Frequently Asked Questions

What is sexual addiction?

Sexual Addiction is one of the most frequently misunderstood terms in behavioral health. To understand what sexual addiction is, let us first examine what it is not. Sexual Addiction is not a disease--by AMA standards. It is not an excuse for having marital affairs, nor is it a defense in criminal proceedings involving sexual behavior. It is neither rare, nor incurable. Sexual addiction is not found in the majority of rapists and stalkers. The vast majority of sexual addicts are no more likely to engage in child molestation or rape than a randomly-selected stranger. In fact, many times, the sexual addict is actually less likely to engage in such behaviors due to their skewed value system. So then, what is sexual addiction?

 

Sexual addiction is nothing more than a continuing pattern of unwanted compulsive sexual behavior that has had a negative impact on an individual's personal, social and/or economic standing. Let's break the most important parts of that sentence down:

 

"A Continuing Pattern" An occasional session of masturbation, a single affair, even a past series of date rapes do not constitute a continuing pattern. Sexual addiction is defined by an ongoing series of sexual behaviors, including the preoccupation with and the planning of those behaviors. Usually, these patterns become more and more ritualized, and this ritualization often serves as a measuring stick for the extent of their addiction.

 

"Unwanted" If someone is engaged in sexual behavior of their choosing, even when this behavior brings about significant negative consequences, this does not, in and of itself, warrant a definition of addiction. To be addicted, the person in question must have, at some point, felt the desire to stop (even if that desire no longer exists).

 

"Compulsive Sexual Behavior" The key to this phrase is the term "sexual behavior"--which should be interpreted loosely. Sexual behavior involves ANY type of sexual behavior--including sexual preoccupation, rumination and fantasy. Someone who can't stop thinking about sex can incur consequences that are just as significant as someone actually engaged in the behaviors themselves. The overwhelming majority of compulsive sexual behavior comes from "victimless" behavior--masturbation, prostitution, pornography, promiscuity. This, however, should never be misconstrued to think that the addiction isn't as severe, or as potentially devastating as those involving the more rare behaviors such as rape, stalking and molestation.

 

"Negative Impact" Add to this self-explanatory phrase, "or the potential for a negative impact--should the behavior(s) be discovered."

 

"Personal, Social or Economic Standing" What constitutes "negative impact"? Just about anything can have a negative impact on a person's life. Most often, sexual addiction negatively impacts people in the following ways:

Personal: Negative feelings frequently are exhibited through guilt and shame, low self-esteem, depression, thoughts of suicide and/or self-mutilation. Frequently, the dependence on other targets such as drugs and alcohol or gambling stem from the same addictive processes that trigger the sexual behavior. One's self-identity becomes distorted, either through delusions of sexual grandeur or through self-loathing. Both can be devastating to maintaining balance and satisfaction in one's life.

 

Social: Existing interpersonal relationships become strained or destroyed. The need for secrecy inhibits the development of intimacy, especially with long-term romantic partners, friends and family. Over time, few new long-term relationships are built as the longer the addiction progresses, the more social interactions become either an active part of the addiction, or a means of distraction.

 

Economic: Often, the discovery of one's involvement in socially deviant and/or criminal behavior can have a devastating effect on one's career. Overtly, behaviors such as sexual harassment, an arrest for statutory rape, a child molestation conviction can mean not only the immediate loss of employment, but the exclusion of certain types of careers. Subtly, even constant ruminations and fantasies can keep people from reaching their full professional potential. The noted exception to this is the dual sexual addict/workaholic--who tends to excel in just about all areas professionally.

More important than the definition of sexual addiction, is the personal definition of a "sexual addict". How do you know if someone is a sexual addict? What does it mean to be a sexual addict? Is there anything that can be done, once the diagnosis of "sexual addict" is made? When trying to define whether or not someone is a sexual addict, keep this in mind: it doesn't matter. If someone is displaying sexual behavior that is for some reason or another having a negative impact on your life (or theirs), then something needs to be done. No matter if that behavior meets the definition of "addiction"; no matter if the person meets the criteria for "an addict". Nobody ever recovers from a label, they recover from their reliance on an unhealthy pattern of thoughts and behaviors.All it means to be a sexual addict is that an individual is currently displaying a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that is having a negative impact on their life. They still have the same types of sincere feelings, good thoughts and emotional quirks that are a part of us all. In a nutshell, they have learned to use sexual behavior to manage their emotions (temporarily). Just as others sometimes balance their emotions with food, or cigarettes, or spending, or alcohol, sexual addicts use sexual thoughts and behavior to manage theirs.

 

Unfortunately, like other addictions, this type of stress management is quite effective for immediate relief, but the negative impact that is felt later tends to only increase the stress that they feel. Thus, the need for even more "stress management". It's a vicious cycle that at some point gets completely out of hand and the person eventually loses touch with society's values and begins to depend on sexual behavior to regulate feelings. This is one reason why it is so important to get this person into a recovery program that includes an emphasis on personal and social values. Without it, recovery will just be a matter of replacing one unhealthy behavior pattern with another. That is a dangerous and destructive proposition

 

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What is love addiction?

Like sexual addiction, love addiction is nothing more than a unique way of regulating emotions. Like sexual addiction, its consequences can have an absolutely devastating effect to those suffering from this type of pattern. There is very little that can be added to Love Addiction, that hasn't already been said above, except to define the behaviors frequently associated with Love Addiction.

 

Love Addiction usually involves a pattern of frequent relationships that often begin with intense passion and which end relatively quickly. A variation of this is the involvement in long-term relationships with dramatic highs/lows, thus simulating a similar range of emotions as that found in short-term relationships. Often, these relationships are staggered, with multiple, simultaneous relationships taking place at different stages within the unique pattern. As the pattern continues, the negative impact that the "low cycles" have on a person's esteem becomes greater and greater. Of course, this then causes a more definitive need for a new relationship (or new commitment to an ongoing relationship).

 

Those involved in a pattern of love addiction do not continue such a pattern knowingly. It is their absolute belief that the current person is the one that was meant for them, and that they will be together for the rest of their lives. In fact, it is in this exact thought process that provides so much comfort and relief. In it's extreme form, that of romantic delusions, love addiction can lead to the horrific stalking and violence episodes often portrayed in the news. Suicide and self-mutilation is also common in extreme cases. Most often though, love addicts tend to have a low self-esteem, are uncomfortable in social situations and rarely maintain successful careers. One exception to this profile is the successful professional suffering from romantic delusions involving the rescue of someone in distress. In such a scenario, the love addict frequently fantasizes about walking into a fast food restaurant (or hiring a maid or some other person from a significantly lower economic class/culture) and falling instantly in love with this person--proceeding to take on the role of their savior.

 

Love Addiction is one of the more difficult addictions to identify, as it is so easily masked in today's society. Additionally, with addictions like sex and gambling, the behaviors are fairly easy to identify and the consequences pretty straight forward. This is not always the case with Love Addiction, where the self-perceptions and destructive behaviors are often in the mind of the Love Addict, not necessarily in their outward behavior

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What is porn addiction?

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Am I addicted?

Screening for addiction has value when that screening serves a specific purpose. In treatment, it is to help clinicians evaluate the severity of the issues at hand. Here, there is no need for such a tool. Everything you need to know regarding whether or not you have a problem can be evaluated based on a single question, "Is the behavior causing problems?"

 

Do note, it does not say 'is the behavior causing you problems', but rather, it asks you to consider whether or not the behaviors in question are causing problems for anyone. Your partner. Your employer. Your friends. Yourself. If your behavior is causing problems, then action is needed. Some type of action--and that is all you need to know to move forward. In the grand scheme of human behavior, addiction is obviously more complex than just "is it causing a problem", but in determining whether or not to pursue change in your life--that is all you need to know. Are your thoughts/behaviors causing a problem in your life or in the lives of those around you? Everything beyond an answer to that question should be geared towards the change process...not the evaluation process.

 

"I don't believe that I have an addiction. Since addiction recovery doesn't apply to me, what should I do?"

 

Acting with passion, obsession or compulsion towards a particular event or object does not constitute an addiction. Masturbating daily to pictures downloaded from the internet, having your fourth affair in the past year, stalking an ex-wife or neighbor--none of these behaviors can determine whether or not you are addicted. To do that, questions need to be asked:

 

"How long has this behavior been going on? Do you feel guilty about performing these behaviors? Have you ever tried to stop? What are the consequences (or potential consequences if caught) of this behavior? Are the actions getting more and more frequent, or more involved? Do you think about the behavior when not engaging in it?"

 

These are just some of the questions that need to be asked, and it is why we strongly recommend seeking an experienced professional to help in assessing where you are and where you need to go.

 

With that said...

Whether or not you have an addiction is completely irrelevant in the process of recovery.

 

For some, labeling themselves an "addict" will bring a temporary clarification to what is most likely a confusing and unstable time in their life. This clarity will open the door for a re-evaluation of their life, and allow them to make decisions that will enable them to begin the recovery process. For others, labeling themselves an "addict" will only serve to further degrade their self-esteem, and will actually hinder their pursuit of a healthy, satisfying lifestyle. By no longer seeing themselves as individual people making individual choices, they begin to see themselves as "addicts" who are not completely in control of the decisions they make. Couple that with society's perception that sexual addicts rarely, if ever recover and these generalized feelings tend to expand the guilt and shame (feelings which can be catalysts for further addictive behavior) from past behaviors, to now include the present and future, as well. The results of such an expansion can be overwhelming for the person experiencing the behaviors and can actually serve to undermine their commitment to recovery.

 

What is important is to acknowledge whether or not you are engaging in sexual and/or romantic behavior that is having, or could be having a negative impact on your life. If you are, then don't waste time wondering whether you should label yourself "an addict", or whether or not if you meet the criteria for "an addiction". If you are currently struggling with sexual and/or romantic behaviors, no matter how small these behaviors may seem, you have the opportunity and responsibility to do something about it. "How do I know if I have an addiction?" This can be tricky as there is no absolute set of rules to go by for every individual. Some people can have affairs, masturbate, view pornography, fall "instantly" in love, etc. and certainly not be addicted to those behaviors. There are, however, a clear set of questions you should ask yourself that will help you to determine whether or not a problem exists.If you are unsure of whether or not you should seek treatment for sexual and/or romantic behavior, ask yourself these questions:

• Do the potential long-term effects of this behavior significantly outweigh the immediate satisfaction gained from performing it? If, in your opinion, the behavior appears to be a means of receiving immediate gratification, without regard to the lasting effects to themselves or those around them, the you should seek assistance in exploring this.

• Have you ever promised to stop? If you have voiced a promise to stop performing a particular behavior, even if you have not yet had the opportunity to follow through with that promise, you should seek treatment. That may seem harsh, but the rationale is valid: your promise to stop is a verification of conflict between your values and your behavior, and such a conflict needs resolution. Simply expecting yourself to stop on your own is unrealistic, and may actually hasten the addictive process. Can a person permanently stop on their own? Absolutely. But it rarely happens. Seek assistance through a self-management program or counselor to assure that your behavior changes.

• Is this a behavior that is being done in secret? Like the promise to stop, anyone that feels the need to perform sexual behavior and keep them secret knows that there is a conflict between what is socially acceptable and what isn't. Still, they continue to perform the behaviors that they know to be wrong in exchange for the immediate gratification they receive. This indicates a problem that needs to be addressed.

• Does this behavior appear to be a part of a pattern? Examine other behaviors that you engage in. Look for similar compulsive behaviors, and not just sexual and/or romantic, that appear to be a part of an addictive pattern. Usually, these behaviors will tend to be obvious in particular areas, and will emphasize the theme of immediate gratification over long-term satisfaction. Compulsive shopping, eating, exercising: these are just a few that can indicate a pattern of emotional self-regulation that indicates the need for some type of intervention--especially when found in conjunction with compulsive sexual and/or romantic behavior.

• Does the behavior appear to be completely out of character for who you believe yourself to be? Or the person that you want others to think that you are? For you to have recognized a behavior pattern that is totally out of context for who you believe yourself to be is a strong sign that you have developed a dual (secret) lifestyle--which can be indicative of a rather advanced pattern of addiction.

• Are you trying to cover for your behavior through lies and secrecy? Just because someone lies about having an affair, or how a particular pornographic item was downloaded from the internet does not necessarily indicate addiction. By nature, people try to avoid uncomfortable feelings and frequently do so by lies and avoidance. But, the more pronounced and elaborate the lies become, the more indicative of a pattern of preoccupation and value conflict--and thus the more pronounced the addiction. In its extreme, murder and suicide may even be considered to maintain the aura of secrecy.

Answer these questions with absolute honesty and you will know whether or not you need help.

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Is my partner addicted?

The following Sexual Addiction Awareness pamphlet is a collaboration between renowned addiction author Shelly Marshall of Day-by-Day.org and Jonathan Marsh of Recovery Nation. It was designed to assist partners in identifying common signs of sexual addiction within a relationship, and what to do when those signs are recognized. To download, click here.

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What is a health based recovery?

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