| |
|
Partner's Workshop: Stage One; Lesson Seven
Your
Role in Recovery/Healing
When
discussing your role in your partner's recovery, it is necessary
to take into consideration where that relationship stands. We
will discuss the three most likely situations here.
Situation
#1 Those Who Have Decided to End the Relationship
If
you have already made the decision to end the relationship with
your partner, your role should be extremely limited in terms of
your involvement in his/her recovery. The healthiest thing that
you can do for yourself is to accept that you made the best decisions
you were capable of making at any given time--given the reality
of the situations you found yourself in--and to move on. Which,
incidentally, is what you have done in making the decision to
end the relationship. You came to a decision--based on the information
that you had available to you--and made the choice to move on.
Was it the best choice? Who knows. Certainly not you. Certainly
not your partner. Just like your choice to get involved in the
relationship to begin with, you can only do what you think is
in your best interest. Whether it was in your best interest or
not is what life is all about. There will be no absolute right
or wrong here.
For
instance, you can make the decision to end the relationship which
may trigger a reality check for your partner, who then motivates
himself/herself through a permanent recovery by the loss of the
relationship. Or, it might trigger a major relapse that ends in
his/her death. It is impossible for you to know. And with each
decision you make comes many additional unknown consequences--like
how it will affect your children, your living arrangements, future
relationships. It would be easy to believe that ending your relationship
(well, not really ending...because if there are kids involved,
it would be altering the relationship) would have a negative impact
on your children, but this is not necessarily the case. There
are many potentially positive outcomes from such a decision--especially
as they relate to not only your own role-modeling, but your partner's
as well. The point: all you can control is the decisions that
you make now. And if you have made the decision to end the relationship...don't
look back. Stop wasting your time analyzing all of the signs that
you may have missed. Stop looking for the mistakes that you might
have made. Stop trying to make sense of it all. At least for now.
There may come a time, after you have moved on with your life,
where it will be appropriate and healthy for you to look back
and learn...but not now. Now, your role is to regain stability
and begin moving forward again. One of the greatest consequences
of such a decision is that you have freed yourself from having
to deal with your partner's addiction. You are free to move on.
"Even
though I've decided to end the relationship, I still care about
him and want to see him get through this."
That
is understandable and admirable...but for all but the rarest of
couples, unrealistic. If you have made the decision to end the
relationship...end it. You go your way, he/she goes theirs. And
again, except when children are involved...limit the interactions
that you have with this person. As strange as this may sound,
that actually provides you both with the best way of pursuing
a future reconciliation, as it allows your partner the time to
change for the right reasons...and it allows you time
to rebuild confidence in living your own life. Should there come
a time when reconciliation is pursued, much of the baggage that
those who choose to work through this recovery process with their
partners will face, will have already been eliminated. And the
reconciliation proceeds with a much stronger, healthier foundation.
This has played out in couple after couple after couple. Learn
from the pain and experiences of others.
A
possible alternative? Ending the romantic aspects of the relationship,
but continuing on as their support partner. You remain the person
they lean on for social and emotional support...but secretly (and
sometimes not so secretly), they have only one goal in mind: reconciliation.
Everything they do during their "recovery", is focused
on getting you to believe in them again and to give the relationship
"one more chance". This, too, has been played out over
and over...with the same devastating consequences. Such a recovery
scenario places way too much pressure on you to offer support
that you should be receiving, not giving; places you in an unfair
position of "having" to reconcile should changes occur;
and it takes away your partner's need to rediscover himself/herself.
Any person struggling with an addiction would jump at the chance
for an "If I do this, I get this in return" scenario.
As in, "If I stop acting out, you must give us another chance."
And whether you verbally agree to that or not, it will be how
it is perceived by your partner.
If
you have made the decision to end the relationship: take the focus
off of your partner's addiction and focus only on yourself. You
have earned that right. Especially if you have experienced what
most partner's experience in such a relationship.
Situation
#2 Those Who Have Decided to Remain Committed to the Relationship
First,
if this decision was made in the context of what you believe to
be in your best interest over the course of your life (socially,
economically, personally)...if it was made after considering all
that you have already invested in this relationship...if it was
made after considering all of the wonderful qualities that your
partner possesses--apart from the addiction...if it was made out
of the sincerest love for your partner and the desire to see him/her
through this "illness"...then you have made it for the
right reasons. You deserve the utmost admiration and respect for
your ability to see the forest through the trees, and--as long
as your partner maintains their desire and effort to make a healthy
transition in their life--you stand an excellent chance of being
rewarded many times over for your decision to stay. And most often,
you will end up gaining so much more from your existing relationship
than you would have by starting over with someone new. But again,
this almost exclusively pertains to couples that have invested
much in each other over the years.
If,
however, you have made the decision to stay in the relationship
because you feel as if you are partly responsible for your partner's
behavior...you believe that it is in your children's best interest
to remain in the relationship...you feel that your partner would
be devastated without you...you feel that your partner couldn't
recover without you...or that your self-esteem is so low that
you believe that you deserve to be in such a relationship...or
if you feel that because you will never experience the love that
you want, "something is better than nothing"...then
you have made the decision to stay for unhealthy reasons. You
still deserve compassion, guidance and support to help you through
this difficult time, but where you are headed will remain a mystery.
And of special concern, is the common scenario where such a relationship
survives the recovery/healing process...but then dissolves soon
afterwards.
Why after? Because when the relationship is built (or rebuilt)
on a faulty foundation, the very essence of a healthy relationship--mutual
respect, equality, admiration--is never experienced. Even in a
best case scenario, where the personal growth achieved by the
individual in recovery is extensive...it will be this very growth
that triggers their glaring awareness in the faults that exist
within your relationship. The differences that your partner sees
between him/her and you will be amplified considerably; your personal
weaknesses magnified intensely. And, they will expect something
to be done about it. Just as they have overcome their weaknesses,
the expectations will be there for you to do the same. Doesn't
seem fair, does it? But it will happen. At least to those couples
that remain together for unhealthy reasons. Just remember, it
has nothing to do with fairness...and everything to do with human
nature. And also remember, it can be avoided...but only by you
playing a healthy role in your partner's recovery. A role that
begins with you making the decision to work through this for the
right reasons. This same phenomenon involving the perception of
the person in recovery occurs in the first group as well--those
choosing to remain in the relationship for the right reasons.
But because that relationship is being rebuilt on a sound foundation,
the partner in recovery has a much different reaction. Rather
than to focus on "how much they've grown, but their partner
has not"...they look upon their partner's strengths and suffering
with respect and admiration. They look upon their partner's weaknesses
with compassion and forgiveness. They understand and appreciate
the role that their partners have played in their recovery, and
feel genuine remorse for what they have put their partner's through
during the addiction--a remorse that often triggers the feelings
of unconditional and admirational love.
Which
will you experience? You need look no further than the following
two areas for the answer:
1)
The role you take in your partner's addiction
2)
The role you partner takes in his/her addiction
And
since you can only control the first, that is what we will expand
upon.
No
matter what your reasons for continuing the relationship, the
following is an overview of the roles that you should play in
assisting your partner through his/her recovery to give the relationship
the best chance for long-term success and personal fulfillment:
Communication
The
roles you should/shouldn't play:
-
Attempt
to engage in open, non-threatening communication--many in recovery
find that a supportive, caring, compassionate person to talk
openly to is invaluable in their recovery process. Quite often,
their lives have become so emotionally isolated, that you--the
person that represents their moral selves--are the only one
they can even comprehend talking to on such an honest level
(Yes, honest. Only those who desire to protect their addiction
remain secretive and dishonest; those who are sincere about
changing will experience a catharsis when having the opportunity
to share openly and honestly in a safe environment with someone
that loves them). Such a catharsis will assist greatly in reversing
the "separate lives" that exist within most addicts.
If you are capable of such safe communication, you will most
likely find a very sincere, open person who is willing to tell
you anything. If, on the other hand, you are unable to, and
such a conversation turns to anger, demands and accusations--you
will find your partner to be aloof, secretive, angry and will
go to any lengths to hide the truth from you. Not to punish
you, but rather, they will shut down emotionally for the same
reasons the destructive behavior was pursued originally: emotional
immaturity.
- Encourage
your partner to seek emotional support for their addiction-related
issues elsewhere (counselor, support group, pastor)--if you do not
feel capable of offering unconditional support at this time (or any
given time). This is in your best interest, as well as your partner's.
If you are not prepared to hear your partner's clumsy stabs at trying
to explain/understand/rationalize their behavior (a common mistake
in early recovery, but one that helps them to achieve eventual enlightenment)...if
hearing what you perceive as excuses for their behavior will only
serve to frustrate and anger you...then you should give yourself (and
your partner) time to develop a more matured perspective on the addiction.
- Set
up mutual ground rules for intensely emotional conversations. Rules
like, "if either one of us starts to feel uncomfortable, the
conversation temporarily ends and is picked back up in ten minutes."
Or, "only "I" statements (taking responsibility for
oneself) will be made--as opposed to "You" statements (more
accusatory)." There are literally hundreds of healthy communication
boundaries that may or may not work for your particular relationship.
Spend thirty minutes in the library or online together checking out
how to improve your communication skills in times of crises. Then
work together to come up with your own ground rules for effective, non-threatening, safe communication.
It will not only pay huge dividends now, but for the remainder of
your lives together.
- Understand
that your partner will not be capable of providing you with all of
the emotional support that you will need for your own healing to occur.
And sometimes, not even a little at first. They may want to provide
it, they may do whatever they can to provide it, but what you are
looking for will need to come from sources outside of your relationship.
Your partner lacks the skills and self-awareness required to understand their own behavior, and so they are impotent to help you understand their behavior. The
best they will be able to do is to communicate their own guesses and/or
regurgitate theories/hypotheses gathered from other sources--this
workshop included. Neither of which will create the confidence that
you are seeking--that will only come months into their recovery, as
they begin to apply such theories with success.
- Limit
the amount of focus that is placed on addiction and addiction recovery.
Ruminating over your partner's past behavior/ obsessing over their
current behavior/worrying over their future behavior can be just as
destructive to the relationship as the behavior itself. It can keep
you trapped in your own mind for months and even years--neglecting
the very things that need the most attention for recovery/healing
to take place. For your partner, one of the major goals in recovery
is to learn new skills and integrate them into their lives. One of
your goals in helping your partner, is to role-model those skills
in everyday life. This cannot be done when the focus is continuously
focused on negative things. A good rule to follow is that for every
fifteen minutes of negative communication that takes place throughout
the day, thirty minutes should be dedicated to positive aspects of
the relationship--discussing developing values, future plans, etc.
It will be your focus on positive growth and change that will be one
of the biggest triggers in helping your partner do the same.
- Do
not repeatedly voice accusations, suspicions and/or doubts about their
behavior. It does neither of you any good. Most likely, your suspicions
are accurate, but that is not the point. The harder you push for the
truth, the more trapped they feel...and to protect themselves, the
further they retreat into their protective world. A world where their
reality is whatever they allow themselves to think at the time. Yes,
they know they acted in a certain way. Yes, they know they were caught.
Yes, they know that they are lying. But for some strange, irrational
reason, without irrefutable proof of these lies--and sometimes even
that is not enough--they will "fantasize their way out".
That is, they will come up with the most remote, complex lies and
half-truths that, in their mind, could be true. And
because it "could be true", and you can't prove that it
isn't true...they have somehow won the argument. Bizarre, sure...but
no less accurate as to how they often experience such a confrontation.
Another common reaction is for them to reverse the confrontation--placing
you at the center of the attack. The only good that ever comes out
of ongoing accusations and suspicions is a temporary release of anger...but
there are much healthier and significantly more productive ways to
accomplish that.
- Offer
positive, productive feedback as to their growth. Openly share with
them the things that you admire about them, the changes that you see.
This reinforces such positive change, and helps build confidence in
what I promise you is an extremely damaged self-esteem.
- Communicate
your needs to your partner, without expecting them to be met right
away. Begin actively listening to your partner's needs; without feeling
the pressure of you being responsible for meeting them.
Managing
Their Recovery
The
roles you should/shouldn't play:
- In
a nutshell, you shouldn't play even the slightest role in managing
their recovery. The only exception to this, would be if they
seem to be in danger, or in danger of harming someone else...at
which case you might need to take the responsibility for getting
the proper resources to your partner. But that is it. Everything
else should be managed through them or their main source of
support (e.g. counselor, pastor, etc.). Why? For one, even the
simplest of behaviors....like setting up therapy appointments,
are skills that he/she will need to develop anyway. And if they
are unwilling to make their recovery enough of a priority to
take the responsibility to pick up a phone, or to read a requested
book...well, they certainly will not have the motivation to
take the steps that need to be taken in order to change these
patterns for good. Your inclusion in such behavior, while certainly
done with the best of intentions, often perpetuates the very
dependence and emotional immaturity where addiction flourishes.
- There
is one other reason for not taking even the smallest role in
managing your partner's recovery, and that is because once you
have...you are then invested in taking responsibility for the
success of that recovery. And for every bit of responsibility
you take, it is less responsibility that your partner has to
take. Addicts have the uncanny ability of manipulating/taking
advantage of others to avoid responsibility.
- Recovery,
just like addiction, is their responsibility. Your responsibility
is to never forget that.
Assessing
Progress in Recovery
What
you should/shouldn't do:
-
Educate
yourself to what a healthy recovery process looks/feels like
- Ensure
that both you and your partner have a clear expectation for your partner's
recovery path--that way, when you see/feel him/her straying from that
path, you can offer productive, objective support--rather than emotional,
panicked reactions. Not that you should be inflexible in assessing
this progress, only that you are armed with enough information to
help you see through the bullshit. There is no recovery process that
will be exactly like another...but there are patterns of behavior
that are quite common--with quite common results.
- With
two exceptions, do not resort to monitoring their progress via lie-detector
testing, computer/internet monitoring, private detectives, etc. Such
tools are behavior-focused and often sacrifice long-term health for
short-term control. That is not a sacrifice you should be willing
to make. Not if your intentions are to live the rest of your life
with this person. Focus instead on those internal changes that are
being made...and the only monitoring that you will need will be communication
and instinct.
- The
two exceptions: 1) That such monitoring is taking place with your
partner's support and 2) That such monitoring is not being used as
a punitive measuring tool, or the sole measuring tool in assessing
progress.
Sexuality/Intimacy
What
you should/shouldn't do:
-
Above
all else, when it comes to sexual intimacy you should be true
to your own heart, mind and body. If you desire to be with your
partner, allow yourself to be with him/her fully. Even if you
begin to feel repulsed when they touch you, or angry when thoughts
of what they have done with others appear in your head-- know
that you have the right to safely stop at any time. While you
are with them, focus on experiencing them. Share your full self
with them. Why? Because in the end, even if they make the decision
to continue with their addiction and jeopardize the relationship--you
will have been true to your own values, and that is something
that will provide you with strength down the road.
- Be
aware of setting yourself (or your partner) up for failure. If you
know that you are vulnerable, or emotionally unstable...do not continue
to engage in sexual situations that end in emotional disaster. It
adds one more dimension to this crisis that is not necessary. If that
means that you both refrain from pursuing sexual activity for a particular
period of time, so be it. That frustration is much easier to deal
with than to have to completely rebuild sexual intimacy from within
a damaged relationship. Rebuilding your relationship's sexuality to
the point where it does not trigger vulnerabilities will be very,
very hard. Forcing such a rebuilding process when either of you are
not ready can be disastrous.
- Understand
that they may experience some extremely screwed-up sexual values,
and that they may feel repulsed at the thought of engaging in sexual
behavior with you. This is not uncommon, and has nothing to do with
their desire for you, or their attraction to you. In a healthy recovery,
many changes are taking place that will leave your partner vulnerable
and exposed. While such a state is conducive to core changes taking
place in their life, it is also conducive to a wide variety of extreme
reactions--especially when childhood abuse and/or neglect is involved.
- Be
aware of your partner trying to use you to replace their sexual addiction.
- Be
aware of your own tendency to want to "experience their addiction"
through role-playing, fantasy or actual behavior with other people.
You must stay true to yourself, and the things that you value.
- Never
allow yourself to be used as a masturbation tool--unless it is mutually
agreed upon/fulfilling. If your instincts are saying that your partner
is not "there"...through fantasy, habit, or whatever...chances
are they are not.
- If
you are uncomfortable with particular behaviors that your partner
exhibits, set firm boundaries that take into consideration what you
are willing to accept. For instance, if your partner insists on viewing
pornography before coming to bed, and expects you to then have sex
with him--leaving you feeling used and disgusted...stand up for yourself.
Set such boundaries long before you are forced into such a situation.
- A
common behavior for many sexual addicts is to constantly sexualize
their environment. This is a habit that has been developed over time,
and it is a hard one to break. Quite often, many of these sexual thoughts/behaviors
existed secretly within their minds. But during recovery, this secret
world gets dissolved...but the thoughts do not instantly stop. Instead,
they find their way into all other aspects of the person's life (if
they weren't there already). For you specifically, this would be seen
in a constant pattern of "sexual harassment" that exists
within your relationship. Through constant playful sexual behavior
(e.g. breast touching, butt patting, crotch rubbing) and sexual conversation
(sexually-oriented jokes, comments about attractive people)...an unhealthy
environment is created within the relationship that destroys intimacy.
Be aware that you have the right to confront your partner about this
behavior...and to have an expectation that it will stop. But know
that it will not be easy.
Forgiveness
There
is an entire lesson on this later in the workshop and so we will
only discuss here the reality that you will never forget what
you have experienced as a result of their behavior. And, you should
never be expected to forgive. Forgiveness is not something you
intellectually offer someone, it is something that you intuitively
feel. And such feelings cannot be controlled...merely experienced.
Yourself
What
you should do:
-
Regain
a sense of who you are and what your life is all about
- Regain
confidence in your ability to exist as a person with and without your
partner
- You
have already committed yourself to working through this crisis, so
give yourself the best chance at success. Fully commit to rebuilding
the relationship. Now, this does not mean that you blindly accept
whatever is offered in hopes of saving/maintaining the relationship,
but rather, you work to develop and promote the type of relationship
(and skills needed to achieve such a relationship) that you desire
with 100% commitment.
- Role-model appropriate life skills. Role-model the very skills and
emotions that you would like for your partner to develop and display--offering
feedback as to their progress.
- Of
course, there are many more issues relating to taking care of yourself
in recovery, and they will continue to be expanded upon throughout
the workshop
Situation
#3 Those Who Have Decided "Not to Decide"
This
is actually a temporary category--as eventually, there are only
two healthy choices that you can make: you can stay or you can go. Those who do not feel comfortable
with making such a decision just yet--and there is no reason to
rush such an important choice--will remain in emotional limbo
until that decision is made..unable to commit to their future.
As always, there are healthy, and unhealthy reasons for remaining
in this category:
Unhealthy
Reasons for Indecisiveness:
- Holding
on until 'someone better' comes along
- Being
afraid to face life 'alone'
- Feeling
embarrassment/shame at the thought of disclosing the failed relationship
to others
- Hoping
that things will resolve on their own
- Waiting
for some irrefutable sign that your partner is unable to be rehabilitated
- Waiting
for some irrefutable sign that your partner has been rehabilitated
- Your
partner has refused to change his/her behavior, but you are hoping
that he/she will come to their senses when faced with your threats
to leave/pressure
Healthy
Reasons for Indecisiveness:
-
Your
partner has openly and actively committed to changing their life,
and you want to give them the opportunity to do just that before
making the decision to stay or go. With clear boundaries in place,
this can be a very healthy approach to take.
-
Though
you doubt their ability/sincerity to permanently change their
life, you have invested so much of yourself in the relationship
that you feel it is worth the risk to find out.
- You
have come to the conclusion that your partner's current behavior is
not worth sacrificing the entire relationship, but you know that if
it expands, you will have no choice. Again, this can be healthy only
when there are clear boundaries in place to define that expansion.
- You
do not know what all of your options are. Leaving spontaneously might
place you in a precarious situation legally, financially, parentally,
socially, etc., and so you want time to prepare to make such a decision
in a responsible manner.
Exercise Seven
A. Consider
the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field
below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication
II. Managing your partner's
recovery
III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?
C. (optional) For those who have made
the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see",
considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that
you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship
that would increase its chances for success?
|
|
