"Life's challenges are not to paralyze you, they're to help you discover who you are."

--Bernice Johnson Reagon

Welcome to the Partner's Support Workshop

When working with those struggling with sexually compulsive behavior, the path to recovery is often clear. To ensure a healthy transition away from sexual addiction, the individual must traverse a path from general education to personal awareness to personal development to real-life application. This is the universal approach for all people seeking permanent change. Contrary to what is being perpetuated by many, addiction is not beyond the control of those individuals engaging in it. Every issue that needs to be addressed in addiction recovery can be through the effort and motivation of that individual. This is great news for those committed to changing their lives and for the loved ones who support them through this change.

Sadly, the recovery path for the partners of those struggling with sexual addiction is not nearly as brightly lit. For you, the one forced to deal with the discovery of such a destructive pattern, your path is significantly more difficult, as many of the answers that you require to regain stability and control in your life remain outside of your control. No matter how much work you may put into understanding your partner's behavior; no matter how much compassion you may show; no matter how much forgiveness you are able to offer...your relationship will forever be affected by what you are dealing with here. Trust--a value that is decimated by sexual addiction, yet required for intimacy--will no longer play a stabilizing, comforting role in your relationship. Instead, it will become a major source of conflict throughout the healing process. Upon the discovery of a sexually-addicted partner, previously healthy sources of fulfillment such as family, friends, your sexuality, financial stability, your career, your priorities, your life decisions, social events (e.g. television, the pool) become instant sources of potential conflict, instability, shame, anger, secrets and lies. Add to the destructive wake the reality of having lost the ideal of the person you have been sharing your life with and you can see how much of your life has been thrown out of balance by the discoveries that you have made.

It really is unfair...

As you begin the healing process, one of the first obstacles you will need to overcome will be the acceptance that the healing process for you and that for your partner is not fair. For the partner who has made the decision to change their destructive patterns, the process will take time, it will take effort...but with their sincere commitment, they can be assured of achieving long-term success. The present and the future of the active person in recovery is within their control. If they do A, then B, then C...they will achieve D. Every time. It is as consistent a process as those who are 100lbs overweight achieving a reduction in that weight by reducing their caloric intake and increasing their exercise patterns. Will everyone lose weight on such a plan? No, because not everyone will follow the plan honestly. But 100% of those who do will achieve success. In sexual addiction, 100% of the people who learn the skills being taught in the Recovery Workshop (or elsewhere) and actively implement them into their lives will achieve success in ending their addiction. It is the foregone conclusion of the skills themselves.

But where is your control? Where is your assurance that, as long as you have a sincere desire to work through your partner's issues...that all will turn out well? Where is your guarantee that once your partner has transitioned into a healthy, morally-sound person, he/she will remain that way? Where are the promises that the repulsive images that you have of him/her engaging in immoral behavior will stop? Where is your time line for how long the healing process will take for you? Where is your path to recovery? Obviously, it doesn't exist. While billions of dollars are poured into the recovery industry to help those struggling with addiction, little is done to assist those who are directly impacted by the consequences of this addiction. You are but an afterthought to your partner's recovery--left to work your issues out by yourself.

Providing you with such a path is the purpose of the Partner's Healing Workshop. By offering the information that you need to know to completely understand the pattern of sexual addiction; a compassionate, educated community with which to explore this information; action-oriented coaching to assist you in working through the issues; and targeted lessons to assist you in developing the skills you will need to gain stability and control over your life, this workshop should allow you to pull together the pieces that will enable you to move beyond the crisis that you are currently experiencing.

What this workshop will not do:

It will not offer you immediate relief from the pain, anger, resentment, confusion and disorientation that you may be experiencing. Your healing process will take time and will come with many peaks and valleys. Unlike those in a healthy recovery (who's path tends to take on the pattern of a slow, progressive climb towards understanding, awareness and confidence), the partner's healing process tends to take on an initially defensive, aggressive, confrontational pattern...with occasional brief insights into hope for the future and the possibility of forgiveness. But these insights are often short-lived, and so the partner spends most of their early healing in emotional chaos. Why is this? Because those in a healthy recovery have recognized that they are in control of their future. That, no matter what they may have done in the past, it is not even remotely as important as what they are doing now, or will do in the future. They know that they can move beyond their past...and begin to rebuild themselves into the people they want to be. This fills them with, among other things, comfort, confidence and motivation.

You, on the other hand, are left without any control whatsoever--save for ending the relationship. Your future is unknown, your vulnerabilities revealed, your values trampled, your life forever changed--all without your having done a single thing to deserve it. What's worse, it is often your reliance on your own healthy values that led to your being in this situation in the first place...and so you begin to doubt the foundation of your own life. This isn't a completely accurate perception of the role your values played in getting you to where you are now, but it is often perceived that way.

The kicker to regaining control in your life? The only way to rebuild your confidence (and the relationship--should you so desire) is through a thorough understanding of your partner's behavior; an observation of significant change in your partner's life--change that must be seen over an extended period of time; and a pursuit of your own personal growth so that you will never feel vulnerable to such behaviors again. Two of the three things are within your grasp: understanding the behavior and personal growth. This, then, becomes the launching pad for regaining control. The third, observing change in your partner, you have no control over...and so you will remain vulnerable--should you decide to seek reconciliation. At least until this change is recognized.

It will not assist you with making the decision to continue the relationship or not. This will ultimately be a decision that only you can make. Our only role in this process will be to educate you as to what to look for in a healthy recovery; what to look for in an unhealthy recovery; how to rebuild the relationship--should you choose to do so; and how to rebuild your life--should you choose not to.

It will not take away the reality of what has already happened. As silly as such a statement may sound, a frequent thought from those in your situation is that things might somehow go back to "the way they were". That somehow, if this crisis can be successfully navigated, the relationship might return to the days when before this behavior was known. That's not going to happen. No matter what happens from this point on, the discovery of your partner's behavior will remain a part of your life forever. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or move past it...you have stumbled upon one of those life events that will affect every future relationship that you are in. It will be your strength and courage in dealing with this crisis now that will dictate just how significant a role it will play.

For now, know that everything you have experienced throughout the course of your relationship as a result of your partner's compulsive behavior--including the additional consequences that you will continue to identify throughout this workshop--has already happened. The anger, frustration and resentment that you will inevitably feel towards your partner for these consequences will need to be addressed. But more important to your long term health will be your ability to accept that this is now a reality in your life--and all that matters from this moment forward is how you respond to it. For some--those who respond to this crisis with understanding, compassion and patience--you will have the opportunity to grow exponentially as a human being. Your values and self-awareness will allow you to experience life in a way that you could never have imagined previously. For others--those who respond to the crisis with fury and/or vengeance--you will allow the compulsive behavior of others to further erode the person that you are inside.

What has happened is beyond your control. How you respond to what has happened is not.

What is my role in this workshop?

Earlier, we talked of three elements that need to take place for true healing from the consequences of sexually compulsive behavior to begin. These three elements comprise your most important roles in this workshop. Let's examine them:

I. Understanding The Behavior-- Many of the early lessons in the Partner's Workshop have been developed to educate you towards the true nature of compulsive sexual/romantic behavior. It will be important that, as you read through each lesson, you keep an open mind to the insights that are being offered. For many, this will not be easy--as I'm sure you all currently possess your own thoughts and feelings regarding your partner's behavior. Try though, to spend the next few weeks developing an accurate perception of the situation that you are facing; rather than to filter your situation through anger and pain. This is not meant to suggest that you let go of the anger and resentment surrounding what has occurred, only that, as you learn about the underlying patterns of sexual addiction, you do so with a compassionate eye.

If you must, remove your partner from your mind as you read, as to complete these lessons in any state of mind other than an objective one will be to ensure that what you will be pursuing will not be understanding and healing, but vengeance. A pursuit that will ultimately amplify the damage you have already experienced. Rest assured, there is most certainly a time and place for your anger to be addressed.

In an effort to provide this type of healthy learning environment, you will be asked to limit your "negative" posts in support forums (not only those at RecoveryNation.com, but any other forum that you might be posting in as well). Why? Because throughout the workshop, you will be asked to engage in many emotional exercises that will involve such emotions as anger, resentment, disgust, hatred...and, when done in the right context, can be quite beneficial towards your own healing process. But, when done in the wrong context, can make that process decisively more difficult. One of these "wrong contexts" is when the anger is vented again and again, in an effort to share your pain with others, rather than in an effort to resolve the crisis. What happens is that you begin to reinforce your role in the healing process as confrontational, angry, accusatory...the exact opposite role that is required for true healing to take place--for both of you.

Of course, asking you to limit your natural thoughts and feelings at such a sensitive time causes somewhat of a dilemma.

On the one hand, what will benefit you more than anything in the short-term is to gain back some feeling of control over your life--which includes having the opportunity to control what you say and do. On the other, you are being asked to limit the very feelings that are identifying so much of your pain. Not exactly the control you may have been looking for. Have patience. The goal of this workshop is not to merely have you share your feelings, but to share them with a purpose. That purpose being: to allow you to heal. Over the next several months, you will have had the opportunity to explore all of your emotions--but will have done so in an environment where they will actually promote healing, rather than postpone it.

II. Observing a Healthy Recovery-- Another important role for you in this workshop will be to gain an understanding of what the process of a healthy recovery looks like. This means that you will learn the different stages of recovery, the transitions that take place, the pitfalls to be aware of, warning signs of a recovery going astray, etc. What is critical about your obtaining this knowledge is what you will do with it once you have it; and just as importantly, what you will not do with it. You will not use this information to manage your partner's recovery. The sole purpose for learning what to look for in a healthy recovery is to allow you to observe this recovery process taking place in others. Observing this long-term change is the only way for absolute and unconditional forgiveness to take place. The only way for confidence to be re-established in the relationship.

Another reason to observe recovery, rather than manage it: when you take the responsibility for managing your partner's recovery, you place yourself in a very unhealthy situation...and, place your loved one in an unhealthy situation as well. Why? Because one of the common pitfalls in recovery comes from the person struggling with the compulsive behavior not having to take responsibility. They thrive on recovery programs where someone else lays out a step-by-step plan and their only responsibility is to follow it. But often, all this accomplishes is to perpetuate the illusion of recovery, with little internal change taking place.

That is one of the reasons why the Recovery Workshop is structured as it is. It requires those who are sincere about changing their lives to search within themselves for the motivation and strength for that change to occur. They are not so much participating in "a workshop" as they are participating in "their own workshop". A personalized, custom workshop that can be expanded to meet their needs and develop their values--should they have the desire to do so. The strength of this approach is that, for those who realize the need to take responsibility for their own life, the future is a bright, healthy, fulfilling one. For those who are not willing to take this responsibility, the future is a chaotic, uncertain one--and their participation in the workshop usually ends after several weeks due to the "workshop" not changing them. Your ability to see these patterns will assist you greatly in making decisions regarding your future.

III. Pursuing Personal Growth--As so often happens in a relationship with a sexually compulsive person, the partner (you) have been so affected by the subtle (and not-so-subtle) nature of your partner's behavior, that the extent of the damage may not be recognized for years. Over time, and in direct relation to the severity of their addiction, your values will have been manipulated, your opinions devalued, your esteem fractured, your actions minimized--all because of the skewed thought processes of your addicted partner. This realization often triggers the most intense pain that you will face in the healing process, as you begin to re-evaluate your life and realize just how much time has been wasted to someone else's addiction. Or, how many more years might still be wasted. How helpless and frustrating it is to be forced to re-evaluate your relationship through your developing awareness of your partner's addiction. Vacations, family decisions, your courtship, friendships--every major event in your relationship must now be seen in the context of their addiction in order to validate its authenticity. A frustrating, exhausting and demoralizing task indeed.

So, one final role in this workshop will be for you to develop a healthy pursuit of your own personal growth throughout this healing process. To reconnect with your own values, develop your own life management skills, manage your own goals--goals that are completely under your control.

If you have not already done so, proceed now to the Lesson Response Forum and create your own Personal Healing Thread. Then, begin sharing your lesson responses by replying to that thread throughout the workshop.