Recovery Nation

Lesson thirteen: Healthy recovery patterns

i.

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"

In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm
In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.

In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
They recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.


Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"
They tend to see their past as something rather unbelievable.
They have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.[getting there]
They will have eliminated all previous connections to their recovery, except that which will be included in their ongoing plan for a continuing evaluation and assessment of their life. They will no longer associate themselves with addiction, but with health.

ii. I have no idea how to answer this question

Lesson 15 - and I'm aware I haven't posted on lesson 14.

One thing I'm doing is when I'm contemplating masturbating, or drifting into fantasy, I think of the positive and negative consequences of masturbating... and having 'operationalised' some of my values enough to know what I've committed to not doing makes the decision simpler! Pulling out my values list redirects my attention too.

Another thing I'm doing differently because of this workshop is simply remembering some of the healthy recovery attitudes.... this morning, feeling lousy, I remember that all kinds of people deal with the same kinds of emotions I do, it's not something 'freakish' about me.... and I'm 'powerless' not in some absolute way, but only in the sense that I've not yet learned to manage my life.

I decided to come and post here because I'm drifting somewhat - 'life' has been happening since last week, with a fairly dramatic family crisis, the intention to plan my week in advance has already gone out the window, and I've masturbated a couple of times - one factor in this drift was having a deadline the other day, and that's exactly the kind of pressure I attempt to escape by masturbating.
It was very easy to rationalise this as okay, and perhaps I was right that having a quick orgasm then getting on with the assignment was going to be more helpful than struggling with urges all night.

But then the next day I felt that slight tinge of shame around people that I didn't last week, and, valuing relationship as I do, I realised the importance of, not necessarily quitting masturbating, but pushing back into active recovery. And then today here, relaxed, the thought of looking at porn floated briefly through my mind briefly as an option of something to do - all things that predictably happen a couple of days after I masturbate.

Another factor motivating me to strive towards health is my nephew. He's 3, and is really into playing with his genitals and sometimes wriggling around in my lap and playing around naked. I feel quite secure in my boundaries, but I'm super-aware of my shame and unease being triggered, and I - I just don't want anything to get fuzzy there, and I know that porn over time pushes attraction and arousal in unwanted directions.

Still the main reason for my drift is not having a clear positive vision. I'm reading an excellent book, "Ensouling Language" on writing, and I know that the thought of living a soulful life, and being a writer, touches on something that I yearn for...but it's not quite there yet as a vision. I just get the feeling that if I write down some inspiring vision I'll only let myself down.

Lesson 16 - the positive role of addiction in my life.

When I was seven, a friend introduced my to the idea of rubbing myself against the bed whilst looking at a picture of a pretty girl. A fun thing to do. And it was, it felt really good. From then on I looked to rub myself against things or tense myself up under my desk, at every opportunity. Instant gratification. I remember doing this tensing routine when the teacher gave us something to write in class - I'd pleasure myself for 80% of the time, then do the assignment in the last 20%...so I suppose that's where the habit of using it to reduce tension while procrastinating kicked in.

There was also this mix of pleasure and release of tension when some image came on TV and I'd go and rub myself against the corner of my desk (with my full weight on my arms and genitals - ouch! I now think)...somehow there was a tension that went with the 'naughtiness' of appealing images.

There was also escape from a life that was alternately boring and terrifying, with a family situation where it sometimes seemed I was never left alone yet never kept company either. Just an impossible life for a little fella.

The 'love' bit probably came earlier, I had highly romantic notions from when I was five, and by the time I was a teenager I thought of writing my autobiography in chapters according to the girls I'd had long-term affections for (but never talked to). I think the pleasure there came from the fantasy that someone noticed me and cared for me and liked me in a special way...and that there was something special in me that could recognise such beauty. Also perhaps the fantasy that I'd be able to avoid my parents' mistakes and 'live happily ever after' with someone.

Later on masturbation and porn were clearly escapes from the tension of having assignments to do...and then later escapes from the thoughts of being a failure in many aspects of life....and I remember a few years ago that when I pushed through into a fantasy world, the harshly critical and negative thoughts I'd be having about something that I was stressed about, simply stopped for a while.

Lesson seventeen: elements.

Choosing the ritual of masturbating to fantasy/porn:

Sensory stimulation
- Touch. Touching genitals, nipples, anus, caressing my skin more generally. When I was younger it was much more about pressure on my genitals. Also the feel of my hand in my mouth, or the feel of coming on my stomache.
- Visual - yep, huge visual stimulation from porn.
- Smell, taste - not so prevalent
- Sound - importance of staying quiet, not being overheard - carefully adjusting or muting volume control.

Fantasy
The combination of porn and some sexual experience has made me able to fantasise quite vividly. I have at times 'snapshotted' images in my mind of someone I was having sex with, thinking I'd masturbate to that image later. I often have the same fantasies over and over, usually memories or heightened versions of memories and where they might have gone. A particularly potent fantasy includes elements of touch and power.

Danger
Has at timed centred around the possibility of being caught, especially when I was younger the computer was situated where my mother could walk in any time. When I was 8 or so, a stain appeared on our lounge carpet (looking back it was most likely my mother's hair dye), I thought it was somehow caused by me rubbing myself on the floor, so I was frantic trying to cover it up in some way. Yeah when I was very young keeping an ear out for the door to open was a huge part of the experience.

Suspense - there is the slight suspense of not knowing if a movie will have 'the perfect' scene.
[thinking more of 'romantic behaviour', I once was obsessed with someone who had her dorm room window opposite mine, and I was constantly checking to see if she'd arrived home, and there was the suspense of not knowing when or whether she would come].

Accomplishment
Accomplishing a great feeling, and/or orgasm.
Clicking through websites I'm in a goal-oriented, purposeful mode which in the rest of life I'm not.

Power
Mildly aggressive fantasies of being in a dominant position during sex, anal sex. One reason giving up porn has become more important in recent months was finding out how easy it is now to find clips of more aggressive sex - and how quickly I end up going there even if I start a session only intending to find something beautiful.

Past - don't have an abuse history, but there are probably strong past associations with loneliness, and with the 'freedom'/opportunity when I am left alone in the house.
My parents weren't religious, but I was religious myself, and had very strong beliefs about the evils of sex and rock and roll...and these were mixed up with my love of music and the more permissive values of the magazines I was reading.

'Poly'-addictions - other compulsive behaviours I've engaged in include hyper-religiosity/hypomania....and more often, spending and coffee.

Orgasm - yep. There's often the sense that a porn session can't end until I can orgasm.