Recovery Nation

With that being said I don't know what to say other than I could use some support. My husband and I joined this program, No let me start again I joined this program in April and my husband decided to join in June after yet another slip. He was working with another program "Feed the right wolf" but it came to an end and he started hitting the porn again. So I told him once again about RE and how it had given me so much insight on his struggle and that's how I was able to calmly deal with this latest slip. So he has been actively participating in this program since the begining of June. And all seems to be going well but I still had no one to talk to, to vent to,(ya know what I mean?) So I joined this site "Support Groups.com" what a bad idea everything was going pretty good, people were offering me their support and listening, I even started talking to this younger girl going thru similar things and was telling her all about this site and how it has helped my husband and I, And then some guy with OCD or ADHD or something posted to my post and told me that it was all my fault and that women just blow these things way out of proportion and who the F*** do I think I am to be spying on him? Well first of all I don't spy on him I was talking about something that had happened early in my discovery of his problem and who was he? What does he know about this addiction and the people that it hurts? I was devastated and quickly closed my account. I need someone to talk to as a wife of a porn addict who can you talk to? Certainly not anyone you know, not if you're trying to work it out and support him. Can't really talk to him yet he's still on the defensive, protecting himself. Not really sure where I can turn

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you – Unknown.

my dear me77,
welcome. welcome. welcome. i know you don't want to be in this position - who would? - but i am glad you found rn. you are already finding value in the lessons. you will find great value here as well. we know the pain. sigh. there are many different view points here and i have found many wise women who generously offer their support and wisdom. know that this forum is a SAFE place to post. know that you are not alone on this journey.

Thank you for the response. I am a little gun shy after what I went thru at SupportGroups.com so I hope I can feel at ease to talk again. Thank You again!

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you – Unknown.

Me77,

Welcome. Sorry you are here, but glad RN is here to help all of us. I have only been dealing with my H´s SA for 7 months and only on RN for the past 4 or so. I have read hundreds of posts and have never seen anyone bash someone else on the forum or blame. Folks here do often have different points of view (which I actually find helpful) but they are offered with the utmost respect and care.

Regarding the posts the man made on the other forum, you shouldnt take those comments personally or defend your behavior in anyway. He had no right to comment and you have no reason to explain (unless you really want to!). These comments are likely coming from someone who is really struggling and damaged and venting their personal anger inappropriately towards people they dont know. I once received great advice when dealing with my ex H´s wife, who did some pretty off the wall things and used to say terribly hateful things to me or to my children that were not at all provoked. My boyfriend at the time asked me if I ever got upset when a child or someone not functioning with full mental capacity said something hurtful to me. My response was of course not, they cant help it or they dont know any better. His argument was that my ex´s wife, although a functioning adult in most ways, lacked the emotional maturity to control herself. This didnt make what she said right, nor did it mean I should spend time with her and be OK with her saying hateful things. It just meant to keep it in perspective. The comments were coming from someone with serious issues and I needed to not let those issues become mine.

You can never control what other people do, you can only control how you respond. People here at RN are geniunely concerned about each other and about healing. I say this about the folks from both sides: partners and recovery. We are all here to listen and help support each other through one of the most difficult journeys most of of have faced.

wamh

Me77,

I think you have definitely found the right place! I too have just recently joined, and have also been quite reticent to post much, but I know when I am ready, that it is the right place for me. Right now I am still really only reading posts on the message boards, and have found that the ladies here offer so much tremendously valuable insight. And everyone here seems incredibly respectful.

I have not yet actively started the lessons yet, but intend to very soon. I have been preparing for my husband's formal disclosure with our individual therapists tomorrow. I am scared to death of what I will learn, but it is comforting to know that I will have a path to recovery for myself through RN (in addition to my own therapist). Though thinking I hastily chose a username, and am thinking I may need to come up with a new one that my husband might not so easily recognize.... stumped for now, and suggestions welcome. ;)

Wishing you peace and healthy recovery, Me77!

Thank you wamh and sunlover I truly appreciate the acceptance and thoughtfulness. I am thinking of changing my user name too I seen that my husband after finishing his recovery lesson was viewing posts. I think he was looking for me. Which is fine I guess I have no secrets but he might not appreciate my point of view and my feelings when I am just trying to vent this frustration. You know what I mean? My husband disclosed his activities to me just yesterday. (Prior to this the only way I knew was when I found it) And he told me some things I already knew and some that I didn't really want to know. But none the less it's out and I am glad to not have secrets between us. (That is if he remains on his path to recovery because we've been here before.) I hope all goes well for you and thank you again both of you. me77

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you – Unknown.

Hi me

First, don't change your name, it's perfect--whenever I am posting a response to another, it is always as if I am also speaking to myself--and when I respond to you I really am talking to 'me'

I too am glad you found RN. It is a supportive community and the lessons are invaluable.

That your husband is browsing the partner's forum is not a good think--indicates that his focus is not where it should be, at best; and at worst it could be that he is trying to glean information so that he can say/do the 'right' thing, or he could be doing what you suspect, which he could be doing for any number of reasons, but not many I can think of are necessarily healthy reasons to be doing.

Welcome and Be well.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Welcome me77 and sunlover.

Just a comment on dealing with attacks on forum boards like the one you received me77. A friend from a spiritual forum I participated in for a few years gave me this advice and I do try to remember it even if it's after the fact. :-) Post what you have to say and if the conversation becomes contentious, reply only if it is obvious something you said wasn't understood and needs to be clarified. Otherwise, just let the other posts stand with no comment. Not as a holier-than-thou type thing but just as 'that's-your-stuff' thing. Like I said, this isn't always the easiest thing for me to remember in the moment of feeling attacked but I try. That said, it stinks when forum conversations suddenly disintegrate like that. I finally left that spiritual forum because there was so much arguing constantly going on.

Glad you are both here, me77 and sunlover.

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"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.