"What Should I Tell My Partner?"

A very difficult question to answer. And, unfortunately, the 'right answer' is often not able to be determined until long after your decision. Will telling her destroy the relationship--ensuring that you have no opportunity to salvage it? Will sharing what you have done be accepted with compassion and thus, assist you immensely with being supported through the recovery process? Will what you share be so devastating that it will throw both of your lives into such chaos that it would undermine your ability to begin the transition from addiction to recovery? When's the right time to come clean? How clean should you come? What's the best approach?

Other questions to consider...

Should I continue deflecting suspicions with further accusations and lies? Will providing him with half-truths help ease the full discovery? If I don't tell him, wouldn't it be better for the relationship if I promise to get help now? Should I continue to lie to protect my past lies? Should I hold back the worst of my behaviors and share only what I think she already knows? The things that wouldn't devastate her?

What are the answers to such questions? There are no certainties. There are, however, two general responses that should be considered: when your partner knows little to nothing about your behavior; and when your partner has made discoveries/suspicions of your behavior.

Consider the following from a woman whose husband knew nothing of her compulsive sexual behavior:

"I'm thinking about telling my husband that I have a sexual addiction, but I'm afraid of losing everything we have built together. Truthfully, I don't think I can live without him. If I decide to go through with this, how would I go about telling him about the affairs and the constant sexual obsessions. He will be shocked and devastated. I don't want to lose him, but I can't go on like this anymore. Any feedback would be appreciated."

Coaches response: Telling your husband is a brave and positive step in your recovery process. You are strongly encouraged to talk with a counselor before doing so, however. Some of the comments you have shared make it sound like this may be a desperate move to purge yourself of guilt, rather than an attempt to rebuild honesty within your marriage.

Now, while honesty is an important part of any healthy relationship, your relationship at present is far from healthy. And while it may feel better to 'get it over with' by sharing every last detail with your partner the moment you are ready to begin the transformation to a healthy life, it is not always in the relationship's best interest. Nor is it in your best interest. Nor is it in your partner's. That is not the same thing as saying that it is okay to continue deceiving your partner--only that it is not productive to blindly dump your entire destructive history on them at your convenience.

Because these types of behaviors involve such intensely personal values, there are some issues that have the potential to permanently damage a relationship. No matter how sincere your motives in sharing them, no matter how committed you may be to changing your life...if you are just now beginning to accept that you have a problem, it is best to save the management of these issues for a time when you have a better support system in place. For when you better understand what it is that you are dealing with. Dealing with sexual addiction recovery and the loss of a long-term marriage simultaneously is not advisable.

When is the right time to 'come clean'?

There is a time for disclosure, but it is usually not at the beginning of your recovery and it should never be motivated by guilt or shame. Acting as a result of remorse will only leave you with further regrets later--and will make your transition to a healthy identity that much harder. Once you have gained a better understanding of your addiction, you will be in a much better position to decide what specific things your partner should know and which things are better left to discuss as generalities. You will be able to offer more to your partner than just a teary, "I'm sorry, it will never happen again." You will have developed a clear plan of action and will have demonstrated your ability to change.

Again, note...lying is never an option in any healthy disclosure situation. But similarly, full disclosure of all specifics should not be the primary option, either. At least when your partner has little to no knowledge of your behavior.

"Are there times in early recovery when full disclosure is best?"

Absolutely. Times when your partner has already discovered one or more of your devastating secrets and attempts at pacification, deflection and/or distraction will only enrage them further. If the situation is already in crisis, and you are provided with an opportunity to come clean--do so COMPLETELY. If your partner confronts you with strong suspicions that you will force you to either admit to, lie about of deflect. Admit the truth. In both situations, don't fool yourself into believing that it will be easier to come clean down the road. It won't. Not when you're being confronted with suspicions/discoveries already identified. To deny/lie in these situations is to further disrespect your partner and the relationship...and it will make the rebuilding of that relationship either much, much more difficult, or will remove the possibility of reconciliation altogether.

Full disclosure may be painful--it will be painful--but at such times when the process of disclosure is already in motion, do not stifle it.

Other times when full disclosure is historically the best option is when your actions have risked your partner's safety/security (through disease or significant consequence); and when your partner has approaching you in a calm, rational way and asking you to come clean in an effort to begin the healing process.

Here are some insights from others in the community:

"I have been on the "other side of the fence". I found out about my husband's addiction and was completely devastated. We sought counseling and it helped...for a while. I never thought of him as a sexual addict until I found out he was doing these things again. Although finding these things out was very hurtful for me, it was his constant lying that was worse. How could he lie to me when confronted with proof of what he was doing? And then continue to tell me that he loves me? Is that a lie too?"

One of the things that made me so angry were the promises to "change" and "be better" and "stop doing it"...all the while, he had nowhere to go for help and didn't even know why he did these things. I think if he had been enrolled in a recovery program and was making a sincere effort to change his behaviors and THEN told me what had been going on it would have been different. I don't think it would have hurt any less or I would have been less angry, but at least I would see that he knew that he had a behavior problem and was making changes in his life to rid himself of that behavior."

"I couldn't agree more about the need to not just say that you are sorry for your behaviors, but to actually demonstrate your remorse by taking action so that it will not happen again."

"A child says, "Sorry.", then goes out and does the same thing again. An adult takes responsibility for what they have done, and at a minimum, if they are truly sorry, takes action so that it will not happen again. There are few things more destructive to a marriage than the spouse who continues to cheat on their partner after being caught a first time. Most marriages can survive a single indescretion...but when you look your spouse in the eye and beg for their forgiveness, and they give it to you...and you reward that forgiveness with more cheating--well, let's just say that the damage you will have caused is virtually irreparable. Even if you stayed married.

That is why, even if you are cheating now, and you haven't been caught yet, make the changes to your life NOW. Don't wait until you have to. If it is a healthy, supportive, nurturing marriage you seek, you must do your part-- If you have been caught, don't expect excuses and apologies to repair the damage. Oh, they might save what is left of the marriage, but that marriage will not be a healthy one until you have done what you need to do to rebuild the trust and respect in your partnership. This can only be done with actions, not words."

What about the policy of absolute honesty that you advocate for on this site?

While this issue is addressed in numerous places throughout the site, there is nothing above that suggests a policy of dishonesty. The issue being explored is not whether or not to be honest with your partner, it is how specific and detailed that honesty should be. Telling your partner that you have developed an unhealthy pattern that you are committing to changing...but that you would like time to make those changes before sharing with her the specifics is engaging in absolute honesty. Telling your partner that you have engaged in behavior that you are ashamed of and that you are taking steps to resolve is engaging in absolute honesty--even though you exercised your right to not share every shameful detail. It is very important that you understand this concept prior to attempting such disclosure.

Why? Because there is no greater saboteur of a relationship than the discovery of ongoing lies after the initial discovery has been made. Many relationships can deal with the aftermath of the initial discovery, few survive a second round of deception. When it comes time to share your behavior with your partner, do so honestly and openly.

Community Insight:

The following was taken from a discussion on when to tell a girlfriend about a secret addiction:

If you want the relationship to last, and it sounds as if you do...you must be honest with her. That does not mean that you need to tell her every detail of your behavior, but it does mean that, at a minimum, you confide in her that you have struggled with some personal issues for a long time, and that you are now taking some time to work through them. The consequences of doing otherwise--for you both--are just too great.

Looking at what happens if you don't tell her (from a purely risk/reward point of view):

Rewards: You can continue the relationship with her falling in love with your ideal self, as opposed to your real self. You will avoid havng to experience a temporary emotional disruption to the relationship.

Risks: If she discovers this behavior on her own, you will have lost all credibility, you will have betrayed her trust and feelings, you will have reinforced that you did not believe in your relationship enough to think that you can work through problems together. You will have guaranteed years of emotional chaos...which many couples can't overcome. Most importantly: you will have continued to hide behind the secrecy that comes with addiction, and so you will have set yourself up for recovery failure.

There are lots more risks/rewards to consider, but these are some that came off the top of my head. Bottom line, begin to implement a policy of absolute honesty in your life...which means that you do not lie, (or lie by ommission). Your goal now is to create the healthiest environment for you to make real changes to your life--changes that will last. To do this, you must remove the secrecy in which your behavior flourishes.

The harder question is, "How do I tell her?" Which is not an easy one to answer. You have painted a pretty perfect picture of this woman, and is often the case in such a scenario, you probably want her to think of you in that same light. Your admission that, at a minimum, you have a problem that you are taking steps to overcome will put a more realistic spin on the relationship. But that is good...if the relationship's goals are long term. If, on the other hand, you are in this relationship for as long as the fantasy can be maintained, then it really is no relationship at all. She is a mere role player in your addiction. I hope that this is not the case. And if it isn't, then set her aside and share with her the real you. And then take every step forward from that point on as the real you...you will both find the relationship far more fulfilling. And it will begin the process of establishing healthy relationship boundaries. Mainly, honesty and trust. Because right now, you don't have it. And because you don't, the relationship is not as you think it might be. Nor is it what she has been led to believe. And unless that misperception is changed through your honesty now, it will come back to destroy any long term relationship success...