Recovery Nation

I have been married for 20 years and just in the last 10 months my husband has admitted to a porn and masterbation addiction. I started going to personal counseling and beg him to go. We have been to marriage counseling on three seperate occasions, he never brought up this issue. We have never had a great marriage. He is very controlling, wants the world to revolve around him, doesn't like visitors at his house, doesn't like doing activities with me or his two children. He is very distant and has radical ideas.

When we were dating we had a very good sex life. When we got married I noticed porn magazine hid in places in house. Caught him masterbating in the bathroom with a porn magazine. While I was a willing and ready sexual partner. I confronted him with all these issues, he apologized, said he would never do it again. Then after that 2 kids were born so I blamed our sexual issues on my weight, and being tired all the time. My husband workes out of town alot. So he had access to whatever he wanted. If I would gain a little weight he would be totally hateful to me. He would tell me I was to fat and he would not make love to fat women. He would belittle me, ignore me, withhold love and affection. I asked him why he did these things. He said, because that was a way to motiviate me to lose weight. Whatever I did for him, NOTHING ever was enough. This is just not a weight issue, it is in every aspect of our lives, if it isn't his way, believe me you will hear about it. He will belittle you and put you down if you let him. I do not think he has compassion or love in his heart anymore.



I have been going to a counselor for the past 10 months, and found out he was still viewing porn so I had to give my husband a wake up call. Told him get counseling or I am leaving. He is getting counseling. I am not sure if he is serious or not, but I am.

Hi bandmom,

I am sorry for the psychological abuse that you have had to deal with, above and beyond his addiction (however, I would bet the behaviours are related).

Good for you for taking a stand for you. It is not surprising that he sought counselling. Be prepared, as it is often the case, that such motivations (that are externally driven) do not inspire permanent change; sometimes they may even lack sincerity and are only meant to appease you. Time will tell, and it will show up as waning efforts (counselling sessions fewer and further between, for example).

What I can tell you, which you may already know, is that his behaviour is nothing to do with you and it means nothing about you. Your actions and behaviours are about you, which is a good thing as these are the only actions and behaviours that you have any real control over. You get to say who you will be. Again--good for you for taking that stand!

One other thing that I can tell you is "what you get out of the workshop is relative to what you put in". The lessons/exercises are here, and it is up to you to put them into practice. Some are very confronting (differs for everyone) and some are very rewarding (again, differs for everyone). It is work-but it is work worthwhile!

Welcome to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)