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Welcome to the Partner's Lesson Responses Forum. This forum is for those in the Partner's Workshop to receive feedback on their lessons and to serve as a way to track their own progress over the course of the workshop. Lesson One: The Road Ahead A. While each discovery of a partner's addiction is uniquely devastating, there are as well, many commonalities to be found. To assist the community in examining these commonalities, and to allow others to gain some perspective on your unique situation, take some time to share your background in relation to the discovery of your partner's sexual and/or romantic compulsions/addiction. As a reminder, please do not use any personally-identifying information in your post. B. There will come a time in your life when this crisis that you are now facing will be resolved. What that resolution might be cannot be determined, but rest assured, the crisis state that you are in will pass. In the box below, describe what you believe will be your final reaction to this crisis. This will not be easy. It will require that you look upon your own personality and make some "educated guesses" as to your ability to forgive, rebuild, etc. In other words, search your soul to see how you think you will ultimately respond to this situation. There are no right or wrong answers. C. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Over the next few days, begin listing these consequences on a separate sheet of paper (this list will be used in an upcoming lesson). Given the complex nature of
addiction, especially as it relates to the family and maintaining relationships,
this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It
will be important for you to consider the effects to your physical, emotional,
social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves, as well
as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong
answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your
life.
As a partner of someone with an addiction, you are forced to deal with consequences from actions that are beyond your control. Behaviors that are beyond your comprehension--incompatible with the values that you have come to base your life on. The behaviors associated with this addiction have certainly caused a significant disruption in the way that you live your life. And whether you stay in the relationship or not, issues have developed that must be addressed by you in order to regain control of your life. A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings. There are several guidelines to follow in writing this letter: 1) If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with anger, to the point where you experience a strong urge to act upon your emotions, then STOP. This is a letter that can be written at a later time. The benefit for doing it now is to purge yourself--in a safe and 'controlled' manner--of some of the extreme, intense emotions that you may be feeling. Or, to become aware of feelings that you may not have realized were there. 2) Do not write this letter in an environment where it can be read by your partner. This is for you to share your feelings openly and honestly--without thought to your partner's reaction. 3) If you would like to post this letter in your Personal Healing Thread, please do so, but it is not essential that you do. B. Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior? The key to this exercise will
be in your ability to write a letter that, if you were to read this from
their own hand, would fill you with confidence that they understand the
pain and confusion they have caused you.
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now? Example: "I continue to struggle with obsessive thoughts about where he and what he is doing when I'm not around. I have no sexual desire whatsoever. My moods range from apathy to despair. When we talk, I feel intense rage at what he has done to my life." B. Because you have experienced
a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation
of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common
patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and
years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal
with them. (There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin
looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with
even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced
will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your
life.
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone, offered free in the Partner's Zone. A. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind. B. Of the four areas discussed
in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner? How do YOU think
that such patterns can be resolved?
Earlier in the workshop, you were asked to create a list of consequences that you have had to face as a result of your partner's addiction. Refer to that list now and complete the following: A. Rate the effect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.
A. Make a list of at least ten values that you strive to base your life upon. Those values that guide your decisions, your actions. It is important that you consider the type of person that you want to be, as well as the type of person that you are. The goal will be to create a list of values that accurately represent who you are and the type of life that you want to lead. B. In your own words, how can
you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future
crisis)?
A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Not five minutes, not ten...not even fifteen interrupted minutes...fifteen uninterrupted minutes. Then, close your eyes and just feel. Feel the things that are important to you. Feel your values. Feel your regrets. Feel the trauma you have experienced. Feel the wonderful moments in your life. Let yourself experience all of the emotions that come to you--though allow these emotions to encompass a wide range. Focus on each emotion and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise). After you have done this for fifteen minutes or longer, open your eyes and answer the following: 1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced. 2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions. 3) If you could go back in
time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced
this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer? To regain balance, you must regain a perception of control over your life. A difficult task indeed while mired in the addiction of another. One of the most powerful ways of regaining control is to have a clear, realistic notion of what options are available to you. A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you. Example: 1. Recommit to the relationship; Stand by him in recovery. 2. Request a separation. Live apart. 3. Request an emotional separation. Live together. 4. File for divorce. 5. Take a "wait and see" approach to his/her recovery progress before making a decision on the relationship. B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them. C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How? Example: I. File for divorce. Obstacles: financial dependence, child-rearing, potential violence/threat to safety How to overcome: Financial dependence: develop a financial plan that will allow me to meet all of my families' basic needs. Child-rearing: develop a plan that would provide adequate care for my children while I work Potential Violence: contact authorities, file restraining order if needed D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?
Example: 1. He will end our relationship so that he may continue to engage in his sexual behaviors. 2. He will actively commit to recovery and develop into the man that he made himself out to be. 3. He will remain in the relationship for as long as possible, continuing his sexual behaviors until I make the decision to leave him.
Over the next several weeks, take the time to develop an actual plan of action in the case of a possible separation or divorce. Include every possible detail regarding things like: finances, housing, employment, child care, lawyer's fees, property exchanges, etc. Take the time to develop a thorough, well thought out plan that will provide you with some semblance of comfort should the decision be made to end the relationship. The goal of this project is not for you to prepare for separation or divorce, but to develop the knowledge that such an option is a viable one. That way, when it comes time for making decisions as to whether or not to remain in the relationship, you will not base those decisions on ignorance or insecurity, but through choice and control. Control over what is in your best interest. Information is not something
to fear; ignorance is. Preparation and diligence--the attributes required
to successfully make this plan--are attributes that promote balance and
stability within your life. Again, nothing for you to fear...and nothing
for your partner to fear, either.
A. Take some time to consider the roles that you have played in your partner's recovery. In the field below, describe those roles as they relate to: I. Communication II. Managing your partner's recovery III. Sexual intimacy IV. Yourself B. For those who have made
the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see",
considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that
you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship
that would increase it's chances for success?
While this workshop is about rebuilding your life, you are nonetheless impacted by the ongoing behavior of your partner (unless you have completely broken away from the relationship). For those who continue to be impacted by their partner's behavior: A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery? B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery? C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded? D. If you were to identify
three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to
see changed, what would they be? A. Brainstorm the areas of your relationship that you suspect MIGHT have been influenced by your partner's addiction. You have already documented the consequences of their addiction earlier in the workshop, so there is no need to duplicate your effort here. List only those subtle behaviors associated with sexual addiction that you suspect may have played a role in the following situations: a. Your courtship b. Your partner's sexual desire for you over the course of the relationship c. The ten biggest decisions that were made in your relationship (e.g. marriage, childbirth, housing, career) d. The seven biggest arguments/conflicts/difficulties that you have had B. If you were granted five specific questions to ask your partner regarding his/her behavior that were guaranteed to be answered honestly, what five questions would you ask? And what do you think the answers are? Examples: 1) Did you have an affair with your "friend" several years ago? 2) Do you have any secret internet accounts (or e-mail accounts, or porn subscriptions) that I don't know about? 3) Why did you make the decision to marry me? 4) Do you have any intention of stopping this behavior? 5) In 1998, you told me that
you went on a fishing trip with friends. Where were you really and who
were you with? In this lesson, it was touched upon how your values have most likely been altered as a result of your partner's behavior. Here, we will explore the resulting changes that took place to your value system. A. Describe three events in your relationship where you had doubts/suspicions about your partner's behavior but made the decision not to confront them. 1) What did you do? (e.g. tell a friend, eat a double-cheeseburger) 2) Would your approach change should the situation occur tomorrow? Why or why not? B. Discuss your partner's addiction. Given the information that you currently possess, what do you know of your partner's upbringing? Where/when do you think your partner first developed these destructive patterns? C. Optional: If you have no
idea about how the addiction may have developed and feel comfortable talking
to your partner in a compassionate way about such things, you are encouraged
to do so. Obviously, this will not apply to everyone. Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational. A. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Really break it down thoroughly. Try to get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words. B. In most situations involving irrational behavior, healthy people (and we will assume you are one) are able to recognize the irrationality of the situation and make alternate, rational choices accordingly. What do you believe drives their ability to do this? C. In your gut, why do you
believe your partner has acted in such an illogical/irrational manner?
Why would they jeopardize so much for so little in return? Be absolutely
honest with yourself in considering your answer.
A. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he? Note: The answers to these questions will form the crux of what he needs to master in his own recovery process. A foundation must be built that is capable of managing his life (emotional and otherwise) in a healthy way. Until now, he has relied heavily on the intensity associated with compulsivity--that simply must change or the pattern of addiction will never resolve. B. How do you manage your stress?
What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you
would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape
from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned
to such a measure? Can you relate to how it felt at the time? And how
irrational it felt afterwards? In this lesson, you were guided through a rather mechanical means for measuring compulsive behavior. What should it mean to you? Very little. Except to reinforce the notion that such compulsivity is best understood objectively and mechanically. By gaining a functional awareness of your partner's actions, you will better be able to isolate yourself from the emotions that are attached. This helps you now by distancing yourself even further from any association/responsibility you may be holding onto in relation to your partner's actions; it helps you down the road by allowing you to observe further actions in an objective and rational manner. However, this measuring technique is just that, a technique. A skill. It is a wrapper for mechanically understanding the very abstract concept of compulsions. That's all. So as a partner, don't spend too much time trying to master this aspect of compulsions--it is more of a recovery technique. Why it is important to you is to provide you with an introduction--a paradoxical shift--in the way in which compulsive behavior can be seen. A. Consider a behavior that you have engaged in recently that produced some type of positive emotional stimulation. Break this behavior down into its emotional elements. Into the times when emotions were experienced as a result of your actions, thoughts, etc. Ideally, this situation would have between 7-10 emotional elements that you could track throughout the experience. Identify the emotional elements. Example: Situation: Went to
the Thrift Store B. Do your best to break down
one of your partner's sexually-compulsive behaviors in a similar way.
Put yourself in his/her mind, what emotional experiences do you feel he/she
experienced throughout the act? Important: break-down only a single behavior--a
snapshot in time--not an ongoing pattern of behaviors.
A. Make a list of the ten biggest stressors in your life that you believe are currently affecting your emotional well-being. For each item, document whether each stressor is mild, moderate, severe or extreme: Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce....extreme 2) Lost respect among friends and family...moderate 3) Finances...
B. Assign each value to one of the following columns: Plays no role in my emotions; Plays a small role in my emotions; Plays a large role in my emotions; Plays an enormous role in my emotions. Example: No Role: extended family Small Role: physical health Large Role: spirituality, sexual intimacy Enormous Role: family, self-respect
D. In your own words, and considering
what you have learned so far...what do you think the role of addiction
has played in your partner's life? A. Now that you have considered the role that sexual addiction might have played in your life, in your opinion, and knowing what you should now know about addiction...what are some of the reasons that it didn't develop? B. Reviewing your exercise
results from the lesson itself, at what point do you think you would have
recognized that you were addicted? What do you think you could have done
about it? How do you think you would have hidden your sexual addiction
from others? A. Since beginning the workshop, what, if any, have been the biggest changes in your perception of addiction? How has your perception of your partner's prospect for recovery changed? Assume for a minute that you logged on to the Internet and discovered that this site was permanently closed. B. Describe how you would manage
your own healing process. In other words, develop your own healing plan
to help you make a complete transition from the pain you once felt to
the state of mind that you would like to achieve. What would it consist
of? What resources would you utilize? What skills would you still need
to develop? Be creative. This does not need to be an exhaustive plan--even
a step by step outline of what you think you would do would suffice. A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive? B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis. C. Discuss a time when you
were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative
experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would
have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define
your own support system? A. Identify the consequences that you are experiencing that may be reflective of a possible situational depression Example: Identify Possible Symptoms of Depression that I am Experiencing I often snack/eat when there
is a lull in the day
Example: How Those Symptoms Affect Me Now Snacking--throws off nutritional
balance, which influences energy level. Guilt drains emotional resources.
Example: Additional Stressors That I am Having to Deal With Father passed away last summer
D. Write yourself a compassionate letter that emphasizes the reality of the situation that you face. More than anything, this letter should represent a personal understanding that you are doing the best that you can, given the emotional and physical resources you have available to you. The focus of this letter is not on your partner's behavior, nor the consequences of that behavior. Instead, it is to focus on the reality of where you find yourself today--and where you are headed. The tone should be positive and written to yourself--as if you were the only one that will ever read it. Example: Letter to Myself Dear Me, This has not been an easy time in my life. I am still trying to cope with my father's death, and then I discover my wife having engaged in numerous affairs over the past year. It just isn't fair. I have tried so hard to live a good, moral life, so why is this happening to me? Why am I being challenged like this? I guess the answer really doesn't
matter...as all that does matter is that I am being challenged, and I
know that there is only one option...and that is for me to step up and
meet that challenge. But I so badly want to just give up--to be content
in sleeping the rest of my life away. But what kind of life would that
really be? Not the kind that I want to live, that's for sure. So, I must
push forward. And this is how I'm going to do it... (continue on to outline
a general overview of how you will go about making the changes that need
to be made in your life to overcome the situation that you find yourself
in. Address any real symptoms of situational depression that you may be
facing. If you are uncertain as to how to deal with something specific,
do a little research, or ask for feedback in the community support forum.) A. List three behaviors that you have engaged in since discovering your partner's addiction that you would now describe as destructive: B. Pick one of the behaviors listed above and answer the following: a) What decision-making process did you engage in before taking this action? b) How did you feel just prior to taking this action? c) How did you feel as you were actively engaged in this action? d) How did you feel after you
completed this action? A. Previously, you listed the consequences your partner's behavior has had on your life. Today, consider the consequences that your partner's behavior has had on your partner. What consequences of his/her actions has he/she had to face? List both the imposed consequences (i.e. from you, legal, etc.) and the natural consequences (lost respect, shame, etc.) B. Review the list above, ensuring that you have made a complete and unbiased inventory of your partner's consequences. After this review, list below any additional consequences that you believe your partner needs to experience in accepting responsibility for their behavior. I know that this is not an easy question to answer as it requires you to make educated guesses--not certainties. Early in the workshop, you were asked to write a letter from your husband/wife to you--reviewing that letter now should provide an excellent start in helping you to determine what issues might still need to be resolved before you allow yourself to move forward. C. In your own words, describe the roles that blame, punishment and/or responsibility have played in response to your partner's behavior. For instance, unhealthy roles might include: you using blame to sabotage his/her recovery because YOU are not ready to move on; using recurring blame to punish your partner; using blame/punishment as an anger management tool; using blame/punishment as a means for gaining control. Healthy roles might include: developing a clear list of your partner's expectations/responsibilities allowed you to gain a sense of control; you using the act of blame to recognize unresolved feelings. There are no right or wrong
answers here--only a deepening awareness. A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life? B. Referring specifically to your partner, take some time to consider the addictive patterns over the course of his/her lifetime. Imagine your partner as a child. Imagine them as a teen. Imagine them as an adult. Imagine them in other relationships. Gain a firm grasp as to how similar patterns have helped them to manage their life. What thoughts come to mind? C. What does it mean to 'humanize'
your partner? Why is this important in forgiveness and in seeking closure
to the current crisis? A. In a healthy, balanced life, the majority of time is spent engaged in activities that are closely related to your values--many values, not just a few. Assess the time that you have spent over the past few weeks. Do you think that you have engaged in efficient time management skills? Why or why not? B. Crises can significantly disrupt time management. How has your crisis effected your usual time management skills? What will need to happen for those skills to again dominate? C. When time management suffers
for an extended period, a return to your values (and a redefinition of
your goals) is almost always the best remedy. Take out your current values
list (created earlier in the workshop) and update it accordingly. Reprioritize
the values that are there. Add new values as they have developed. Complete the activity as described
in the lesson. A. Choose a value that you would like to strengthen in your life. Then, set out to do so. Develop a plan that will allow you to further the value of this value in your life. B. Become the teacher. Post
a summary of how you went about strengthening one of your values. Share
why you chose this particular value to strengthen (if a relevant reason
exists), and how you went about strengthening it. A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable. Example: Value: Trust Rule #1 I will be honest with my partner at all times. Rule #2 An omission of the truth is the same as a lie. Rule #3 When I lie about the smaller details of an event, my partner has that right to assume that I am lying about the main details as well. Rule #4 When I have been untruthful, I will accept responsibility and be held accountable exactly as outlined in our contract Rule #5 On occasion, my partner has the right to take into account all of the circumstantial evidence to come to their own conclusions towards an event. They do not need absolute proof. Rule #6 In a conflict, the most logical explanation will be the one that is accepted, with bizarre or unlikely excuses accepted only when they can be proven. Value: Sexual Intimacy Rule #1 I always have the right to say no or stop my involvement in sexual behavior if I feel uncomfortable. Rule #2 ...
Example: Engaged in an affair that I initially tried to avoid.
Example: Your spouse expects
you to have sex on demand. A. Review the list of rules that you created for yourself in the previous exercise and compare them to your current list of values. Are they sufficient in allowing you to protect those values? Most likely, they are not. Over the next several months, keep a log of the moderate to major events that occur in your life, and assess your ability to deal with these events in terms of your existing boundaries. Family arguments, decisions, chore assignments, etc. All are related to your values, and all should have boundaries that protect those values. With each event, identify the specific event, the values that were infringed upon, the existing boundaries that were in place to protect those values and any additional rules/boundaries that may help you the next time you face a similar situation. You will not be turning this information in to anyone or posting it anywhere. It is strictly for you to formalize the process of developing your personal boundaries and reinforcing how those boundaries can be altered 'on the fly' to protect your values. Example: Event: I had plans to attend dinner with a platonic, female friend who was in town on business. My wife didn't want me going and we argued for several days about the decision. Her main argument was that she didn't trust me--though I have done nothing to earn that assumption in over two years. The decision was made that I would go, but at the last minute she called to say that she had to work late. As I had no other choice, I cancelled dinner to stay home and watch the kids. Reaction: Felt frustrated, helpless. Taken advantage of. Manipulated. Values Involved: Respect; Partnership; Personal Growth; Honesty (and more) Existing Boundaries: When one of us is going to be late, we call. When we speak to each other, we speak in specifics, not generalities. When decisions are made in terms of prioritizing time, children's activities come before our own. When our personal growth time is infringed upon, we have that time made up in other ways. Their Effectiveness in Managing this Situation: Poor. All boundaries were adhered to, but I still felt taken advantage of, violated, disrespected. New Boundaries Needed: Current trust boundaries were insufficient in managing the event. Will need to adjust as follows: Old Boundary: When we speak to each other, we speak in specifics, not generalities. New Boundaries: When we communicate,
all questions will be answered in specifics. When we communicate, will
make every effort to offer all relevant information without having to
be asked for it. An omission of information will be treated the same as
a lie. We will each subscribe to a policy of absolute honesty towards
each other. With these boundaries in place, an assumption of trust will
exist. #1: Consider the following situations and share what your response would be in each: Situation #1: Situation #2: Situation #3: Situation #4 Situation #5: A. Make a list of values/goals relating to your existing relationship (or future relationship) that you can use to help guide you. Ensure that you limit this list to what is absolutely necessary in establishing/maintaining the relationship. B. For each value listed, what boundaries do you have in place that will ensure that this value remains protected? C. For each goal, what will
be your initial response at the first sign of action contrary to that
goal?
A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)? B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference) C. What values, if any, are
you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful
response, not a prideful one.
Healing contracts can be an extremely effective tool in helping you to regain control and stability. And while they are similar in nature to the contracts used in the Couple's Workshop--the healing contract is more of a personal contract used to establish your boundaries. A. Develop a Healing Contract as outlined in the lesson and post it in your Personal Healing Thread for feedback. B. Describe a realistic situation
where you can see the Healing Contract coming into play to assist you. Rather than labeling yourself 'codependent', it is much healthier to think in terms of the patterns that you have engaged in that may be obstructing the recovery and/or healing process. A. What patterns are you NOW ENGAGING IN that may be impeding the healing/recovery process? What unhealthy roles/thought patterns might you be holding onto? B. Of these patterns/roles, what have you done/think you should do to change them? If you did not relate to anything
in this lesson, there is no need to respond to this exercise. Early in the workshop, you were asked to identify the consequences of your partner's addiction on your life. Invariably, these consequences are often destructive. Here, you are asked to identify the positive consequences of your efforts in the healing process. A. Since the discovery, what have you discovered about yourself that has surprised you? B. What areas of your life have you strengthened? C. What insights have you gained
that will make future relationships stronger and more stable? This lesson laid the foundation for developing/rebuilding values that have been skewed/neglected by addiction. In preparation for future development, complete the following: A. Describe your current ability to engage in sexual intimacy. What areas are you struggling with? What fears do you have? What goals? Note, this is in relation to YOU, not your partner or the addiction. How ready are you to experience sexual intimacy? B. If applicable, describe your partner's current state of sexual intimacy. Putting the addiction aside, what do you see as his/her greatest obstacles in rebuilding sexual intimacy? C. If you were to prioritize
the top three elements of the intimacy wheel, what would they be? What
additional elements would you add to your own intimacy wheel? I. Like forgiveness, experiencing trust for your partner in the wake of sexual addiction is not something that you can will to reality. Trust will be experienced by you, not produced. Think of the four critical skills that were outlined in the lesson and share a current assessment as to where you are with each. II. For each critical skill above, create a small action plan that will help develop that skill to the next level...wherever that level may be. In other words, what immediate steps do you think need to be taken to strengthen that skill within yourself, your partner or your relationship? III. Early in the workshop,
you were already exposed to the consequences of your partner's addiction
on your self-esteem and self-respect. Hopefully, these are two areas that
have strengthened considerably over the past few months. No matter where
you are in terms of self-respect now (strong or weak)...develop an outline
of why you, as a woman (or man)...as a mother (or father)...as a partner...as
a human being...deserve to be respected. Rely on your value system to
guide you. Write it as a statement, not an argument. Write it with confidence.
Write it so that, should your value or worthiness ever come into question...you
will recognize immediately that the issue is not with you, but the person
who is not respecting you as an individual.
I. For this exercise, put your intellect away. Mourning is an emotional experience, not an intellectual exercise. How you achieve the goals outlined in the lesson should be unique to you. The only critical directive is that, when you have properly mourned for your losses, take at least fifteen minutes (several hours, preferably) to celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life. Your experiences. To recognize the ebb and flow of your life span and your current place within it. To reconnect to your individuality, your esteem and to the control that you have over your future. II. Optional, share your experiences
with this process. Again, don't worry about the intellectual aspects of
communicating. Just share. Let it make no sense to anyone but yourself,
if needs be. Just share your thoughts as an individual who is breaking
free/has broken free from the grasp of another's addiction.
I. Identify the areas of your life where addiction remains the prevalent indicator in your decision-making. Especially consider high-value areas of your life such as family, friends, career, etc. II. For each area that remains influenced by your partner's addiction, what actions would you take should your partner not be addicted? In other words, if you only relied on your value system to guide you, what decisions would you make in relation to these areas? III. Part of your Personal
Relapse Plan involves the need to assess the times when you have lost
focus on your values in decision-making Develop this area now. Think about
your decision-making processes when you are primarily influenced by your
partner's addiction. Think about your decision-making processes when you
are primarily influenced by your values. What triggers can you look for
that will allow you to recognize when you are engaging in unhealthy decision-making
patterns? When you recognize these triggers, what actions will you take? Develop your own Relapse Plan
as outlined in the lesson. Remember that this is intended to be a fluid,
adjustable plan. What you are doing here is establishing the baseline
from which to work. Feel free to adapt this plan to your style and need. I. Consider your 'life beyond addiction'. Considering the expectations you outlined in Lesson Two of this workshop relating to what life will be like once this crisis has been resolved, have there been many changes in the expectations that you have for yourself? Your partner? Your partnership? II. What do you see as the
greatest potential threat(s) to your value system (Hint: think inward,
not outward)? Are you confident in your ability to effectively manage
those threats? If not, make it a priority to become so.
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