Recovery Nation

Emotional stimulation

In the past week, there have been three occasions when I went into compulsive m even when a side of me was trying to stop. I also tried to think about the emotional stimulation I gained from these behaviors. I couldn't identify any except a short relief from the tension that had built up inside me. I realized that the rituals (I see a hot image or a woman that seems hot because of her appearance or clothes, I fantasize, rationalize that I shouldn't do this, this further builds up tension untill masturbation seems the only cure) have become so engrained that the pace of events is too fast for me to even reflect on whats going on. I just become a rubber ducky that loses all control. Instant gratification and a kind of emotional release from tension is all I get.

I have to work harder on this.

Lesson 20 (trigger inducing words below)

(1) Stages of addiction

I had a happy childhood. Dont remember being distressed or unhappy for long moments of time. The only drawback was that I had to change schools every couple of years as my parents moved to a new place - but I turned it into a strength as I became good at making friends. I also had lots of friends who were girls and I didn't really feel shy or constrained with them. I first felt an uncomfortable urge when I was about 15. Older boys would tell me how they were attracted to girls. I couldn't understand this because I liked girls but wasn't attracted to them. That was the first time I felt I needed to change something inside me. Though it happened more than 25 years ago, there was this one time when a neighbor of ours (I remember her to be a pretty girl) was taking shower in a bathroom that was adjacent to our house. I knew she was there because I could hear her inside and it made my heart race. I tried to peep in but didn't succeed.

I felt ashamed but still couldn't stop fantasizing her inside that bathroom (in fact I never managed to see her but fantasized this for years). That was perhaps the first innocent fantasy that I experienced. However, I didn't know how to masturbate and so I stayed at the level of fantasy itself. Later, in college I heard lots of boys bragging about their masturbation skills and I felt ashamed because I still didn't know how to do it (I was 18 at that time). One day, I was sitting in my room with an old copy of playboy when I felt my penis growing. Instinctively I rubbed it with my hand and soon had a warm feeling of orgasm. That felt very nice. Over the next few years, I practiced it almost daily, sometimes several times a day. The almost certainty with which I would experience orgasm and joy reinforced the habit.

During this time, I faced a major trauma as I had a standoff with some of my best friends at college. It was a misunderstanding that turned into a disaster. I was shocked when they ganged up against me and caused me a lot of emotional pain (though no physical injury). I was afraid and lonely and this event continued to affect me for several years after (even now I am unable to forgive them). During this time, I turned to masturbation more actively as it brought instant relief. I cannot say for sure that one caused another but they kind of happened at the same time. I started fantasizing about any hot woman I came across from teachers to fellow students to models on TV or in movies. Over the years, I told myself it was an innocent habit that I could shake off whenever needed.

However, I realized it wasn't easy when I started dating a girl who grew from being a friend to a girlfrind to wife. At every stage I tried to let go of my fantasy and masturbation habit. And when it wouldn't go away, I would just tell myself that it would in time. But it didn't. This filled me with guilt and affected the quality of my relationship with my wife. Even today I think that I donot have the level of intimacy with her that we both deserve.

My habit became more pervasive as I added rituals - including more and more internet porn, first still images and later online videos before masturbation. I wasted innumberable hours when I could have done so much more. Fantasy, porn, and masturbation became a source of everything - especially to experience relief in times of stress, to escape boredom, or even to celebrate a personal success or a professional achievement.

One day I came across a book on sexual addiction in the library. It had a small test in the first chapter and when I did the questions I realized that I was sexually addicted. Although I somehow knew about it, but this was the first time when the realization dawned on me with such a force. This was about 6 years ago. In time I found a website that was mainly devoted to alcholics but had a sub-section on other kinds of addiction. I joined the group and felt euphoric. However I realized after a few months that I wasn't going anywhere. Fortunately, one of the members mentioned Recovery Nation and thats how I came across RN about four years ago.

I started reading various posts and even began the recovery workshop. Again I felt euphoric because I identified so many things in the text that were similar to what I had experienced. However, I failed to let go off my addiction. Because I was impatient, because there was so much else that was happening in my life both professionally and personally. But, mainly because I was interested in quick results without putting in the hard work. This went on for a few months and I had lots of setbacks and finally a big relapse. It was almost that I had a magic pill but I wanted to wait before taking it.

I kept trying to return to RN workshops with partial success. And the porn, fantasy, masturbation kept on at the usual pace - except that I was more aware of what was going on than before. Finally, I made a commitment to end all of this, this year. At first I did very well with almost a lesson a day and large periods of abstinence not only from masturbation but also from porn and fantasy.

However, life took hold as there were some professional commitments that I had to fulfill. Over the last two months, I have tried to continue with RN as much as I can and I face setbacks and relapses quite frequently. I feel strong urges and triggers which I can sometimes win over but not always. However, I have not given up hope. In fact, with each passing day I feel confident that I will win in this battle. My compulisive behavior hasn't gone anywhere but I am more aware about it. I return to RN workshop and other recovery threads on a regular basis and remind myself about the commitment to end my addiction. I am putting in my effort with best intentions and I know that I will succeed.

2) Future

Its hard to talk about future though I often think about it. The biggest concern for me is that if I am still addicted when I am on my death bed, I will feel that my life has been a big failure no matter what else I achieve in my life. If, however, I can overcome the addiction and regain control over my life, I will see myself as a success and will be proud of my achievements till my dying day. That is clear to me. But my concious self plays games with me telling me there is time and I can postpone the change to another day, something I have done for more than two decades. I hope, I pray, I try that this process of change doesn't get postponed any longer and I can live the life that I was meant to live.

Lesson 21

A. Goals that I failed (not necessarily long term goals but goals that I have wanted to achieve for a long time)

* to lose weight
* to become more disciplined in my work
* to learn how to play a musical instrument

I have failed because of:

- a lack of commitment and the willingness to put in the donkey's work day in and out.
- bad habits including prioritising the present short term gain, instant gratification (enjoy the food this one more time; postpone work one more day, dont play the instrument if it doesn't sound good) over long term benefits.
- pervasive insecurity, loneliness, and potponing fun that would relax the mind and the body.

* I was reading someone else's post on this lesson and it is amazing how so many things are common between addicts. Perhaps the commonality arises from our inability to manage life, thats all. Anyways, the biggest long term goal that I have failed is ending porn, fantasy, and masturbation. The reasons I list above are still valid. But, I would like to add one more which hit me from the lesson today:

- Basically not having good habits that would fill the void left by bad habits. These bad habits or compulsions exist because of a reason - they do fill the mind with pleasure. Overtime, my mind has gotten addicted to this instant gratification yielding steriods. And this has happened because I have not picked up any other goos habits that will fill this vacuum and give me joy.

B. Long term goals that I have achieved:

* getting a graduate degree

I have succeeded because of:

* luck
* but, also because I kept at it. Because of my persistence, even if the progress was slow, it was steady over a long period of time. Wow, I never imagined that inspite of all the odds, pressures, challenging moments, and constraints - I did it. I actually did fulfill a long, long term goal of mine.

C. One recovery goal:

Strengthen my commitment to recovery.

(I) Dealing with bad habits (urges, triggers):

- read my notepad file on a daily basis
- visit recovery workshop on a daily basis
- only watch sports and news on tv
- talk more about personal issues and less about work with wife

(II) Inculcating good habits (to fill the void):

- remember that light exercise, meditation, and reading give me joy
- remember that spending time with family give me joy
- remember to become quiet
- remember that I need to plan at least one fun activity, at least for the evening when my mind needs relaxation and joy.