Recovery Nation

Hi,

I am checking in yet again!

I am posting because I wanted to say how the last few months have been with regard to my ex-man. Around Xmas, I affirmed again to him that I could not try for a partnership. After that, he made a conscious effort not to contact me at all (his choice though I didn't know he was going to do that). Then, a sad passing happened and I went into carer mode and, as his friend, was there for him during his loss. It gave him hope but I didn't see it. I was able to give support and friendship because I didn't feel the pressure that I may be drawn back into a relationship where porn was going to forever be lurking ... even if only in my head. I'd buried that idea ages ago and affirmed it for good just before Xmas.

Since his loss, I have been seeing my ex-man as a special freind (friend with all the fragments of the past that are still good like greeting with kiss on lips and hug ... not sensual though!, etc). He thought this meant we were getting along great and perhaps going towards partners again. I told him a couple of weeks back that this wasn't the case, I couldn't go back. I went through the whole story again and he was tearful but not in floods of tears as at Xmas. It was tough to reaffirm it again (its been tough everytime I've had to do this).

Since then, I've had a few texts asking me to be sure that there is no way to agree a compromise to our relationship that means we could seriously move towards being partners again. I felt placed again in the situation where I have say the story once more ... again, its tough. I did think about the compromise idea but the things that would need to be sacrificed for me to be happy would leave us as close companions and not partners. I know that for me to be a partner to anyone, I must be able to share with them the deep intimacy at all the most personal emotional and physical levels that set partnership aside of friendship. With my ex-man, I feel unable to do that. Since he won't settle for our friendship, it seems that we will now have to go into our futures without each other.

Now the 'rain' has cleared on the past and I am outside of it looking in, I realise now that he has always believed and been true in his words that he wouldn't do the porn again each time after I'd found him out (even when he felt inside it might creep back in time). However, I still think that at times of stress, his body craves the fix it gets from the porn world and over-rides any abilities he has developed and uses to control it under normal circs. So, the upshot is that I trust him but I don't trust the addiction he's gripped by. And I don't feel sorry for him either over this because he had choices of how to deal with his life issues and he chose the porn and abusing me with that and also abusing the social aspects of my life by often being passive aggressive over me going out and enjoying myself when he felt unable to come with me because of his social phobia. I never knew his issues or about his socialising issues until it was all too late. Had he communicated with me, things may have been much, much different. I pointed out many, many times where his behaviours were leading us to. Seems now that I did that all in vane

Anyway, today, in that he won't answer my phonecalls, I have text him my answer in brief saying that I can't see any compromise without making sacrifices that will render us both unable to be proper partners to each other. And to be honest, we both deserve to have proper partner relationships from our futures and should not settle for anything less - I won't do that anymore .

He did text me before I said anything, that if my answer was that there is no way to go back to partners, he doesn't want a friendship and I can get my stuff next weekend. I am not in a great position to barter on sorting things out but I won't be taken for a ride either. I have things to do next Sunday so not certain I will bend to his plan! But I do want my stuff so might have to sacrifice my arrangements to ensure I get it. He may want to control this situation and that's ok with me as long as I get what is fair and is mine at the end of it ... my gut feel is that I won't ... BUT ... the other side of this is that I keep my wellbeing, my health and my sanity I'd rather have these and lose all my stuff that go for the reverse!

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Its a horrid journey and even when I think its over, it isn't! I am in a more practical place with it now though I expect the next few months may be bumpy as we work out what we believe should be done with our things. Not looking forward to it and feel a bit down about it but ... at least I am not suffering the impacts of his porn addiction and unhealthy behaviours and attitudes towards me anymore. That's worth its weight in gold ... to be free from it

If you still are suffering, keep believing that the answer will come in the end - which ever form it comes in. It will come.

Take care and if you have anything to say in relation to my (final?) plight, I'd really be pleased to receive and read it.

Love,
Authona x

Hmm. Control does seem to be the right word. Big indicator in itself. Can you make a list of what you want and ask a friend to pick it up for you? I once hired someone when I needed to get what was mine from my family home when my first H and I divorced. He didn't like it, but I felt that I didn't want to sacrifice my health or my time to his will either. In the end, he did sell family heirlooms that were too large to be moved at the time which only served to validate my decision. Funny how that works.

Nellie

Hi NJ,

Thanks for posting back. Umm, I don't know that I have time to organise or hire someone to get stuff. I don't even know how I'm going to find somewhere to store everything in time as I am still living at my Dad's. So much other personal stuff has happened over the last 18 months that I have hardly had time to deal with anything in my own life until now. I am looking to start house hunting and stuff but not got there yet and now I have this to sort ... which is good but the way he's being isn't making it easy so far! I have e-mailed him to ask to meet and talk through the arrangements and how we divide stuff but so far, zero response although I did only send it yesterday so have to give him time. I will stick to what I said I would do and that is to go over there and sort out my stuff, take what really don't want to lose and I guess that's all I can manage next weekend. I think he's asking too much of me at too short notice and I am also not prepared to be told what to do to suit his needs! Can you feel the anger in my tone ... I can ... I appreciate him giving me a window but I don't feel he's being reasonable by not talking through when that should be and how we should handle all this. Its like he's shirking all responsibility for sorting everything. He should arrange timing and the way to do this with me so that we are both able to meet each others needs and do things properly without any more stress than this will create.

Your idea is a good one though so I will stick it in the kit bag of ideas that I am forming to give me options on my way forward with this.

I am beginning to feel all the stomach churning from not knowing where I stand and not being able get hold of him to talk to . It reminds me of how I always felt about the porn findings ... not knowing how the next confrontation would be and how difficult it always was when he couldn't talk to me. This is the same. He is hurting and I feel for him and know that he isn't talking to me because he is shutting me out to stop the pain ... at least, that's my assumption.

Thanks again NJ. Its still tough with the behaviours I am facing.

Authona x

I understand completely. Making action plans and a mini vision will help. Get help, though. Don't do this by yourself. Someone to be there with you even it's just for moral support. An extra set of eyes, ears, and hands. He may not like it, but that's OK. I had a very good older friend who helped me through my first divorce and situations like this. She was a life saver.

Nellie

Hi NJ,

I am not having a great time with the man over leaving. I thought he'd changed but seems he hasn't ... not really. He can't have me back, I've made it crystal clear and he's 'thrown out his dummy' and is acting childish. He won't meet me or speak to me so all is done by e-mail. I did go over and took most of my stuff albeit what I couldn't carry myself. I had a friend help me though sorted most of it myself and alone (he wasn't there). I did find evidence of another woman which indicates he's been trying to get me back and now I'm not going to go, he's going to plough his efforts into this other woman but he wanted me to know about her. Ummm.

I wonder if they ever fundamentally change if they don't address their addiction. He says he's changed but he still does the cycle of being lovely if he's getting all he wants and being cold and uncommunicative if he isn't. I was doubting my choice to go for good until I see the same old behaviour again.

I am sad and almost finding myself grieving more deeply than ever ... guess they always say it gets darkest just before it gets light.

I think he is going to fleece me for all we built together. House in his name and on market so, as we weren't married, I get none of that unless I take him through expensive court preceedings (looking into that). As for stuff that we have bought between us, he's given me another weekend to go and sort that but I don't trust him. He said everything I'd left would be binned and I don't know if that includes all our stuff. All very confusing. Its not pleasant and I am left thinking that he still resents me and finds my approach to his porn addiction overhyped. He says he's changed and its gone but I just don't see him having become more mature in his behaviours to big life events and the way he's acting now just supports my opinion.

I think once I get straight, I may well do the lessons so that I pick up on anything I've missed with my counselling sessions. I think I'm pretty well balance now but I do worry about my need to feel love and be loved and cared for. I don't want to fall into another relationship that turns out to hold the same features as the one I've just left behind for good. Don't know if the lessons can help post decision ... ?

Feel really vulnerable.
Ax

Hi Centered,
I remember a similar situation when I left my first H - think I told you about that. Resentment plays in big time, from my perspective. Also, lack of clarity so you are not clear about who gets what. Trust your gut on this. Get help and go in and take what you think you have a right to. You may not have time to make an equitable accounting of joint property. Do that later. Getting legal advice is very wise. How long were you together? That could figure in big time but you don't want to share his debt, too, if that enters into the picture. My niece, though she married the guy after four years of being together, is facing a similar situation. Her name is on nothing even though she helped run his business without pay. Legal advice is key.

Be exra kind to yourself while you are going through this. Make a mini vision with action plans to help you cope in healthy ways. Don't let him push your buttons so plan for that in particular. Think in terms of values and boundaries for yourself as well as him. It helps us to make heatlhy choices rather than emotional ones. Make a list of what you can do to keep yourself centered, l didn't intend to say that - just came out that way. You know what I mean. Stay balanced and true to yourself based on your values.

Wishing you well and hope you come back to RN to the workshop family.

Nellie

Dear Centered –

We have had very similar experiences. I too wished to remain friends with my ex and it seemed like it was going well for a few months. But, like yourself, every time there would be any closeness between us, he wanted more and to rekindle what we had and I had to, once again, reiterate that I did not want anything other than friendship. This happened many times.

During this time I was working on the partner’s lessons with earnest, and I had also hired an RN coach. The more I learned about myself, my values and what I wanted for my life, the easier it was to “know” (as you had said) that I had made the right decision. Looking back, I realize that he was hanging on the whole time thinking that if he waited long enough, he would be able to convince to be get back together. Eventually he grew tired of just being friends, as he did not have the control over me that he needed. That is when he too, discontinued communication with me, except for emails. It was a very tough time and I did grieve for a few months. I understand how you are feeling.

But, what got me to the other side was when I stopped communicating with him completely. He had a new gf and he was still emailing me and I would always reply. One day I just decided that I had had enough and I said good-bye. I’m sure you understand how hard that was to do, but that was what finally set me free. It has been many months now and I am done grieving and it feels Oh so good!

This statement jumped out at me, as I used to feel this way as well. I feel that this is one area that the partner’s workshop will help you with. Through the lessons and the personal coaching, I learned that no one gives me worth except for me. I don’t need to feel loved or be loved or be cared for anymore, because I love myself and I take care of myself too.

There is another wonderful thread on the forum that talks about getting to the point where you can “trust yourself” enough that you know that you will be ok if something like this were to happen again.
Doing the partner’s workshop would only serve to strengthen your values and the balance you are already experiencing. It is life changing - do it for yourself!

I know that you still have to communicate with your ex because you have a house to divide. I hope that you can get this done quickly so that you are able to begin your new life and your healing!

Grieving takes time and is very necessary for you healing. Please take very good care of yourself and try to spend time with good friends and doing things you love - things that bring you Joy.

Sending you hugs –
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

re: "Anyway, that's where I'm at. Its a horrid journey and even when I think its over, it isn't!"

While I am sorry it’s not over, I think you should consider that the reason that it isn’t over is because you chose to put yourself back there. Even though it was “as a friend” it was still a choice, and there were known risks involved.

That said, I am glad you have the fortitude to hold your ground and not cave into reconciliation.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

ifmt - thanks for your post ... I've pm'd you.

NJ, Thanks for your post too. I'm trying to take care of me and to have a vision, action plan and few stepping stones of fun. I have been out for a long tough walk today (well walked 8 miles up a mountain almost 3000ft high). I went with a friend who is wonderful support to me at the moment:g: Yesterday was a bad day ... low mood and grief and wondering why I have to be made to suffer by my man now that I have said 'we're over completely'. He can't respect my choice to stay away and I am sure he struggles with the truth but today, that's not my issue. Yes, I feel for him but I will not suffer his problem any more ... smile I can't - I believe it would destroy me and besides, I don't have to suffer it if I choose not to! I've made my choice and I am looking after my life now (as have been for past two years since I moved out of the house!).

I'm looking into legal advice from a solicitors that I made preliminary enquiries with a few months back. Hopefully, they will advise me whether I have a case that's cost effective to take forward or not.

Its a tough road to have walked and come out with so, so little although in truth, I have gained a lot in some ways because I have a massive appreciation for the value of health, sanity and wellbeing both emotionally and mentally. I have also had interactions with a few other men (adult experiences, mature attitudes, etc ... heaven!). I have also stopped counselling sessions for the most part and don't run to holistic therapy for destressing out which is good. I still use these tools but for discreet issues now, not the chronic one I lived with for so, so long. And I am grounded with a vision for my future this year and, a longer term one too

Thanks for walking a little with me NJ. You keep walking too. We all take a different path don't we

Coach Mel, thanks for your post. You are so right in pointing out the stark truth (hurts to read it but it is the truth and you are OK to post it - congruence is a great help sometimes). I'm angry for allowing myself to stay connected with the world I distanced myself from when I moved out in Feb 2010 but I hoped he would change for himself - I knew I was never going back as a couple. I tried to be there for him I guess and to help him rescue himself but I'm the wrong person for that. Hopefully, once we are split, he will do that for himself and be healthier in the future. That's all I can wish for him. It is very sad when the addiction cannot be eradicated from the man because often, the man is potentially the wonderful partner we related to at the beginning. Unfortunately, bad choice to use porn to escape/deal with feelings over inadequacies ruin that and only the man can sort that out.

Take care all of you. I'll keep moving and do the workshop in time when I am emotionally in a better place to take it on (I know it will make me relive my past and that won't help me keep my resolve now if I start it now).

Will stick around,
Authona xxx