Why Is Honesty an Unrealistic Expectation?

It seems silly to suggest that a person cannot be honest. Honesty, when you break it down, is a very simple skill to perfect. Few things can be more black and white in a person's life. Were you or weren't you honest? Yet the inability for a person with a sexual addiction to be honest--even with the most compassionate, forgiving, understanding partner there to encourage it--remains the single greatest destructive influence on a relationship, as well as the single biggest obstacle in rebuilding the relationship.

Why is this? It makes no sense. As a partner, what you are seeking is the truth. You want your partner to open up all of the secrets so that you know exactly what you are dealing with. In your heart, you sincerely want to work through this crisis and are willing to accept most anything that may come along--except dishonesty.

Inevitably, what is discovered down the road is exactly that. More deception. More lies. More distractions and ommissions. More accusations. It's a miserable foundation for a relationship and one that should be wholly unnecessary to anyone with a rational mind.

Sadly, expecting that your partner will be completely honest with you upon the discovery of an addiction is unrealistic. Why? Because you are not dealing with a rational mind. You are dealing with an emotionally immature mind who has developed a pattern--a need--to seek immediate relief, versus long-term consequence. Do they know that they are lying to you? Yes. Contrary to the clouded picture of the situations that they are presenting. Can they stop their lying? Yes. But to expect them to is akin to expecting them to stop their acting out just becasue they have made the decision to do so. Recovery takes time and the redevelopment of many life management skills. Being honest also requires the development of many life management skills--most important of which is the ability to integrate their social identity with their internal values. It is to eliminate the dual life. And until the desire to hold on to this secret life has been extinguished, the lies will continue to protect those secrets. It's a sad fact of early addiction recovery. And it is one of the reasons why the Recovery Workshop encourages that all 'secrets' be expunged as soon as possible.

Thankfully, as emotional maturity develops, the need to lie to protect themselves ends...and the ability to communicate openly and honestly is something that is valued greatly.

Note: nothing written above is to suggest that your partner should be held less responsible for being dishonest in their recovery. On the contrary. They must be held accountable for all of their actions--both healthy and destructive. The reality of honesty in recovery is being pointed out here only so that you can develop your own realistic expectations.