Recovery Nation

Hmmmm. Is a slip a one time event that the SA follows through on the ritual and acts out and a relapse a return to multiple events of acting out?
This is how I have been thinking about it. Here's my situation: Comments would be awesome.

I haven't been on the forums lately, but believe that I am looking at a relapse in my H and am questioning his commitment to recovery.
He has a counselor, men's group an RN coach and other supportive people around him and did not tell anyone that he was slipping or had acted out. I asked a few times
over a 3-4 month period if he was OK or if he had slipped. He lied and told me "I have not slipped." Then the confession last week when I told him that things simply
didn't feel right:

First it was "I slipped once while thinking about the name of a porn star at work, but I only saw lingerie, quickly deleted my browser history and all of the cookies, etc." The next day it was, "I have viewed porn at work, including nude images 2 or 3 times." Viewing at work was how he lost his last job and put us on the financial edge. I'm horrified that he would do it again and place his new job in jeopardy before his very first 6 month review. In reviewing the past few months and my self-healing thread, I see the pattern of behaviors that should probably have clued me in sooner, but it was much more subtle (deceptive?) this time. I just don't believe
in spending my time in angst trying to find evidence for slips---to much lost energy and lost well-being involved in that.

Anyway, I sat down at the kitchen table the day after I asked him to leave to write a TO DO list and found a cash receipt for a prepaid Roku black box card just laying there (I'm guessing he has a black box stashed somewhere in the house or his things that he has been using to stream porn video without a trace). I suspect that he accidently left the receipt there when leaving the house rather unexpectedly. I also found a scratch note with a URL on it associated with a site for nude teenage girls that he evidently had not realized he left in plain site. I have two daughters.....one who is a tween.

We had an agreement that if he slipped and did not tell me within 24 hours, that he would leave the house for 7 days with no contact w/me or our young children.
I really did not want to put him out, but I followed through and calmly told him he was leaving that night. Trying to decide how to proceed when we speak again for the first time on Monday.

Hi Phoenixlady,

I'm so sorry, as I know how much this hurts. I had several unfortunate experiences like you're having. Personally, I think you're looking at a relapse. It's torture when they drip...drip...drip the information as they realize they're being found out. I think you did the right thing in following through on your boundaries and consequences. Kudos to you! As for long-term commitment to him, that's an awfully hard call. It sounds like insisting he get professional help immediately would be appropriate. Best of luck.

Mari

Yes, Marianne is correct that it sounds like a relapse, or, alternatively it could be that he wasn’t really in a true recovery to begin with; that he was abstaining and only participating on the surface, without ingraining and internalizing what he was doing (i.e. if he was doing RN workshop lessons, or if he counsellor was giving him some work to do). When one is in an active recovery, a slip is spontaneous and, once the individual realizes it, they make every effort to realign themselves to their recovery path, examining his relationship to the unexpected trigger, and looking at what he can do (create an action plan) should he meet such a situation again. This slip would then have become part of his awareness, and he is would develop the tools to successfully manage similar ones in the futuer. It sounds like your husband did none of this.

Depending on how far along in his process he is, and if he is sincere (only he really knows) then this could be seen as something to be expected (not to be confused as justified, or excused, or otherwise without responsibility in the matter).

That he covered it up and lied about it (deleting history, and pretending all was good with his recovery to outright lying when asked) is not a good sign--but again, it depends on how long he as been doing the work, and if he has actually been pulling it toward himself, actively working to ingrain the skills. From the sound of it, and given when you joined, if he joined at the same time, I would say that he has been surfing his recovery, not going deep, and not internalizing, but riding on top of the words he reads and that which he can logically understand, but fails to get at the core of his being. There could be many reasons for this as well (human beings are so complicated) but I won’t get into that here, for the sake of brevity (human beings are so complicated).

On the upside, he did come clean, even if it was in dribs and drabs. But, did he come clean because that is what he needs to do if he wants to achieve a place of health in his recovery, or is it because he could sense that he was caught with no where to hide? The actions are the same, but the motivation is quite different, and the implications are equally different.

Finally, the good news is that you enforced your boundary. Even though you didn’t want to put him out--you honored yourself as your word. That is sooo important in the process of healing, and in regaining balance and stability in our lives. Good for you!

Re: “Trying to decide what to do”

Ask yourself what you are committed to. What do you want for your life (vision)?
What are the values that support this vision, and what are the values that are threatened or violated as a result of his actions. Also, in light of what you do--what are your choices, and how does each of these filter through your vision and values. When you sort that out, make your choice. As a check and balance to what you finally choose, you could also ask yourself if you are making this choice because it truly is the best option given your vision, values and resources (i.e. tools to live by your vision and values) or did you make this choice because it is the most convenient, or offers the least resistance. (Not that either is wrong, only that you will have to accept responsibility for the outcomes).

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Yes.
Boundaries are useless unless we follow through.
Your vision is key here. I see that you have returned to your lessons and selected three values to use in your meeting with your H. Good for you. Coach Mel has given you excellent advice. "What are the values that are threatened or violated as a result of his actions?" Give yourself time to sort this out.

I wish you well as you prepare for this meeting.

Nellie James