The
next three lessons are intended to provide you with a functional
awareness of addiction that will more easily allow you to visualize
the process involved with your partner's addiction. They will
not be easy. Each contains the more technical aspects of addiction
that, from a recovery stand point, are important to know. Should
you find yourself getting lost in the technical aspects of a
particular lesson, don't panic. As the partner, these are not
critical lessons to master. Upon completion of the third lesson,
you should have gained a solid, working understanding of your
partner's sexual addiction.
Understanding
the differences between COMPULSIONS and ADDICTIONS
A
compulsive behavior is one in which a person feels compelled
to act in a certain way. All of us have compulsions to one
degree or another and many times these compulsions benefit
us. Compulsions like checking doors to ensure they are locked
or looking in on an infant three or four times each night
might seem like normal behavior, even necessary behavior,
until you consider a person's reaction when those behaviors
are not completed. That's what can signal a problem. That's
the difference between a healthy compulsion and one that is
problematic--the anxious, uncomfortable feeling that continues
to build until you finally complete the particular behavior.
With such a compulsion, it's never a matter of whether or
not you will complete the behavior; rather, it's a matter
of how long you can hold out until the behavior must
be completed. The longer you abstain, the more anxiety
that is experienced; thus, the more relief that is achieved
once the behavior is completed.
An
addiction is any consistent pattern of such compulsive behavior
that produces a significantly negative effect on that person's
life. And no matter how sad, angry, ashamed or guilty a person
may feel because of this pattern, they cannot make themselves
stop. Not permanently, anyway. The pattern continues to grow.
The destructive consequences continue to mount. Gradually,
the compulsive behavior and accompanying obsessive thoughts
become ingrained and begin to replace the person's existing
values. The compulsive patterns become a part of their core
value system--the addiction itself becomes how they identify
themselves. Without this pattern in their life, they feel
incomplete--as if something is missing. Everything else--friends,
family, job--it all lacks the ability to provide the same
comfort and stability as the performance of the compulsive
behavior(s).
What
is addiction, really?
Your
brain secretes the neurotransmitters LDH, LDC2 and RPW-x.
These secretions effect the third neurocostal space in the
left proximal hemisphere of the...
Pretty
boring stuff, huh? Unless you're planning a career as a researcher
or want to obtain a degree in psychobiology, don't waste your
precious time learning the theories of addiction. If you did,
you'd spend the next month-and-a-half learning a different
approach each day. Addiction is a disease. Addiction is
a genetic defect. Addiction is a character defect. Addiction
is a learned behavior. Addiction is a chemical imbalance.
Everyone has a theory they believe is correct. And so, rather
than focusing on the scientific nature of addiction, commit
yourself to understanding a working model of the addictive
process. This, more than anything else, will help you to understand
not only your partner, but also how you might have fit in
to your partner's behavior.
The
following sections represent a "working model" of
addiction. Scientifically rigid it is not. The model represents
a concrete representation of abstract concepts, and is not
intended for empirical scrutiny. It does, however, offer the
layperson a way of conceptualizing their partner's addictive
processes in a measurable, functional way.
Functional Awareness and Delusional Actualization
Functional
Awareness is the process for breaking down your addiction
into a real, tangible, measurable construct. Through functional
awareness, you will gain the ability to isolate the separate
elements of the compulsive state and master skills that will
allow you to manage that compulsion effectively. Delusional
Activation refers to you mind's ability to manage your current
emotional state through artificial or delusional thinking.
In plain terms, it allows you to trick yourself into acting
in a way that will allow you to achieve immediate, temporary
emotional fulfillment. Both concepts are important in developing
effective urge control strategies.
The
need for addiction arises when an individual lacks the life
skills and balance to effectively manage their emotional response
to life's events. The stress can be a single catastrophic
event (e.g. rape, death) or a long-term progression (e.g.
career, marriage). It can arise from childhood (e.g. neglect,
abuse) or the future (e.g. mortality, security). It can be
external (e.g. social interactions, financial obligations)
or internal (e.g. mental illness, emotional instability).
The stress can even be created by the repetition of stress-relieving
activities (e.g. smoking, shopping, sex). This last example
is a classic for the progressiveness and cyclic nature of
the disease. And because every person is unique, each has
their own way of maintaining emotional comfort. When a stressor
is introduced which interferes with that comfort, the mind
and body react to reestablish the feeling of normalcy. When
that reaction involves compulsively repeating unhealthy patterns
which contradict the values a person holds, the process of
addiction has begun. The longer a person relies on addictive
behavior to comfort them, the less they rely on their values.
When a person has lost all connection with those values, the
addictive process has fused, making it virtually
inseparable from the core of their identity. Functional awareness
is what is used to reverse that fusion.
Maintaining
comfort is a natural instinct. For most, our comfort is maintained
when our values are maintained. Stress occurs when those values
are jeopardized. A child is molested--jeopardizing (among
many values) their security and trust. A man earns a promotion,
but the increased responsibility jeopardizes his confidence
and reduces the amount of time he may spend with his family.
A woman's realization of mortality jeopardizes her most basic
value--that of survival. Everyone's values differ, both in
strength and substance. Why then, do some of us turn to addiction?
Foregoing
the argument of genetic disposition (which surely plays a
significant role in one's ability to manage stress), the addictive
process becomes necessary when a person's foundation of values
is not adequate to manage their life. Understand that. You
partner has been using their compulsive behaviors to artificially
manage the way that they feel. Healthy people manage their
feelings by recognizing their values, then living their life
accordingly. When something occurs outside that set of values,
stress occurs, and they deal with that stress by returning
to their set of values. But what happens when the stress becomes
too great, and their existing values can no longer comfort
them? They need to create an artificial source of comfort.
That is what happens in addiction, except that for most addicts,
they never had a healthy foundation to begin with. Consider
the following:
Two
teenagers are confronted with the task of maintaining perfect
grades in high school. Both value the respect they receive
from their teachers, as well as their own feelings of accomplishment.
On the final exam, both receive grades which drop their
overall course grade to a "B"-the first of their
lives. To most, such an event would seem trivial, but to
each of these kids, a serious conflict occurred within their
sets of values.
The
healthy teen-the one whose values were balanced between family,
friends, hobbies and school-became initially despondent, but
quickly stabilized. She was able to rely on other values to
keep her disappointment in perspective. She went for a walk,
had a heart-to-heart talk with her mom, put some extra time
in at work-she increased her reliance on other things she
valued to comfort her. But what about the student who didn't
have a strong foundation of values with which to rely? That's
where addiction comes in.
This
other student, between the ages of seven and nine, was routinely
molested by her stepfather. Though he no longer maintained
an active role in her life, his prior behavior caused a
disruption in the development of several critical value
areas. Areas like autonomy, trust and personal safety. The
student's innate desire to alleviate the stress caused from
the molestation, led to her dependence on two values that
she could still control: food and school. For the next five
years, while others continued to develop the social skills
needed for a balanced life-skills which require the autonomy,
trust and personal safety she was unable to master-she continued
to find comfort in studying harder and eating more. Then
came the "B".
So
much of her balance was being maintained by her academic perfection
that what should have been a trivial event, was now perceived
as devastating. She had stood on only two legs (two values)
for so long, that when one of those legs became injured (caused
her stress), she didn't have the tools necessary to heal.
To heal would have meant to lean on other values, but she
had just one value left: eating. What initially should have
been a scratch, now had to be amputated. This "all or
nothing" principle is another common trait of an addictive
personality. The only value she could now rely on to comfort
herself, the only one she could still control, was food. From
then on, nothing else mattered--not her grades, not her looks,
not even her health. All uncomfortable feelings could now
be comforted with four cheeseburgers and a shake.
Why
Sexual Addiction? Why Love Addiction?
Some
of the most common thoughts from people struggling with sexually
and/or romantically compulsive behavior are associated with
trying to understand why they are the way that they are. They
ask themselves things like, "Why do I act the way that
I do? What caused it? Was it because I was sexually abused
as a child? Neglected? Born this way? There must be some reason
I am the way that I am. I need to know."
Well,
for the most part, there is a reason that they are
the way that they are. There is a reason why they choose
strip clubs over the Internet. Why they choose affairs rather
than prostitutes (and vice versa). Why they become sexually
aroused by animals, but not children. Feces, but not feet. There
is a reason why men fantasize about other men, although they
despise homosexuality. Actually, there are most likely several
reasons. And over the next three lessons, we will explore these
reasons. You will be shown a model of compulsive sexual behavior
that will allow you to break down your partner's sexual/romantic
actions into measurable, understandable parts. You will begin
to see the true nature of their behavior, and once you do, it
will become easier to separate your partner from the behavior
they exhibit. You will gain insight into the realization that
sexual addiction did not just appear in their life, but that
it developed quite naturally and with good reasons. You will
come to the realization that, by recognizing the progressive
role that addiction has played in their life, a life without
this pattern can be easily achieved by eliminating those destructive
patterns and replacing them with healthy ones.
Most
of the concepts that will be presented over the next few lessons
will be completely new to you. They are unique to the PRIDE
Workshop and so you might find yourself getting lost at times
and are interested in mastering the content here, feel free
to ask questions in the forum or schedule a free coaching session
to discuss this material further. Remember, this is a progressive
learning workshop, so in order to get the second concept, you
must understand the first. In order to get the third, you must
understand the second...and so on. Again however, as the partner,
these three lessons are not critical to your moving on.
Starting
versus Continuing a Behavior
The
first thing we need to do in understanding sexually and/or romantically
compulsive behavior is to make the distinction between the reasons
your partner started with a particular type of behavior and
why they have continued. These reasons are rarely the same.
Let's begin with the reasons why they developed difficulties
with compulsive sexual/romantic behavior...
In
order for someone to become addicted to something, they must
first have been introduced to it. This goes for sex, as well
as love. Nobody is born a sexual addict. Nobody is born a love
addict. With the introduction to their sexuality came the development
of emotions and values that they naturally associated with that
behavior. Such an introduction could have been forced--as in
rape or molestation; it could have been consensual--as in the
natural progression of intimate relationships; or it could have
been random--as in exploratory masturbation, accidental voyeuring
(like looking out your bedroom window to see your neighbor undressing)
or a Playboy magazine discovered in a dumpster. In every case,
the introduction produced a change in their system of values.
At best, this change was a pleasurable and exciting one--capable
of eliciting both physical and emotional relief. When this is
the case, such pleasurable emotions are automatically prioritized
among their existing values--and usually done so at the expense
of other less stimulating behaviors. This is not a bad thing,
and such prioritization is necessary for the full development
of a healthy, balanced value system. At worst, the initial sexual
experience was repulsive and degrading, causing an immediate
and often destructive effect on their values. The earlier and
more traumatic the introduction, the more significant the disruption
to their values that will occur.
In
the extreme, such a traumatic introduction will trigger one
of two extreme responses. One is for the person to completely
withdraw from the emotions that such sexual behavior produces
(e.g. through self-mutilation, sexual anorexia, disassociation,
etc.); the other is for the person to attempt to change the
negative emotions that were associated with the sexual acts
with other emotions (usually negative as well, but not in the
mind of the person engaging in them). In the latter, people
will try to understand what has happened to them by recreating
sexual experiences under "emotionally safe" conditions.
Promiscuity, sex with animals, children, invalids, inanimate
objects--these are all common behaviors of people who have been
sexually traumatized.
This
of course begs the question, "Has everyone who partakes
in these type of behaviors been sexually traumatized?"
The answer is no. While it is true that those who have been
molested, raped or otherwise sexually traumatized have almost
always experienced significant emotional consequences in relation
to sexual/romantic behavior, it is also true that many people
develop such sexual dysfunction without ever having been physically
traumatized. For some, the emotional trauma of having a dominating,
controlling parent; or having been raised in a strictly religious
environment where natural sexuality (like masturbation or lust)
was associated with evil and hell can also trigger such behaviors.
In rare cases, one can develop such patterns to deviant sexual
behavior not by trauma, but by a progressive pleasure/pleasure
pattern where both the introduction to sex, as well as the natural
ongoing development of sexual values provide the ability to
manage emotions. In such cases, additional behaviors that are
added to the sexual repertoire become nothing more than ways
of further managing their emotional states in different degrees.
Much like the ingredients to a cookie--more on this in the next
lesson. Again, this is rare and the vast majority of people
suffering from sexually compulsive behavior have indeed been
traumatized in some way--either emotionally or physically--and
this trauma is often sexual in nature. And while this should
never be used as an excuse for destructive behavior, it should
be accepted as a fact in understanding it. It is also important
to note that while this traumatic introduction to sex is common
in the vast majority of all sexually deviant behavior--it is
only common in those who have associated their sexual behavior
with values such as intimacy and love--rather than power and
dehumanization.
Those
suffering from compulsive romantic behavior or love addictions
tend to have similar backgrounds, with a few major differences.
First, the "introduction" to love comes from the bond
developed with their parents. Whereas traumatic behavior in
sexual addiction can stem from rape, molestation, etc., traumatic
behavior associated with love comes almost exclusively from
a lack of parental nurturing from one or both parents; a significant
event that threatens an existing bond (like the death of a parent,
or divorce); or a violation of trust and safety (like that which
occurs through incest or molestation). Such is the overwhelming
background of most people suffering from romantically compulsive
behavior. Additional causes, though rare, include the pleasure/pleasure
role discussed earlier, except in the case of love addiction,
it would be a series of relationships that provided emotional
relief and pleasure--and a person's overuse of those feelings
to manage their emotions. In its extreme, the establishing of
these mind-altering relationships can progress to the point
where an actual relationship doesn't even need to exist. The
person's mind will actually create the relationship and act
as though it is already established. This is a frequent occurrence
in many of the romantically-delusional stalkings that take place
to celebrities and strangers. Though there is no actual relationship,
the love addict becomes so intoxicated with the pursuit of the
target's love and affection--that he/she no longer processes
the relationship in reality. Everything about the relationship
becomes a fixation that continues to feed the fantasy that is
producing so much emotional stimulation.
Whether
your partner struggles with compulsive behaviors associated
with sex and/or love, take some time to consider how these behaviors
might have been introduced into their life. Think of how they
developed into destructive (or potentially destructive) behaviors.
What were some of the key "introductions" of new values
that they might associate with this behavior? Things like significant
relationships, traumatic events, personal insights that affected
the development of their values.
Finally,
we began this lesson by saying that there needs to be a distinction
made between how your partner started with a particular behavior
and why that behavior continues. The reason they started is
directly related to the way that the behavior was introduced
to them (or, reintroduced through a traumatic event) and the
emotions/values associated with that behavior. Why the behavior
continues is the same reason why all
compulsive behavior continues: because it has become their most
efficient way of managing their emotions. Of bringing them relief.
Of stimulating them. It no longer matters what behavior is placed
in that pattern...once the pattern of using compulsive behavior
is established, the behavior itself becomes irrelevant--from
a recovery stand point. Not from a consequential stand point,
mind you, but from a "Why do I keep acting this way?"
point of view. As you begin to understand more and more about
addiction over the next few days, this should become clear.
It is the underlying patterns that must now be changed.
