It
is this last point that will be the focus of the lesson. There are
several areas of such communication that we will explore: communicating
with yourself, communicating with your partner and the recognition
of potentially volatile communication triggers.
Understanding
Your Partner's Communication Skills
Learning
to communicate in a healthy, meaningful way comes naturally for
those who have been raised in a healthy, nurturing environment.
People are taught to express themselves openly without having to
worry about being judged, punished, ridiculed or constantly belittled
for their thoughts. In an oppressive, abusive or neglectful upbringing,
such communication is stifled. In its place develops the foundation
for secret, nurturing communication with oneself. This is a foundation
that often continues to develop into adulthood--and is directly
correlated with the development of addiction. This is not to suggest
that everyone who is raised in an unhealthy environment develops
an addiction; only that those who do develop an addiction and who
have been raised in such an environment, already have the 'dual-identity'
ingrained into their communication skills long before the addiction
is apparent.
As
you have no doubt painfully discovered, this open communication
is not present in those who are struggling with sexually compulsive
behavior. At best, especially in the beginning of a relationship,
there will be a 'selective openness' that will have you believe
that they are pouring out their souls--but it is a measured approach.
Such 'deep communication' is required to achieve the instant intimacy
that is required in many types of sex/love addictions. Once the
relationship progresses, there may be a 'calculated openness' that
is used to distract you from uncovering the more shameful secrets
they hold, but a complete openness is something they are incapable
of. Not while actively engaged in the addiction. This is not to
suggest that people with addictions cannot communicate. In fact,
it is their adeptness at communication that allows many to continue
on with the "other life" without their secrets being detected.
It is their communication skills, and their ability to "say
all the right things" and "act normal" around others
that lead to the perpetuation of their double life. Eventually though,
their communication skills deteriorate to the point where they must
avoid such communication altogether--as the lies have been too numerous
and the risk of discovery too great. Communication becomes paralyzing.
This is usually when relationships begin to show serious signs of
incompatibility--with you believing that it is somehow your
fault.
Most
romantically compulsive people have the ability to communicate on
levels that others simply cannot match. It is how they overwhelm
their targets. They frown upon small talk and believe it is a waste
of time in social settings--preferring instead for deep, meaningful
conversations. With small talk, they realize that there is no possibility
for an "instant connection" to those they are talking
with. It is instead a slow process in which they often see themselves
as inept, but rationalize this by pointing to the superficiality
of those engaging in such small talk. Why is small talk so difficult
for them? It is too unpredictable. They are no longer in control
of the conversation and thus, they risk being asked personal questions
that will lead to uncomfortable moments. While they are engaged
in deep conversation, romantically compulsive people have a phenomenal
ability to remember all of the lies that they have told (both past
and current), and to naturally steer the conversations away from
topics that might threaten to expose those lies. This occurs as
a result of the trance-like state they put themselves in--a state
that just can't be reached when engaged in superficial conversation.
And
social conversations within a group? Forget it. The sexual/romantic
addict is a master at remembering exactly what story he/she is telling,
why he/she is telling it, "planning ahead" for the impact
of the story and measuring the outcome of the story. At the same
time, he/she is also calculating past stories with this person and
setting them up for future conversations. Part of their extraordinary
ability to communicate is in their ability to read a person's body
language and subtle inflections. This is impossible in a group setting.
There are simply too many distractions to allow the trance-like
state needed for his/her preferred type of communication.
As
your partner removes the secrets and lies--all of them--from his/her
life, they open the door to experiencing real, meaningful communication
with others. Communication that is predicated on talking with someone,
instead of to them. Quite often, it is this type of communication
that is reflected in the majority of partner's who recognize that
their partner has "really changed". Well, they have changed.
They have changed their ability to engage in meaningful communications
with you. They have begun to see you as an individual that they
respect and want, rather than as a person who fulfills certain roles
in their life (e.g. wife, mother of kids, etc.).
Understanding
Your Communication Skills
It's
easy to place the lion's share of responsibility for failed communication
on your partner. After all, they're the ones who've lied. They're
the ones that kept the secrets. They're the ones who chose not to
trust you/respect you with the truth. They're the ones who kept
you from engaging in a real partnership. It was their communication
skills that are at the heart of this relationship crisis. If they
would have communicated what was going on in their lives, you could
have worked together to tackle the problem--or at least, offered
support as your partner worked through them. But they chose not
to. And because of that choice, your relationship has been led down
a path of unnecessary pain and chaotic struggle. How often since
the discovery of your partner's addiction have you looked back and
wondered if you weren't a part of that addiction as well? Or, if
his behaviors were the reasons for many of the fights, the times
where intimacy was lost, where you felt sexually rejected or undesired,
etc?
Meaningful
communication cannot exist in such an atmosphere.
We've
reviewed some common issues involving an addicted partner's communication
skills, but what happens when your partner recognizes those deficiencies
and sets out to overcome them? What happens when they are ready,
willing and able to engage in meaningful communication with you?
If you're like most, you will soon discover that it is YOU who is
not ready. And for good reason.
Most
people believe that the critical time in determining the salvageability
of a relationship is upon the discovery of the addiction. Is
this something that I can live with? Will I ever be able to love
this person again after knowing what I know now? Do I really believe
that my partner will ever truly get over this? Such thoughts
are common soon after the discovery and they help put a tangible
quality on the instability that you face. But the answers to those
questions cannot possibly be answered. Not that early in the discovery--and
not while your partner is continuing to engage in active recovery
and/or addiction. It is AFTER they have ended those patterns...after
they have ingrained the changes from recovery...that is when you
will face the reality of your situation for the first time. This
is when you begin to ask these questions for real. Can
you live with what he has done to you? Do you believe that he has
changed? Do you believe that these changes will remain? This
is when the answers matter and you will undoubtedly come to the
conclusion that you just don't know. Not yet, anyhow. And so you
set up your own boundaries to block meaningful communication. Why?
Because you're not yet ready to move on. Now that the immediate
crisis is over and your partner is ready to move on in a healthy
way, it is you who needs to take a step back and explore the situation
with more depth. It is you who now needs to come up with some answers
that will 'feel right' for you to move on. But how?
Effective
Ways to Communicate
It's
important that you express your feelings instead of stifling them
or feeling afraid to speak out because of how your partner may react.
This is one of the steps in developing meaningful communication.
You need to communicate what you're feeling when you're experiencing
those feelings instead of holding onto them and expressing them
inappropriately in other areas of your life – for example,
snapping or yelling at a small irritation that happens later rather
than calmly confronting your partner when something is not feeling
right to you.
There
are certain loops (merry-go-rounds, traps) you can fall into when
trying to communicate meaningfully. You can start a conversation
about a feeling you have or something that is bothering you, as
you should, but that conversation can become derailed into one of
the following loops where the SA can't meaningfully respond because
of where they're at in their recovery or because of their shame
and guilt. If you're aware that certain conversational tactics can
backfire and actually interfere with communication, you can adjust
your method of communicating. One way to adjust is to bring up your
concern, then give your partner time to think about it so they can
respond to you in a meaningful way.
Keep
in mind that if your partner isn't in recovery, no matter how hard
you try to communicate, it may be impossible and you'll find yourself
endlessly caught in one of these loops. It's also true that in the
beginning of recovery, you may not be satisfied by anything they
have to say. After all, actions speak louder than words, and you
are in the painful position of having to wait and see what their
actions are before you can begin to trust again. So remember that
your desire for assurances or information may not be able to satisfy
you or repair the damage that has been done even if your partner
can respond.
Ineffective
Ways to Communicate
The
Interrogation
By
far the most common and natural communication style in early recovery.
You want to know any and everything about your partner's behavior...and
believe that you have every right to hear exactly that. Your partner
becomes dehumanized, with his/her only role in the communication
being to provide you with whatever information you may want to know,
when you want to know it. And while the interrogation technique
is required to some degree in early recovery/healing, when it is
used as the only communication style, or it is used over long periods
of time...it will serve as a shameful, dehumanizing event to your
partner and an ineffective communication tool for you. In early
healing, such submissive question and answer periods are used to
help you gain control over the situation. They are rarely effective
for meaningful communication.
The
'Setting Them Up to Fail' Approach
"Be
honest with me." It sounds like such a simple request. And
coming from a partner who just discovered that their relationship
was in jeopardy, it is a request that doesn't seem to be too much
to ask. Rather than condemning the relationship, the compassionate
spouse courageously looks upon their partner's deception and betrayal
and requests only to know the extent of it--fully intending to work
through these issues. "Just look me in the eyes and tell me
this is everything. That there is nothing else I should know about.
I won't hold it against you. I know that you have a problem. But
now is the time for you to come clean with everything. Right now,
or our relationship will be over." The usual response? "There's
nothing else." A lie. Not always, but it is the rarest of individuals
who share all of their secret behaviors when asked. Why? Why with
the opportunity to come clean would they choose to continue to lie
and keep secrets? Because this response is tied in with the nature
of the addiction itself. It is completely irrational and potentially
devastating. And yet, it is a response that is almost universally
engaged. The shame and humiliation that would be experienced otherwise
is just too great. That, and the desire to end their addictions
does not instantly translate to their ending their addciitons...and
so they leave behind hidden pockets to reconnect to that secret
life--should they ever need to.
Does
this mean that you shouldn't ask for complete honesty? No. You should
demand it in a compassionate and accepting way. But if your goal
is to develop a meaningful communication style with your partner,
accept the reality that there is a good chance that other secrets
will come out as his/her recovery progresses. Providing your partner
with one opportunity to 'come clean' is an unrealistic expectation
that will likely force an even stronger reliance on keeping the
remaining secrets secret. The most common pattern of complete discovery
occurs first in the months following the initial discovery...and
second upon the transition to a healthy life--once they have begun
to disassociate from their compulsive experiences and want to let
go of all of their secrets.
The
Valueless Question
Because
you will undoubtedly be in a state of emotional crisis for several
months, many of your questions will be geared towards achieving
emotional stability in your own life. There is nothing wrong with
this. It only becomes problematic when the answers to those questions
hold no value to either discovery, healing or recovery. In other
words, it is the asking of the question that is providing the emotional
control, as opposed to the answer. For instance, you discover your
husband having an affair with your best friend. You ask the question,
"Did you guys sleep together in our bed?" There is no
answer to this question that will provide value to you. If they
did, you will increase your own disgust, but to what degree. You
already know about the affair--which is the critical element of
the discovery. And if they didn't sleep together in your bed, what
will you gain? Nothing. You will either continue disbelieving the
answer or will refocus on what they did do together. This is a valueless
question and they should be avoided if at all possible.
The
Endless Interview
How
long do you have to find out everything you need to know about your
partner's behavior? A month? Six? The rest of your life? It's a
tough question to answer. And it gets even tougher if your partner
has begun to make real changes in his/her life. Imagine if you were
overweight and you committed yourself to losing fifty pounds and
succeeded. Now imagine your partner consistently asking you why
you gained all that weight to begin with. And reminding you how
unattractive you were. How unhealthy. At some point, you would no
doubt want to ring that person's neck and say, "Look at me
now. I've changed. I'm no longer that unhealthy person I once was.
Judge me for who I am, not who I was." Those who make a healthy
recovery from sexual addiction are no different. They are changing
their identity and the only way that a healthy identity can become
ingrained, is if they are constantly reminded of how sick they once
were.
This
puts you in a very difficult position. On the one hand, what is
best for you is for your partner to be as healthy as possible, as
quickly as possible. On the other hand, you most likely won't begin
to appreciate the answers that he provides to you about his addiction
until after the crisis has begun to resolve. And so to you, these
questions are relevant for your ability to move forward. For him,
they are 'asked and answered' questions that are only being re-asked
to sabotage his progress. There are no easy answers to this conflict.
Though as you search for the right time to begin 'letting go' of
the unhealthy past and recommitting to the healthy present, do consider
that you WANT your partner to be healthy. You want your partner
to transition away from having an addict's identity. This is in
YOUR best interest.
What
is Meaningful Communication?
Engaging in meaningful communication is to open a free-flowing river
of thought from one mind to another. It is feeling safe enough to
share any and everything with each other without fear of being judged.
It's feeling comfortable with an ongoing exchange of values, boundaries
and goals--the meat and potatoes of life management. It's feeling
safe enough to communicate the anxieties, struggles and irrational
thoughts you may have--knowing that they will be explored, not exploited.
Supported, not attacked.
It is knowing that you will not have to defend your mistakes, merely
acknowledge them. It is learning to communicate with the person,
not the role that that person plays in your life.
Until this level of communication is developed, the best that you
will ever be able to muster in your relationship will be the acceptance
that he is "doing everything he's supposed to and he seems
to be okay'. This isn't a strong foundation with which to rebuild
intimacy, trust and respect. On the other hand, the development
of this communication will allow you to feel the changes that are
being made in his life (and your relationship).
One final thought on communication. Developing meaningful communication
with your partner is an ongoing process. Because both of you will
be constantly changing, there will never be a time where you can
take such communication for granted. Ever again. Either of you.
But at the same time, don't make the mistake of thinking that you
need to have perfected your communication before allowing yourself
to move on in the relationship. You don't. You can move on as soon
as you feel safe to move on. With your own values and boundaries
in place, even if you were wrong in trusting him/her again...even
if they continued to lie to you...you will have acted in a manner
that was consistent with the life that you were living. So recommit
yourself fully. Do your part to engage in meaningful communication
with your partner.
