Why the Relationship Must Change

A frequent desire shared by those caught in the aftermath of their partner's addiction is the desire to get things 'back to the way they used to be'. To the way things were before the life-altering discovery. Before the lies. Before the awareness. Back to a time when they were still basing that relationship on the person they thought their partner to be. When passion and intimacy helped define the love that was being shared. When hopes and dreams seemed almost too perfect. When their love seemed real.

By this point in the workshop, you (and all who go on to discover the true nature of addiction) come to realize that that is the last thing they would want. To go back to such an existence? Back to the secrecy? The ignorance? The lies? To a partner living separate lives? To playing a role in an addiction? Absolutely not. Going 'back' is not an option. For you, or your relationship. You will, for the rest of your life, carry the memories of what you have experienced...of what you have endured. And no amount of time or your partner's 'personal growth' will change that.

And this is good.

For you to achieve the healing necessary to re-establish a healthy relationship with your partner (or develop a healthy relationship with a new partner), you must embrace the fact that you are not the same person that you once were. That you will never go back to that naive, innocent, weak person. 'Weak' referring to your ability to protect your life through your existing values and boundaries. For the rest of your life, you will carry the experiences of having been forced through one of the most devastating traumas that a relationship can endure. And you will carry the realization that you came through it with your head held high and your life and values intact. In fact, you came through it stronger than you have ever been. This is an amazing accomplishment that will serve you well in many areas of your life.

Yes, you were hurt. Yes, you were disoriented. Yes, you likely felt inadequate. Helpless. Hopeless. But in that blur, you found the strength to regain control. You found the courage to stand up and fight for a better life. For a better you. These are good, good things. And they are experiences that will positively influence every relationship you have from here on out--especially in regards to issues such as addiction.

So, getting your relationship back to the way it used to be? Ludicrous. Your relationship has changed. Every relationship that you will ever be a part of has changed. Why? Because you are smarter, stronger and more aware than you have ever been. You have more experiences to rely on. More skills to invoke. Couple these changes with an established value and boundary system and you have a powerful foundation to bring to any relationship.

Note: this notion of change is being addressed solely from the partner's perspective. In the Couple's Workshop, these issues are expanded to include the persective of those in recovery as well. They, too, must embrace the reality of acceptance and change...