Recovery Nation

My healing journey began 3 years ago ... I have learned so much and been through so much … and it’s time for me to revisit all of the lessons in order. When the RN database crashed, most of my thread was still there, but some of it got corrupted and random pieces were lost. Kind of like my healing … mostly there but a bit corrupted and lost, in places. I am healthy enough that I do not have to redo the first exercise (I can’t change the past). I am healthy enough that I had no need or desire to reread my own story. I have restored the original post below. I believe that Parts B and C are no longer part of the first lesson. I briefly skimmed them before copying and pasting them below. I am now redoing the lessons in order, beginning to end. Interesting to see what has changed and what has stayed the same. I look forward to revisiting these exercises as I encounter them in the lessons …

Lesson 1 Part A – share your background in relation to the discovery
(7/30/2008)
I am 47 and my husband of 19 years is 49. I caught him the first time 9 months ago. I was dropping off the kids and running some Sunday morning errands, but I decided to skip the errands and come home. Husband was in the study, with the door closed, which was normal and not unnerving in anyway. When I opened the door I was shocked to see that he was watching and masturbating to a porn video.

I would categorize the “type” or “level” of porn to be playboy or penthouse magazine centerfold come to life. I was so floored and shocked and filled with disbelief I simply closed the door and resumed my chores.

Over the next few hours and the next few days, we talked about how I don’t like it, and that it cannot exist in our home, and he assured me that masturbation was normal. I told him I was OK with masturbation and fantasies in your head, but not OK with looking at images of actual women, and not OK with doing it in the study – it belongs in the bedroom or bathroom. I asked that if the kids used his computer, they should not be able to see where he’s been – and he was very agreeable to that. I thought I understood that he agreed he wasn’t going to do it anymore.

I never mentioned it again, until I caught him a second time, 4 months later. I went to bed to read my book, and he was watching TV. Instead of falling asleep first, as I often did, I just kept reading and waiting for him to come to bed. At some point I went to find him, and as looking to see if he had fallen asleep on the couch, I somehow knew what I would find. The study door was closed, and I immediately assumed porn. When I tried to open the door, I actually found that he had barricaded it, as it has no lock. But he quickly closed the computer window and got opened the door to me, before I could truly process what was going on.

I simply asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t coming to bed with me. So he calmly and lovingly showed me all of the harmless stuff that was still open on his computer. I believed him so easily, that I started confessing all of the terrible things I imagined he was doing, and how bad I felt for being suspicious, and I apologized for not trusting him. But I just had a feeling – maybe it was because of the paper towel stuck in the back of his pants. So I said that I would feel a lot better if I could just look for myself and I took the mouse and I clicked on the history, clicked on a sight and a video of a couple having sex appeared and I looked him in the eye and said “busted”.

He was more freaked out over having lied like that than over getting caught. I spiraled into an emotional hell that I refused to hide from him. He quickly saw that this was an opportunity for everything he loved and valued to all be destroyed and he does not want that to happen. He has given up porn. We are each trying to find our way to rebuild our marriage, because we really do love each other and are deeply committed to living happily together. I joined a very helpful website. I’ve learned a lot. My husband prefers to “do things” rather than “think about things”, so discussions about this are usually initiated and dominated by me. But he’s learning to talk and open up. We both find our discussions to be someone painful and draining, but after a day or two, we seem to be feeling closer.

My husband has no interest in / or is not ready to even consider any kind of a group or website for his support. I am the only person he has discussed this with. As long as he continues to be porn-free, and continues to support what ever I do to get me through this, and continues to show his willingness to repair our relationship, I will not push him to join anything. But he knows that I need to talk things through and write things down to make sense of them. I’m glad I found this Partner’s Forum. I think the exercises will help me structure the way I approach my own healing, so that I can get out of the emotional holes I keep getting stuck in.

Lesson 1 Part B – describe what your final reaction to this crisis will be – how you will ultimately respond to this situation

My final reaction to this crisis, I believe, will be an unobtrusive awareness of a terrible pain I once suffered and eventually healed from. I will occasionally notice the scar, and remember the sadness and remember the pain, without actually feeling it all over again. And then I will gently fold away my thoughts of the past, and resume living in the present. I will take joy in the fact that my husband and I have rebuilt our relationship based on honesty, compassion, true love for each other, accepting each other for who we truly are, not just who we imagine them to be and a special care taken by each of us, to make sure that we never hurt each other to this degree again. I will know I’ve reached this point when I can go many days, weeks or months without this crisis even crossing my mind, because it will simply not be relevant to my current life. When I look at my husband, I will see a loving life partner that I admire and respect. I will feel secure in his love for me and I will not doubt that he has values that are compatible with mine, and that he is comfortably and naturally living within the boundaries that these values dictate.

Lesson 1 Part C – list all of the ways your partner’s compulsive behavior has affected you

 I’ve lost weight. My appetite is decreased and I have to remind myself to eat. I do try to make sure I get some nutrition. I’m loving my new figure, and the compliments I get from friends, family and acquaintances. But I resent lying through my teeth when people ask what kind of diet I’ve been on. The end doesn’t justify the means.
 I have become very much in touch with my inner medusa: I’ve released some very powerful negative emotions, on a regular basis, with alarming intensity, with lasar precision at the core of my husband’s being. This is very different from our normally happy, compatible, laid back and non-confrontational relationship.
 I’ve become highly needy for attention from him. And for him to accept attention from me: I seek out hugs, kisses and affectionate touches – both giving and receiving – for comfort and reassurance. I’ve become much more interested in satisfying both myself and my husband sexually. I feel like I’m trying to get him to undo the feeling of having been so highly disrespected.
 I cringe when I see sexy women, especially provocatively dressed, on TV or in real life and I find myself looking to see how he reacts to them.
 I’ve become hypersensitive - every little thing he says or does or doesn’t say or doesn’t do bothers me and causes me to consider that any of his faults or shortcomings are tied into his porn usage.
 I spend huge amounts of time sitting around processing my thoughts instead of engaging in my hobbies, chores, work and responsibilities. I spend hours per day reading other people’s accounts of how they are dealing with this situation.
 I cry more than I ever have, in my life. I’ve seen him cry a lot more than I’ve ever seen before.
 I tell my husband what I am thinking and what I am feeling, with less regard to whether or not my words will hurt or upset him.
 I sometimes avoid social situations because I feel like I have to protect his dirty little secret, now that he carelessly shared it with me. I’m afraid that my behavior, my body language, or something I say will alter their idealized view of him. I resent that they can still have that view of him.
 I sometimes avoid hanging out with my daughters, because I don’t want them to detect how much turmoil I’ve been in.
 I continue to monitor his internet usage with accountability software. For a while I was compulsively snooping around in his stuff, looking for a porn stash or evidence of past or continued usage.
 I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for him. I sometimes have trouble looking him in the eye. I privately question his ability to use good judgment and self-control in other areas of his life, not just regarding porn. I have permanently lost the blind trust I had always had in him. I sometimes doubt his commitment to being honest with himself and with me. I feel that our marriage is in jeopardy, and worry that he will not live up to my expectations of the amount of time, effort and thought that will need to go into repairing it.

Hi Medusa... I hope you have long, unruly curls in your hair and you are not referring to your personality! :wink:
I first would like to welcome you to RN. The Partners' workshop is invaluable (I'll have to think of a new word but it really is invaluable!). As you work through the lessons here you will learn many things and gain many insights. One thing that you will learn is that abstinence is not recovery. I hope this is a concept that your husband understands. If he truly has an addiction then it will take some real work for him to transition from the addiction into health. Anyhow... you are here and the partners workshop is for you to find strength, balance and healing~so again, welcome.

Dear CoachMel -

Thankyou for your response and your welcome.

As for my name - until recently it was always kind of a joke, based on my potential for unleashing a horrible and highly judgemental temper :twisted: . But yes, as part of accepting who I am and how I looked - I have stopped trying to straighten my unruly curls :roll: .

RE:

I honestly don't know whether he truly has an addiction. I know it was a habit that he kept somewhat moderated (usually 2 or 3 times per month, content limited to things that were very sexual but not overtly hateful or "creepy"). My best guess is that he was very close (on one wide or the other) to the line between mindless habit and true addiction. For now, I will accept abstinence as progress in the right direction. For now, I want to work on my own healing, so that I can increase the amount of time I spend on a daily basis thinking about and engaging in the other aspects of my life, beyond dealing with this crisis.

So here's my response to lesson 1 part b.

My final reaction to this crisis, I believe, will be an unobtrusive awareness of a terrible pain I once suffered and eventually healed from. I will occasionally notice the scar, and remember the sadness and remember the pain, without actually feeling it all over again.

And then I will gently fold away my thoughts of the past, and resume living in the present. I will take joy in the fact that my husband and I have rebuilt our relationship based on honesty, compassion, true love for each other, accepting each other for who we truly are, not just who we imagine them to be and a special care taken by each of us, to make sure that we never hurt each other to this degree again.

I will know IÂ’ve reached this point when I can go many days, weeks or months without this crisis even crossing my mind, because it will simply not be relevant to my current life. When I look at my husband, I will see a loving life partner that I admire and respect. I will feel secure in his love for me and I will not doubt that he has values that are compatible with mine, and that he is comfortably and naturally living within the boundaries that these values dictate.[/quote]

For now, I want to work on my own healing, so that I can increase the amount of time I spend on a daily basis thinking about and engaging in the other aspects of my life, beyond dealing with this crisis.
~excellent.../c this workshop is really designed for you!

It really seems that space you are coming from is total love and compassion and hope/promise for your future with your husband. I admire that. I admire your capacity to separate the man from the monster, so to speak and your love eminates. Your positive attitude is going to take you very far in your healing. {hug}

Be well.

Lesson 1 Part C – list all of the ways your partner’s compulsive behavior has affected you

* IÂ’ve lost weight. My appetite is decreased and I have to remind myself to eat. I do try to make sure I get some nutrition. IÂ’m loving my new figure, and the compliments I get from friends, family and acquaintances. But I resent lying through my teeth when people ask what kind of diet IÂ’ve been on. The end doesnÂ’t justify the means.

* I have become very much in touch with my inner medusa: IÂ’ve released some very powerful negative emotions, on a regular basis, with alarming intensity, with lasar precision at the core of my husbandÂ’s being. This is very different from our normally happy, compatible, laid back and non-confrontational relationship.

* I’ve become highly needy for attention from him. And for him to accept attention from me: I seek out hugs, kisses and affectionate touches – both giving and receiving – for comfort and reassurance. I’ve become much more interested in satisfying both myself and my husband sexually. I feel like I’m trying to get him to undo the feeling of having been so highly disrespected.

*I cringe when I see sexy women, especially provocatively dressed, on TV or in real life and I find myself looking to see how he reacts to them.

* IÂ’ve become hypersensitive - every little thing he says or does or doesnÂ’t say or doesnÂ’t do bothers me and causes me to consider that any of his faults or shortcomings are tied into his porn usage.

* I spend huge amounts of time sitting around processing my thoughts instead of engaging in my hobbies, chores, work and responsibilities. I spend hours per day reading other peopleÂ’s accounts of how they are dealing with this situation.

* I cry more than I ever have, in my life. IÂ’ve seen him cry a lot more than IÂ’ve ever seen before.

* I tell my husband what I am thinking and what I am feeling, with less regard to whether or not my words will hurt or upset him.

* I sometimes avoid social situations because I feel like I have to protect his dirty little secret, now that he carelessly shared it with me. IÂ’m afraid that my behavior, my body language, or something I say will alter their idealized view of him. I resent that they can still have that view of him.

* I sometimes avoid hanging out with my daughters, because I donÂ’t want them to detect how much turmoil IÂ’ve been in.

* I continue to monitor his internet usage with accountability software. For a while I was compulsively snooping around in his stuff, looking for a porn stash or evidence of past or continued usage.

* I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for him. I sometimes have trouble looking him in the eye. I privately question his ability to use good judgment and self-control in other areas of his life, not just regarding porn. I have permanently lost the blind trust I had always had in him. I sometimes doubt his commitment to being honest with himself and with me. I feel that our marriage is in jeopardy, and worry that he will not live up to my expectations of the amount of time, effort and thought that will need to go into repairing it.

I delayed this lesson, because I was afraid I would drown myself in the negative feelings, I was finally starting to stop wallowing in. My husband and I have been sharing some very honest and loving moments, where we having been getting a taste of better times to come. Then Saturday night and Sunday I fell into an emotional hell-hole, but he was able to help me out of it. Today I felt strong enough to look backwards, without fear of returning to that place, and it wasn't so bad. I actually named the negative feelings without reliving them. This is HUGE for me.

Lesson 2 Part A - Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction.
Dear Husband,

These are the emotions that I have been experiencing for the last 5 months. IÂ’ve felt crushed, shocked, disgusted, betrayed, hurt, devastated, angry, contemptuous, terrified, foolish, gullible, duped, judgmental, condemning, embarrassed, shameful, depressed, sad, melancholy, bitter, hateful, vengeful, resentful, self-pitying, unstable, unloved, unworthy, devalued, offended, numb, hopeful, leery, guarded, distrustful, suspicious, paranoid, inconsolable, grief stricken, and terribly disappointed.

Recently, these feelings have been added to the mix, in varying degrees: strong, comforted, loved, peaceful, thankful, confident, revered, determined, optimistic, accepting, relieved. These positive feelings are sometimes sprinkled on or even thickly layered on top of the foundation of negative feelings that crushed what I thought was the foundation of my real life.

I feel hopeful that more positive feelings will be added to the list, and that the negative foundation will eventually dissolve, fade away and be eradicated – totally replaced by a new reality. I feel conflicted between my absolute belief that we will work through this successfully, and an occasional sense of being overwhelmed by a terrible fear that I am kidding myself, or totally blind.


Lesson 2 Part B. A letter from your partner to you.

Dear Wife,

Every single one of your negative feelings is valid, and could have been prevented if I would have used some self-control, and took the time to think about what I was doing. Now I know that I have to do even better than what I should have done all along. I have to think about what I am thinking. I have to think about my feelings and your feelings. I have to think about my values and your values.

I am so sorry that I have not been the man that I led you to believe I was. I want to be the man you always held me to be. I am committed to becoming a man that you respect and love and have confidence in. I need your love and support to do this. I am open to suggestions on things I should be doing, to try to repair the damage IÂ’ve done. Even though IÂ’m afraid, I will read whatever books and websites you guide me too. Once IÂ’ve learned how to explore my feelings, and confront the things IÂ’ve “pushed from my mindÂâ€

A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction.

I am no longer drowning and flailing in the sea of negative emotions that flooded my life 5 months ago. The floodwaters seem to be anywhere from knee deep to shoulder deep. Sometimes I actually am able to step out of them for awhile. Other times thereÂ’s a rip-current that pulls me under, and I feel that same panic again.

My husband has been very responsive to my need for constant reassurance and comfort – we hug, kiss, make eye contact, go out to dinner, cuddle, and enjoy lovemaking as often as we can. He listens when I need to talk or cry. He is growing less uncomfortable with verbally expressing himself, and has finally suggested that he is willing to learn how to do some self-assessment and reflective thinking.

So right now IÂ’m still continuously aware of the crisis, am more focused on how to heal from it, and how to repair my marriage and less focused on how much it hurts.


B. Discuss common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come, and how you will deal with them.

I obsessively and compulsively check into the PartnerÂ’s Forum to see how everyone is doing and to look for words that give me strength. I will need to learn to limit the amount of time I spend doing this, since I need to resume my other life-activities.

Husband gets overwhelmed with professional workload, and works too many hours. I become disappointed, and angry when he does not come home at the times he said he would. I lose the comfort and security I gained when he was making a point of finding time to be with me and the children. To deal with this, we will negotiate days that he will work late and days that he will come home for dinner. I will ask that on days he is unable to come home when promised, he will think to call BEFORE the time he was supposed to leave, instead of after he has already missed the mark. On the days he forgets to do this, I will calmly and lovingly remind him that it is hard for me to have faith in the big promises he is making when he is not fulfilling the small ones.

On occasions that he is home alone, I will worry that he will be tempted to look at porn. I will ask him for the reassurance that I need, and ask him to understand that even though he is acting in a trustworthy manner, I still have fears and doubts. I will continue my subscription to Covenant Eyes monitoring software, so that I don't have to deal with the urge to snoop and search.

When we watch TV and movies, the juvenile sexual humor and highly sexualized portrayals of women trigger my anger, distrust and disgust. If my husband thinks to change the channel, I will thank him for his sensitivity. If he does not, I will simply state that I cannot watch this, and we will turn it off.

I will go several days to a week feeling calm and secure, and then will suddenly be overwhelmed by fears, doubts and memories of the pain. I will dig up old hurts and relive them. Instead of burying them, and trying to protect him from my pain, I will tell him how I feel, and that I need to cry, talk, and be reassured and comforted.

This one really stumped me for a while. I read the lesson over and over. I started to read He Dances Alone, but it really disturbed me. And I didnÂ’t feel it was leading me towards understanding my husbandÂ’s sexualized mind. So I reread the lesson a bunch more times.

A. Think of your partnerÂ’s behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

Very little of my husbandÂ’s behavior that I have seen over 20+ years show patterns that I would attribute to a sexualized mind. Really the only thing is this juvenile humor thing. He laughs heartily at adolescent sexual humor in sit-coms and comedy shows. Every once in a while, he blurts stupidly infantile innuendo comments and seems to think others will find it funny or apropos. Things like – “the Irish guy named Pat McGroinÂâ€

These are the top 10 consequences my partnerÂ’s porn use has had on my life.

1. I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for him. I sometimes have trouble looking him in the eye. I privately question his ability to use good judgment and self-control in other areas of his life, not just regarding porn. I have permanently lost the blind trust I had always had in him. I sometimes doubt his commitment to being honest with himself and with me. I feel that our marriage is in jeopardy, and worry that he will not live up to my expectations of the amount of time, effort and thought that will need to go into repairing it.
2. I spend huge amounts of time sitting around processing my thoughts instead of engaging in my hobbies, chores, work and responsibilities. I spend hours per day reading other peopleÂ’s accounts of how they are dealing with this situation.
3. I cry more than I ever have, in my life. IÂ’ve seen him cry a lot more than IÂ’ve ever seen before.
4. I’ve become highly needy for attention from him. And for him to accept attention from me: I seek out hugs, kisses and affectionate touches – both giving and receiving – for comfort and reassurance. I’ve become much more interested in satisfying both myself and my husband sexually. I feel like I’m trying to get him to undo the feeling of having been so highly disrespected.
5. IÂ’ve become hypersensitive - every little thing he says or does or doesnÂ’t say or doesnÂ’t do bothers me and causes me to consider that any of his faults or shortcomings are tied into his porn usage.
6. I cringe when I see sexy women, especially provocatively dressed, on TV or in real life and I find myself looking to see how he reacts to them.
7. IÂ’ve lost weight. My appetite is decreased and I have to remind myself to eat. I do try to make sure I get some nutrition. IÂ’m loving my new figure, and the compliments I get from friends, family and acquaintances. But I resent lying through my teeth when people ask what kind of diet IÂ’ve been on. The end doesnÂ’t justify the means.
8. I tell my husband what I am thinking and what I am feeling, with less regard to whether or not my words will hurt or upset him.
9. I have become very much in touch with my inner medusa: IÂ’ve released some very powerful negative emotions, on a regular basis, with alarming intensity, with lasar precision at the core of my husbandÂ’s being. This is very different from our normally happy, compatible, laid back and non-confrontational relationship.
10. I sometimes avoid social situations because I feel like I have to protect his dirty little secret, now that he carelessly shared it with me. IÂ’m afraid that my behavior, my body language, or something I say will alter their idealized view of him. I resent that they can still have that view of him.

What if he truly does not have an addiction?? What if there are no deeper darker secrets? What if he is telling me the truth, that his frequency and usage never escalated over time? He sees that my discovery of his casual porn use had a devastating effect on me and our marriage. We have discussed many ideas and feelings and shared many tears in the last few weeks. He has both stated and demonstrated that he values the life we have built together, and will not risk losing that, just for the thrills and pleasure he allowed himself to obtain from porn. We are working very hard to repair the damage done and rebuild our foundation. Along with not viewing porn, he is talking more openly with me, and taking more care to nurture our relationship, instead of taking it a bit for granted.

But if he is not addicted, then what exactly does he need to recover from??? If his usage of porn was - and even over time continued to be - a deliberate choice, what more does he need once he has made a deliberate choice to eliminate it from his life?

One thing I do know is that deep down inside, he does not think that enjoying masturbating to pictures of naked women is as horrible as I think it is. Even though it conflicts with the teachings of his religious upbringing, it does not conflict with the values he learned from society in general. He has not yet resolved whether or not it violates his personal value system. He has very much resolved that it does violate my personal value system and that is enough reason in his mind to stop.

So - is he being untrue to himself if he gives it up, for me?

Are there any good resources that discuss the downside of porn besides 1) it hurts your partner (he knows this) and 2) the potential for horrific addiction down the road (if he's not already addicted and is no longer using, this won't mean much to him)?

medusa

A. Make a list of at least ten values that you strive to base your life upon.

These are my values in alphabetical order – the help me memorize them:
Accountability, Being considerate, Ethics, Fidelity, Friendship, Integrity, Love, Respect, Responsibility, Self understanding.

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

These are my values, listed in the order I thought about them:

Love: My husband’s love for me is so strong and so huge. It is the one great pillar of our relationship that has remained unscathed in this crisis. My love for him – in moments when I can let everything else go – raises my sense of self to an unbounded peace. This is where my strength and resolve comes from.

Self understanding: I am a highly introspective and analytical person – a curse and a blessing. I cannot fool myself and I do not kid myself. I do not bury issues or problems. Now it keeps me in tune with these lessons. I will encourage my husband to engage in some kind of introspection, so that he has the opportunity to experience some very much needed personal growth.

Respect: Right now IÂ’m primarily focused on my self-respect. I will not let the actions of others compromise this. I will not engage in vengeful or willfully hurtful actions that would cause me to compromise this. I will try to act in a manner that allows me to earn the respect of others. I try to focus more attention on the aspects of his character that I still respect. I will keep an open eye and an open mind to changes he might make in himself that will earn back the respect for him that I have lost. I will not tolerate disrespectful behavior from my husband.

Integrity: I will be honest with myself and with my husband about my feelings, even when it is uncomfortable to do so. I will remember that his lies hurt even worse than the porn use, and be ready to hear whatever truths he offers – even if it is painful.

Being considerate: This is a way to show respect and love, on a day to day basis. I like to take the time to think about a person’s needs, wants and comforts to show that I care about them. When I feel that my husband is being inconsiderate, I will remember that he is not being mean or trying to hurt me – he is simply not taking the time to consider my needs, wants and comforts. I am no longer reluctant to ask for things he does not think to give, on his own accord.

Fidelity: I will not compromise on the boundary that porn use is a breach of our marriage contract. Period.

Friendship: I will rely on my friends to help me focus more on the parts of my life that do not revolve around this crisis. I will not deprive them of the untarnished view they have of my husband – they are his friends too. I have one long distance, life long friend that knows of this crisis. I will continue to rely on her support and understanding. For the longest time, my husband and I have lived well together as lovers, life partners and companions. But it seems that we long ago lost touch with the very basics of the friendship we shared, before we became “more than just friendsÂâ€

1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.
The combination of fear and anguish, followed by relief and joy. Four months into my pregnancy, a fairly routine test came out abnormal – could be spina bifida or worse. I had already miscarried once before. My worst fears intensified and fed on each other all night. I wailed and sobbed in anguish over my pending loss. And then to the other extreme. Intense relief and great joy. The next day the level II ultrasound revealed that I had twins (They're 15 now :D ). And thatÂ’s why the tests results were “abnormallyÂâ€

A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.
1. Stay in the marriage and work to repair the damage done and build a new improved foundation together.
2. Stay in the marriage, bury the past and assume my husbandÂ’s current commitment to abstaining from porn usage is permanent. Resume living my life as I did and thought it was before discovery.
3. Stay in the marriage and continue to berate him for his past behavior.
4. Stay in the marriage and emotionally withdraw.
5. Leave the marriage.

B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them.
1. Stay in the marriage and work to repair the damage done and build a new improved foundation together. Benefits: I will be happy and fulfilled and secure. So will he. Our children will reap the benefits of a strong home life. We will have a life even better than the one I thought we did.
2. Stay in the marriage, bury the past and assume my husbandÂ’s current commitment to abstaining from porn usage is permanent. Resume living my life as I did and thought it was before discovery. Benefits: I can return to my life patterns that I abandoned since discovery. Husband will feel relief from the pressure IÂ’ve been putting on him. Avoiding conflict has been a relationship pattern that we have employed for many years - .weÂ’re good at it and its in our comfort zone. The kids would detect nothing amiss.
3. Stay in the marriage and continue to berate him for his past behavior. Benefits: Gives me power in the relationship. Serves as a deterrent to porn usage. Makes me feel morally superior. Relieves internal pressure caused by my emotional turmoil. Reminds him that he could lose me if he doesnÂ’t focus his attention towards making amends.
4. Stay in the marriage and emotionally withdraw. Benefits: Does not disrupt the financial and household interdependence. Does not disrupt community ties. Does not disrupt kidsÂ’ daily routines. Allows me to let go of any expectations I have of him and spares me the disappointment of unmet ones. Husband will not feel the pressure from me to face things he doesnÂ’t want to face or to spend the time he doesnÂ’t think he has.
5. Leave the marriage. Benefits: Would put all of the problems and issues with this in my past. Would not have to wonder if he was truly in recovery. He would not be able to ever cross my boundaries again. I would be able to become emotionally detached from the pain.

C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How?
1. Stay in the marriage and work to repair the damage done and build a new improved foundation together. Obstacles: It takes time and effort. IÂ’ll have to manage my time better and I have to accept that it will not happen overnight. Requires more than just my effort and determination to make this happen. My husband will have to choose to actively participate. He will need to manage his time better. I will have to be patient and understanding of his time constraints. I will have to keep my “control issuesÂâ€

~no kidding! Good for you! :)

~maybe you will be able to go back and rebuild your original foundation with some of those positive feelings included... along with your values and boundaries, of course! If you are simply putting the positive feelings on top of the negative ones... it will be only a matter of time before the negative ones bubble to the surface and your entire structure will crumble! This workshop is designed to recreate the structure so that everything you add on from here on in will only help to support and strenghten that foundation.
~oh~I am being redundant! You already alluded to this! Good then :)

This is completely natural given what has occurred in your life. Stablilty and balance will come as you continue your healing and the fear will dissipate and you will come to differentiate between your instincts and understandable yet unfounded fear.

Good to hear (the awareness with commitment to healing).

This is a natural tendency in the early stages of discovery and healing. You want answers and where else can you go to try find them? Educating yourself is a great thing... but comparing your situation to another's is not necessarily a good thing~unless you simply look for areas that mirror your own to learn from but not to live by~your truth is within you. But none the less, it is nice to be in a place of relatedness and community. The more you learn and heal, the less dependent you will feel on RN and you will learn to find the answers to your questions within yourself through introspection, by educating yourself and by setting up boundaries for yourself according to your personal vision and values. These areas are all covered in the workshop and the work you do now builds to future lessons so continue putting thoughtful effort in and you will reap the benefits of the work you do!

Anger is an exaggerated manifestation of fear. Perhaps you have some sort of fear that you are not good enough. When you really get that his addiction is not because of any way you are or are not... when you are able to make peace with that is when these intense feelings will dissipate.

When he prioritizes his values where do you think you stand? If this is not an addiction and it is just a matter of value conflict then you both get to decide what is more important to you... your value or the relationship. This only applies if this is not an addiction. My husband denied addiction the first time the words flew out of my mouth~ you have done the research and educating on this subject, what do you think? I guess is does not really matter for you or your healing wether or not he is an"addict" ~the trauma and impact has still affected you and you need to find your peace.

~amen, sista! :)

That is powerful!

~good!

~me neither!

This responsibility does not rest on your shoulders alone... I am sure you already know this. I just thought "eek" when I read it so had to verbalize it... you can only control you in this matter~it is up to your husband to hold his end... it's 100 to 100 (you are 100% responsible for you and he is 100% responsible for him and together if you both keep up your end of the deal, the marriage will be rebuilt~together)

~absolutely!

I don't think it is necessarily "right and wrong" what this lesson entails... it is more of a personal account of what values you personally strive to live by. Each individual is accountable for their own actions and so it is up to them to make their own choices between what they feel is "right" and "wrong". Imho, life is all about getting along with one another in all of that grey area and to label things so contrastingly as "right" or "wrong" will only contribute to division and separation/segregation in society, keeping us disconnected and setting up our environment for... well... war! This is all just my opinion, of course... I do get that purpose of humanity has a fundamental commonality but I do not think it can be reduced to right and wrong. Real love has no opposite~it is a state of being.
[quote]This was hard – because when I look at my intense behaviors, or extreme behaviors – theyÂ’re usually very rational-based. I like to say “I donÂ’t lose my temper, I unleash itÂâ€

Dear Coach Mel,

Thank you for your thorough and encouraging response. From your thread, I understand that you are going through a challenging time – my thoughts, prayers and hopes are with you.


As a family, we recently watched the movie “The Next Karate KidÂâ€