a load of clothes unless I am going to be there to put them in the dryer
• Vacuum the carpet at least once per month
• Keep the sink cleaned out

Openness

• Be open with GF about what I need to feel good about myself
• If this includes going to rifle range/ kids games/ veg in front of TV. TELL HER
• Don’t build resentments toward her without giving her a chance to right the situation
• If she asks how I am doing, the word “fine” is not an answer

Family

• Attend as many practices and kids games as possible
• Don’t let the fear of running into my ex-wife at those events deter me from going
• Be honest with my GF about my desire to attend those events
• Play at least one family game with my kids per week ( monopoly, mouse trap, checkers)
• Let my GF cry on my shoulder, even if it’s my fault she’s crying
• Help my kids with their homework
• Continue with those long talks with my GF
• Take the kids on bike rides

Physical Health

• Make better choices, healthier choices when getting fast food
• Use the Elliptical machine at least 3 times per week
• Continue to take naps after working off last midnight shift, ( there are no healthy reasons for staying up)
• Get the bicycle out and start riding it over to the park, though the trails

Proud of who I am and my abilities

• During times of stress or the feelings of inadequacy, review pictures of the things I have built (8mm, dump trailer, coffee table, kitchen remodel pics)
• Look at the pictures of my kids and reflect on them
• Reflect on my “hound dog” past, and take pride in knowing that I am taking the steps to fix it

Attention to detail

• Don’t rush projects just to get them done
• Make them the way you want the first time
• Be willing to redo things that are questionable
• Complete the projects so you can feel proud of them
• Ask for objective opinions
• Be willing to compromise with my GF and her perfectionism
• Be willing to ask for help

Over the last two days, actually Tuesday night and Wednesday morning I had a bit of a relapse. I just had a real hard time struggling with wanting to look after having been triggered. I tried taking my mind off it and use some of my proactive action plans, but it didn’t work. I ended up just giving up. I just went into this sort of trance where I just said screw it to everything. I kept telling myself that all this work and torture just isn’t worth it. I first began to look at stuff on my phone, trying to find certain video’s and pictures that I wanted to look at. I finally found a few that I liked but nothing that really gave me that instant fix that I was looking for. It seems like I spent hours looking on my phone, partially because the internet on the phone is not the same as on my computer at home. That and the fact that we have super slow cell phone service around here, no 3G for us, and don’t even think about 4G. Anyway, I would try and open a web page and sit the phone down and wait while it loaded. After it would load, half the time it wasn’t the right page, or wasn’t what I was looking for, so I would have to try again. This frustration of not finding what I was looking for along with the fact that I was at work led me to act out as soon as I got home. I just walked in the house and went straight to the computer. I spent 15-30 minutes looking and MB’ing, until I reached orgasm and the cycle was complete.

Having just got home from work, I needed to take a nap before I could start on my list of chores. Anyway the rest of the day was ok. I cut grass, picked up the kids from school, helped them with their homework, and took my youngest girl to softball practice. All and all I had a pretty good day, barring the acting out that morning.

That night I had to tell my GF what I had done. Me and her are kind of at a breaking point anyway. (Might after been a factor in the acting out, like I’ve been doing the RN work for her). She is just getting sick of the roller coaster ride of emotions, and frankly I am getting sick of putting her through it. After all this time, I am still in what I would call early recovery. None of the values I am trying to build have enough meaning to them. Like I said in one of my previous posts, maybe I am still looking for that instant hit, that big rush of emotions. Even playing with my youngest girl at softball practice, I still don’t walk off the field with this euphoria feeling that I get from acting out. Anyway, today I am just figuring out what me and her are going to do, split up, take a break, keep going, whatever.

Lesson 10


1.Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

The only lies that are still being perpetuated in my life are the lies of omission or minimizing. When my GF asks me how I am doing I say “fine” and move on. I try and act like I didn’t have any struggles that day. Like I am a perfectly normal person with no addiction to worry about. I don’t tell her about the girl I saw at the grocery store, the one I had to for myself not to stare at or try to get closer to her. I just chalk up the experience as a success because I was able to force myself to stare at the ground. Not really recovery!!

2.If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.

At this point in our relationship, I have try and tell her. I feel that she deserves to know how I am doing. I also try and be respectful of her feelings. It is a very thin line between protecting her and protecting me. We are also considering taking a break from one another so that I can figure out what I want to do in my life. Primarily she is just tired of living in this roller coaster ride that I have been on, feel good for a week, then feel bad for a day or two, act out, get back on track.

3.If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully committed to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

I am not in coaching or counseling at this time and I ma still trying to figure out what my motivation for wanting change is. I constantly ask myself why I doing all this and is it worth it. Currently I still kinda have this void that removing the addiction left behind. And living within in my values still doesn’t have quite the “meaning” or “weight” that it should. So I am choosing to continue building on my values and see where that leads me.

4.Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to me directly.
5.Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread

I currently don’t have any movies stored on my computer or any DVD’s or stuff like that. And I don’t go anywhere for compulsive activity, hell you couldn’t even rent XXX movies in my hometown up until about two years ago. They call them Kentucky Blue Laws? Don’t ask why!
All I really have is my computer and the internet. This has been my primary acting out tool over the last several years.

Lesson 12

Although I do have a couple of the traits of the people in the forth group, I feel I have mead great strides in my recovery. My awareness of my feelings and emotions is one aspect that I would consider a positive thing. As an example; the other day I went over to my grandmother’s house to spend time with her and lend her a hand if she needed it. I ended up taking her to the store and on a few more errands. Anyway, while walking across the parking lot with her she became unsteady, I reached out my hand to her and she took it. We walked hand in hand across the parking lot until we got to the store front. When she grabbed my hand, the first thought I had was of concern for her, the second thought was a selfish one. I thought “I bet this looks bad.” Like it really matters what people think! I quickly realized what I was doing; my addiction was looking out for me, in case there was a girl that might notice me. Anyway, I thought to myself; this is my grandmother, she’s 94 years old, I am steadying her because I love her and because she needs my help”. I am thankful for the new awareness that RN has brought me.

Here are the traits that were listed I can identify with.

They have spent the majority of the workshop looking for proof that what they are doing is working, or that it will work, which has kept them from fully investing themselves into their recovery.

Most often ignored the physical act of pulling out the list and reading it.

They put forth the required amount of effort in their participation, but only rarely go that "extra mile". The one where they take the information and use it for their own benefit, in their own way. Establishing a private workbook, writing out (or just thinking about) additional personal ways that the information may pertain to them.

I have begun to document my day to day recovery process in two ways. First I have a calendar hanging on the wall right next to the calendar where I keep up with Dr’s appointments and kids sporting events. This calendar is where I list both the value I worked on that day and my struggles graded on a scale of 1-10. Second, I have also started keeping a journal. It feels awkward writing in it, but seeing how I am only on day two of the journal thing, I feel it will eventually get to where it feels normal.

Lesson 13

I feel grateful that I recognize a good majority of the traits in early recovery. At least I am not still stuck, and there is actual recovery taking place. Although sometimes, I don’t feel like my heart is in it all the way. I sometimes still wonder if it is all worth it. It seems like all it takes is a bad day to remind me what I’m fighting for.

To be honest, my thought process hasn’t changed when it comes to my acting out. What I mean by that is that eventually I will get to a place where, if someone at work offered me a Playboy, I truly won’t want to look at it, that I will find those images of someone’s daughter disturbing and disgusting. Currently I still want to look, but I know that I shouldn’t and that it will lead me astray again.

Looking back at some of my lowest moments in life is what keeps me here. There are the times when I was looking at porn with my kids in the same room. I would have the screen shrunk to 50% and then move it to the bottom left corner so they couldn’t tell what I was looking at. Stupid move!!!

And when it comes to my top values, well they are in a constant state of change. I am currently beginning to journal, read the bible and exercise. If you would have told me when I was 25, that in 15 years you are going to be reading the bible, I would have asked for a toke of whatever you were smoking. With the exercise, it was something I used to take pride in, of course; maybe it was just to help me with getting laid, either way I definitely need to start working out. I am approaching my all time high as far as weight goes and I don’t like it.

Lesson 14

This is the weekly monitoring list that I made about month ago. It still hangs on my bathroom mirror today. Although I don't review it daily, it is still something that I refer back to two or three times a week. It seems to help me stay on track. It is kind of a reminder or what I need to be doing in my life. I need to work proactively on my action plans. I feel I also need some type of reactive action plan to go along with it. I am thinking about putting pictures of the things that are important to me in the desk drawer where the computer is. When I sit down to use the computer I would pull out the pictures, sort of a reminder of what I am fighting for. I am fighting my way back in their lives. I have alienated myself from them long enough.

Lesson 15

Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.

Well, let’s see. I have been here for over a year and am still struggling with compulsive behavior. The act of taking away the addiction while trying to build on values that never existed before is difficult to say the least. I can honestly say that I have made a tremendous amount of progress though. My awareness of my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors is one of my greatest accomplishments. Things that I used to take for granted before now mean sooo much more to me. The time spent with my GF means a lot more to me. I am truly learning how to talk to my kids again. I am starting to build a relationship with my oldest girl that I thought would never have been possible before. She used to be on medication for ADHD, but in all actuality, I think she just needed some one on one affection and love. She is off the meds now and is doing great. I also spend more time with her now. Instead of shoving them in front of the TV, when they are with me, I make it a point to be with them.

My greatest downfall is my reaction to triggers. Even some of the simplest things seem to trigger me. Maybe it is because of my “card catalog” of memories that I refer back to once triggered. Just the other day I went to vacuum my carpet, looking at the vacuum cleaner reminded me of a video I had seen of a naked girl vacuuming. Thinking about it now, a vacuum cleaner is a very odd trigger. But the vacuum cleaner is something that I am going to have to get used to being around, for obvious reasons. Like CoachBoundless said though, I have to look at what my emotional state was, if the vacuum was a trigger. Sometimes the vacuum could be a trigger, sometimes it’s just a vacuum, depends on my emotional state at that given time.

Everything, everyday, is a learning tool for where I am in life. I just have to know what to do with the information gathered, that’s where RN comes in.

Lesson 16

Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction. To begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than supernatural. Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.

Let’s see, the addiction was my best friend growing up. It was always there for me to help me cope with the loss of the family pet, moving away with my dad when my parents got divorced, and even during times of stress or loneliness while I was married. After a day of acting out, I could always emerge the confident, happy man, without a care in the world. Although living with the addiction cost me a great many things in my life, I can see it for what it really was, a simple coping mechanism.



Last night at my GF’s house I had a rough time. What happened was, I had taken some of her left-over food to work with me. While at work, I only ate about half of it. When I got back to her house, I simply left it in the truck. I didn’t want to take it inside and show her that I had wasted half of the left-over’s. I honestly felt that it would hurt her feelings, like what she cooked wasn’t good enough. Anyway, when she asked about it, I simply said that I was taking it back to work to eat the rest, which I was perfectly willing to do. (I know it’s gross to leave out overnight, but I’ve eaten worse) I honestly felt that I was protecting her feelings in the same manner someone wouldn’t tell their wife they “looked fat in that dress. “ She was pissed off that I had lied and was deceitful, it didn’t matter the reason or the intention. The main point was that I was dishonest. This honesty thing is probably one of the toughest values to learn. I wasn’t dishonest to protect my feelings, I thought I was protecting hers. We discussed all kinds of different scenarios, but the fact of the matter is, she would rather someone tell her the truth no matter what. If she looks fat, tell her she looks fat, but do it in a respectful way. I say BS, maybe that’s just my warped view of reality, warped because of my addiction. I don’t know!!

Lesson 17

Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior.

Since I have already done this in earlier in the workshop, and I feel that example given was accurate. I have decided to do this on one of my more mundane or daily life compulsive behaviors.

Compulsive Behavior

Looking for Nutty Bar candy bars while at the gas station getting fuel for my truck

Suspense

I have stopped before to get fuel for my truck and went inside to get my usual Dr. Pepper and Nutty Bar, and the store didn’t have the candy. This bothered me so much that my routine was broken or that my goal would not be met, that I would often drive down the street for another gas station in an attempt to find the candy bar I was looking for. I have actually stopped at 3 stores while on my way to work, making myself very close to being late for work. Suspense would build while I was searching for it.

Sensory

I feel like the longer it takes to find what I’m looking for, the better the end result will be, like the candy bar that takes me 3 gas stations to find will somehow taste better than if I had found it at the original one.

Poly-Addictions

No doubt about it, I have begun to use food to control my emotions. I became aware of this about a month ago, I stepped on the scales and confirmed my suspicions. That is the primary reason for using food as my example for this lesson. I have also incorporated exercise in my weekly monitoring and also as a new value to try and build upon. I have been trying to use my elliptical 3 times a week.

Accomplishment

Once the candy bar is found and I have begun to eating, it’s like a great sigh of relief. The candy bar even seems to taste better if the chase to get it is more intense.

Looking for a candy bar may sound mundane to some, but that night I stopped at three different gas stations on my way to work, making myself almost late for work, was when I thought it had gone past the simple craving. Using the tools that I have learned in the workshop made me realize that it was my compulsive behavior taking over. I reflected on what was going on, and just review the situation as a whole, to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

These last few weeks have been real eye openers for me. My scale is tipping toward my values. I have slowly begun to realize that I am cared about in this world. Don’t get me wrong, I have always known that my GF loved me, but now friends are showing me affection that I have never felt before. I am starting to have intimate relationships with friends instead of just having friends, make sense?

Lesson 18

Time and Intensity

Time was used to build up on almost all of my sexual acting out. Whether it was timing my orgasm at the same time as the actor in the movie, or timing it to the exact point when my favorite scene/camera angle was found, time made the acting out more intense. Time and Intensity sort of work hand in hand, the longer I waited for completion of the ritual, the more intense it became. There were times when I didn’t reach orgasm. The intensity would be right where I left it when I started my next ritual.

Habituation

This is an easy one. I started off just looking at pictures, then I graduated to movies, then the internet came along and once again I was looking at pictures. I started looking at pictures of celebrities on the internet at first, not really knowing what else was out there. Of course, once those wouldn’t cut it anymore I moved on to movies. Next in the phase was downloading movie scenes and burning them to disc’s so that I could view them on the big screen instead of the little computer monitor. Then began the playing the scenes out in real life. I have no doubt that had I not decided to stop and get control of my life, I would have moved on to escorts/prostitutes.

Hi Man

I'm also glad to see you back - well, as glad as any of us are to be here. I guess I just wondered how things are going? It sounds like you returned after some relapsing to acting out and some cover ups?

How has being back helped? Do you have some plans now - perhaps especially for the lying. I know this has been a longer battle for me in many ways than the acting out - which I guess was a form of lying. I read the post about the leftovers for eg? What does that post mean to you now? Can you see it from you GF's point of view? How does this balance with your own intentions. It is a tricky line...

It sounds like you are doing well. How is communication with your partner?

I think doing the workshop again can be very useful. But make sure to translate your responses to your life - make sure that your insights head to you heart and your actions. If that makes sense. Make your values practical.

Anyway. I just wanted to check in - I hadnt seen any feedback. I will have a proper look over recent posts if that would be useful.

Shaw

Hey Shaw,

I have actually been doing pretty well lately. I feel that I am actual recovery now. I reflect on things alot more and things mean alot more to me than they used to. For example, I took my grandmother to the store one day and she held my hand to steady herself while we walked. When she took my hand my first reaction was that of ,"what if someone see's me, I bet this looks funny". I just a few short seconds I had time to reflect on my thoughts to the point where I became proud of the fact that my grandmother trusts me enough to take my hand, pround of the fact that I care enough about her to not worry what other people think.

I have also been developing friendships with people that I had previously been away from. These friendships are even becoming intimate (not sexual) friends. I never knew that guys could talk about their feelings before to one another. It is nice to have friends again and not shelter myself from people, scared that if they really knew me they would be embarressed or ashamed, like me.

Also the relationship I have with my kids has gotten alot better. So much so, that I have come to the realization that my oldest daughter wasn't ADHD, she just needed some affection from her father. Once I started spending quality time with her, interacting with her, she stopped all the temper tantrums. It was just her way of getting attention, although bad attention. But I guess from her point of view, any attention, even bad, is better than none.

Doing the lessons again is helping because I have a new point of view, a healthier point of view. Also I can better seperate the addict from me.

Lesson 21

The success or failure of goals depends primarily on motivation and commitment. If I am just not really committed to something 100% then I will more than likely fail at it. I tried being a hunter when I was younger, but it seemed like it was more for my father, so I gave up. The same can be said about me playing baseball when I was a kid. After a while I just gave up, or it started to interfere with other things that were becoming more important. Later in life I tried to become really good at everything I did, so now at the age of 39, I can do just about anything. I have remodeled a kitchen, put down ceramic tile, built a swing-set, built a deck around an above ground pool I put up, built a garage by myself, I built a trailer that dumps, misc woodworking projects. Needless to say, I am pretty handy to have around the house. It all came down to motivation and commitment!

Now today, I sit here in front of this computer, completely and totally committed to ending my addiction to porn and compulsive MB. I am also going to quit rubbernecking and just womanizing in general. The rubbernecking has been a harder task to stop than I originally thought. I sometimes really struggle with it. This past weekend I was at the soccer field watching my youngest girl play soccer. There was a rather busty lady sitting next to me that had on a really low cut top, the fact that she kept bending over while facing me was, at times, hard to ignore. It was by pure concentration, that I was able to keep my eyes on the field the majority of the time and not keep glancing over to see what she was doing. Unfortunately it was a situation that I could not just remove myself from. Space at the edge of the soccer field is limited, and I would have stood the chance of having to sit closer to my ex-wife.

My measurable goal is.

I will move back in with my GF by the end of this year.

Things that I need to do to make that happen


• Quit acting out completely (already been about a month, and I feel great about that)
• Continue improving the control over rubbernecking
• Continue improving on openness and honesty
• Continue improving on doing what makes me happy (think long term)

Hi maninthemaze,



Why do you think you're rubbernecking?



Focus on this, as well as removing obstacles between you and the things that make you happy, and that will take care of the first two points.

Sounds like you are determined and doing well.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha