Recovery Nation

Couples Workshop Lesson 3 Exercise: Healing Contract

Value 1: So that I feel safe in disclosure, you don’t use my addiction or recovery against me by suggesting it’s a personal weakness, embarrassing me, or putting my attempts at recovery down.

Value 2: You respect my earnest commitment to honesty by not snooping or spying on any of my behavior, so that even if I struggle or even relapse, I have the opportunity to exercise courage in disclosure.

Value 3: In the name of giving me sufficient opportunities to reconnect my emotions to my values in more healthy ways, I ask that you aim to emotional transparency to the best of your ability, so that through knowing your true emotions, I can better know my own.

So last night, my wife and I committed to the exercise of me caring for her and her submitting to my care. I usually cook dinner, so I cooked, fed her as we watch a TV show, then I applied her wrinkle cream, brushed her teeth and hair, and attempted to read to her, but gave her a foot rub instead.

The book reading was abandoned pretty early in because she asked me why I felt the need to pick out the book. I thought it was an innocent choice, but she pointed out that it was an instance of me anticipating her preference, instead of asking for it. This discussion has been ongoing and, I think productive. We talked today about how presents and surprises occupy a different territory than everyday life in terms of instances in which I try to anticipate her feelings and wants. I know that one of my great challenges is learning to respond to my wife as opposed to my own projections about her. Anyhow, she didn't like the choice of reading I picked out, which in hindsight makes me a little sad, because in my mind I think it was a small surprise that I wanted to give her and it blew up in my face. So I gave her a foot rub instead and we talked.

My other main observations have to do primarily with the meal part of the exercise. I found it so interesting that I really misjudged how much food my wife takes in a forkful, and I had to adjust my technique to get it right. In hindsight I was giving her me sized bites instead of her sized bites. I also had to slow down often in order to let her eat, which I found pretty interesting too. I guess I must either eat really fast, or I am impatient when serving others.

Applying her wrinkle cream felt intimate in a way that I really appreciated though I also applied too much. I know that my disclosure has been really hard on both of us, and while I know that we are both learning about trust, and I am learning about intimacy, I enjoyed the safe opportunity for intimacy.

Brushing her teeth was lots of fun.

In all, I think the exercise got me thinking in more tangible terms about how my wife and I see the world from different perspectives, but learn to build a life together. One tool I learned I can use after last night is gentleness.

Last night, my wife and I completed the workshop exercise about seeing addiction through your partner's eyes. My instructions were to listen as she reviewed the similarities and differences between our situation and that of a business partner who lies to cover up his gambling addiction.

First of all, this is an opportunity for me to recognize how immensely patient, supportive and caring my wife has been since I disclosed the extent of my addiction to her. There has been lots of tears, but zero shaming or condemnation on her part, and this exercise was no different. She has made getting on the path to recovery such a clear choice, because I after understanding the full extent of my addiction, with her support the only resistance I receive is inside myself (totally understandable, of course, but something I must press through).

In light of this exercise, getting to listen to her evaluate our situation in the context of the analogy, I had two observations:

1. Being forced to just listen and not respond (especially not anticipate her emotions as I prepare my response in my head) was really great. It allowed me to reflect so much more on how my wife processes her ideas, as opposed to trying to figure out what she's thinking so I could stay two steps ahead of her. What a relief to see her instead of imagine her.

2. At this point, where I am in recovery and have fully disclosed my wrongs to my wife, I realized that I could listen as an act of love as opposed to an act of shame. For so long, I have turned to open listening when I get in trouble or hurt my wife's feelings, but in listening as shame, I could only listen. I was doing none of the emotional sharing that I think might be part of loving, adult interchange.

So, this is a hard one for me to complete. I am to ask myself, if my wife had done exactly what I had done (masturbate, look at porn daily, lie and cover up my duplicity), what would I need in order to rebuild my trust. I see my wife as having really openly presented herself to me, and I see myself as really failing in this regard. So it's difficult to imagine her failing as deeply as I see myself failing. But here we go.

I think I would need for her to talk to me A LOT. I would need to know the path that lead her to choose to deceive me. I would need for her to explain to me why sex with me wasn't enough. I would need for her to allow me to feel, and act upon those feelings, however I needed to as I was processing it. Whether that meant withdrawing or yelling, I would want the freedom to behave upon my feelings. I would want reassurance.

Knowing what I know now about the roots of my own addiction, I would want to get to the bottom of why she needed to act out. I would want to understand and feel some control over our relationship dynamics.

I would want to reconnect with the person I fell in love with. I would want to know how we could be whole together. I would want to be mad about not knowing how to do that.