How do I know if it is an actual addiction?

This can be tricky as there is no absolute set of rules to go by for every individual. Some people can have affairs, masturbate, view pornography, fall "instantly" in love, etc. and certainly not be addicted to those behaviors. There are, however, a clear set of questions you should ask yourself that will help you to determine whether or not a problem exists.

If you are unsure of whether or not a family member or friend should seek treatment for sexual and/or romantic behavior, ask yourself these questions:

• Do the potential long-term effects of this behavior significantly outweigh the immediate satisfaction gained from performing it? If, in your opinion, the behavior appears to be a means of receiving immediate gratification, without regard to the lasting effects to themselves or those around them, the person should seek assistance in exploring this.

• Has the person displaying this behavior ever promised to stop? If the person has voiced a promise to stop performing a behavior, even if they have not had the opportunity to follow through with that promise, they should seek treatment. That may seem harsh, but the rationale is valid: their promise to stop is a verification of conflict between their values and their behavior, and such a conflict needs resolution. Simply expecting someone to stop on their own is unrealistic, and may actually hasten the addictive process. Can a person permanently stop on their own? Absolutely. But it rarely happens. Encourage this person to seek assistance through a self-management program or counselor to assure their success.

• Is this a behavior that is being done in secret? Like the promise to stop, anyone that feels the need to perform sexual behavior and keep them secret knows that there is a conflict between what is socially acceptable and what isn't. Still, they continue to perform the behaviors that they know to be wrong in exchange for the immediate gratification they receive. This indicates a problem that needs to be addressed.

• Does this behavior appear to be a part of a pattern? Examine other behaviors that this person exhibits. Look for similar compulsive behaviors, and not just sexual and/or romantic, that appear to be a part of an addictive pattern. Usually, these behaviors will tend to be obvious in particular areas, and will emphasize the theme of immediate gratification over long-term satisfaction. Compulsive shopping, eating, exercising: these are just a few that can indicate a pattern of emotional self-regulation that indicates the need for some type of intervention--especially when found in conjunction with compulsive sexual and/or romantic behavior.

• Does the behavior appear to be completely out of character for this person? For you to have discovered a behavior pattern in a close friend or family member that is totally out of context for who you believed that person to be, is a strong sign that this person has developed a dual (secret) lifestyle--which can be indicative of a rather advanced pattern of addiction.

• Is this person trying to cover for their behavior through lies and secrecy? Just because someone lies about having an affair, or how a particular pornographic item was downloaded from the internet does not necessarily indicate addiction. By nature, people try to avoid uncomfortable feelings and frequently do so by lies and avoidance. But, the more pronounced and elaborate the lies become, the more indicative of a pattern of preoccupation and value conflict--and thus the more pronounced the addiction. In its extreme, murder and suicide may even be considered to maintain the aura of secrecy.

Now, with this said, know that whether or not your partner has an addiction is irrelevant in the need for seeking help. If your partner's behavior is causing problems in your relationship, action must be taken.