Recovery Nation

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in--AS YOU ARE ENGAGING IN THEM.

This was not as easy as it appears. Maintaining a focus to maintain “hyper-aware” proved quite difficult it took me a while to gear up to actually realising that I was doing something, as I was actually doing it. Once I did, I found it difficult to stop. By that I mean, I found that almost everything I did, that I do with any regularity, was ritualised, or at least habitual (is there a significant difference between habit and ritual?). From getting out of bed in the morning, to saying goodnight to W__ before going to sleep, it is astounding just how much of my day is taken up with rituals and repetitive sequences of actions.

Something else I realised is that some of the rituals are relatively new, and some are replacements for older rituals. For example, I was absent from the home for a while after discovery. When I came back into the home I was sleeping in a separate room for a while. Then we were sleeping in the same room in separate beds. Now we share the same bed again. Within that time, I have also slept in the couch for a few days following additional disclosure (see lesson 10). What I found startling is that for each of these states, a goodnight ritual existed.

Before I moved out of the home, we had a particular goodnight ritual.

When out of the home, I called to the house regularly, and a doorstep goodnight was sombre and quick, followed by a slow walk up to catch a bus to my mom’s house where I was staying.

When I was sleeping in the spare room after I moved back into the home a new goodnight ritual evolved where I would tuck W__ in before going to my own room.

When I moved back into the bedroom, in a separate bed, this evolved further into a different ritual.

When we moved into the same bed, this changed again.

When I was back on the couch, the ritual became a brief goodnight.

Since I moved back into a shared bed again, a different ritual has evolved.

What I found interesting was that regardless of the situation, the ritual still evolved quite quickly and became repetitive in a matter of a few days. On each occasion that we have been sharing a room & bed, the ritual is different, but again evolved quite quickly.

Morning rituals followed a similar pattern, although I always make the coffee, which in itself is a ritual that I follow rigidly every day. Making W__ tea when I’m having a coffee is a ritual really worthy of the name, from how I line up the cups, to the arm cross-over I do to place the lid back on the sugar bowl woth my left hand while stirring my coffee (her tea is always stirred first) with my right.

I even noticed that a number of items on my Health Monitoring list have become, if not ritualised, then habitual, not just the doing, but how I do them. For example, “Was I attentive to what was going on around me?” started out with me trying to notice the things around me when I was out and about, and going to and coming from work. I now find myself examining the same hedgerows and ditches that I pass each day, looking for new growths or bird or animal sign. I am constantly scanning the river as I walk along its banks.

I get the feeling that rituals, or at least habitual actions, are a huge component not just in my life, but in life in general. So I have to ask myself is: Are my rituals/habits healthy or unhealthy? Do they serve a purpose? Do they contribute to my life in a way that is consistent with my values?

I feel that ritual/habit may serve a purpose in dealing with trivial tasks (e.g. making coffee) and even familiar and more intimate occasions (e.g. goodnight) but may reduce awareness when performing more important tasks. This is something I will try to monitor for a few days.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I was wondering about that, makes sense. Thanx.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.
Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction). [/size]
I guess it all started, or at least the seeds were sown, when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6. I was always shy and lacked self confidence and I used fantasy as an escape. At night I was afraid of the dark, but probably even more afraid of letting anyone know that I was afraid. When I went to bed at night I would escape into fantasy, I was the fearless hero, I was the leader. I called it “the game” and it was almost ritualistic in the way I fantasized every night until sleep finally took me. It was a way of escaping, of distracting myself from the shadows in the dark room.
During the day I often spent time alone, and here fantasy also became a way of keeping myself company and amusing myself. As I got older I was often embedded in fantasy doing the most ordinary things. Probably not totally unusual, but for me it was a constant. I think a lot of value development was lost in these early years as fantasy provided everything I needed in terms of an escape or a comfort. I often felt lonely, despite growing up in a large family, and this escape, this desire for acceptance (which I never really believed I could have) fed the fires.
At a young enough age, 7 or 8 maybe, “the game” developed a romantic element. Innocent, and usually based on whatever matinee has been showing on TV last Sunday afternoon. They also started involving overlap between genuine fantasy and physical reality. For example, I remember one period where I was Robin Hood, setting up camp in the field behind my house in the present. The romantic interest would have been based on whoever played Maid Marion in that movie I had seen a few days before. I think I lost a lot of sleep and established the poor sleep patterns that followed me for decades during those years.
As time progressed, “the game” changed and became more based on reality in the sense that it was played out against the present. Now I was a gang leader, or a crime fighter, whatever as long as I was the boss and the hero. About age 10-11 the romantic element became more “real” as well, and it would be a girl I liked that would play the role. The stage was well set for the onset of puberty.
Masturbation, when it first occurred, happened in total innocence of what I was doing, and the orgasm caught me completely by surprise, as I had no idea such a thing existed. Sex or anything to do with sex, was not discussed in any way at home or anywhere else. I was barely aware of the basic functions, so that first time when I incorporated the physical mimicking of the sexual act into “the game”, I had no idea what would happen.

The progression of “the game” and the gradual inclusion and changing of the romantic element I think is crucial, as I think that this was laying foundation of fantasy escape, coupled with the natural setting to include masturbation in an all out escape which led to addiction.
Once I realized the power and incredible feeling that I could achieve, masturbation became a permanent fixture in “the game”. Even then however, the situation progressively changed.
The fantasy became darker, now I was a vigilante or similar, incorporating violence into the fantasy. Ultimately now as well, masturbation was the goal rather than eventually drifting off to sleep. The “partners” also changed. At first it was either girls I liked (who I knew deep down would never have anything to do with me) or still occasionally movie or TV stars. Gradually, the focus shifted to girls I didn’t like or fancy. I don’t really know why this shift occurred, but I think it is also important. Maybe it was a reflection of my perception, that no one I really liked could ever reciprocate that feeling. Maybe it was to assuage a Catholic conscience that had by this time, been introduced to the concept of masturbation, or “self abuse”. I think I also had a belief that masturbating while fantasizing about a real girl I genuinely fancied might jinx any chance (not that I really believed there ever could be a real chance) of ever getting close to the object of my affections. I regularly fell, and fell hard in “love” as a teenager, but always unstated, and therefore to my mind unrequited.
Still in my mid teens, the fantasy now occasionally included gay scenarios. Was this an extension of the rejection of those I found attractive in my fantasy world? I don’t know for sure, but the added shame and guilt I felt over these episodes most certainly I believe did assist the addiction in its progression and increasing dominance over my life. I was either in a state of guilt/shame when not acting out, or a state of bliss when acting out. The funny thing about the gay element (in fact in retrospect it applies to all masturbation fantasies) is that I never really visualized the object of the fantasy. Once a “target” had been set, I never pictured the person, male or female in any detail. I never even really pictured the sexual acts. I guess the person who was the object of the fantasy became merely a way of putting some personification on the fantasy.
Around this time I also started experimenting with cross dressing. At first, I would dress for a bit in lingerie, then remove them before progressing to masturbation, It was like there was a belief that combining the 2 activities would be 1 step too far. I can’t remember when that boundary was broken, but it was and this became an occasional activity, usually hampered by lack of opportunity. It also incorporated gay fantasy, but again, in a very non-visualized way. In a sense this was probably my first binge pattern, as it often happened when I had the house to myself for a few days.
Also during these same teen years, I engaged in visual stimulus, usually women’s magazines that my mother owned. Pornography was very inaccessible at that time, and in fact, print or video porn is still quite difficult to get hold of here.
I was regularly in trouble when in school, and was a poor student, I found the whole thing boring. Also, misbehaving in school was an attempt to gain acceptance and respect. When I was 15 I was sent to a boy’s boarding school down the country, and here again I used fantasy/masturbation as a comfort blanket to protect me from the isolation and rigid lifestyle imposed there.
For quite a few years, late teens and 20s, things remained pretty much the same. I started working full time when I was 17, and became caught up in partying pretty hard. I also started drinking (not an uncommon pastime here either) regularly. If there wasn’t a party to got to, I would prop up our local bar with some like minded individuals. Not friends, merely people who frequented the same establishment. Most of the friends I did have during my teens emigrated so by the time I was 19-20 I had no real friends, just bar acquaintances, old friends that maybe I saw at Christmas when they came home for a week, and work colleagues. So escape continued unabated.
It was in my 20s that I first encountered real pornography, but even then it was a borrowed magazine or video (twice I think).
It was when I first got the internet that things started changing again (early 30s).
Of course I had heard of internet porn before then, but I was unprepared for what was available on-line. Even with incredibly slow dial up and a very immature internet, I discovered a world I had never dreamed existed.
Once I was on-line, I quickly progressed to an almost daily ritual of coming home from work, switching on the computer, and acting out. I moved from viewing pictures, to trying to view video (postage stamp size still took an age to load in those days). I then progressed to viewing gay images, although that was a novelty that passed fairly quickly. I then moved on to chat rooms, and there I once again dipped into the gay fantasy world, as I realized that it was far easier to find a partner online there than in straight chat rooms.
I also started using cross dressing more, as clothing was now available on-line, removing a big obstacle. Even then though, it was still a binge/purge pattern, I never retained clothing for more than a few days, once the itch has been thoroughly scratched, I was overcome with self loathing and disposed of them. A few months later, another binge would occur.
This progressed for a couple of years, and then I met W__ and got married shortly after. This was my first major relationship, after 35 years.
Everything stopped for a couple of years (I can’t exactly pinpoint when) but slowly masturbation crept in. At first it was an occasional thing, then it led to occasionally viewing pornography.
When we moved from the city centre out to the outer suburbs, things got worse fairly quickly. Between a long commuting, early mornings & getting home late in the evening, weekends spent doing chores and shopping, and almost no social life, I was ready for a full relapse. The fact that we moved to a large house with a separate office did not help as it provided easier access with an early warning system.
Porn started up more regularly, and then chat again. In the time that I had not been engaging on line to any great extent, things had changed completely. The bare text chat rooms were a thing of the past, and bandwidth meant that you could view high quality images and even video clips with relative ease. Uploaded photos in chat profiles were also common now.
This progressed for a couple of years, and then I discovered E-Bay.
Immediately fantasies of cross dressing, and posting photos on chat profiles became constant as clothing could be bought cheaply and discreetly on line. This resulted in a series of binges, again quite widely spread. An interesting side “addiction” was the pursuit of auctions on E-Bay. I was constantly monitoring items that I had bid on, and the searching and purchasing had almost become an addition in itself. In some ways, these buying binges were more important than the actual acting out.
Armed with all of these, I was able to build a chat profile on my preferred site that was designed to attract attention from a wide range of men and result in long chat sessions, culminating in masturbation.
This is ultimately where I was when discovery (I should say final discovery) happened. W__ discovered the profile and, quite rightly, ended the marriage on the spot and asked me to leave which I did. I entered recovery a few days later.
Last year things escalated even further. During a trip to Amsterdam, I used a prostitute for the first and only time. I was in a foul humour for most of the trip, and in myself I had been feeling particularly low for a number of months due to the continuing worsening of our relationship and the atmosphere at home. Just to be clear, I realize this was entirely my fault, and that I did nothing to attempt to improve the situation, however knowing that now does not change the facts as I was them at the time. Wallowing in self pity and feeling particularly hard done by, I succumbed to what I think was a spinning fantasy since we had planned the trip. I had heard all the stories about Amsterdam, and was wired before we got there.
After that I also “went physical” one more time, I kissed a woman outside a bar near our home. This was a further escalation and the really crazy thing here is that we had planned a once in a lifetime trip leaving the following week in an attempt to put things back on track. Of course, that could never happen as long as I was still in addiction (which I had yet to discover) and in the increasingly crazy part of my mind that was completely dominant by this time, I had no belief that it would change anything. Anyway, this happened the night before W__ finally had enough and ended it, not because of this incident which I only finally admitted quite recently, but because she discovered a chat profile I had used.
“The game” had ended up costing me my marriage and my home, and for what? fleeting escapism and pleasure, with no lasting benefit to me or anyone else.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

This is tough, even contemplating some of these scenarios.

Divorce. Obviously this has been a real possibility and it is not something I want to contemplate. Similarly death or serious injury to W__ or D__ or any family member.

Loss of job would probably be hard, as I have never been out of work since I left school nearly 30 years ago. I suspect I would find that particularly difficult to deal with.

Addiction could easily, if I choose to let it take up its old role as a comfort blanket, as an escape from trauma or painful situations.
If history is anything to go by, I suspect that it would be a slow regression if it happened (if I chose to let it happen). With knowledge comes power and with power responsibility. I have chosen the path of power over my life through knowledge. I think that to regress into addiction, no matter what the excuse (not reason, excuse) I would find it intolerable. That, I suspect would lead to a faster regression as I used addiction and acting out to hide from the pain that acting out caused.

Signs?

Isolating would be the big sign for me: lack of contact with supports, family members, friends.
Turning to other artificial “comforts”: alcohol, drugs, even excessive TV etc rather than dealing with whatever the trauma was would be another big warning signal, as it would indicate that I was allowing my life to become unmanageable and acting against my values.

Values – that’s the real sign. The day I stop considering my values, and start striking out and reacting will be the day that I need to wake myself up.

Boredom would be anther give away. If I found myself progressively doing less and feeling listless and irritable, I would need to take action.

What actions would I take?

Depending on the trauma I guess.

Unemployment, especially prolonged unemployment, would probably carry a big danger of boredom and threats to self esteem. To counter this I would need to stay active, maybe go back to full time education, volunteer, take up new interests, anything to ensure that I stayed active and if at all possible, productive in my own mind. This will also include eventual retirement although I do hope to have a much more solid grounding and alternative interests by that stage.

Death or Divorce. Both involve great loss, so I think the reaction and healthy actions would be similar. Reaching out, accepting comfort from people, being able to say “I hurt” and accept the help and support that would be on offer. I have not experienced this type of trauma since I entered recovery, and started allowing my emotions room to express, so I really am not sure how well or badly I would cope with grief and loss on this scale.

Loss of W__ through death or divorce would be particularly traumatic, and would also include the longer term risk that unemployment would bring, i.e. boredom. An empty home after sharing with someone is a very empty home, and boredom and grief do not make healthy companions. Again reaching out and accepting support, and over time engaging with the world in a meaningful way would be my only options.

As regards loss of contact with my values, I think taking Health Monitoring "out of my back pocket" would be an important action to realign myself once more, and to enable me to recover lost contact with my values

I guess in summary, my response to any trauma is not to do as I have done: isolating, turning inwards, being reactive. I would need to be proactive and channel my values to ensure that any response to trauma is appositive one for me. Asking for and accepting support, acceptance of whatever obstacle life has thrown at me, and no matter what, getting back in the saddle and continuing with my forever however painful that may bein the short term.

Aligning my values and learning to trust them will hopefully give me the options to allow me to carry on and stay on the right path, no matter
what happens. I commented when posting my prioritized values list that I felt it was somewhat selfish. Not I begin to see that it must be. Values that depend solely on others could not outlast those that they are dependent on. Values that are selfish (i.e. apply solely to me) are more likely to outlast any traumatic event, but can still allow me to apply them in a way that is valuable and consistent with how I live my life with others.

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

The last week has been a lot slower for me in terms of getting through lessons for a couple of reasons.
I found Lesson 20 difficult to approach and complete, particularly the second part. Also, my schedule was disrupted due to some long conversations with W__ surrounding issues that needed to be resolved and could not be left to sit. I find the time limitations a little frustrating sometimes, especially when life throws a curve ball that takes away from time for other things, but when life issues arise, particularly between me and W__ I feel they must be addressed and not left to fester and grow.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Strange dream last night, not quite sure what to make of it.
I was in the river that runs by our house, at water level. I think I was sketching ducks (not something I do) and my mind wandered and started planning an acting out ritual to the point of writing it down. In anger and disgust I then tore the sheet of paper out and threw it into the river. I woke at this point still feeling the anger. It was one of those dreams where it took a couple of minutes for me to sure that it was a dream and not a memory of something that had really happened. I still felt the disgust at even contemplating this action.

I rarely recall dreams, or am even aware that I have dreamed, and it is a long time since I have had such a vivid recollection of a dream or woken in this state of needing to reassure myself that it was just a dream.

I'm not sure what it all means, if anything. Maybe it is just the subconscious recycling recent events, I have spent some time over the last couple of weeks examining acting out rituals. Or maybe it was my subconscious trying to reaffirm that this is not tolerable behaviour for me. Or maybe it was just a dream.

I'm not much for over analysing dreams, so I guess I'll leave it there, I'm thinking my predominant thought on it is that I am so relieved that even in a dream I was not prepared to follow through with the ritual planning and felt dream emotions of anger and disgust at the thought.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual--but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.

Fantasy

Sensory

Danger

Suspense

Power

Accomplishment

Orgasm

Past

II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).

Fantasy (not in line with my real inclinations) Masturbation

1. Feeling bored or irritable

2. Decide to masturbate (Suspense)

3. Start cycling through fantasy themes (Fantasy, Suspense) (Intensity )

4. Settle on a fantasy and start (Fantasy)

5. Go to bedroom continuing fantasy in my head (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time)

6. Undress continuing fantasy in my head (Fantasy, Sensory, Suspense) (Time, Intensity)

7. Lie down continuing fantasy in my head (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time)

8. Begin touching myself to heighten arousal (Sensory, Suspense) (Habituation )

9. Become deeper embedded in fantasy (Fantasy) (Intensity)

10. Increase use of touch (Sensory) (Habituation, Intensity )

11. Start to masturbate (Sensory)

12. Resist orgasm to prolong experience, stop but continue fantasy (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time, Intensity)

13. Continue touch of sensitive parts to heighten suspense(Sensory, Suspense) (Time) (Habituation, Intensity )

14. Continue masturbating (Fantasy, Sensory)

15. Orgasm (Fantasy, Sensory, Accomplishment) (Intensity)

16. Feel accomplishment in orgasm (Accomplishment)

16. Clean up and ensure no evidence

17. Switch back to “normal” mode (Accomplishment)

Pornography Masturbation

1. Feel bored or listless

2. Decide to view pornography (Fantasy, Suspense)

3. Switch on computer (Suspense, Sensory) (Time)

4. Start browsing & searching (Sensory, Suspense) (Time)

5. Select site and start viewing images (Sensory) (Time, Habituation)

6. Become excited and aroused (Fantasy, Sensory)

7. Continue viewing images (Sensory, Suspense) (Time, Habituation)

8. Start masturbating (Fantasy, Sensory)

9. Stop to prevent orgasm (Suspense, Accomplishment) (Intensity)

10. Repeat 7-9 (Intensity)

11. Find image that provides just that extra bit of stimulation (Sensory, Fantasy, Accomplishment) (Habituation, Intensity)

12. Masturbate to orgasm viewing that image (Sensory, Orgasm, Accomplishment) (Intensity)

13. Close browser and any open windows (Danger)

14. Clean up computer (Danger, Power*)

15. Feel satisfied for a short period (Accomplishment)

* Power = Supreme control of computer environment

Online Chat

1. Decide to go online (Fantasy)

2. Switch on computer (Fantasy, Danger)

3. Browse to chat site (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time )

4. Update my profile (Fantasy, Power) (Time, Habituation, Intensity)

5. Browse chat rooms & view profiles (Fantasy, Sensory, Suspense) (Intensity)

6. Select a chat room & enter (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time)

7. Wait for someone to initiate contact (Suspense, Power) (Time)

8. Receive Private Chat Request (Sensory, Danger, Accomplishment)

9. Scan user’s profile (Sensory, Power) (Intensity)

10. Respond to request (Fantasy, Danger) (Habituation)

11. Respond to questions to match user’s profile likes (Fantasy, Power, Sensory) (Habituation)

12. Start exchanging sexually explicit messages (Fantasy, Sensory, Power, Accomplishment) (Intensity)

13. Touch myself in sensitive areas (Fantasy, Sensory) (Habituation, Intensity)

14. Increase intensity of messages (Fantasy, Sensory, Power) (Habituation, Intensity)

15. Masturbate (Fantasy, Sensory) (Habituation)

16. Orgasm (Fantasy, Orgasm, Power, Accomplishment)

17. Close chat windows and browser (Danger)

18. Clean up computer (Danger, Power)

19. Feel satisfaction at completion (Accomplishment)

Cross Dressing/Masturbation Binge

1. Plan a date when I will have time alone, a weekend or a few days (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time, Intensity)

2. Browse E Bay/Online stores for clothes (Fantasy, Sensory, Suspense , Danger) (Time, Intensity)

3. Purchase clothes or bid on auction (Suspense, Accomplishment) (Time)

4. If bid, win auction (Power, Accomplishment) (Intensity)

5. Await delivery (Suspense, Danger, Fantasy) (Time)

6. Receive delivery (Accomplishment, Fantasy) (Time)

7. Wait for planned date (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time)

8. When date arrives, start fantasizing (Fantasy, Suspense) (Habituation)

9. Undress (Sensory, Suspense) (Time)

10. Dress, touching myself as I do (Fantasy, Sensory, Suspense) (Habituation, Intensity)

11. Fantasize (Fantasy) (Habituation, Fantasy)

12. Continue touching (Fantasy, Sensory) (Intensity)

13. Start masturbating (Fantasy, Sensory) (Intensity, Habituation)

14. Stop to prolong ritual and strengthen fantasy (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time, Habituation)

15. Continue masturbating & touching (Sensory, Fantasy) (Intensity)

16. Orgasm (Sensory, Orgasm)

17. Dress normally, feel accomplishment and satisfied (Accomplishment)

18. Start thinking about next session (Fantasy, Suspense) (Time, Habituation)

There were other isolated incidents that did not form part of a regular ritual, and some escalations that occurred close to starting on the road to recovery that had not yet edveloped to form a ritual. That is not to say that they could/would not have become ritualized, only that I stopped acting out before that could happen.

The some or all of rituals listed would also be combined to form one large ritual, but I think this is a good representation of the component parts as they also occurred in isolation from each other. Where multiple rituals were combined, the individual elements and associated wheel & filter factors would be unchanged.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Disturbing last evening.
I was working on the Online Chat elements and I found I was starting to become triggered.
I stopped working and took a few minutes to clear my head, and left the lesson. I finished up that list this morning.
I was at first angry at myself and disgusted that I could find anything arousing in what I was writing. I'm calmer today, and glad that I was able to come back to the list this morning and complete it with no ill effects.

Discussed it with W__ during our daily check in this evening. As she pointed out, it has been a tough and stressful week in different ways, life stuff mostly and some SA issues that we discussed a couple of days ago. I guess maybe I was in a more vulnerable state of mind, I did feel a little off balance yesterday, and I guess that may have left me more vulnerable to being triggered more easily.

Negative thought: I can still be triggered by this stuff, much as I dislike it

Positive thought: I spotted it quickly and took effective remedial action

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd