Recovery Nation

Lesson 1 Background and story

I met my husband 10 years ago. There was a friendship and bond from the beginning. From our first date, we enjoyed each other's company and had found our partner. We had both been married before, me to an alcoholic, him to a cold hearted woman that was not very loving. We each found in the other what we were missing. I found a man that encouraged me to follow my dreams and better myself. I got my college degree at 40 years old and started traveling the world. He found a wife that loved him dearly and wasn't afraid to show it.

On March 28, 2012 my world came crashing down. Even though we had been having sexual problems for about 3 years, I thought that was a normal part of aging and if he would just go to the doctors we would be back to normal. I had no idea that these problems were a result of his sexual addiction and compulsion. I found emails on my facebook account ranting about my husband and telling me how stupid I was. 4 emails that were horrible. It turns out that this woman was his first serious girlfriend that he had 38 years ago. He had contacted her last July and the had an affair in october when he was away on a business trip. He tried to get her to lie for him to protect the life we had. She refused and gave me all the details and sent me all the emails that went between them. He persued this woman with such zeal. Promised her they would be together and told her he entered this with his eyes wide open and understanding that his marriage was over. I was devastated. I left and went to a spa to gather my thought, rest my mind and body and strengthen myself for what was to come. I had no idea how much more was to come! The affair seems like nothing compared to what I found out in the next few weeks.

We started marriage counseling immediately on my return from the spa. He was full of remorse for what he had done and full of love for me. Until Saturday April 14th. We were in new york city to celebrate a new beginning for us and our marriage. He handed me his phone to make reservations for dinner and in his search history were escort services in the city he was traveling to the following week!! He panicked when he saw what came up on his phone and bolted from the building, went back to the hotel, packed his things and left me in new York. I was shocked and scared to death. What was happening to my life!!?? I left new York that night. Tried to contact hin all night. Never heard from him. When i got home, his car was gone. He left me!

I get a call the next day asking me to meet him to talk. He was sobbing. A man that never cries. I went to a local park where he told me he was having issues with porn and masturbation. He had a compulsion he could not stop. He needed help. He was doing it in the early morning before I woke up and was even doing it at work in his office! He told me he ran because he panicked and was so sorry. He told me he spent the night in a hotel because he could not face me or what he had done to me. He was crying all night. I asked to see his phone, it was wiped clean, or so he thought. There were pictures of someone that I believe is him, which he denies, dressed in women's lingerie, fishnets and heels.

He gave me his iPhone and took an old flip phone because he was kicking this cold turkey. The next day I checked phone records to find that he wasn't answering my calls because he was having phone sex all night with a man! In 3 weeks time I found so many lies, he never offered any information, each time he was caught and assured me there was nothing else and each time there was so much more. I know this is the tip of the iceberg. I am in therapy with a CSAT therapist now. We have put marriage counseling on hold and we move forward. I am taking care of me and hope he can honestly open up soon to start his process. Time will tell. For now I am his friend and support him. I hope we can come out of this stronger and still together, but if we don't, I hope we come out of this Healthy.

Hi Ease my Troubles,

Welcome to Recovery Nation. While the reasons that you are here are not anything we'd wish upon anyone, it is none the less a very good thing that you are here. It is so important and good that you are seeking healing for yourself; the workshops are invaluable, as is the community support forum complete with all of our members. You are right that time will tell. You will come out of this stronger, that is a given (that is, relative to the work you do ). Likewise, whether or not he comes out stronger is entirely up to him and the work he does. That said, I wish you well as you navigate your way through this experience.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thank you Coach Mel, everyday is a struggle right now. I think I am between Shock and Grief. The triggers are plentiful and I am still working on seperating and taking care of myself and not trying to "fix" us as a couple. Baby steps. I will be starting group next week and I am looking forward to the support.

As a caretaker, I must learn to take care of myself. I see myself making my mind, body and spirit's health a priority. Once I learn to care and love myself, I see myself stronger and more capable to be a present and open mother and grandmother to my children. I will become more independant and seek out new friendships and support. I will stay on task and not be distracted with scattered thoughts. I will regain my focus and leadership role at work. I see myself traveling the world, I enjoy it and will continue to see new places. I will reconnect with God and my faith and stop making excuses for the self-imposed distance between us. I will be my husband's friend, for now.

Lesson 2 This partner's vision. (sorry for posting this elsewhere, I am a bit lost with how the forums work)

As a caretaker, I must learn to take care of myself. I see myself making my mind, body and spirit's health a priority. Once I learn to care and love myself, I see myself stronger and more capable to be a present and open mother and grandmother to my children. I will become more independant and seek out new friendships and support. I will stay on task and not be distracted with scattered thoughts. I will regain my focus and leadership role at work. I see myself traveling the world, I enjoy it and will continue to see new places. I will reconnect with God and my faith and stop making excuses for the self-imposed distance between us. I will be my husband's friend, for now.

Partner's Path to Recovery

A and B. There have been a few times where my gut told me something was wrong. The first time was before we got married when I was online and my husband's email account was up. There were 2 emails in there from gay men. I confronted him and he told me they were spam. That they had somehow gotten his email address and that is was just porn spam. I "yeah but..."ed him, but he always had an answer and I let my heart win that one. There was another time when I had to find something in his car...In his car was a bag with sex toys and women's clothes, some were my clothes and jewelry and huge women's shoes. When I confronted again...the excuse was that he found them in the basement from his old girlfriend, he thought he had thrown them away and didn't want me to see them. I didn't and don't believe him, but I let my heart/head override that one too. In hindsight, I don't think I could face the reality of my husband being bisexual or a cross dresser, so it was easier to believe his stupid stories.

C. The triggers that will cause conflict for me are, 1) If my husband starts getting up "to work" early in the morning before anyone gets up. This is when he was prowling for porn and masturbating. 2) Traveling for work is a trigger for me because he was on a business trip the first time he had an affair and when he would have phone sex with men. This one is very difficult for me, I know in my head there is nothing I can do to control it, however it scares me that I am still not strong enough to handle anymore bombshells. 3) The trust is destroyed in our marriage. I don't want to be a policeman or spy, but I do need transparency, communication and availability. If I call and can't reach him for hours, that triggers panic in me. The other night, he was back on his smart phone, he had given it up for an old flip phone when his porn addiction was discovered. He was playing Words With Friends with strangers and that triggered a reaction in me. I didn't know he went back to his iPhone and we used to play those games together and he had not even told me he was back online. It upset me that he was hiding it from me and he had no idea that it would impact me at all.

Lesson 4 Life Beyond Addiction and Recovery

1) The qualities I believe will still be present in my husband after recovery are: a) His sense of humor. Even through our current turmoil and chaos, there are moments where we can laugh. It helps so much to relieve some of the stress. b) His independance. I believe that time alone or apart is healthy. My husband has always been a loner, but I believe he will have a better understanding of the difference between being a loner and being independant. c) His love of travel and adventure. We enjoy traveling and experiencing new places together, I don't believe that will change after recovery.

2) The qualities that will continue to pose obstacles: a) His immaturity. He can say inappropriate things and laugh at inappropriate times. It can be very aggravating at times. b) His selfishness. There are many times that he only thinks of himself and doesn't worry about the impact on others. I guess that is one of the reasons we are here, but unless that changes it will pose a problem. c) He never cries. He hasn't cried since his father died when he was 11 years old. Unless he can get in touch with his emotions, I believe this will continue to be an obstacle. c) He must connect with his children. They need him and he must connect as a parent, not a buddy or a pal, but someone they can count on.

Lesson 5 Exercise

A) How do you manage your stress? I am not very good with stress. I internalize everything and end up with problems with my stomach, or bathroom issues. I have learned through meditation to take very deep breaths and focus on my breathing. That has helped to some extent. I don't sleep well because I cannot turn off my thoughts. I have always had an issue with this. I take medication to help me get to sleep and stay asleep.
What would it take to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? My husband was an alcoholic and I was trapped in a marriage where I had no support and was in a situation that I could not leave because I had very small children to take care of.
Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such behavior? Yes, as stated above. I felt trapped and not in control of my life and began to rebel by acting out sexually. That was many years ago and I left the relationship in order to protect myself.

B) Consider the compulsive behavior you engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense of the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words. I became very promiscuous. I had always been the "good girl" and suddenly found myself in the role of temptress. I did not have anxiety, more anticipation and excitement. I felt desirable again after many years of being in a fog and depression over the state of my marriage. I felt that this was a way of rebelling against my marriage and moving forward to becoming more secure in the fact that indeed there were people that would want me and that I was good enough! I don't believe my behavior to be compulsive, I think it was more a behavior that allowed me to take my power back.

Lesson 5

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

My husband is emotionally shut down. He hasn't cried since he was a child. He has a lot of stress at work, I believe that he would drink more than he already does. He would probably be more confrontational than he is...he runs from confrontation now. I think he would probably be an abusive drunk.

Hello Ease My Troubles,

When you wish to add a new response to your healing thread, open your thread and then choose “post reply”. “New topic” will create an entirely new thread.



I think that this is the reason we tend to believe their stories vs what the evidence is actually pointing to--it is just too difficult to process at the time. It isn’t until we are ready to face it that we can separate our what our heart and our head are saying. Hindsight helps too.



Yes, it is upsetting. This is a subtle reflection of the self-centeredness and immediate gratification shared by persons with addiction.

Those qualities that you have described as what you foresee as continued obstacles are the very qualities that go hand in hand with addiction: immaturity, selfishness, emotional disconnect.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thank you Coach Mel. It took me a few tries to realize that I was posting wrong. I appreciate the clean up.

Things have gotten a bit better for me since I started going to SAnon meetings. I am working my way through the anger and trying to "let go" for my own sake. I have started putting my needs first. I am meditating, reading "Faith in the Valley" by Iyanla Vanzant to help regain my peace of mind and I am allowing myself to enjoy life. I was closing myself off to wallow in the betrayal and realized the only one I was hurting was myself.

Baby steps...as long as I am moving forward, no matter how small, it's progress!

Thank you Coach Mel. It took me a few tries to realize that I was posting wrong. I appreciate the clean up.

Things have gotten a bit better for me since I started going to SAnon meetings. I am working my way through the anger and trying to "let go" for my own sake. I have started putting my needs first. I am meditating, reading "Faith in the Valley" by Iyanla Vanzant to help regain my peace of mind and I am allowing myself to enjoy life. I was closing myself off to wallow in the betrayal and realized the only one I was hurting was myself.

Baby steps...as long as I am moving forward, no matter how small, it's progress!