How can I best help them in their recovery?

Discovering that a loved one is struggling with sexually compulsive behavior is a traumatic event. For many, the inclination to help that person is common, but how? The answer, especially when the person needing help is your romantic partner, is quite complex. There are many issues involved in laying the foundation for a healthy recovery that even your most well-intentioned efforts may make harder.

Your role as a friend or loved one is to identify the need for help, then to educate that person to the resources available to help themselves or, when such behavior is deemed life-threatening, you have a responsibility to get the resources to that person. Beyond that, there is little that you can do for that person.

There are, however, things you must do for yourself. They are:

• Set firm boundaries: Do not allow yourself to be manipulated through emotions such as guilt, pity or anger (for not trusting them). In recovery, once a clear set of consequences are set for certain behaviors, follow through with those consequences. When a compulsive behavior is performed, do not minimize the behavior or the consequence. Not only will this save you the gut-wrenching task of having to do the impossible: measure the intentions of the person displaying the behavior, it will also save the person displaying the behavior from having to lie to you. Destroying secrecy should be a critical element in all healthy recovery programs.

• Maintain balance in your own life: Do not become consumed with your loved one's recovery program, or with a potential relapse. If your goal is to build a healthy relationship with the person in recovery (or actively involved in compulsive behavior), you must do your part to role model a healthy lifestyle. Becoming consumed with recovery changes the focus of your relationship from health, to illness. Though some comfort may be found in such a care-giving role, it is not nearly the comfort that can be obtained by establishing a long-term healthy relationship.

• Do not take responsibility for their behavior: All behavior, and the consequences of their behavior, are the sole responsibility of those performing them. Considering thoughts such as, "If I wasn't so out of shape, he wouldn't be masturbating all the time" or "If I didn't work so much, she wouldn't have had the affairs" will only serve to inhibit recovery. If an individual does not take responsibility for their past behavior, they will not take responsibility for their future behavior, either.

• Do not get caught up in the specific type of behavior displayed: It is everyone's unique responsibility to manage their emotions. Some people do so by engaging in unhealthy behavior. Why certain behaviors, like child molestation or stalking, are chosen over others has no absolute answer. Frequently, such behaviors can be traced back to childhood, where certain triggers have been found that logically could have led to a predisposition towards a particular behavior, but there is no conclusive proof. As one who must rebuild a relationship with someone having displayed such behaviors, the focus should not be on the actual behavior, as much as it should be in the roles that the behavior plays in the person's life.