Recovery Nation

People I have turned to for support in this crisis:

My dad
My sister
My friends: Mary, Kim, Jen, Robin
My therapist
My doctor
S-Anon meetings
Online friends: Parenting message board, Surviving Infidelity
My children (not in the usual 'support' sense – but they are a source of comfort and joy)

Other people I could turn to if I wanted to:

My minister
Extended family (an aunt and a grandmother)


Other Resources:

Recovery Nation
S-Anon literature
Journaling
Crafting
My pets
Various books
Relaxation techniques


My family is close knit and we've had lots of crises lately, so I've been pretty continuously part of support systems for a while now. I find it rewarding to help my family when they need it, to offer unconditional love and support, to listen without judgment or expectation, etc. In applying my experiences to my own use of a support system, I should remember that my family and friends will most likely be glad to help me, and not view me as a burden. I should also remember to not over-utilize one person or interact in an imbalanced way (constantly dumping on someone without also being supportive of them).

Core Values

Honesty
Motherhood
Self-Reliance
Joy
Balance
Growth
Compassion
Creativity
Courage
Grace


Values as Guidance

Finding balance with all of these values is key to my recovery. Focusing too much on any one area creates stress and turns a healthy pursuit into an unhealthy pursuit. Values such as honest, self-reliance, growth, courage, and grace will help me detach from my husband's addiction and learn to be a confident, mature, healthy woman. These values will help me learn to be a whole, complete person, regardless of what role my husband is playing in my life. Creativity, joy, compassion, and motherhood will bring me happiness even when times are dark.

Self-Reliance

I will stop waiting for my husband (or others) to fix my problems. If I need to take care of an issue, I will do it myself, and promptly.
I will not wait around on my husband. If he is unable to participate in our lives, for whatever reason, I will still pursue a fulfilling, joyful life.

Balance

I've been placing a lot of emphasis on strengthening 'joy' in my life – spending most of my free time crafting or relaxing in other ways. While this is a good thing in theory, I've been excluding other necessary activities – like my RN exercises, for one. I will resume regularly doing RN exercises, working in my diet CBT book, and generally strengthening other values as well as 'joy'.

I will also note when I'm spending too much time dwelling on the negative aspects of my life and consciously remember the positive.

Compassion

I will try to find compassion for the difficult people in my life. I will try to remember that they're not just obstacles or sources of pain, but they are people with their own traumas and struggles.

Creativity

Creativity is a source of great joy for me. I love crafting and gardening as my main sources of stress relief and pleasure. However, I will apply that creativity to problems in my life, trying to find ways to break out of the old ruts I follow. Instead of mindlessly reacting, I will consider my first instinct, and how other options may bring better results.

Courage, Grace, & Honesty

I'm really not sure how to strengthen those values. I think that strengthening my other values in the face of dealing with my husband's sex addiction takes tremendous courage, and perhaps that's enough strengthening. I'm not sure. For grace.. I've been trying not to be snarky and mean-spirited. I've been trying to look for the good in bad situations. And as for honesty.. as in the lesson, I very much subscribed to an 'absolute' version of honesty, and it's been a struggle dealing with the fact that my husband continues to be less than honest with me. I can't change him, so I don't know how to strengthen my value of honesty – if anything, it feels like I have to weaken it if I want to continue in my relationship with my husband. On the other hand, I also recognize that I haven't been fully forthcoming with him, either – mainly as a way to protect myself and insulate myself from disappointments and pain. I can make an effort to be more honest with him about where I am, though I do worry that it will lead me down a path of false expectations (which it has done in the past).

Value Collisions in My Life

I have two main sources of value collisions in my life: my husband and my mother. In the past, whenever one of my values collided with one of my husband's, I often got my way. It was both of our faults – I didn't pay enough attention or put enough emphasis on his needs, but he also failed to voice his feelings very strongly. It led to a lot of problems. Now the opposite is happening.. I'm having to continue to let my values get trampled on while he sorts through his life – apparently his values get priority right now. I have a lot of resentment over this, but it also gives me insight into how he felt in the past.

With my mother, my desires to respect my parents and the way I want to raise my children often collide with with my mother's values (she often ignores my 'parental edicts' or disrespects me as a parent). I haven't figured out the best way to deal with this. I give in on some things and remain firm on other things. It's a constant source of stress.


Anticipating Values in Conflict

I know that my values of honesty and respectfulness will continue to be trampled by my husband until he makes more progress in his recovery. And I know that my mother will continue to make it difficult for me to balance my desire to be respectful to her with the values I'm trying to instill in my children.


Uncompromising Values

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this. I've compromised so much. I know that I will not tolerate further infidelity – so perhaps fidelity or faithfulness is a value I won't compromise.

I re-wrote this lesson because in reading through it, I realized that what I'd written were more like goals than rules. I'm still not sure if I have it right, but I think it's better.

Self-Knowledge
1) During a conflict, I will examine my motives and reactions to determine if they're fair.
2) I will examine my faults and my part in issues that arise.
3) I will listen to other people's assessments of the above, but ultimately make my own judgement.

Growth
1) My growth and personal development is important and very much a priority.
2) I must have time every week to go to SANON and therapy, and do other work as I desire.

Honesty
1) I will be unfailingly honest, though also kind and gentle with the truth.
2) Omitting the truth is the same as lying.
3) I will admit to my faults and my part in issues that arise.
4) If I lie about one aspect of a situation, it's acceptable for my husband to be suspicious of the entire situation.
5) The simple explanation is most often right and should be assumed to be reality, unless proof of other, more unlikely explanations can be given.

Motherhood
1) My children are my ultimate priority.
2) I know how best to care for my children.
3) I will not allow others to unduly influence my parenting.

Joy
1) I need to have joy in my life; time must be made to allow for joyful activities.


Self-Reliance
1) It's important for me to learn self-reliance. If I can reasonably do something without my husband's help, then I will.
2) I will not wait around for my husband to be ready for life – I will lead a joyful, fulfilling life regardless of his ability to participate.

Balance
1) I will track the areas I am working on each week and make sure I don't neglect anything.

Financial Responsibility
1) I will stick to our budget.
2) I will track our expenses in a spreadsheet to make sure we stick to our budget.
3) Financial responsibility is part of being a good parent, and thus is a top priority.

Health
1) I will work on the Beck Diet Solution every day.
2) I will eat Primal/Paleo at least 80% of the time.
3) I will exercise for at least ten minutes a day.

Empathy
1) Every person on this earth is deserving of empathy.
2) The earth itself is deserving of empathy.

Social Support
1) Isolation is unhealthy; I must make an effort to connect with SANON members (two phone calls a week), friends (one phone call a week), to attend homeschool group meetings weekly and to set up playdates for my children.

Communication
1) It's important for me to feel understood, and to understand my husband: I will suggest my we use the 'Couple's Dialogue' more often.
2) I will tell my husband what I'm thinking and feeling more often, while maintaining low expectations for his response.


Scenario From My Past

My husband's use of porn has always made me feel uncomfortable but I never felt like I had the right to ask him not to do it.


Potential Scenario

My mother's failing to respect me as a parent – having firm boundaries will protect my value system.

Major Boundary Violations in the Coming Year

My husband will act out again. I will know by a lack of transparency, missing money, flimsy excuses/explanations. If the acting out is with another person (emotional affair or physical affair), I will leave him. If the acting out is 'lesser' (porn, etc), I will insist on a polygraph to assure myself it's only a lesser offense, I will detach from him, and also insist on him stepping up with whatever recovery work he was letting go.

My husband will fail to fully disclose his acting out within a reasonable time frame. I will detach and tell him that if it's not done by a date I choose, there will be no hope for reconciliation.

My husband will remain in 'dry drunk' mode – staying off his bottom lines, but not doing anything to grow, learn, and mature. I will know because there won't be any improvement in our emotional intimacy and communication. I will state that I need to see X amount of progress or there will be no hope for reconciliation.

My parents' lack of financial discipline will get us into trouble with the mortgage company. If they can't make their portion of the mortgage payment, we'll lose the house. Boundaries will be us not bailing them out financially, and the consequence will be us having to move and not live with them.


Minor Boundary Violations in the Coming Month

My husband will get defensive and/or passive aggressive when we have difficult conversations. Sometimes this takes me a while to notice, but it's usually when I feel very frustrated that I realize it's because he's acting this way. The consequence will be to end the discussion until he can communicate in a healthy way.

My mother will fail to respect my authority as a parent to my children. This happens on an almost daily basis. I will either firmly state my decision, or withdraw from the situation, whichever seems best at the time.

My parents will need to borrow money, taking advantage of the fact that we're in a better place, financially speaking, than they are at the moment. I'm not sure of the respectful way to deal with this, as I don't want to not help them, but I also don't want to put us in a precarious situation unnecessarily. Because my mother will sometimes use the money I give her unwisely, perhaps it would be best to offer to pick up her prescriptions or groceries rather than giving her cash. Sometimes I may have to just say No.

Violating Others' Boundaries

Most recently, we adopted two kittens. My husband had agreed that we could get one kitten; however, when the kids and I went to the shelter, we decided to get a sibling pair. I'm sure this was not his preference, and I did realize it at the time. I didn't do it to be malicious.

Last winter, I told my husband I wanted to date other people for a brief period of time. We came up with a list of rules and boundaries. I followed all of the rules and boundaries we set down, but I do recognize that he would have preferred it if I hadn't done that. I'm not sure if I realized it at the time – I was in a very different place.

My Most Extreme Emotion

The most extreme emotion I've ever felt was the pain following finding out about my husband's betrayal. Every other emotion I've felt before, from losing loved ones to the birth of my children, has paled in comparison.

Irrational Behavior

I engaged in a lot of irrational behavior in response to my husband's sex addiction. The worst was contacting his social group – a group of similarly emotionally/socially immature people – to out him. It only brought me pain, and I should have seen that coming, having had experience with those people before.

Perfect Advice

I would have reminded myself that I know what those people are like, and that they would never shun him because of his sex addiction and betrayal of his family. I would remind myself that contacting these people would mean opening myself up to contact from the other women, and would let them know how much pain I was in.

I wish I could have offered myself advice about how to detach and be healthy, but I know I wouldn't have listened to it at the time.

A. My Options

1. Recommit to the relationship, support him through recovery for as long as it takes.
2. Don't make any decisions – wait and see what happens in another year.
3. Come to terms with a marriage of convenience – move on, but still remain together logistically.
4. Ask for a separation and he moves out.
5. File for divorce.


B. Benefits for Each Option

1. The decision would be made; I wouldn't have the feeling of being 'in limbo'; he'd have as much time as he needs to go through recovery; stability for the kids; our lives would stay pretty much the same.
2. It keeps my options open so I don't feel trapped either way; he gets a chance to work his recovery; I get a chance to work my recovery; another year of stability for the kids.
3. I can move on and learn to let go, hopefully finding peace; he can have the freedom to stay the same or change; stability for the kids and our material quality of life.
4. I can move on and learn to let go; he has the freedom to do whatever he wants; after I deal with my own issues, I'd be free to find a partner who is not a sex addict; I would feel like I was standing up for myself; there could still be a chance of getting back together, should the miraculous happen.
5. I can move on and learn to let go; he has the freedom to do whatever he wants; after I deal with my own issues, I'd be free to find a partner who is not a sex addict; I would feel like I was standing up for myself; as a single parent, I would qualify for a lot of aid and possibly be able to go back to school.

C. Obstacles for Each Option & How To Overcome Them

1. Commit to the marriage. Obstacles: feeling like I'm condoning his behavior; no motivation for him to continue his recovery; possibly agreeing to live with an active sex addict
How to overcome: Honestly, I have no idea. Just hope that things go well?
2. Wait and see. Obstacles: we continue to live in limbo; neither of us feels safe because we don't have a 'commitment' from the other.
How to overcome: Maybe agree to commit to staying in the relationship for one year; set rules and expectations for each other re: communication, growth, etc.
3. Marriage of Convenience. Obstacles: It would be difficult to fully detach and not care if he acts out; loneliness as a result of not having an intimate partnership; the kids would grow up with parents who don't love each other, making a poor role model for marriage.
How to overcome: lots of 12 step work and self-help books; build stronger platonic friendships or have an affair; not sure how to counter the last one.
4. Separation. Obstacles: financial burden, disruption to the children's lives, not having a place to live, childcare duties.
How to overcome: find a job that will allow me to support my family, preferably working when my husband can watch the children; become more frugal in some areas so I'll still have money for some of the treats my children enjoy (birthday presents, etc); try to ensure the kids get plenty of time with their father, grandparents, aunts, and friends; wherever we end up living, create a warm, stable home for them to live in; if we had to move out immediately, we'd have to see if my aunt would let us crash at her place, otherwise I'd have to wait to separate until I can get public housing (about two years); make sure my husband watches the children enough so I can work or get a break; use family to watch the kids so I can work or have a break.
5. Separation. Obstacles: financial burden, disruption to the children's lives, not having a place to live, childcare duties.
How to overcome: find a job that will allow me to support my family, preferably working when my husband can watch the children; become more frugal in some areas so I'll still have money for some of the treats my children enjoy (birthday presents, etc); use state aid for housing, food, childcare, and/or school tuition; try to ensure the kids get plenty of time with their father, grandparents, aunts, and friends; wherever we end up living, create a warm, stable home for them to live in; if we had to move out immediately, we'd have to see if my aunt would let us crash at her place, otherwise I'd have to wait to separate until I can get public housing (about two years); make sure my husband watches the children enough so I can work or get a break; use family to watch the kids so I can work or have a break.

D. My Preference

I'm leaning towards (or have already selected, I guess) taking a wait-and-see approach. I feel like this leaves me an out and doesn't make me feel as trapped, while also giving both of us time to recover and heal. It provides our kids with at least a semblance of stability – if things work out, there's a possibility that they'll never have to know about this mess. However, because of my housing situation (housing being extremely costly, not working, four young kids), I'd most likely have to wait to make a decision until my name comes up on the public housing wait list, regardless of when I'd actually prefer to make a decision. This won't be for another two years at least.

For a second choice.. I'm not sure. Sometimes I lean towards the 'Marriage of Convenience' because it would ensure our materialistic 'quality of life' stays the same, and the kids have some stability. Other times I lean towards separation or divorce.. but that seems almost impossible at the moment. I know that if I didn't have children, I would have already left him.

E. My Husband's Options

1. He will leave the relationship so he can live his life the way he wants.
2. He will try to pull the wool over my eyes, professing recovery but secretly acting out.
3. He will actively commit to recovery and try to become the man I know he can be.

I'm not sure what his true preference is. He says he's trying as hard as he can to get through recovery and learn the skills he needs to be a good husband. But it's still possible that it's all a ploy and he's currently acting out. Who knows? Right now, because of some defensiveness and evasiveness on his part, I'm guessing it's all a scam.

Health Monitoring Area

I can't access that part of the site, it just redirects to the forum.


Past Ways of Health Monitoring Each Other

In the past, I often asked about his happiness and tried to look for clues when he only gave me short answers. Generally speaking, I don't like to dig into other people's lives – even my husband's, I guess – so I never pushed for more information.

I don't think he ever inquired after my emotional health, except perhaps to ask if I'd had a rough day with my mother. I usually volunteered that information to him.


Signs of Mismanagement in My Life

Things that I can look for as signs that I'm not managing my life include more fatigue than usual, frequent feelings of apathy, headaches or stomach problems (potentially a new ulcer), lashing out at the children, a lack of balance on my weekly checklist, focusing overmuch on my husband, focusing too much on a 'distraction': crafting, reading, etc.

Signs of Mismanagement in My Husband's Life

Things that I watch for in my husband include more headaches than usual, more lying down/napping, drinking more Diet Coke, eating unhealthfully, not taking time to do activities he enjoys, a reticence to share with me, missing meetings frequently, grouchiness when he gets home from work.

In the last week, have I taken care of my physical needs? Sleep, healthy food, exercise?

In the last week, where did I find meaning and fulfillment? (6-8 specific events/areas)

In the last week, what brought me down emotionally, or in energy or time?

Taking into consideration the meaning I received this week and the events that were a drain, how well did I do with managing it all?

Is there anything in the coming week that I should prepare for? Any anticipated stressors, or any goals or challenges I'd like to set myself?


Monitoring to be done Saturday evenings before bed.

Hi Raidra,

You’ve been doing such a great job on your lessons, and you have really taken to heart that it is a self directed workshop. Upon realizing that so much time has passed, since I first welcomed you and gave you some feed back, I think it would make the most sense if I respond to your most current posts first.

I see in your weekly monitoring questions, you include the general monitoring questions that are recommended. May I suggest that you add 2 more monitoring questions for yourself that are more personal and specific. Perhaps something about giving time & energy to your crafting and deriving value from that.

In the exercise where you discuss your options and your husband’s options:

Even if it’s not an intentional or deliberate scam, if he is “doing recovery by the numbers” then you are not going to see real and sustained change. This is so very difficult to deal with. I don’t have any good answers beyond, learn to trust your gut, and do your best to focus more on the other values that are best able to provide you with the most fulfillment.

I just want to validate that this is a very real values conflict and it is a hard truth to accept, and even accepting this doesn’t bring you any closer to resolving your reality-based conflict of whether or not to stay or go. Again, if your gut says “don’t decided now, then that is OK.


This is very good insight. I also want to validate your response regarding not really knowing how to overcome your obstacles interfering with your ability/willingness to commit to the marriage.

I need to take a break, now, but I will get back to you on some of your earlier lessons within the next few days. In the mean time, keep up the great work, know that you are not alone, consider my suggestion regarding your weekly monitoring … and do something very nice for yourself today.

Minerva

Thanks very much for the response. You're right about leaving out something personal from the weekly monitoring questions.. I guessed that the crafting or other personal fun stuff would fall into the 'where did I find meaning in the last week' question. I'll think about what questions might be good to add.

We had a rough week last week. On Tuesday, he made a few comments that left me feeling really low down on his list of priorities. It wasn't meanly said, and I don't think he really had any clue that he wasn't taking me into consideration as much as I liked. On Thursday, I finally told him why I'd been distant, and he validated my feelings. Then he did his daily health monitoring with me and told me that he'd noticed that he was starting to fantasize about a stranger but quickly distracted himself and didn't engage in any other compulsive behaviors after that. When I asked (gently) what had been going on with him, what he'd been thinking about, he blamed me for it. He said that because I'd been so upset and distant, he was feeling really confused and upset, and that's why he had the urge to act out. I called him out on it, but it wasn't really until the next day that he was able to take ownership of what he was doing. This was in stark contrast to the week before when he was putting himself in the role of victim without cause - I didn't say anything about it (we were discussing old relationship issues, not anything current), but the next day he told me he'd been thinking about it and realized what he'd been doing. I was really pleased that he came up with that on his own and felt it was a good sign.

Anyway. I'm late with posting my weekly health monitoring, though I did think about the questions on Saturday night.

In the last week, have I taken care of my physical needs? Sleep, healthy food, exercise?
No. I went on a binge, food wise and did not exercise. I slept okay.

In the last week, where did I find meaning and fulfillment? (6-8 specific events/areas)
I really enjoyed crafting. I tried some new crafts, and also worked on creating inventory for my Etsy store (2).
We had a great park day on Tuesday. I got to socialize with some friends, and my kids got to socialize with their friends (1).
I went to S-Anon and found good support and meaning (1).
I spent a lot of time cuddling with my youngest (1).
I had several good conversations with my daughter (1).
I helped my sister as she considered adopting a dog (1).
I worked on our Disney vacation plans (1).

In the last week, what brought me down emotionally, or in energy or time?
My husband - see above issues.

Taking into consideration the meaning I received this week and the events that were a drain, how well did I do with managing it all?
I managed it pretty well, considering. I initially struggled with detaching over his feelings towards me, but when he blamed me, I stood up for myself and protected my boundaries. Other areas of my life helped me compensate for the difficulties with my husband. I do wish I hadn't binged, though.

Is there anything in the coming week that I should prepare for? Any anticipated stressors, or any goals or challenges I'd like to set myself?
I'm anticipating more stress and distance in my relationship with my husband. I'd really like to work on resuming healthy eating habits and working more on RN, S-Anon, etc - to take care of myself and balance out the stress.

Signs of an Unbalanced Life in Myself

Poor eating habits
Not spending time on my own recovery
Increased desire to sleep
Yelling at the kids more often
Withdrawing into a distraction (books, computer, etc)


My Husband's Strengths/Weaknesses in Recovery

In some areas, he's doing well. He attends meetings regularly. He works on RN and reads various SLAA or Patrick Carnes books. He had to switch therapists (insurance reasons) and took total responsibility for that and seems to like his new therapist. He has been sharing with me more regularly – mostly recapping therapy and meetings, but also spontaneously bringing up his insights. He occasionally applies what he's learning to other areas of his life – mainly with our tense relationship with my mother. He's spending a lot of time examining his childhood, which he's never done before.

Other areas are hit or miss. He works some of his top lines semi-regularly. For instance: his top lines include playing guitar, spending time outside, working on a boat he's building, exercise, meditation, healthy eating, etc. The fun things – guitar, being outside, the boat – he does those about 2-3 times a week. He rarely does the less fun things.

His major weakness is transforming his insights into concrete change. He recognizes that he tends towards certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, and says he wants to change them – but I haven't seen that yet. He still chooses to take on the role of victim, make justifications, and blame me for things that aren't my fault. I'm not sure if he's afraid to let go of his past self and his addiction or if it just takes more time. He's still very much wrapped up in himself, though I don't think he recognizes it. Empathy is VERY hard for him.


Signs of an Unbalanced Life in My Husband

I think the signs that his life is becoming unbalanced would be pretty similar to my own warning signs. Withdrawing into distractions (computer, TV, etc), sharing less often with me, a decrease in intimacy, spending more time on the weekends napping, complaining of headaches more often, more stress at work, etc.

In the last week, have I taken care of my physical needs? Sleep, healthy food, exercise?
I did better this week than last. I didn't stick to my diet exactly, but I wasn't out of control. I didn't really exercise, but I went to bed at a decent time a few nights.

In the last week, where did I find meaning and fulfillment? (6-8 specific events/areas)
I got several orders through my Etsy store and worked on filling them (1).
I made several items for my daughter (1).
I spent one-on-one time reading with my second son several days this week (1).
We had a family fun night tonight which was really enjoyable (1).
I went to S-Anon and participated fully in the meeting (1).
I hired a babysitter so I could do a few errands without the kids - the alone time was really nice (1).
I spent some time looking for bugs in the grass with my daughter (1).
I took the kids to a park day - the kids got to play, and I got to socialize with friends (1).

In the last week, what brought me down emotionally, or in energy or time?
Yesterday my sister got a dog, and the dog is aggressive to my dog. This is a problem because my sister is moving in with us. We had to spend a lot of time helping her, and I don't feel like she appreciated it. I also got into a fight with my husband tonight - when I expressed frustration about the day we'd had, he invalidated my feelings.

Taking into consideration the meaning I received this week and the events that were a drain, how well did I do with managing it all?
I did well for most of the week, because everything went fairly smoothly until yesterday and today. I'm handling these new challenges well so far - I did EFT today when I found myself getting very frustrated when my plans were going awry due to my sister's move.

Is there anything in the coming week that I should prepare for? Any anticipated stressors, or any goals or challenges I'd like to set myself?
My sister's dog with be a source of stress, for sure. I'm going to try not to rescue my sister too much, though as this is her first dog, I do feel like I should take the time to help her. I don't mind helping her for the most part, so long as I don't have to rearrange my plans too much. I'd like to work on being more balanced with my life - I've been focusing a lot on the fun (mainly crafting) and neglecting the work (RN et al). I'm going to print out my weekly checklist tonight and make sure I keep up with it.

Three Destructive Behaviors

I spent a lot of time stalking his affair partners. No good came of that, only grief. Further, I contacted his 'bad-influence' friends – an online community – pretending to be him and confessing all. That was a DISASTER – mostly because the other women got involved, too.

I put a keylogger on our computer and spent an inordinate amount of time checking it. I don't know if I would actually do it differently if I could, but I do recognize that it was destructive. Whenever I was checking the history, I felt so horrible – physically, emotionally, mentally.

I made a lot of snap decisions instead of taking my time and thinking things through. Decisions ranging from, “I'm going to go out and date other guys” to “I want a divorce” to “I'm going to try as hard as possible to fix myself up and be adventurous in bed so he'll want me.”




In-Depth Look at a Destructive Behavior

Contacting his online friends:

a) What decision-making process did you engage in before taking this action?
I don't know that I really had a decision-making process. It was very much reactionary—I wanted to hurt him, to expose him to his friends, and to expose the other women to their friends. Part of me knew it was a bad idea – that as they're all as immature and morally bankrupt as he is, I wouldn't get anything good out of it. But I was also tired of doing what I 'should' do – I wanted to be irresponsible, too.

b) How did you feel just prior to taking this action?
I was very, very hurt. I was in a lot of pain, and felt very desperate.

c) How did you feel as you were actively engaged in this action?
I felt good in some ways. It felt good to be doing something. I felt some relief. But I was also very anxious. It took a minute or two before I felt brave enough to hit 'send'.

d) How did you feel after you completed this action?
I felt sort of proud of myself. I often said to my husband, “Well, you obviously prefer bat-shit-crazy whores. And now you've turned me into one. Maybe you'll be happy with me now.” After I contacted those people, I felt like I was turning into more of 'his type' – and that made me feel weirdly satisfied. But mostly, I felt extremely anxious and scared. I knew it wouldn't turn out well. And as I saw their responses, and as it went on for a day or two, I felt a lot of regret. I felt sick to my stomach, and very angry at my husband for associating with these people. It also led to some more disclosure, as one of the other women divulged some of what my husband had told her about my extended family – I was furious at him for sharing that information, which she had just posted on a public message board, and furious at myself for instigating the situation.