Recovery Nation

Action Plans Continued:

9) Be understanding, caring, empathetic and charitable to others
• Practice focused listening when another is speaking to me
• Look for someone to say a kind word to each day
• Offer to help someone each week
• Treat others the way I would like to be treated

10) Be respected as an advisor, mentor, role model for family and friends
• Start by modeling the kind of behavior I would like to see in my children
i) Moderation and self-control
ii) Kindness and Gentleness
iii) Laugh and smile often
v) Pray with my family
• Provide honest feedback and share practical experience with friends and family
• Live a life of integrity
• Treat others the way I would like to be treated

11) Be passionate about living a life filled with fun, happiness, truth and integrity
• Take a bike ride with my family each week
• Learn and repeat a new joke each day
• Practice greater honesty toward my wife in my failings

to be continued.....

12) Reestablish healthy sexual desire and intimacy with my wife

13) Find a renewed sense of confidence and accomplishment

14) Experience true joy in the talents, gifts and opportunities I have been given

15) Share what I have to give with others

Lesson 7 - Action Plans (continued):

11) Be passionate about living a life filled with fun, happiness, truth and integrity
• Take a bike ride with my family each week
• Learn and repeat a new joke each day
• Practice greater honesty toward my wife in my failings

12) Reestablish healthy sexual desire and intimacy with my wife
• Go to bed at the same time most nights; and then,
• Initiate meaningful conversation and share my emotions and vulnerabilities
• Offer verbal confirmations of appreciation, admiration, love
• Include gentle touch / tenderness and express desire;
• Experience sexual activity as a time of fun and enjoyment
• Release myself from the pressure of performance and/or always experiencing emotional depth
• Expect this to be a long process of recovery

13) Find a renewed sense of confidence and accomplishment
• Establish daily, weekly and monthly goals
• Measure performance against those goals
• Celebrate and reward myself for each success
• Share the accomplishment with others

14) Experience true joy in the talents, gifts and opportunities I have been given
• Start each day remembering and counting my blessings
• Offer thanks to God for those blessings
• Be especially gracious in thanking others
• Practice using those talents and gifts as often as possible

15) Share what I have to give with others
• Look for an opportunity to do an act of kindness for someone each day
• Mentor my children with meaningful guidance
• Share my gift for music willingly and often

Lesson 10: Absolute Honesty
This is tough. Took forever just to get through the lesson. Obviously, dishonesty is a big part of the problem. I may need to go over this lesson several times to get it right.

Here are my initial responses:
Lesson 10 Exercises:
I. Lies that I am still perpetuating, deceiving whom, and why?

- I am continually lying about my time to my wife and children. Working late? No, staying after everyone else is gone so as to have time alone in front of the computer. Staying up late to do bills? No, staying up after everyone else is in bed asleep. Working around the house while everyone is out? No, on the internet.
- Lying to my boss about why my performance at work is not what it should be or what I am capable of. Making up excuses when the reality is I am only working a few hours each week because I have all day access to the internet.
- Lying to myself about my addiction and that I am going to stop immediately.
- Unable to explain to my wife why I can no longer perform in bed.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas.
- Yes. At least for now. I am afraid. I want to keep thinking I am working on it and will get there eventually.
But, this at least is an honest answer. Obviously I will need to keep coming back to the part until I get the right answer.

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with.
- I am not working with anyone at this point.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior.
- Don't really need to stash anything since it is right at my fingertips
- The computer / internet at work
- The computer / internet at home
- My phone

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic objects.
- Really only internet fantasy

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
- Internet at home and at work: surfing for porn
- TV Pay per View at home (2 times)
- In bed - smartphone (1 time)

Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

Some of the patterns I worry that I might fall in to:

Patterns of Those Who Will Continue to Struggle With Relapse
• Actively prepare an environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will not be held accountable;
• Concern that they will never be able to overcome their urges, and so their goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.
• Finding comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse for continuing to engage in the behavior.
• Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out.
• Often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Why didn't I cover that up better?" "Why do I cause myself so much pain?")

Patterns of Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse
Some of the patterns I worry that I might fall in to:
• A belief that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.
• A perception of "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.
• Fear of relapse triggers, so their lives continue to be altered because of addiction.
• Tendency to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.
• Consistently measuring the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
• Often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out--extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions--when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives.

Lesson 13 Exercises:

I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery.

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"

• In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
• In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
• In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks; then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months; then acting out. They engage in a weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
• In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves. To see "how far they have come".
• In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
• In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
• In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"
• Have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
• Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
• Perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
• Recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
• Identify their future as a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
• See their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
• Tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This triggers true remorse, temporary depression, and temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, healthier ways.

Based on the lists given, I am pretty confident that I am well into, and perhaps starting to move beyond early recovery. But while I can see a number of the "Middle Recovery" traits, I am definitely not very far along into the middle.

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery?

Not sure I understand the question. But I can see that the patterns associated with middle stage of recovery are certainly congruent with my prioritized values. The kinds of values associated with the examples of unhealthy patterns of recovery definitely do not match my prioritized values.

Exercise 14: Daily Monitoring

I. Develop a Daily Monitoring list:

1. Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?
2. Did I spend at least 30 minutes on my relationship with God today?

o Did I start with prayer, offering myself and my works to God?
o Did I spend time with scripture?
o Did I finish the day remembering and thanking God for my successes, failures and blessings?

3. Did I initiate and spend time in focused conversation with my wife today?

 If not, how many days has it been since I have?
o Did I practice focused listening?
o Did I share my emotions and vulnerabilities?
o Did I offer verbal confirmations of appreciation, admiration, love?

4. Was I attentive to my wife's needs today?
5. Was I truthful in everything I shared with my wife today?
6. Did I spend at least 15 minutes in physical activity today?
7. Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?

o If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
o Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
o If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual exercise my ability to manage these rituals?

8. How much time did I spend with each child today?

o Was it quality time for each of us?
o Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?

9. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at this moment?[/list]

II. For the next two weeks, select a particular time each day (typically, right before going to bed or, just after awakening) and complete this monitoring.

Remember: Spend no more than five minutes in reviewing your Daily Monitoring each day. While it may seem beneficial to spend fifteen minutes or more going over your behavior...this has historically proved to be destructive in the long run. You are establishing a pattern of monitoring that should be quick and natural. Not drawn-out and complex. Also, remember that this list will evolve as you evolve. If you require the same item on your list for more than thirty days in a row...and you have not either 1) ingrained that issue as an area to monitor internally; or, 2) resolved the issue...then you are doing something wrong. Post the issue in the community forum for assistance.

Exercise 15: A Healthy Perception of Behavior

Think of one example of how I have actively integrated what I have learned so far into my day-to-day life.

Awareness – The lessons have helped make sense of the addiction and the behaviors that go along with it. This understanding has already helped me to put my life in perspective. It has given me hope, helped me to begin to build confidence, and to begin making practical changes in how I manage my day and my relationships. Specifically, regarding my relationship with my wife, I have tried to incorporate more frequent, more positive, and more honest communication, along with more physical touch and tenderness.

Lesson 16 Exercise:
Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction. To begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than supernatural. Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.

Simply put, this addiction has become a drug. As I tell my wife, I handle stress in different ways than she does. I keep it all inside and look calm on the outside. But inside I carry all the fears, anxieties, stresses, guilt and life’s pressures that have built up over time, and then self-medicate, using this drug to cope, escape, relax, and hide.

Exercise 17
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. Understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals.

Wow. This took awhile for me to tackle. Pretty intense exercise, and very enlightening. I had not realized there were so many elements that went into it.

Here is what I came up with in the ritual of masturbation:
1. Sensory Stimulation
a. Touch-- to stimulate and produce sexual arousal.
b. Sight—pornography, primarily internet now, formerly strip clubs and magazines
2. Fantasy – Imagery - to create images for sexual gratification. From the computer, with a tremendous loss of time and energy, and the inevitable loss of my ability to reach my full potential, and reduced ability / inability to establish intimacy with my wife.
3. Suspense – Less common, but experience at times when my thought process began anticipating the ritual and entertaining the thought to the point of desire, to the point of suspense, to the point of absolute necessity to find an opportunity to act out.
4. Accomplishment - In succeeding in achieving orgasm.
5. Past – The trauma and memory of an instance of molestation by an uncle
6. Poly-Addictions – Some use of alcohol, though not a primary factor. More of a random occurrence which heightened the overall sexual experience at times.
7. Orgasm – This is the absolute goal and objective, extremely intoxicating, providing absolute euphoria

Exercise 17
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. Understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals.

Wow. This took awhile for me to tackle. Pretty intense exercise, and very enlightening. I had not realized there were so many elements that went into it.

Here is what I came up with in the ritual of masturbation:
1. Sensory Stimulation
a. Touch-- to stimulate and produce sexual arousal.
b. Sight—pornography, primarily internet now, formerly strip clubs and magazines
2. Fantasy – Imagery - to create images for sexual gratification. From the computer, with a tremendous loss of time and energy, and the inevitable loss of my ability to reach my full potential, and reduced ability / inability to establish intimacy with my wife.
3. Suspense – Less common, but experience at times when my thought process began anticipating the ritual and entertaining the thought to the point of desire, to the point of suspense, to the point of absolute necessity to find an opportunity to act out.
4. Accomplishment - In succeeding in achieving orgasm.
5. Past – The trauma and memory of an instance of molestation by an uncle
6. Poly-Addictions – Some use of alcohol, though not a primary factor. More of a random occurrence which heightened the overall sexual experience at times.
7. Orgasm – This is the absolute goal and objective, extremely intoxicating, providing absolute euphoria

Exercise 18

Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.

TIME: The easiest circumstance to relate to time for me is sensory stimulation. This is the “engine” of the addiction and the amount of time invested can be adjusted to fit the opportunity and situation, but more importantly, the ritual pattern has evolved to where the amount of time required grows, but can also be traded off against intensity or against another element of the ritual.

HABITUATION: Again this relates to sensory stimulation. Over time I have sometimes had to include “aids” such as objects / materials to alter the sensation, and / or to change the visual stimulation to potentially more bizarre / extreme situations.

INTENSITY: To me this relates more to suspense than anything. The more I am held in suspense without having an opportunity to engage in the behavior, the greater the intensity of the feelings and the need. Intensity also comes into play in touch.

The role(s) of addiction in my life to date
1. Early childhood – drawing a picture found by others
2. Age 10 – 15 - Awareness of female differences / touching
- With friends, finding a magazine, looking at pictures, acting out
- Introduction to sexuality / molestation by older relative
3. Older teen - More magazines; acting out
- Sexuality with a girlfriend
4. College - Sex with girlfriend; acting out to magazines
- abortions by fiancé; insisted we marry
5. First marriage – sex not enjoyable with wife; continued acting out to magazines
6. Divorce - Affair, sexuality, discontinued acting out to pornography because of new love interest
7. Second Marriage – no use of pornography during early years until job required travel – about 6 years
8. New job - Anxiety over business travel, not being at home, loneliness, boredom
- began acting out to pornography to escape the stress, anxiety, boredom, loneliness
- strip clubs to cope with the boredom
9. Middle age - continued acting out when traveling, exploring new ways to keep it exciting
- worked from home when not traveling – discovered internet porn
- realized the addiction / rituals / compulsive behavior, learned more about the addiction
- began trying to stop, sought counseling, attended SA, engaged / practiced my faith, etc.
10. Job Loss- used porn / acting out to manage the fear, anxiety, depression, feelings of failure and loss
11. Past 5 years – porn use continued as a coping mechanism, emotional crutch, escape
- porn / acting out robbed intimacy from my marriage
- sought solutions, tried harder, worked more urgently / diligently
- found more answers but felt helpless to the power of the addiction
12. Past 2 years - severe financial difficulties and stress
- stressful demands from adopted special needs child
- bankruptcy; foreclosure; move to rental; move back home
- fear, anxiety, depression; compulsion became extreme; hit bottom
- marriage in crisis; poor work performance; negative self-image; lack of focus / energy
13. Past 6 months – found help (this program) and greater commitment and strength to end the addiction

The role(s) of addiction in future transitions in my life
There are many challenges facing me today, including:
- Separation
- Reduced pay / possible job loss / Job change
- Demands of teenage girls
- Continued financial strains
There are additional / continuing / potential challenges in the future, including:
- Possible loss of home / another move - again
- Ongoing Separation / threat of divorce
- Demands of teenage girls
- Continued financial strains
- Death of a loved one

What would it feel like for addiction to come back into my life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would I look for? What actions would I take?
If these events allowed addiction back into my life, I would be devastated.
While fighting the addiction in the past year, the falls / failures have been increasingly painful. After engaging in the ritualistic behavior I have felt more and more dead inside, more helpless, more withdrawn; felt like I must be repulsive to my wife; hated letting her down.
If I did have a relapse, I believe it would most likely be a rapid one time collapse. I would not expect a subtle progression. It would either be one and done, or multiple rapid sessions of engaging in the behavior for a short period. I would not expect to stay in the behavior. The risk is in being alone. The signs would begin with a loss of confidence, then feeling sorry for myself, then an opportunity to be alone, then that feeling of being helpless to prevent it. Unfortunately, my current marital crisis, financial problems, pubescent girls to deal with, possible job loss, possible loss of home, does have be in a very vulnerable place. But at the same time I also feel that I am in a much stronger place, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and thus in better position to resist.
The first action I would try to take would be to remove myself from the situation immediately, and then engage in prayer. I would then try to remember all the pain and hurt caused by my past behavior. Then I would try to recall my future vision, and review my values.

Exercise Twenty-One

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?
- I have failed at growing the business where I am employed because a) I am not a good salesman and don’t desire to be; the goal was probably unattainable in the first place; and c) I have not been focused on doing that and have not been at my best in the role.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
- I have succeeded at developing and deepening my spiritual life because of a) strong desire; b) specific focus and actions; c) persistent effort; d) it is an ongoing and long term goal

C. List one recovery goal and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.
I want to have completed the recovery workshop by January 31st, 2013
- Stage 2 by September 30th (requiring 3 lessons / exercises per week); measure each Friday
- State 3 by November 2nd (requiring 3 lessons / exercises per week); measure each Friday
- Stage 4 by December 14th (requiring 3 lessons / exercises per week); measure each Friday
- Stage 5 by January 31st (requiring 3 lessons / exercises per week); measure each Friday

Exercise 22
1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.
2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual
3. For each element, assign a relative number to the stimulation you think you derive from this particular element.
4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element.
5. Share the above in your personal recovery thread.

Not sure I completely get it, but I think I’m on the right track…

Ritual Measured:
Pornography with Masturbation – I don’t know if this is right, but for me the two always go together to become a single ritual.

Primary Elements Involved:
These are the Key measures from the earlier exercise:
Sensory (Touch and Sight); Orgasm; Accomplishment; Fantasy (Imagery); Suspense; Past; Poly-Addictions

Values assigned:
Physical Stimulation 3
Visual Imagery 3
Orgasm; 3
Accomplishment; 2
Fantasy Imagery 2
Suspense; 1
Past; 1
Poly-Addictions 1

Filters applied:
Physical Stimulation 3
*Time -- Progressively increases the stimulation to the point of orgasm; becomes more critical if time is limited or interrupted. This is at least an 8
*Intensity -- Relatively stable but frequently use aids to increase the intensity; again an 8
*Habituation – Definitely a factor, but more In the middle; 4

Visual Imagery 3
*Time – Can have an impact on what / how much to look at 4
*Intensity – There is an urge to search for more extreme images to increase intensity 6
*Habituation – Again, definitely a factor, but more In the middle; 4
Orgasm; 3
*Time – the time filter is significant in that the desire is to reach orgasm at just the perfect time. Too soon or too late are both frustrating and time is a key factor at work 8
*Intensity – Again, relatively stable but frequently use aids to increase the intensity; 6
*Habituation – the orgasm itself is pretty much pass / fail, but insofar as orgasm is harder to come by due to habituation, it is somewhat of a factor 2
Accomplishment; 2
*Time -- Not a factor, unless time limit or interruptions prevents the accomplishment 2
*Intensity – The intensity does factor into the accomplishment 3
*Habituation – Can’t see much impact, accomplishment is pretty much pass / fail 1
Fantasy (Imagery); 2
*Time – For me, fantasy is not an element that is impacted much by time 1
*Intensity – certainly can be a factor in terms of the stimulation of variety or deviancy 6
*Habituation – has created need for increased variety / deviancy 6
Suspense; 1
*Time – Can be very high in terms of anticipating but having to wait for opportunity 7
*Intensity – not sure; kind of in the middle maybe 4
*Habituation – not sure; kind of in the middle maybe 4
Past; 1
*Time – Can’t see an impact from time filter 1
*Intensity – Not much 2
*Habituation – Habituation actually keeps the past in mind 8
Poly-Addictions 1
*Time – Not really 1
*Intensity – Can be 5
*Habituation – not much 2

Exercise 23
In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery:

The biggest practical application for me right now at least, is in the self-awareness. I really need this as I deal with emotional stresses in my life that I previously would have dealt with by engaging in the same destructive behavior.

Even more however, is the value it can have in relapse prevention. I have been much more “in-tune” as I have continued this program, and the temptation has been less, even when in a state of emotional distress. However, realizing that relapse can occur, this skill will be available to employ the next time I am faced with even greater emotional anxiety, fear and distress.