Healing Contracts

Healing contracts can be one of the best tools in helping you to regain control and stability. Whether enacted within an existing relationship or as a pillar for future relationships, healing contracts establish a list of consequences that are applied upon the violation of a boundary. Their purpose is to remove the intense emotions that are associated with value conflicts so that such conflicts can be handled with efficiency and consistency.

Consider the following situation:

If you're like most, you'd likely become angry and confrontational. You'd feel deceived. You'd feel hurt. You would obsess and/or be overwhelmed with anxiety about what other hidden items may be around. What other lies he might be telling. Or, you might minimize the incident, believing that it was just a small, relatively harmless slip. When you confront him, you are hit with one or more of the following explanations: "It's just a magazine--I'm not having an affair." "It was left over from before I started my recovery." "I forgot that it was there." "I only looked at it once and felt guilty. It actually served as a breakthrough for me."

If pornography wasn't the issue, substitute an affair. And rather than finding a magazine, imagine you discovered that he had recently talked to the person on the phone. What would you do? How would you confront him? Would the consequences of his actions rely on how he explained himself? If he said things like: "I was just calling to tell her not to call me anymore." "She called me, I couldn't just hang up on her." "She was really upset and I was trying to calm her down."...would it matter in terms of the consequences for his actions? It shouldn't--not when you have developed an effective contract.

Emotions, Perceptions and Consequences

Relationships that have experienced the ongoing and complex deceit that comes with addiction will face many of these situations throughout the recovery process. When are they telling you the truth? When are they telling you only part of the truth? When are they outright lying to you? To be put in the position of having to use your gut instincts to determine what the truth is is unfair. To expect you to believe them because they sound sincere or because what they are saying makes sense is also unfair. They had been given the right to be trusted and lost it with their previous lies. And until significant, long-term changes have been made to their lives, they should not get that right back. So where does that leave you? More importantly, where shouldn't it leave you? It shouldn't leave you stuck wading through a puddle of possible lies. Of trying to read through what may be defensiveness and what may be reality. Such situations create emotional confusion that leads to chaotic resolutions.

Ideally, the more emotions you remove from how you perceive any given situation, the better. The more objective you can become--separating yourself (and even your partner) from the actions--the better. Establishing such boundary contracts allows you to deal in certainties and certainties are much easier to manage than conflicting perceptions. They eliminate the emotional gray areas that are at the root of most conflict. And because contracts, if they are to be effective, are based on your values...they serve as a fluid means for healthy behavior management.

What is a Contract?

Everyone knows what a contract is. It is an agreement between two or more people (or in recovery, it can even be an agreement with yourself) that lays clear expectations (e.g. boundaries) that cannot be crossed without consequence. This is exactly the definition that we will use here. An agreed upon set of boundaries that will not be crossed without repercussion.

How are they best used in a relationship? This gets a bit tricky. On the one hand, healthy relationships are natural entities where issues like honesty, respect and intimacy occur without rigidity and structure. They occur free-flowing and are motivated by the natural consequences of being in a relationship with such values attached. A healthy relationship has no need to manage such values via written contracts. On the other hand, a relationship in which addiction is present is not healthy. Nor is a relationship where one person is in active recovery from addiction. Can it develop into such a free-flowing partnership? Absolutely. But it is not there now. And so, to avoid the conflict that invariably invades the healing process, it becomes necessary to clearly document your existing values, your expectations (aka boundaries) and preferably, agreed-upon consequences for the violation of those boundaries.

Do note, in the Couple's Workshop, such contracts are used in a more flexible, abstract way to guide the transition back to a healthy, intimate relationship. Here, we are not talking about the shared values and shared boundaries of the relationship, we are talking about you. What you will accept. What you need to see happen. Or, not happen. We are talking about documenting your boundaries and laying out what you will do should those boundaries be crossed. That is the contract you will be developing. Your partner will have little to do with this process (though the more they are involved in creating the contract the more effective that contract will be). But at the same time, with this contract, they can just as easily be irrelevant.

Developing the Contract

I. The first step in developing such a contract is to clearly document your existing values and boundaries (hopefully, you have already done this earlier in the workshop, if not document them now). Again, these are your values--not your partner's and not your relationship's.

II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:

In general, we are talking about behaviors related to past destructive patterns, though you do not have to limit yourself to this. Document the behaviors you have come up with.

III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior--should it be observed. Be careful here. Ideally, you will be completing this task with an objective eye and with your values guiding your thoughts. The worst possible contract is one that is based on overwhelmed emotions where all consequences are extreme and all behaviors rigid. Think rationally. Think objectively. For example, if your consequence for catching him in a lie about leaving the toilet seat up is to immediately end the relationship, the contract will not be effective in bringing about healthy change. No one is perfect. And those in recovery--those just now learning to manage their lives in a healthy way--will be far from it. Try to structure your consequences to be both fair and firm, but realistic. Progressive consequences work best, but only for mild violations. Extreme and immediate consequences work best for extreme violations. It is a very good idea to review your contract with an objective person whose input you value.

Once you have gathered the above information and have documented it in whatever format you are most comfortable with, it is time for implementation. Again we will speak in ideals, and ideally, your partner would review this document and agree to its contents. Having expectations is healthy only when those expectations are known by others. In the Couple's Workshop, such mutual agreement and collaboration is a necessity; here, it is not. It is merely recommended.

This is your contract. This is your tool for navigating the confusion and conflict that accompanies life with someone in recovery. Therefore, you are in complete control in regards to how it is applied.

Effective Contracts

In an effective contract, your values will be represented by a general application of your boundaries to your partner's anticipated behavior. Can all conflicts be addressed in this contract? No. It is impossible to anticipate all the nuances that can occur in even the simplest of actions. A lie, for example. Developing a single contract to address all types of lies could take weeks...and still, it will not be complete. There will always be those behaviors that fall in between the situations that you have envisioned. And so, one of the most important issues relating to the use of this contract is your willingness to see it as a living document that changes as your values change. That grows as your experiences grow. This means you must commit yourself to reviewing it frequently and modifying it as necessary.

Another aspect of effective contract use is your willingness to abide by what you have written. Will there be exceptions? Most likely. But for the majority of conflicts, the documented consequences must be the ones that are enacted. These are the consequences that you have determined best represent the violations in question. You created them at a time when you were logical and rational--and not influenced by the emotional impact of the conflict. To wait for the discovery and adjust those consequences based on your emotional reactions is to openly invite confusion, manipulation and further chaos into this and all future events involving value conflicts. Be fair, be firm. And have a very, very good reason for making any exception.

Using the Contract

A value conflict arises. Let's use one from earlier in the lesson: after a month of what seemed to be the building of a solid recovery, you discover a Penthouse hidden in the closet. Without a contract in place, this situation is a potentially devastating one that can throw your life into complete turmoil. What should you believe? What if you're wrong? Were the consequences too hard? Not hard enough? Forget all that. It is energy being spent unnecessarily.

In your contract, you have it clearly stipulated that you will accept no pornography in your home. Pornography was found. The consequences are then engaged. It doesn't matter why the pornography was there. It doesn't matter if it was an accident. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Pornography was found in your home--a direct violation of the boundaries you have set. Consequences must be engaged. Period. Do not allow your boundaries to be violated...ever. For any reason. Do not soften the consequences...ever. For any excuse or any rationalization. Do not allow yourself to be placed in the position of judge and jury. Let the objective facts speak for themselves. Let the contract do its job.

Exceptions and Alterations

Obviously, situations will arise that you are not prepared for. The role of the contract is not to take over your own decision-making skills or use of common sense. It is merely to guide you in that decision-making process by reducing the influence of extreme emotions over that process.