Recovery Nation

Alright, well, wasn't able to formally type up an outline before the appointment. It went ok. M came along and I felt like, no, I know I danced around the edges of my issues with all this. I just didn't feel courageous enough to get to some of the hard issues. I know why.

I hate conflict.
I have a pleaser personality type.
I hate feeling like I'm the one who does the bulk of the complaining about the relationship. Specifically the whole "other women, sexual desire aimed outside of the relationship, preferred archtype" business.

He goes once a week and I'll be going again in two, with him again. I don't know.

Ok. Exercise Seventeen.

A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.

1. Confidence
2. Passion for life/action/goals
3. Goal setter
4. Creative
5. Committed -- to life goals, projects I take on
6. Strong
7. Compassionate
8. Honesty
9. Follow through -- stay with projects, follow through to completion
10. Organized

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

1. Confidence--Hardly any fulfillment right now. I would like to get back to feeling confident. (Although to be honest, confidence has been elusive for me, most of my life.) But confidence has the potential to get me out into the world, making decisions about my life without constant hand-wringing.
2. Passion for life/action/goals--Ugh. Stuck, stuck, stuck on this one, too. I still feel derailed by my SO's actions, as well as overwhelmed by the amount of work in my life right now. I want to get back to a reasonable schedule, with time set aside for various side projects.

3. Goal setter--Still tending to ruminate on my SO (oh goodness, let me just call him M), and waste time with that. I am only dealing with things that have strict deadlines. Things I can put off, I put off, which is my lifelong tendency when under unrelenting stress. When I've set goals in the past I've accomplished many wonderful things. Whew. Need to work on this.

4. Creative--This is good. I have a side business as a baker and I enjoy creating new flavors, then selling them at the local farmers market. I love getting paid to do something I genuinely love. It gives me confidence to hear back from happy, satisfied customers. I need to get back to my writing. I enjoy writing. Just need to set aside a regular time to do it. The benefit here is that when I am paid to write, I make so much more money than when I bake.

5. Committed--to life goals, projects I take on--Letting things slide here. Following through on self-directed goals will pay off in so many ways--independence, financial security, happiness.

6. Strong--I don't feel strong now. I had a difficult conversation with M yesterday that left me in tears and wondering how I found myself on the defensive, when he is the one who created these issues between us. Anyway, I don't feel strong. I feel uneven and floundering. The potential for strength is the ability to stand up for myself and not be afraid to tackle difficult issues head on.

7. Compassionate--I am too understanding and compassionate. I should change this to selfishness. Ha, just kidding. Selfish is not in my nature. I could stand, however, to have fewer actions that leave me feeling drained and used.

8. Courageous--I am changing this to Honesty. I know others here have had that on their lists from the beginning and I haven't. I suppose that's because I feel that life only works if there is a certain amount of self delusion going on. That is to say, I am happiest feeling like I am smarter than I really am, better looking than I really am, that M is better than he really is, etc. Sorry, but I just don't want to hear that, hey, you really are (fill in the blunt truth here). But I've decided to list Honesty now, as I've concluded that basic truths are missing in my life and I can't take it. It's weird. I guess I've always had more or less honesty in my life--and I suppose I didn't appreciate that fact. Now that basic facts are called into question, I feel like I need to list it. Really? I need to list something as basic as General Honesty? Ugh. Ok. Listed. (sigh)

9. Follow through--stay with projects, follow through to completion--Pretty terrible at this, though I am doing well with my week to week commitments. Just need to expand my horizons. (I confess I am a busy woman from day to day in general and I still spend too much time thinking about M and what's going on with him.)

10. Organized--I have never been organized. I get going in fits and starts, but can never seem to maintain it. Being more organized would save me time, however, and make my life run more smoothly.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.

Confidence

1. Pay more attention to the nuts and bolts of running my business.

a. Enter all starting expenses in excel to organize finances for taxes. b. Create a plan for expanding the business. c. Write business plan, based upon what I read in Entrepreneur.
2. Network more.

a. Join C's networking group. Next meeting June 6th. Go. b. Try to engage at least one person at each League meeting I go to.
3. Start new exercise routine. Since graduating I have put on a few pounds and am feeling self conscious about it.
a. Write out plan. Set aside reasonable amount of time to accomplish each day. b. Log info at fitday.com.

Passion for life/action/goals

1. Not start some new thing, then let it get the short shrift if I become overwhelmed with other obligations. Pay attention and be committed to doing the best job possible.
a. Think before saying yes. b. Set aside some time for contemplation each week. c. Set aside time for true relaxation.
2. Plan for the future.
a. Set aside time to consider future plans. b. Make sure I am calm and not stressed when I do this. c. Consult others, if I think necessary.

Goal setter

1. Plan ahead. Create a reasonable vision, then plan steps to get there.
2. Make to do lists.
3. Create daily routines to get into.
I am already working on this. a. Keep entering schedule into calendar to stay on top of obligations. b. Decide on best routine for me. Execute.

Creative

1. Write every other day for blog.
a. Do at night. b. Keep camera with me at all times to snap pics I think I can use. c. Keep notebook at all times to jot down ideas for subject matter.
2. Social media for business.
a. Schedule this.
3. Visit art galleries more.
a. Pick a new one each month to check out. Go.

Committed -- to life goals, projects I take on

1. Think before I say yes to a project.
a. Keep calm. Try not to get too excited about the next crusade. b. Remember what my strengths are.

Strong

1. Commit to LWVOC. Get active with this group.
a. Email committee I am interested in being on. b. Follow their fb updates for opportunities to engage.
2. Stand up for myself. Not allow others to bully or manipulate me.
a. Do daily affirmations. b. Stop the negative self talk.

Compassionate

1. See others points of view, without sacrificing my own values in the process.
a. Meditate once a week on what's best for me. b. Schedule that time so I don't skip it.
2. Separate what's best for me and my own goals with desire to help others. Especially if those things are in conflict.
See a and b above.

Honesty

1. Speak up for myself more, and worry about others' reactions less.
a. Daily affirmations, reminding myself of my value.
2. Know where my lines are and when people have crossed them.
a. Keep doing my lessons with RN.
3. Stand up for myself.
a. Speak up more truthfully with M's therapist. Worry less about hurting his feelings.



Follow through -- stay with projects, follow through to completion

1. Make to do lists.
2. Organize files.
3. Organize notes.
4. Stay in touch with others.
5. Finish tasks.

Organized

1. Really, this is a subset of Follow through.

D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.

See notes in blue above with each one.

Reposting this separately to make it easier to see and be able to refer back to:

1. Pay more attention to the nuts and bolts of running my business.

a. Enter all starting expenses in excel to organize finances for taxes. b. Create a plan for expanding the business. c. Write business plan, based upon what I read in Entrepreneur.
2. Network more.

a. Join C's networking group. Next meeting June 6th. Go. b. Try to engage at least one person at each League meeting I go to.
3. Start new exercise routine. Since graduating I have put on a few pounds and am feeling self conscious about it.
a. Write out plan. Set aside reasonable amount of time to accomplish each day. b. Log info at fitday.com.

Passion for life/action/goals

1. Not start some new thing, then let it get the short shrift if I become overwhelmed with other obligations. Pay attention and be committed to doing the best job possible.
a. Think before saying yes. b. Set aside some time for contemplation each week. c. Set aside time for true relaxation.
2. Plan for the future.
a. Set aside time to consider future plans. b. Make sure I am calm and not stressed when I do this. c. Consult others, if I think necessary.

Goal setter

1. Plan ahead. Create a reasonable vision, then plan steps to get there.
2. Make to do lists.
3. Create daily routines to get into.
I am already working on this. a. Keep entering schedule into calendar to stay on top of obligations. b. Decide on best routine for me. Execute.

Creative

1. Write every other day for blog.
a. Do at night. b. Keep camera with me at all times to snap pics I think I can use. c. Keep notebook at all times to jot down ideas for subject matter.
2. Social media for business.
a. Schedule this.
3. Visit art galleries more.
a. Pick a new one each month to check out. Go.

Committed -- to life goals, projects I take on

1. Think before I say yes to a project.
a. Keep calm. Try not to get too excited about the next crusade. b. Remember what my strengths are.

Strong

1. Commit to LWVOC. Get active with this group.
a. Email committee I am interested in being on. b. Follow their fb updates for opportunities to engage.
2. Stand up for myself. Not allow others to bully or manipulate me.
a. Do daily affirmations. b. Stop the negative self talk.

Compassionate

1. See others points of view, without sacrificing my own values in the process.
a. Meditate once a week on what's best for me. b. Schedule that time so I don't skip it.
2. Separate what's best for me and my own goals with desire to help others. Especially if those things are in conflict.
See a and b above.

Honesty

1. Speak up for myself more, and worry about others' reactions less.
a. Daily affirmations, reminding myself of my value.
2. Know where my lines are and when people have crossed them.
a. Keep doing my lessons with RN.
3. Stand up for myself.
a. Speak up more truthfully with M's therapist. Worry less about hurting his feelings.

Follow through -- stay with projects, follow through to completion

1. Make to do lists.
2. Organize files.
3. Organize notes.
4. Stay in touch with others.
5. Finish tasks.

Organized

1. Really, this is a subset of Follow through.

Exercise Eighteen

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

The easiest one to answer here is the current value collision. Avoiding conflict. Not standing up for myself. Not being brave.

I have a long history of this. From the time I was in foster care as a teen--and tried to be blend into the walls, through my marriage to an overbearing angry man, to now, I have developed a bad habit of questioning myself and my feelings. Is it ok to feel this way? Am I being unfair? If only I did X, this would blow over. Etc.

For close to a year now I have not pushed for information from M. Mainly because I have felt like I wouldn't get it. So things mostly seem good between us, however, the nagging questions have not disappeared. Did he indeed sleep with random women he met on the internet? What other actions did he engage in? The basic conflict here is this: When I questioned anything around this, I allowed myself to get manipulated by, "You're going to believe what you're going to believe and there's nothing I can do about it." And: "You don't think I'm lying now, do you?" Putting the impetus on me to say, "No. I don't." And I hate saying no to people. So this is a huge issue and one I am working on in my lessons.

So. Issue suspended.



B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

I anticipate more conflicts where it is easier to keep my mouth shut than stand up for myself. Basically any situation where I don't have evidence in my hand to support my side of whatever the argument is, I find myself giving ground. Then stewing about it for weeks or even years, depending on what it is. Or I get so muddled that I decide I really was being unreasonable, uncaring, etc.

The trick moving forward, as an accomplished, intelligent adult woman, will be to respond appropriately at the time. Or, barring that, being able to have the strength to bring the problem up later, when I've have a chance to consider how I was steamrolled in the first place.



C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

I find this an impossible one to answer. Almost any situation can be fluid and flexible. I mean, two years ago I would have said I would never stay with a man who solicited a minor for sex. And I would have truly believed it, yet here I am.

I suppose the one area would be anything involving my kids. This was always one area in my life where I stood up strong for my kids. Hmm. Interesting.

Sooo, M has violated community control and is now sitting in jail without bond, awaiting a hearing to determine what happens to him now.

I have put off the hard questions and hard work in dealing with all this for almost a year now. I got an initial disclosure due to an arrest, but over time I have come up with new questions/issues/etc which, when some were broached, got a brush off from M. I decided that I would defer any more hard talks until M was on more stable footing. I figured I wouldn't get the truth, no matter, what, so why bother until he was in a better place? So I deliberately put things on the back burner. I have acted through the prism of what I thought was best for M in all this: calm, supporting, empathetic. It's been almost one year to the day from that D Day. I am now, with the encouragement of ITFM and Nellie James, trying to come up with a game plan for me. One that addresses my needs and not M's.

Let me first start this process by simply listing the various unresolved issues between us. Some of these things I discussed with M almost a year ago and found no suitable answers at that time; others are new things that have occurred to me.

In no particular order, these are the things I want to bring up with M. I've been waiting until the time was, well, better than not, but it seems as if this could stretch out in perpetuity. Better to organize my thoughts and evaluate what to do at this point.

1. A year ago, M, is desperate straights, said this: I look for emotionally damaged women. One can suss them out by how they present themselves online. If her profile says something like, "fat and lonely, with no self esteem," then that is someone who will do the most for you sexually, with the least amount of effort on your part. I thought it seemed clear that he was referencing sleeping with random women he met online. Upon reflection, however, and wanting clarity, I asked a couple of weeks later what exactly this meant. M responded that he chatted them up online and engaged in cyber sex with them. I accepted this explanation at the time, as I knew he liked to indulge in that. It was only later, though, that I thought the initial words didn't match up with the clarification. It seems to me that cyber sex doesn't need emotionally damaged women, women who will "do the most for you with the least amount of effort on your part." Cyber sex can be anyone. It doesn't even have to be women. Men pretending to be women will do. These words do not seem to match what seems logical. It has bothered me for months and wish to address it.

2. Is M still on any dating websites? Any adult find a sex partner websites? Looking on Craigslist? I asked him before Christmas if he was on any dating websites and he answered no, but I didn't believe him. I let it go, but need to bring up again. And find out what he's been up to since then, if anything. No idea.

3. Who is he communicating with via texting? He keeps close dibs on his smart phone. Suspicious. Every once in a blue moon he'll receive a text that seems off. It's hard to explain. Just, mysterious. I crave to open it up and rifle through his messages. Simultaneously, I desire to not be that person.

4. Does M still engage with cyber sex? Or web cam sex? I find this idea still a kind of sexual activity. It involves another person and I object to it in a partner. Is it still going on? How will I know one way or the other?

Almost a year ago, when this situation was still roiling, M declared that I would believe what I believed and there was nothing he could do about that. Perhaps it's true. Who knows? But I don't think he's even tried to prove anything to me. Once, he offered to let me go through his email. I dismissed it, as I believe in privacy and dislike the thought of patrolling M's life. One day, though, I decided I would take him up on this offer. By the time I spoke with him next, however, I realized it would be pointless. He could simply have another email account. What would be the point of checking that one?

Here's another reaction I had to M's actions that I haven't shared with him. I'm not sure why exactly. Probably because it seemed like a lecture after the fact. Something painful to M and without real purpose. But it's my feeling on the subject so it should be stated.

I have so many problems with M's actions regarding this supposed fourteen-year-old girl and his solicitation of "her," both on the macro and the micro level.

Macro:

1. I do not--do not--understand a grown man, who has been in and of the world, who has experienced adult relationships, pursuing what I consider a child. I don't care if she is physically capable of having sex and wanting her does not make you a pedophile (according to the APA, men finding young teens sexually attractive is perfectly normal and not any kind of psychiatric disorder), it's wrong.
2. It's wrong because of the disparate power imbalance. You simply cannot pit the intellectual processes of a young teen against the intellectual processes of a middle aged anybody. Teenagers of all ages do not have he capacity for informed choice, particularly if they are the sexual target of an adult. With all the manipulation that goes with that. Hell, I'm a democrat and I have never condoned Bill Clinton's actions with Monica Lewinski. Talk about power imbalance! Late forty-something married leader of the free world and 22-year-old college intern? Disapprove.
3. Adults should be in the position of protecting children and teens, not manipulating them into sex.
4. Fourteen is too young for sex with anyone. Even other fourteen-year-olds.
5. When someone is ready for sex, it should be with someone they care about and who cares about them. It should be when you're in a caring, secure relationship. It should not be some random encounter. And it should definitely be with someone close to your own age, so that you're both at relatively the same power levels. Sex between a fifteen-year-old and a thirty-year-old? Wrong. Sex between a thirty-year-old and a forty-five-year-old? Fine.

Micro:

1. M promised to never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. That was clearly a lie.
2. I do not want to be anyone's two hundredth choice, after he has pursued 199 nineteen-year-olds and couldn't land any of them.

So, I finally made the decision to end this relationship. Too many good reasons to do it to even bother listing here. I am heartbroken, though.

Ok. Contemplating whether to continue with the lessons as they are, or go back and start over with lesson one. Hmm.

I need to break the news to M. I can try to do it in a 12 minute conversation over the phone. Twelve minutes, from hello until the automated voice interrupts to tell us we have three minutes left to talk. Then we get the voice at the 13 minute mark, telling us we have two minutes, left to talk, and so on until the call ends unceremoniously at 15 minutes.

Or I can get an appointment to go to the jail and not see him, but talk to him over a phone and via a video monitor. This can last up to an hour. When making the appointment, it's all automated so you just have to go what day and time the system schedules you for.

Not sure what's worse. Ending a 14-year-long relationship speed reading through my bullet points in under 12 minutes, or sitting in a room with however many other people--wives, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, children and whoever, spilling my heart out and fending off attempts by M to keep me in the relationship.

Oh, and in both cases, the conversation is recorded because, of course, it's jail.

I'm not sure if I should be entirely honest in detailing my ongoing suspicions, etc., plus my incredulity that he would so easily blow house arrest or just fall back on, "I can't deal with two arrests in one year." I'm afraid if I lay everything out that's wrong, I'll just get bogged down defending my suspicions and so on, while the second arrest thing has no defense on his part.

I can't decide. He's calling again on Tuesday, and knows I'm upset by this second arrest. I just can't decide what direction to take on this.

I decided I absolutely could not end my relationship with someone I care about in some concrete facility that has metal detectors up, steel doors and bulletproof glass, all while being audio and videotaped. Surrounded by other depressed and anxious women talking to their loved ones over video monitors and phones. No, that I cannot do. :\

He was gracious and depressed, listening to me. Not a good day and I don't have the heart to tackle a lesson right now, either the next one or starting over.

Frost's Lesson Two Version 2.0

Exercise Two

I. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy as a wife, mom, sister, friend. Create a vision that represents the real you. The one that you will be reconnecting to on your path towards healing.

II. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. There is no right or wrong to this vision.

a) Is it practical or is it idealistic? Practical is what we are shooting for. Idealistic visions feel good, sound good...but they serve very little purpose.

b) Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making.

Yay, I'm starting this and it isn't, like, midnight. Hopefully I'll make decent headway before I'm too mentally taxed to continue for the evening.

In no particular order, because I am kind of tired tonight.

I see myself relaxing more. Doing things that are creative or inspiring or enjoyable, without feeling guilty that I'm "wasting" time and not productive. I will schedule times to do things that I enjoy.

I see myself trusting my instincts more. I will use the lessons I've learned here to guide myself through uncertainty.

I see myself standing up for myself more.

I will continue to work on being more organized in order to keep my life moving in the direction I want.

I have a great relationship with both of my boys, but I see myself developing letter writing skills. Rather than relying on texting and phone calls, I see myself buying stationary and writing my kids on a regular basis.

I see myself building a successful business. This area needs to be plugged in when I am feeling more alert and energetic.

I see myself engaging in volunteer work more, in more community work. Have joined one of the committees with the local LOWV and went to my first meeting. Which is something because I am notoriously shy, but I did it. Yay me.

I see myself exercising everything other day--jogging, free weights (bench press and squats) and stairs. Since graduating school the weight seems to just be piling on. Ugh. I never realized how much exercise I got just hiking around campus with a backpack on four or five days a week. Wow. I graduated in May and I already have things that are getting too tight to comfortably wear. :(

I see myself more organized. I need daily action plans, along with weekly and monthly and annual. I have gotten better at this, but need to get into the habit of using on a daily basis. Already I find some days are less productive than others, without being more relaxing.

I see myself writing more.

I see myself using some of the tips from other ladies here about using positive self affirmations to change the way I think and drown out that inner negative voice, the self criticizing one.

I see myself relaxing more. Doing things that are creative or inspiring or enjoyable, without feeling guilty that I'm "wasting" time and not productive. I will schedule times to do things that I enjoy.

Am starting to use my google calender more. I am going to schedule enjoyable things and not feel guilty for doing so. This will help act as a stress reliever and help to recharge my motivation and mental stamina. Need to check in daily with my calender. Will see if first thing in the morning works, mid afternoon when I am most likely to be working in front of my computer or late at night when I am too tired for anything mentally taxing. I'll need to experiment.

I see myself trusting my instincts more. I will use the lessons I've learned here to guide myself through uncertainty. Trickier to work on concretely. I think I will just continue to journal through this site for now.

I see myself standing up for myself more. Another iffy area. Perhaps for now positive affirmations will help bolster confidence in my own decision making.

I will continue to work on being more organized in order to keep my life moving in the direction I want. Daily lists and the calender to keep myself on track.

I have a great relationship with both of my boys, but I see myself developing letter writing skills. Rather than relying on texting and phone calls, I see myself buying stationary and writing my kids on a regular basis. Bought fun papers and gorgeous envelops at the local art supply store. Am going to start writing Monday night when I am sitting at the market.

I see myself building a successful business. This area needs to be plugged in when I am feeling more alert and energetic. Need to set aside time to write both for work and pleasure and create social media plans for work. Plug into calender.

I see myself engaging in volunteer work more, in more community work. Have joined one of the committees with the local LOWV and went to my first meeting. Which is something because I am notoriously shy, but I did it. Yay me. Have developed and am implementing a wine and cheese fundraiser for a nonprofit that I am involved with. Will also work pro bono on a website for the LOWV. Have a meeting next Wed on that point. Picking up paint today for a public art project I am finishing up now for the above mentioned nonprofit.

I see myself exercising everything other day--jogging, free weights (bench press and squats) and stairs. Since graduating school the weight seems to just be piling on. Ugh. I never realized how much exercise I got just hiking around campus with a backpack on four or five days a week. Wow. I graduated in May and I already have things that are getting too tight to comfortably wear. :( In addition to figuring out a schedule for the exercise, I need to plan meals better. I tend to skip meals and eat crazy sporadically because I detest cooking. Need to look at what I eat, when, and plan on it as opposed to, "I'm starving. What's to eat?"

I see myself more organized. I need daily action plans, along with weekly and monthly and annual. I have gotten better at this, but need to get into the habit of using on a daily basis. Already I find some days are less productive than others, without being more relaxing.

I see myself writing more. Must do everyday, if even just a little bit.

I see myself using some of the tips from other ladies here about using positive self affirmations to change the way I think and drown out that inner negative voice, the self criticizing one. I have decided my first affirmation will be: I am not bad at all this, I am just new at it.

Exercise Ten
Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.


Just setting this up.

Has it really been a month and a half since I last posted in my thread? How time flies by.

Exercise Ten
Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.

Weirdly, this is a difficult question, as I have had a job offer that makes me deliriously happy. It is literally my dream job and it was simply offered to me without even needing to submit a resume. Don't get me wrong, it's a nonprofit that I've worked for and doted on for several years now, so I am well known to the organization, but still, total shock getting that phone call.

So, this situation strangely makes this exercise more difficult.

Right now, it is exercise, for sure. And probably the daily affirmations. And, yes, trust my instincts.


B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

Exercise. I'm doing nothing with it right now. I have changed my eating habits. I feel like I eat like a monk now. No alcohol, sugars, limited carbs. The weight is coming off fairly rapidly, yay, but I hate preparing from scratch meals all the time. I detest cooking and hate to take valuable time out of my day to bother with it. So now I'm also in the unfortunate habit of going many hours at a time without eating anything. I need to schedule time to work out. I like exercising far more than cooking and if I can get myself organized and less committed to working on a million things (ha!), I'll have time for exercise. Which will allow me to expand my dietary restrictions. So, maybe more happiness on the food front. Right now I find myself either just forgetting about food, or resenting my diet's insistence that I never skip breakfast while also denying me cereal or anything bready. Grr. So, usually I skip it. Sorry, breakfast rant.

At any rate, I'm feeling better about my body again. Just need to tone up and build some muscle which I find attractive.

Daily affirmations. I've gotten better at this. I've done really well in life, all things considered. I had a crappy childhood, spending 6 years in foster care, with indifferent relatives and one lecherous male in-law, 26 years my senior. No preparation for life. No one to care about my future. And I've raised two happy and successful kids, now I have my bachelor's degree, and finally have a job that is a joy. So, yeah. Daily affirmations are good. They remind my of how far I've come.

Trusting my instincts. I am working hard at reminding myself that I don't need proof of something--my instinct is enough to act upon. And, having said that, I am with M again now. He was released and, after demanding access to everything, I decided to give it one more try. I insisted upon a complete disclosure. I am certain I didn't get everything, but everything he said outright felt true and seemed to fit with things he disclosed to me long ago. (Before D Day.) I'm sure some things were omitted, but we'll see.