Recovery Nation

Ok, exercise 1, here goes.

A. Because the discovery of your partner's addiction will no doubt reflect many commonalities with others, it is at the same time uniquely devastating to you. Take some time to share your background in relation to the discovery of your partner's sexual and/or romantic compulsions/addiction. Share an unadulterated version of your partner's addiction with someone you trust; or, anonymously in this forum.

My SO and I started dating 2 years ago. There was an instant connection and although I didn't want to date him at first (we worked together and I thought it might be hard) I really enjoyed our first date and decided to go for it. We had what seemed like the perfect relationship to me. We rarely argued and when we did, it was respectful and more a disagreement than an argument. We had a few issues that we regularly discussed to try to make sure that both our needs were getting met. In January, we got engaged. I was so excited as we started to plan our wedding, a small affair with just our parents and siblings at a small mountain house.

Throughout the 2 years, there were a few things that came up that I didn't like. He had a friendship with a girl that I was jealous of. I thought that my jealousy stemmed from when I was in high school and my boyfriend cheated on me, it has made me wary ever since. From what I know, nothing ever happened with this particular girl, but the closeness of the friendship still makes me uncomfortable. (since the discovery of the addition, he has told this woman he can no longer be friends, but we will get to that later.) There was one time I was out of town and when I got back I saw that OK-Cupid was in the browsing history, so I logged in with what I knew to be my SO's typical username/password to most sites. I was shocked to see that it worked and there was a message in there. I asked him about it and he got embarrassed. He told me he was wondering if his ex was on there and so made a profile. The girl he wrote to he said he just wanted to see if someone would flirt with him, it was all innocent, but I really was upset. He seemed to feel really bad about it, promised it was nothing, and so in the end, I dropped it. One day he got a text from an ex that was suggestive, something along the lines of "I miss you" and I didn't like it. He said he wrote back that he was in a relationship now and that was not appropriate, but he deleted the texts, so I never got to verify that, and it made me question what he actually told her.

3 weeks ago, I found a picture that he sent from his phone to another email account he has. He was naked. I asked about it, and he told me that he was planning to send it to me, and then got embarrassed. I said ok, but I wanted to see the other account to verify this. He got very defensive at this point and said I couldn't, that he needed to have his privacy, that he didn't like that I had looked at his phone to begin with and that I needed to trust him. When it became clear that I was not going to drop this, he lied and told me that there was stuff from his last relationship, that he had cheated on her and he didn't want me to know about it, he was sorry he had kept that from me. I didn't believe him, I still asked to see it, and eventually, he told me that what I saw in there would make me leave him. He explained that he had met someone on craigslist, that he had gone and had oral sex with this man. He also had an email that he had tried to facilitate a threesome with 2 women through craigslist. He said these were two things he wanted to do before we were married because he had wanted to try them. He was crying and apologizing, but I just felt numb.

At this point I left, I had to get out of the house and clear my head. When I returned, he told me about more. He told me he had looked on craigslist for anonymous sex about once a month since before we were dating. That he looked at porn daily and that it led to an escalation of his habit in seeking out sex. He promised that he had only met that one man, that he was telling me everything. I didn't know what to do, I was in shock and I was so hurt.

While trying to decide how I would react to this, I spent a few days thinking things over. He had taken the initiative to seek counseling, had given me all his passwords and control over his email, I thought that I could move forward from here. A few days later, a new email showed up in the inbox of this email account, asking "Is this the Erin you are looking for?" When I asked him about it, he told me that he had posted an ad on Craigslist looking to see if he could hook up with a girl from his past. I was furious, he had promised me that he was telling me everything, and then more came out. He had tried to contact both this girl and another one, he had had anonymous sex with a different man before we were dating, he had cheated on his ex with a few different people...

At that point I told him to move out, that this was over. I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like the only thing that I know about this man is that he is really good at lying, and knowing that means that everything else is a question mark. We have talked, he clearly wants to reconcile, he has begun both individual therapy and a 12 step program. He is answering all my questions, not being defensive, and in short, doing everything he can, and I do believe that he does not WANT to continue in this addiction. I just don't know if that matters. I know that I am worth more that this, that I deserve to be in a relationship where cheating is not a question, where I don't worry about being gone for an hour because he might spend that hour with someone else, with someone who won't use my past insecurities to take advantage of me. I don't know if I love him anymore, how can I love someone who would do this? How could I ever marry him in the future, commit to spending my life with someone who can so easily betray me? I am having trouble remembering the good things, because every time I do I question it, I question if that was real, or if he was thinking about something else.

I am scared to be alone, scared to face my life without him, but I am just as scared if not more to be with him. Some days I think we will get through this, that it will be ok, but when I step back and really look at it, how will it ever be ok? I will always know that he is capable of this. And that is where I am at now. Trying to decide how to move forward with my life, and feeling like every decision I make is going to be painful and hard.

Hello LittleR,

I am sorry for the circumstances that have led to your seeking. That said, it is good that your seeking has led you here, as here is a very good place to be, given the circumstances. The discovery of addiction is disorienting at best and you summed up a partner’s experience quite well when you said: One thing that you will want to know is that, given this has just come into the light, the road ahead is long. There is a lot of work for him to do, if he is going to transition away from addiction. His sincerity in wanting to free himself from his addiction is not the issue, but his commitment and proactivity around actually doing the work that is the difference between those who overcome, and those who succumb.

Completing the workshop lessons will help you make those choices for your life. I realize that in the beginning of this journey, there is often a sense of urgency, and you may feel like you are on a roller-coaster, but it is best to not rush healing as it is a process. Be patient with yourself.

Welcome to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Exercise 2- my vision.

I am a strong, independent, and self-assured person. I love my family, my friends, and my partner genuinely because it is coming from a security in myself, that I can give myself to those in my life because I am secure with who I am. I have trust in those around me and I am honest and genuine in all my interactions, both with others and myself. I will allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, and I will acknowledge those feelings instead of pushing them aside so that I can work through those feelings and accept them. I understand that there is no one who is perfect and I accept the shortcomings in myself while working to better anything that I deem unhealthy in my life.

Edit: I read through more visions on other threads and got a sense that it was good to include not just values that relate to how I feel about my failed relationship, but life in general, so I am adding the following.

I am a valuable employee who is thoughtful and thorough in my work. I am someone who many people want to work with for both my cooperative nature but also because I am a good designer and reliable coworker.

I spend my time doing things that are enjoyable to me and make me feel like my life is full and happy. I volunteer with various organizations, I am active and social, I am independent and spontaneous. I am someone who people meet and remember because I have a happy disposition and am a fun person to be with.

I am reflective and at peace with myself and the decisions I have made in my life. I am able to spend a night alone without feeling lonely.

Exercise 3- gut reactions


Times I don't follow my gut instinct and should have...

1. I find a chat claiming where a friend mentions "we were all worried about you and Erin" which is dismissed as referring to a time before we were together which makes no sense, but I allow the explanation.

2. Find a nude photo of his phone of him, which he says he was planning to send to me and didn't, I don't feel comfortable with this explanation, but I accept it.

3. He receives a text from an ex that is romantic in nature, he says he responded that He was in a relationship but deleted the thread so I could not see it, I wonder if that's what happened. I ask more questions about this person and am not satisfied with the answers.

4. I return from a trip to see he has started an ok Cupid account and emailed someone. He says he was looking up an ex to see if she was there and wanted the ego boost of someone flirting with him, we have a large argument about this he seems remorseful, so I drop it.

5.  I know he is continuing a friendship and downplaying the emotional connection to it, we have many many arguments about it, but I can't pinpoint anything that is specifically wrong with it, so am told that my gut reaction to it is wrong.

6.  I find a second nude photo of him on his phone. This time I do not drop my gut instint, I insist on seeing the email account he used, this is when the SA comes to light.

Tims I don't follow my gut instinct and still don't know if I should have...

1. Was he really going to the gym when he said he was? I wanted to follow him and find out.

2. I came home and saw my hair dryer put away in a way that I do not store it. I don't know who used it.

3. He talked about his friend who was gay and had been with married men. I always wondered if my SO was one of them.

4. Did he meet people when he said he was on bike rides? Often, his phone GPS was not working and I wondered if her turned it off so that he could meet someone.

Things that will Trigger a conflict with my gut instict in the future...

1. When I ask a question and am met with stiffness and hostility.

2. When things are removed or deleted from emails or phones so that I can no longer have them to question.

3. When actual time frames do not match up with what the claimed activity was.

Exercise 4- Values

Note, my ex and I have separated and I do not see that changing, so I don't know if all of the exercises in the next few sections apply. However, I do want to better understand what has happened and be able to leave this relationship in peace instead of anger, so I may work through them as I deem warranted.

Values I believe will survive the addiction:
- ability to see humor in many situations
- ability to easily compliment others
- love of knowledge and listening to those who are more knowledgeable
- sense of social fairness
- sensitivity
- politeness

Values that would still be obstacles:
- selfishness
- trying to reason through situations instead of allowing emotion to be reason enough
- desire to be socially present, valuing general social events or needs over personal or private needs

Exercise 5- managing stress

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

This exercise is difficult for me because I have always believed that the way you act/react to something is totally within your control and if you don't like something, then change it. I am lucky in that I have not had a lot of major stress in my life, and those that I have, I spend time thinking about it, considering the options I have, and then if warranted, I take the steps needed to change it. For example, I was working in a job I did not like, and every day was hard to go into this office. Because of this, I looked for new jobs, I spent time getting my resume together, I did what I could to create a new outlook on my existing job while looking for a new one, and eventually I left to start a new job that I am happy at. I don't typically turn to other measures to deal with things, I deal with the actual issue because i know that not dealing with it does not make it go away. I can't imagine something (even this, as painful and awful as it has been) that would make me do something that is out of line with my values.

To manage stress recently I:
Read a book
Call a friend
Browse the Internet
Go for a walk
Brush my dogs
Watch a movie
Have a glass of wine
Post on support forums
Visit my family
Go shopping
 
B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

When I get bored and I want to fill the time, for a while I would just watch television which I don't think is a great use of time. I would get home from work, not know what to do, wander through my house, and eventually turn on the tv knowing there would be nothing I wanted to watch and just flip through channels. Eventually I would turn it off and try to do something else, but i would find myself sitting on the couch to watch tv again within a few minutes. Eventually, I started filling my time with other activities and no longer watched tv to quench my boredom. Lately, now that my ex has moved out, I find myself bored again and I know that I would watch tv were it an option, but I don't have tv in my home anymore, so instead I go for a walk, call a friend, or read a book, all of which I find more satisfying than television anyway. I think had I not resorted to turning on the tv every night before, I would have found other, more enjoyable ways to spend my time, I probably would have been more social and better about calling people and making more plans.
 
C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

From our conversations, much in the manner that tv was a way to relieve my boredom, my ex used masturbation and online people to relieve his. However, there were times that he was not bored, but simply had a spare 10 minutes, or MADE a spare 10 minutes so that he could engage in this activity. I do not see that he was escaping from stress, unless the idea of being in a committed relationship was stressful and he needed an escape from that. If that is the case, and he needed an outlet that was not masturbation, he probably would have gone out drinking more, or worked longer hours, gone for more bike rides, spent more time at the gym, all to avoid having to be home and create a meaningful relationship.

Exercise 6- behavior patterns

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

He had a habit of deciding who in a couple that we would meet was more attractive, and could easily objectify them to make an assessment.

He often would tell me 'that girl's dress would look good on you' but now I think this was just because he wanted a reason to be looking at that person.

In bed, no matter what I suggested we do, I always felt like he wanted to take it further, like if we can do x, then we should do y. I felt like when I tried something new to be exciting, it just meant to him that we would go even further with it, and thus anything that I thought we could do to be exciting fell short.

Many of his close friends are female... most of them actually, and he has admitted to fantasizing about almost all of them. It makes me think that he formed those close friendships out of the thought that maybe they would go somewhere more than just friends.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

The sexualized mind:
Definitely observed. We always has a very sexual relationship, which I still am ok with. We enjoyed sex together and in our home there were a lot of touches and looks because I think that sex was always in the air between us. Outside of the home, I liked when these things made me feel like we were 'in on something' together even in a crowd of people, I liked that we had what I thought was a good sex life. However, where I did not like this, was the commenting on other people, who was attractive and who was not, mentioning seeing ads in missed connections on Craigslist, Knowing that he viewed and masturbated to porn, sometimes at work. I commented often that he was a more sexual person than I was, I just never knew to what extent.


The objectified mind:
Again, yes. He actually talked about this all the time. When I would mention that I am not comfortable with porn, he would say that it wasn't because he wanted to see naked women, but that they were just objects to get him aroused. Same with how he could look at women he would meet and consider them attractive, it was about them as objects. He had wanted to have a threesome which I had said I was not ok with, that I didn't want another person in out relationship, and he said he understood, but for him, that it wouldnt be about a person, it would just be like a sex toy.

Need for immediate gratification:
Well, he had an affair, so yes. He could never turn down dessert even if he knew he was too full, never said no to another drink even if he had had too much, preferred to spend his time doing his hobbies instead of forming intimate relationships with people in our families.

All or nothing perspective:
I actually see more examples of this since the addiction came out. If I talk about how we are not together anymore, he jumps to that we should not talk, email, be Facebook friends, or otherwise have any contact. He found out that I was considering dating again and jumped to me being sexually active with someone and having a full relationship. There are times I prefer to drive than ride a bike and so he assumes I do not like biking at all. I suppose starting to write these down I could think of lots of examples of all or nothing type thinking.

Exercise 7 - my role in recovery.

Note: I am part of category 1, I have chosen to leave the relationship.

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication
Occasionally we have effective communication, but more often, one of us will call the other when we are at an extreme low and there is a lot of fighting and hurtful words and tears. We discussed boundaries last week and I think that not calling right when a wave of emotion hits should be added to that list of boundaries.

II. Managing your partner's recovery
I really have not been involved in his recovery. I know about it to the extent that he tells me, but I have not been a part of any therapy, suggested any thing for him, or really asked many questions. I ask questions that I think relate to my recovery, and some of that involves talking about his.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
I suppose we talk some about this, but in a lot of our interactions in shut down, don't want to voice what is going on in my head, and he fills the silence, sometimes talking about his pursuit of health.

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

At first no, it was all about him and how he is recovering, even under the guise of 'I want to help you recover' it was about changes he is making to his life so that mine could be healthier. Discussion was always about how he felt, what he needed, what he wanted. Since deciding to separate, I have thought more about what I need and what I want and what his role is in that. I feel like I am starting to be able to articulate it more, and I know that when I am alone, my focus is on me recovering my life and not about him.

The section about minimum contact in this reading resonated with me. Currently we talk about once a week, and I do think that part of his recovery efforts are about proving something to me,I can almost hear it in the way he talks or writes that it is all through a filterof how I will perceive it. I need to consider not having any contact, but that's difficult because sometimes I still have questions and also because I am still friends with most of my exs, I feel like they were important people in my life and I don't like not being able to maintain a friendship. I need to think about this one more.

Exercise 10- change

A) Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.

1. I love my family
2. I will allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, and I will acknowledge those feelings
3. I spend my time doing things that are enjoyable to me

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

1. I do love my family, but I am not showing that love or accepting theirs as well as I could be. I know that if I were able to be more open with them that the support they would offer me would help me to heal, but being forthcoming about personal issues has always been difficult for me with my family.
2. Well, I don't know that I am going to get a lot of fulfillment out of feeling sad, but I think that in the long term not blocking out emotions that make me uncomfortable will be good for me. I don't like conflict, with others or with myself, and my counseler has been talking to me about standing up for myself in a relationship, asking for the things I need, and I think that goes for a realtionsh with myself as well.
3. Right, this one seems obvious. Spending my time doing what I enjoy seems like such an easy thing, but I think it's about learning to take the initiative to invite people out with me, be ok with doing things alone, and also exploring new activities to discover what I enjoy on my own as opposed to as a Parton a relationship.
 
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

1. I will take my mom up on the offer to do something the weekend that was supposed to be my wedding, and I will talk to her about why it has been difficult for me to accept her help on that day. I will tell my friends when the things that they say while trying to be supportive hurt me, so that I don't back away from talking about it altogether but rather, let them know what kind of support would help.
2. I have been starting on this one already. I know it sounds strange, but when I was really sad one night and crying, I kept thinking about how it was so much worse because before when I was sad, I had my partner to lean on. Now, there was no one to support me and tell me it was ok. Then I realized I could tell myself that. That I can be both sad and strong, both hurt and healing. Realizing that I could cry and that it wouldn't change who I am, and that I am strong enough to allow some weakness made me actually feel some of my sorrow for the first time instead of just pushing it away.
3. This one is hard because it means breaking a routine. I want to try new things (or bring back things that I have stopped doing) in the next month. Join a kickball league to become more social again, start running again to improve my self image, finish one of the furniture projects I have started to find joy in design again, and schedule another ARE exam to continue to further my career.
 
D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.

1. I will call my sister and talk to her about why I have been vague on the subject of 'how are you doing'
2. I had thought about writing myself a letter, telling myself that it is ok to cry, to have moments where I am not ok, because eventually I will feel better again, and so when I am feeling overwhelmed, I can read that and know that if I need to be sad for an hour, it's ok, because I can be the support that I need.
3. I will find a kickball league to join, and I will schedule a test for some time in July.

Exercise 11 - letters

I wrote my letters and I don't want to post them here, but I thought I could post some of what I learned in writing them instead.

I actually started with the letter from my ex to me, and at first I thought there was nothing to write. He has written me so many letters already, ones that were begging, others explaining, others angry or remorseful or hopeful... but none of them were what I needed and I didn't know that until I sat down to write my own. The letter that I wrote was about me, about what I am going through and what I think he should understand about my position. It really doesn't talk at all about his recovery, and I think that in writing it, I finally realized that I am focused on my recovery and not his, that was a good thing to know. It felt good to articulate the things that I put in there, and I think it was a good exercise for myself.

Then I took some time away from the process before coming back to write my letter to him, and again, it was one of the more 'ahhhh' moments I have had. So much of moving forward has been difficult because I am constantly trying to figure out how I feel. I am angry, no I am sad, no I am hurt, no I am...... Instead, in this letter I was able to just write ANGER and define all the ways in which I was angry, then BETRAYED and all the ways I felt betrayed without worrying that I was focusing on the wrong emotion. Doing this gave me a lot more latitude to feel so many things at once, both sad and hopeful, angry and calm, etc. In addition, defining each emotion by itself let me write and accept parts of the recovery that I don't necessarily like, because I know that if here I am feeling weak, in the next paragraph I can feel strong, so I know that the feeling is manageable and it will not last forever.

Exercise 12 - How am I


A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

Right now, I feel like 'how are you' is the question of the day. I get if from my ex, from my family, my friends, my therapist, and I ask it of myself. My answer is that I want to shout 'I don't know!'. I feel like the whole world wants to fit me into a neat little box that can be explained in one sentence. Oh, she's sad but getting better. She has left the relationship and is moving on. She is dealing with it well. And those are all true, but so is 'she is competly uncertain about the rest of her life and it throws her into a panic to try to think about it.'. I can't say how I am today, because today has already been too many things for me to have the time to write them all out. But this very minute, I can say that I am holding to the morals that I have for myself, I am afraid that I will be alone and never start a family, I am dying to be touched again even though the thought of it makes me feel sick, am not believing that this weekend when I should be getting married, I will once again be waking up a single woman, with no one to love.

I am not calm enough to move n to part B of this exercise and am going to have to come back to it at a later time.

Exercise 12 part 2

B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

The largest problem/pattern will probably be a lack of trust. I really don't know how I could trust again. I can so vividly remember laying in bed and looking at my ex and thinking how he would NEVER betray me, and yet, he was all along. I don't know how I can ever hear a caring word again and not wonder what is beneath it.

I have never been entirely expressive about emotions and I see that growing worse, using humor to deflect real conversations that I don't want to have, in part because I don't trust the people I am talking to respond in a way that doesn't make me defensive. It's something I am working hard on not doing, not belittling how I feel to avoid talking about it, but it is difficult.

Lastly I could see fear in my own judgement. It's like I don't know what way is up and I've started to realize that everything in life is a decision, and once you go one way all the other paths have closed behind you, but there are so many others in front of you. I am so scared that one of the ones I didn't take would have made me happier, that I will choose the wrong thing, go the wrong way and just end up so lost. I want to retrace back to a place where I knew where I was, but I can't go backward and so I just have to keep on making decisions about my life every day. Sometimes they just feel paralyzing.

Exercise 13


A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..
 
Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.

B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.


4-physically the thought of being touched again is somewhat repulsive, although at the same time I desperately miss it. Touch was a big part of our relationship and now that feels like a betrayal and I know it will bring up so many triggers that I just can't stomach the thought of it.

6-physically I doubt my own apperance. I know I am beautiful, I am healthy, I have a gat physique, I am a pretty person, but I can't help but think that I just wasn't good enough.

3- socially I am putting on a mask. I know that people can only handle so much of others when they are sad and the truth is it is easier for me for people to think I am fine than to try to explain the myriad and complex emotions I feel.

10- socially I am ore engaged with my friends, I am making a bigger effort to be joyful and therefor spending more time doing things that I may have otherwise.

5- socially I feel alone all the time. I want to have my partner by my side and I feel not whole wh(en I am out in a group.

8- socially I feel that I have something to prove, like I am still worth even though I am now single again.

9- spiritually I have prayed again, more out of desperation to feel like I am doing something than from a deep rooted belief, but sometimes I don't know what else to do.

4- spiritually (maybe not quite) i have stopped wishing. I used to wish on everything, cutting the birthday cake, the first star at night, when the clock hit 11:11... And I knew it was silly, but it was more about me putting out into the world what I hoped to get back. Now I can't wish, every opportunity just makes me sad because there is nothing to wish for anymore.

6- economically I am more strapped for cash, I don't know what I'll do if my roommate moves out, I can't do all the things I want because my financial situation is uncertain, but it may prompt me to actually ask for a raise.

4- economically I was going to buy a new car, go on a vacation, do some fixes to the house, all of which I can't do and now are things that I am reminded of all the time that need to be bought, but I cant.

3- interpersonally I have been dating again, but I am doing it and simply going through the motions and then a few dates in I stop calling the person, and I know that isn't nice, and I should not do it, but I am lonely, and then I get scared.

1- emotionally I am a mess. I question everything, my feelings change over the course of an hour and I don't know what instinct to listen to.

2- I worry that I will always wonder if we could have made it work

1- I worry that I am getting too old and I won't have a family

1- I worry that I already got to meet someone who I had an unbelievable spark with, who. Was so happy with to the point of fairy tale, that I won't ever have it again because who finds that twice?

1-My trust in people is gone

8-I get mad at little things and yell at the radio when I feel like they are making light of infidelity

10-I am dressing different and trying to put more care into my outfits

6-I am drinking more because I try to fill my schedule which ends up with more social events which involve alcohol

7-I feel panicked if I don't have time alone, but being alone makes me sad

1-I worry that I will loose myself in all this worry about everything else

Exercise 14

*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.
- I don't currently plan to spend any time tracking my partner's addiction. We are separated and in truth, if he was still here, and I thought we would get together again, I think I would obsess over it, which is one of the reasons I can't let myself be with him. I know how those thoughts and the need to check and know that no matter how much detective work I do I won't be able to find everything will take over my life and I don't want that. As far as playing a role in his recovery, I guess I don't know. We are trying to remain friends, I see him about once a week and spend some of that time talking about his recovery, but I don't do this in order to assist in recovery.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?
- Again, none, because if I allow it it would overtake my life. Times of mistrust only strengthen my resolve that I have made the correct choice, because now that mistrust doesn't hurt me, and he can't hurt me, but I am so afraid of letting that back in.

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
- None. And saying that I look at my current situation, where I say that he can't hurt me, but one of my values is in knowing myself, in knowing who I am and what I believe in, and even having him in my life does damage that, because I don't know what I want, and that is scary. So I suppose if I am honest, it is more important to me to hold on to some form of that relationship than it is for me to be 100% certain of what I want from the relationship, so I am pitting one of my values against another. I don't like that feeling.

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.
- I won't tolerate lies, I know that we are living separate lives now and if he chooses to date or be with someone, I expect honesty about it. I think that a lie would break the fragile relationship that we do have. This is where I am currently so angry. I am certain that there is more that happened during our relationship that I don't know about, and I feel like every time I see him, he is essentially lying in that he has not given me the whole truth. I don't know if I can continue in a relationship without knowing the full truth. I feel like at some point it will come out and all the work we have done repairing our relationship will be for nothing because it will put it all back at square one. I don't know how to move forward without all the information. I think he thinks that he would have to tell me if I choose to try for a romantic relationship again, but in my head, I know that if I made that choice and THEN more information came out, that I could never forgive him for leading me into trying under false pretenses. I just don't accept lying, ever, not about anything.

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?
- Again, none. Any change needs to come from him for it to be genuine and I don't even know if that is genuine or just a show. I try to just listen, and not react or comment, because I don't want to say if I think what he is doing is good or bad, that is something he needs to decide - how he is going to live his life. It is then up to me to decide if that is the kind of life that I can accept into mine. I have gotten angry recently and just ranted about how much he hurt me, and I think I should not do that, because that is inserting how I think he should act into his life, and makes his actions less genuine.

*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?
-I don't think I threaten, but I probably do reward just in terms of time, not that that is my motive. I try to state my needs when I know what they are. So often I don't really know what my needs are, but I try to vocalize them when I do.

*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?
-I don't yet know if I think this is possible. I don't know that our relationship will ever move past what has happened. I can't see how I can ever be less hurt by what he did to me, and more than that, I don't know that I can ever forgive him for being willing to hurt me, to disregard me so completely. I think that to begin to do this, I would need complete honesty, I would need to see a thorough understanding of the pain he caused, and exactly how his actions caused that pain. I think he sees that what he did was wrong and hurtful, but I don't think he has considered each and every act of dishonesty and how each one hurts like it is able to just kill me once again. 'Cheating' does not come close to explaining it, it doesn't cover the depths of betrayal, and I need him to understand how the websites, the girls he knew, the kiss, the causal encounters, the lies in our conversations, the relationships with friends, all of it isn't the same thing to me, they are all incredibly painful instances that all carry a lot of weight and I need to know that he sees each and every lie, and understands why and how it hurts. I need a deeper understanding from him about my situation that I think he can grasp.
From me, I think I would need to understand addition, but the truth is, I am not willing to, and I know that is the whole point of this website, but I don't want to understand how he could hurt me, I don't want that to be a part of my life or my world. I will not ever say it is ok because he has a problem. It is NOT OK.

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:
-Family. I would need him to accept my family as his and act accordingly. No going off alone when we are with my family, I would need him to interact with them and love them as his own family.
-listening. I need him to listen to me, and actually hear me instead of just waiting to respond.
-Drinking. I need him to not drink as much, and not at all when he is not with me.
-Honesty. I won't allow a single lie again, not so much as what he had for lunch.
-Friends. I would need him to stop being friends with people who are not supportive of the relationship and I would need him to make an effort to be friends with the people I am close with.

*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.
-Currently, I just turn away from it. When I get very upset, I give myself 5 minutes to cry, to feel it, and then I move on with something else. I have not neglected my values or allowed my boundaries to be crossed. I think that if I felt that he was beginning to have this effect, I would say that the actions he was doing to cause me to feel that way are not going to be allowed in my life, and he can continue to do whatever the action is without me, or he can change his actions. I have lost any sort of flexibility or allowance. I have become very hard in terms of what I know I will allow in my life and what I will not.

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
- Honesty and understanding. Neither of which I think have been reached. So long as I feel there are lies I do not feel that he is going to recover from this. I think he is holding it to himself so that he does not need to let go of that part yet, and I think that means he is not moving past it. Understanding is part of an empathy that most people have but perhaps addicts don't. Until I think he understands what he did to me, then I don't think I will believe in his possibility of recovery.

*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
-Quitting going to his meetings, dating, drinking, if I feel that he is less sincere when we talk. I am putting a lot of stock in intuition because I ignored it for too long, and now it's the one thing I have to hold on to.

Exercise 15

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

Mom, Dad, and sister - I know they will always listen and support me, but they give me space, and ask me occasionally how I am to let me know that they know I am still hurting.

close high school friends - Not the best in that they clearly interject their desire into how they support me, and this does affect how I feel even when I don't want it to.

close college friends - Have been wonderful. They have been supportive of me alone, but also caring towards my partner and I truly know that they will support any decision I make.

work friends - good for a monthly check in - nice to be able to talk and just off load everything in our lives once a month or so.

Long distance friends - some whom I have visited or who have visited me, great for a distraction for a weekend mixed with concerned conversations.

I think that with all the people in my life who have been very supportive, lately I am finding that it is hard that everyone thinks I am fine now that it has been 4 months. 4 months is not a long time, and I am still hurting so much, but I try to live a positive life, that doesn't mean I have forgotten, or that I am not still sad. I think I would like people to see that more, but it is hard to continue to bring it up.

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.

- My dogs*
-Therapy
- 2 online sites*
- Dating again*
- Yoga
- Reading*

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

- When my first friend to have a baby was pregnant, I threw her a baby shower, I asked her about the pregnancy, I had her home cleaned so she didn't have to worry about it, I brought them a meal. With all that, I didn't feel that she was thankful for my support, and so I have kept that in mind and made sure that I communicate how much everyone's support means to me. I think I would have continued to be more involved even than I was now that I do need a support system because I can see that sometimes when you are dealing with something that is taking up all of your energy it is really hard to focus on other people. I have been trying to be a better friend overall through this.