Recovery Nation

Hello all at RN,
I am a young strong woman, mother of one 4 year old chap and 6 months pregnant.
I am here because I share a similar sad story as all of you.
My discovery was slow. At first it was 'just' an innocuos fetish (I was fine with it); then it was 'just' porn (didn't have much problem with it either, just thought it shouldn't be so secret); then it was the masturbating at the office toilet(thought it was highly unprofessional); then it was the discovery of interactions on camcord sites (did not like it); then I came across a whole secret profile on facebook connected with his fetish (thought keeping this secret from me was fishy and was an act of misstrust); I started investigating further and discovered many things that left me in disbelieve.
Planning, plotting, scheming encounters with SM mistresses during travels. Messages to complete strangers, skype contacts and lot more. Nothing was giving me yet the proof of any real encounter. I believed the version of it's 'just' all virtual. I guess I was in denaial. Nevertheless I told him he needed professional help. Problem was there was no professional help around in the country we were living. I can see now he was still in denaial. During this period we went through a lot of talking, a lot of communicating, a lot of explanations, a lot of analysing... sex, intimacy and the whole relationship felt like was benefitting from a whole new positive air of reconstruction and refound bonding. We move country (change of Job), new life, new beginnings, all is exciting... I am pregnant again.
Six months down the line from the last discovery i feel something is not quite right. He came back from a 10 day business trip quite different, a bit indifferent and distant. I asked him couple of times if he had anything to tell me, if he did some funny thing during his trip, of course he denide. I didn't buy it and started scanning through his smart phone. Found evidence of sms to a professional sex worker. This time he admitted to have met a shemale prostitute... but it was the first time that he had gone with someone since he met me!.... bla bla bla... the usual. I still wanted to believe him, but maybe I didn't. I flush on him all my anger, all my disgust, disappointment, disbeieve. He gives me the story of 'I just want to kill myself' (in tears)... my answer was 'that's just so selfish! would you leave your children without any support? Too easy' (he quit that path immediatly). I tell him he has to find professional help. He agrees without esitation.
My emotional shock starts there! Two months ago... I'm 4 months pregnant with my second child and it should be the happiest time of my life and instead there I am: destroyed, emotionally in pieces, crying, sobbing, wheeping, hurting; hurting so badly I don't remember anything ever this painful.

I don't need to explain. Trying to keep a serene face for my little boy was very hard. After a couple of days I was still crying and hurting... in this new country I had no friends to relay on I had not a friend to support me, to confide in. I was all alone. I seeked help, information, support. I found an online counselor that helped me ( I decided that the same amount of money he spent on the prostitute should get back to me, and decided to spend it on counselling).
It was a great venting tool, like righting in your diary and the diary actually answered!
I guess I never got the extent of his addiction before. The more I read and understood about it, just didn't make sense that all of a sudden he went with a prostitute. After not even a month I just knew there was more. He began in his twenties to make use of prostitutes and never really stopped (maybe slowed down) throughout all our relationship he kept going with prostitutes, was less in the beginning, got worse during the first 2 years of our little boy (maybe once a month or every 2 months). Even after all the discoveries and trying to rebuild what we had (what I thought we had). Should have come as no surprise!
That was the second shock! A bigger blast! If I could have worked through 1 phisical event...there was no comparison to this. I had no idea to the extent of my husbands addiction, possibly didn't want to or couldn't see it. The emotion involved in this discovery are unexplainable. But here there is no need to explain!
I'm still pregnant and the hormones involved take a big role in this situation.
After reading an article about high stressfull emotion on the fetus I decided I HAD to get a grip, a very solid one for the good of my little unborn boy. So I did, it's not easy, sadness invades the thoughts, the mind wonders.
I've decided I'm not in a state to take any decision at the moment. I've decided this for my childrens good and for my own good. I realize I do have options and I can take them when the moment comes. I need to be strong for my children.
I think this workshop will help me further.

Dearest AngelaAngela –

Welcome to RN. I am glad that you have found us, but I am also so sorry you have to be here. Know that you are in a safe place to express, learn, question and to ultimately heal.

You are so right and your unborn child needs you right now, as does your other child as well. Do whatever you can to remain calm physically and also emotionally. Remembering that his addiction has nothing to do with you AT ALL is a very good place to start. Yes, the pain can feel like it is unbearable, but you can and will heal.

The workshop is self-paced, so what you put into it is what you will ultimately get back. Coaches and/or mentors will check in from time to time to offer insight, if they feel it is necessary, but the real work must come from you.

Please take time for yourself every day. Find something that brings you joy and that will take your mind off of your H and his addiction. Remember, he will either do the work to recovery, or he won’t – you have no control over this. You do have control over you though – make your healing your priority.

Sending you hugs today –
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Me and vision of me:

I am a creative being; a strong woman.
I am a role model for my children.
I see myself beeing the best mother I can, giving my boys all the tools for emotional growth, self confidence and joy of living.
I see myself aware of my sorraundings and of myself.
I embrace activities that bring me joy, growth on a spiritual and mental level. I see myself embracing my creativity again; step by step.
I see myself taking some time off every week just for myself.
I see myself starting an activity from the things I love to do (artisan work....)
I see myself beeing that active little pixie I once was, but without the obstacles, without the economical insecurities, without the procrastination.

Life gave me many things:
It gave me experience,
It gave me some knowledge,
It gave me art and music to appreciate
It gave me the amazing gift of being a mother
It gave me the capacity of loving life and loving myself, which goes behond what anyone can take away from me.
It gave me strength and a personal outlook on things.
Life gives us challenges to deal with and sometimes it gives us loads of shit.
So I consider this, one of those times. Usually these times can be taken as moments of personal and spiritual growth, and that is exactly how I intend to consider it.

I am expanding my brain, the way I perceive my surroundings, the way I perceive people and their words through meditation and inner exploration.
Freedom, creativity, art, integrity, inner peace, enthusiasm are some of the values I have.
Indipendance and having an open, non judgmental mind is what I'm trying to find (I thought it was part of me, but I might have lost it on the way).
I try to practice patience with my children, and while driving  (which is a bit harder) but slowly getting there.

Thank you itfm for a worm welcome and your words of encouragement.

AA

Exercise 3
A. First time I had that gut feeling we were not even married. He was in another country for work, it was the first time we were separated for some months. We would communicate via Internet. He started becoming distant and annoyed from me "always" wanting a connection with him. That did not sound fair.
When I called him for new year he didn't answer at first. When he did he gave me this pathetic story that he was so drunk that he left the keys in his car and the phone and had to sleep over at some girls house. At the time he omitted to tell me that he had sex with her.
My gut feeling was telling me the right thing, I got detached and was ready to be and feel free from this relationship. I even had an amazing love story with a much younger guy, but decided he had to have so many more experiences instead of being with me. I think it was the right choice, but I regret it often. I let my brain choose instead of my heart.
After taking that decision my head decided I was being a paranoid jealous girl, that a guy like him would never be able to bluntly cheat on anyone and for once in my life I should just trust that not all men are jerks and that there are guys that are different. So I gave us an opportunity and joined him to the far off land where he was working. So I was right, he was different, just in a much worse way than any other man I had met in my life.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

It is strange though that in all these years I have never ever doubted his word, and have never doubted that he could ever be able to physically cheat on me with another person. 
The only time my gut feeling told me something was wrong was 3 months ago. 
I surched until I found some evidence. He confirmed he went with a tv prostitute during his business trip. He swore on the life of our child that was the one and only time he went with someone in the whole time we have  been together.
I took it a it came, but my gut feeling still wasn't satisfied. I kept searching. 
But had him spit it out and he disclosed about the one other time before we got married. The time he was so drunk that had to sleep at some girls house.
Gut feeling wanted all and kept asking until 10 minutes later he confessed to having seen prostitutes for on and off for the whole duration of our marriage. Maybe once or every two months.
My gut feeling still tells me there is much more, but have no proof whatsoever. 
Maybe my gut is just protecting me from any further surprise.
Anyway what is the difference now if was 60 prostitutes or 600?


C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

The only existence of this man triggers conflict between my gut and my reality.
I still feel very confused in this moment. Everything he tells me, everything he talks about (generally very general talking), all the time he spends playing, reading, consulting his iPhone are all behaviors that trigger conflict within me. It's all distance that he puts between us. Frankly speaking I'm not too sure I would prefer more intimacy and straight talk right now. I feel as I would need even more distance and space right now.
I feel as if I have 2 gut feelings within me: one is telling me he is just playing himself and me all over again, the other one is telling me he is trying his best and seems more talkative and less defensive.

I think I need some help or some time on his matter.

AA

 

No so strange. A bit naive, perhaps, but not unusual or uncommon. The thing is--you trusted him, which is healthy, under normal circumstances.



Aside of the fact that you are okay with the distance between you at this time (which is understandable), I think what you are asking is regarding clarity in interpreting his behaviours?

That he is preoccupied with “healthy” stimuli does not mean it is healthy behaviour. It is very possible that he is avoiding (you, life in general, dealing with himself etc.). That is the major problem from a recovery standpoint. And, from a relational standpoint--you are correct that these activities put distance between you, which is not healthy for any relationship (if it is a constant thing).
Avoiding can mean that he is actively choosing to be in denial, which will eventually lead to relapse (unless he somehow becomes committed of his own accord). Avoiding could also mean that he is actively deceiving you--by keeping a distance he could be trying to hope you don’t notice what he is up to. Either way, only he knows. There is a lesson down the road, however, that has you look at what kind/stage of recovery he is in. Unless you feel you need the answers now, I would give yourself a bit of time and space to do your work, gain stability. That way, when you do make choices for your life, they will be based on your vision and values, not emotions.

I hope this helps bring some clarity to your question.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thank you CoachMel,

Maybe I was looking for a bit of clarity in interpreting his behavior... But I 'm keeping away from interpretations for a little while.
The H is going for counseling with a therapist and seems to be in a better place. Good for him!

It seems though, even if he is taking steps for his recovery, I find myself still digesting the past. In this moment all the respect I had for the man I thought I new, is gone!!
He was the one lecturing balance, good behavior, honesty....haha!
I find myself being the mature one... I find so much respect for myself right now, knowing that actually my integrity is been quite untouched, that my boundaries have not been disintegrated, my sexuality is still at the same point (if not better) than before my H. that my self esteem is grown in the years because I've grown as a person and as a nurturing figure for my child.
Now any suggestion on how to approach our child (for example a simple tantrum and what to do) cannot be taken seriously knowing they come from such an unbalanced individual with such a screwed up morality.
I can affirm I do not respect this person. And I ask myself why should I even try to interpret him and his behavior and why should I rely on my gut feeling... I need open communication, I don't want to keep guessing if my gut is right or not.
This is me expressing my emotions! Of course I do know why I need to learn how to interpret his behavior and how to trust my gut. I'm just considering if all this is worth or not.

I'm trying to gain clarity on myself, my feelings, my emotions... Going through an internal battle and hope time will give me answers.

Thank you for an opportunity to reflect. I will be reading your words again when next trying to interpret situations.

AA

Stage 1 ex. 4

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

Good father, provider, honest, active, sporty, sensitive, interested and interesting, kind, caring, serious, professional, high work ethics standards, sociable, creative, hard working, responsible and accountable.

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

Self centered, touchy, always busy and fidgety