Rebuilding Trust and Respect

Rebuilding Trust

How nice it would be to travel a path from Point A to Point B to Point C and be assured that you would end up at Point D.

Though many refuse to see it, recovery is like that. When someone seeking to end their addiction A) applies the necessary insights and skills; B) assesses the application of those insights and skills; C) refines and repeats this process...they will achieve D) change. Every time. The course of change will depend on the individual, but change will occur. Losing weight is another example. When you A) determine the amount of calories (energy) you take in; B) determine the number of calories/energy that you exert; C) ensure that you exert more calories than you take in. This will lead to D) losing weight. Every time.

But when it comes to re-establishing trust in a relationship marred by the lies, betrayals and irrationalities associated with sexual addiction, there is no such path to 'D'. There are no assurances you will ever experience the comfort and security that come from having a partner you can rely on to tell you the truth. To communicate openly and completely with you. To act in a manner that is in the best interests of your shared goals and partnership. It doesn't matter how much effort you put into developing trust in the relationship...there will always be intangible factors that will directly influence the experience of trust--factors completely beyond your control. Understand this: you will not be able to develop trust for your partner. Nor will your partner be able to do anything that will make you trust him/her. Trust will be experienced only as a consequence of the actions that your partner takes and your ability to observe and interpret those actions. And still, even in the best of circumstances, you will rarely feel anything but fleeting brushes with trust. Instead, you will most commonly experience anxiety. The kind that plays with your head and tears at your heart.

This is a truth that will remain in your relationship long after the addiction ends. Should your partner make a full transition away from addiction, you will come to see his identity in a light not shaded by an umbrella of lies and secrecy and immaturity and irrationality. In this light, you will have the opportunity to experience many new things: intimacy, partnership and yes, trust. At least new in that you have never experienced the depths of these values with your partner previously. But the lifting of this umbrella remains a long way off. And that is a good thing for you both.

Gaining a partner's trust is one of the values that those in recovery seek more than any other. They use it to validate the changes that they are making to their lives--which is a good thing. But much too often, they are ill-prepared to actually manage that trust and so, it becomes a very dangerous threat to their recovery. It provides them with access to the very cracks and shadows where secrets fester. Where their secret life can be maintained. Does this mean that you should never trust your partner? No. Trust that he is being sincere. Trust that he has a desire to change. Trust that he wants to end the addiction. But always, always, always hold him accountable for his actions. And to do so means to trust yourself.

"You say that I cannot control the development of trust in our relationship. Is there anything that can be done to rebuild trust in our relationship?"

Absolutely. There are four major skills that can be developed that will facilitate the rebuilding of trust in a relationship.

Skill 1 Combine Vulnerability and Confidence

Namely, you allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the face of potentially catastrophic risk. And basing that vulnerability on choice, not ignorance, hope, fear, avoidance, etc. When you can honestly say to yourself, "I know that I can't control my partner's actions. I know that I must provide him with the opportunity to be my partner. I know that this comes with great risk. I know that this comes with the potential for great benefit. I am willing to take this risk because I have confidence in my ability to use my own boundaries and values to protect myself" then you have made yourself vulnerable in a healthy way. When you combine that vulnerability with the confidence to make decisions based on your perceptions, your values, your boundaries, your goals--then you will have developed a critical skill for experiencing trust in your partner.

Skill 2 Practice Absolute Honesty

While it applies to you both, this skill primarily focuses on your partner's ability to engage in absolute honesty with himself and those around him.

Skill 3 Develop Boundaries, Values and Goals
Skill 4 Communication

These last two skills are addressed in entire lessons in other parts of the workshop. Your responsibility is to recognize that they are critical in establishing a foundation for trust within your relationship.

Rebuilding Respect

Whereas trust is primarily something that must be experienced by you in relation to your partner's actions and your observations...the key to developing respect in your relationship lies with your partner, not you. It will not be your ability to respect your partner that will be at issue; it will be your partner's ability to develop respect for you. Given the incredibly shameful and disgusting acts that some sexual addict's engage in, it seems irrational to think that your respect for him will occur naturally, with little effort on your part. But it is true. You will either come to see him beyond his addiction, see the changes that he makes as real and appreciate him for making those changes...or you won't. There is nothing that can be said or done that will teach you how to respect your partner. Your respect for your partner will be redeveloped as a consequence of his actions, not yours.

This is not so with your partner developing respect for you.

In your partner's egocentric world, everyone plays a role--in his life. As the addiction progresses, these roles take on more and more importance in maintaining the shell of that life. One of the best indicators of a healthy recovery is when your partner begins to see these people not for the roles that they play, but for the individuals they are. This perception starts with you. Actually, it starts with changing how he identifies with himself...not as an addict, but as a person. But in terms of developing respect for you, he must begin to see you as an independent, vulnerable person who has just as much vested in life as he. This, as opposed to seeing you as 'his wife', 'the mother of his kids' or the like. He must come to respect you as his partner. Respect that you have chosen to share a part of your life with him; not merely someone who plays an important role in his life. He must come to respect that you have your own values and boundaries. Your own goals for the life that you live.

These are all perceptions that he has likely never experienced. Until now, it is highly likely that every perception that he has had regarding his partner was the role that that partner plays in his life. This must change. And while you can't directly force him to respect you as an individual, you can play a significant role in helping him to develop that respect. How? By learning to respect yourself.

Respect Yourself

As you know, it is typical of a partner of sexual addiction to (reluctantly) assume the addict's values and/or modify their own boundaries to avoid confrontation. By now, you should have identified this pattern and taken steps to reverse it by developing your own values, your own boundaries and your own goals. If you have begun this refinement, you should be well on your way to rebuilding your own identity. Lifting the fog that sets in over the course of another's addiction. This is also how you can best help your partner: by learning to respect the changes that you are making in your own life.

The stronger your realization that you are not a 'partner of a sexual addict', but rather, a person who has their own life to live. Who has to make decisions and take actions that influence that life. Who has a responsibility to manage that life. When you see this clearly...when you understand that your partner's addiction is just one part of the life that you must lead...then you will have established a healthy foundation for respecting yourself as an individual. This self-respect then needs to be assimilated in all other areas of your life. In communication, in decisions, in values and in boundaries. Develop a respect for yourself and the unique life that you are leading.

Will this approach guarantee that your partner will develop respect for you? Of course not. But it will guarantee that you put yourself in a position to be respected. As an individual. And, as a partner. Beyond that, there is little else you can do.