How Could I Not Have Seen the Signs?

For many, the aftermath of discovering a partner's sexually compulsive behavior involves the evaluation of the roles that you might have played in that addiction's development. You might be wondering if you would have only seen the signs more clearly, if you had only been able to change certain aspects of the relationship, could things have turned out differently. Going back through the relationship will no doubt trigger many events where you will think that you 'should have known' something was wrong, but were too blind to see it. Erase these thoughts from your head as quickly as possible.

That you have been deceived, manipulated, disregarded and otherwise taken for granted is one of the most consistent elements of sexual addiction: the ability for the addict to live two completely contradicting lives. The first, and the one in which you play a big role, is the "social" life. Here, you are likely the foundation for much of their morality, stability and 'normalcy'. It is through you and your relationship (along with their career, kids, hobbies, etc.) that their social identity is established. Even in conflict and distress, the role that you play in your partner's life is to be their foundation for how they believe others perceive them.

The other life is lived in secret. It is an intensely personal relationship that has few social values and boundaries. While a social life is lived in reality; a secret life is experienced through fantasy and emotion. Even when engaging in social behavior involving very real people, while influenced by the emotional patterns associated with addiction, the only values/boundaries they experience stem from what 'feels right' in the here and now. This has many implications to you as you try to make sense of the 'why' of their behavior--too many to get into here. But in terms of lying, manipulating, risking family and your marriage, and the hundreds of other irrational actions taken by your partner, it is critical that you understand about this secret identity. This insight is not intended to be used in generating forgiveness, or for reducing personal responsibility for your partner's actions. Not at all. But it is necessary to understand in terms of eliminating addiction from their life.

If your partner has developed a sexual addiction, you can be certain that they have such a dual-life established. WIth this in place, all behaviors associated with that addiction--including the covering-up of those patterns--can only be described in the context of emotional immaturity. In other words, while they may be extremely deficient in emotional management skills, they have mastered the ability to protect their secret identity at all costs. The lengths that some addicts go to protect this identity are beyond belief. So, it was never a matter of 'you being blind' to your partner's addiction, it has always been a matter of your partner being a master at protecting his secrets. A healthy relationship should not require the type of snooping and distrust that would have been required for you to discover this behavior earlier. That you trusted your partner is a good thing. That you accepted them as they presented themselves is a good thing. It is they who needs to change, not you.