Partner's Workshop: Stage Seven; Lesson Two

Letting Go of Their Addiction

Once you have mourned for your losses, it is time to cherish what you have. And what you can still build. It is time to let go of the addiction's hold on your decision-making skills and return power to your values. To do otherwise is, as stated in the previous lesson, to allow another's addiction to expand its consequence on your life. That is not healthy.

Just as it is a goal of recovery to transition one's identity from "I am an addict" to "I am a person who developed an addiction" to "I am a person who recognized that an addiction had developed in my life and took action to end that pattern" to "I am a healthy, mature adult"; so, too, is it a goal of healing to transition from "I am a partner of a sex addict" to "I am a person whose partner has a sexual addiction" to "I am a healthy person whose partner has a sexual addiction" to "I am a healthy person. My values, boundaries and goals will guide me in all relationships."

Does this mean that you should forget about where you have been or what you have been through? Of course not. Because of your experiences, you will never return to such a naive place. Nor does it mean to forget about what your partner still must go through in terms of his/her recovery. But if they are engaged in a healthy recovery, they should already have a solid relapse monitoring plan in place. Whether they follow that plan or not is beyond your control. To worry otherwise is to take valuable energy away from building and managing your life.

What letting go of their addiction does mean to you is your need to develop a healthy life plan that will establish both a clear organization for your roles in the management of your partner's addiction (should you remain in the relationship); and more importantly, a clear organizational plan for you to use in managing your own life. A plan that allows you to maintain focus on your life with confidence, rather than fear and apprehension. The majority of this plan you have already built over the course of the workshop and in the next lesson, you will put all of these pieces together. But for now, your goal is to recognize the areas of your life where addiction remains the prevalent indicator in your decision-making. And then, taking action to reverse this unhealthy practice.

Exercise Forty-Two

I. Identify the areas of your life where addiction remains the prevalent indicator in your decision-making. Especially consider high-value areas of your life such as family, friends, career, etc.

II. For each area that remains influenced by your partner's addiction, what actions would you take should your partner not be addicted? In other words, if you only relied on your value system to guide you, what decisions would you make in relation to these areas?

III. Part of your Personal Relapse Plan involves the need to assess the times when you have lost focus on your values in decision-making Develop this area now. Think about your decision-making processes when you are primarily influenced by your partner's addiction. Think about your decision-making processes when you are primarily influenced by your values. What triggers can you look for that will allow you to recognize when you are engaging in unhealthy decision-making patterns? When you recognize these triggers, what actions will you take?