Recovery Nation

one area worth mentioning that hindered my own recovery is that of online dating. For a shy person with low self esteem online dating was a dream playground for my love addiction to flourish. It not only allowed me to project perfection onto whoever I found attractive but also allowed me to create a chameleon like ideal version of myself that was both interested and interesting to women (or what I thought was - no doubt based on romantic movies, books etc). At the time I thought I was just expressing my romantic, thoughtful, creative side – my extra special and sincere self. The reality was that it took a crazy amount of time and effort to be so wonderful - while my real motivation was all about me anyway - I was desperately chasing acceptance from the attractive women I was too scared to talk to in real life and I’d do whatever it took to get it.

Whenever a real relationship ensued and reality inevitably caught up with the fantasy it wouldn’t be long before I was overwhelmed with the stress of struggling to keep up my own perfect persona while being confronted with the inevitable flaws in my ‘ideal woman’ who I now felt trapped in a relationship with. For a love addict it’s all about the chase. If they make the catch it won’t be long before it’s all about the escape. So they can start another chase… because they're chasing a love they can only get from within but are convinced lies elsewhere.

Even after leaving dating sites behind I still found new and novel ways to impress and obsess about women that fuelled my love addiction. Online dating isn’t the enemy – it’s what goes on in our heads that defines what’s healthy and what’s not appropriate.

Theoretically, of course the internet is a place to meet interesting people that you could not have met elsewhere. A $8,000,000,000 a year industry can't be wrong...but the inherent difficulties that come from searching for a long-term, romantic relationship online far outweigh the very slim possibility of actually meeting someone who can fulfill that. What ends up happening is that the relationships are frequently intense, passionate, open and "honest"...but they rarely develop into the long-term, romantic relationship that was being sought. They meet the short term goals of meeting someone interesting, but never seem to fulfill the long-term goals of sharing a true partnership. Yes, there are exceptions...but they are indeed rare exceptions, certainly not the rule. Regarding the comment, "you have the opportunity to be attracted to someone's mind"...if I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd fly out to each of your houses and assist you with the workshop in person! Again, in theory, that is true...you take away the potential physical boundaries that exist and can focus on a person's mind or "soul". Reality, however, dictates that each of you will begin fantasizing about the appearance and traits of one another, and will create an image that leans more towards perfection...an image that, when it comes time for making the transition from the mind to the whole person...cannot be matched. And so disappointment and disillusionment set in. No matter how shallow it may sound, physical attractiveness is important in a long-term relationship. You want to be physically attracted to your partner, and you want your partner to be physically attracted to you. Is it possible that a relationship can survive without this attraction? Rarely, yes. But it requires TWO people who honestly do not value physical appearance...which in our society is rare. But yes, it is possible. The much more healthy road for establishing a relationship is to spend all the time spent online searching for a long-term partner, and invest it in yourself. Improving the things that make you, you. Expand your hobbies, improve your health, fight for something you believe in...that is a surer way of sharing "who you are" with others rather than from the safety of a computer screen.

And to be clear, I have made many friends online and keep in touch with them frequently...the internet is a great way to learn and experience others that I would never have had the pleasure of experiencing otherwise--and my life is better for it. For affairs? For short-term, intensely emotional relationships? For affording you the ability to share yourself freely? Absolutely...the Internet is great for that as well. But in terms of searching for long-term romantic relationships...it typically doesn't work. Show me 1,000 relationships that start out with online emotional intensity, and I will show you "0" that make the transition to the type of daily, in-person partnerships that are being sought (by at least one of them). Show me 10,000 relationships and I can probably show you two or three that work. The odds are just not worth the effort. Now, show me 1,000 relationships that start out with face-to-face emotional intensity, and I can show you at least 100 that end in a long-term, committed relationship. It's just the way that it is...and why online dating services make so much money from the same group of people. They get them addicted to the "high" of searching...real similar to gambling...except that the jackpot is finding someone "special".

Now, as for finding a good man that shares your thoughts, dreams, etc....start by having a clear understanding of what kind of a man you are looking for--what qualities are most important to you. Once you have this, then the process of finding a man that matches at least the most important values can begin. And your list of values should help point you in the direction of where to begin that search.