Recovery Nation

In my old Recovery thread, I was lazy. I wasn't able to actively commit to recovery and was only motivated by the pain of addiction. Every time after I finished acting out, I would revisit the site and do the next lesson because I "remembered". I mean it was seriously the first thing on this site and I missed it. I have had many setbacks and failures over the course of my addiction by I plan to change that and redevelop my healthy identity.

I have failed a lot in recovery. I have struggled for two years on this site reading all the lessons and yet masturbating up to 3 times a day. One day of abstinence comes once a week around and feels like a miracle. For a few years, I overly concentrate on urge control and I forget to manage emotions with values. When I did try to boost my connection to my values, I forgot that they were used to manage emotions and fell off track instead. My problem isn;t even to establish a permanent recovery, but to transition from Addiction. Recently, I have begun to make better breaks using more force(I mistook steeling urges out for using a strong break and avoid that.) but soon I didn't manage emotions with values and was lost again.

I seek guidance. I constantly feel like I am running in circles in recovery. Others reach the plateau where they can recover but I run around it thinking I am recovering. This time, I make a new foundation, I finally type those lessons, and finally commit to recovery using Recovery Nation.

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

1) actively committing yourself to change

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) I know that this was a major problem for me. No matter how painful addiction is to me, I always never found the motivation to consistently go to Recovery Nation to do a lesson and type my exercises up on the Recovery Forum. I also fell to immediate gratification and ended up goofing off on the computer and doing something else. But what I needed was a firm decision. And I will try my absolute best to actively commit to recovery, fight through immediate gratification, complacency, and laziness, I will keep working, and I will complete the Recovery Workshop.

2) Guilt does me no good in Recovery. It holds me back and prevents me from feeling my established values based emotions. They left me perpetually stressed and hopeless. In order to recover and live a healthy life, I must abandon my guilt for time being to establish a healthy recovery.

3) I often pressured myself to "recover fully by summer's end" or "begin anew by my birthday" and even more currently "live a healthy life by the end of the school year". I want to recover but I know that such big changes can't be rushed and that they need a firm foundation to begin.

2)Reasons for Change
1)I want to live a healthy life away from addiction.
2)I want to be able to manage my emotions in healthy ways.
3)I want to reclaim the life that I had jeopardized with addiction.
4)I want to get back on track and live the life I had wanted to live.
5)I want to live a life in truth, telling truth, and knowing truth.
6)I want to be proud of who I am.
7)I want to be able to live life without constant lust.
8)I want to be able to talk to others normally without feeling uncomfortable as actually being an addict.
9)I want what others see me to be the real me and not just my "mask".
10)I want to be able to emotionally connect to others.
11)I want to rely on healthy ways of living life.
12)I want to be a role model who is able to help others with experience living a healthy lifestyle emotionally.
13)I want to become happy.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

I will use CoachMel's format for writing visions. http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinb ... =2&t=18746

1)Start at the Very End. This one is a little confronting for people who may not deal well with the idea of their own mortality, but let's face it~we are all going to die, sooner or later! But, as the quote goes, "are we truly going to live"? Yes, you are and your vision is going to show you the way! Imagine that you are able to be at your own funeral. Who is there? What are they saying about you? Think in terms of what you would want them to say, as this is an exercise in creating a vision for the person you are committed to being, not an exercise in beating yourself up for falling short of your, or anyone else's, expectations! Another approach to this exercise is to imagine that you are able to do a review of your life after you have taken your last breath. What was your life like? Was it everything you wanted it to be? What did you like about it? What would you change if you had the opportunity? Again, think about the roles you filled, the people you surrounded yourself with, how you spent your time etc. ...and don't forget the values you lived by!

When I die, I want people to remember that I was always kind to others and tried to help whenever possible. I want people to know how intelligent and wise I was while never using it for evil purposes. I want people to see how truthful I was and how I didn't let others down. I want my friends to remember how I was always there for them and how I was an active, healthy person who was in touch with nature. I want them to know how much faith in God, and how they could tell me anything intimate no matter how weird those things may be. I want my family to remember how I was a role model for others to live by.I want them to see how hard work and living by virtues pays off in the end. I want to be proof that people can improve their lives if they choose to. I want to have taught my children how to live their lives and grow to be successful people. I want them to see how intelligence plays an important role in life I want to be able to teach others to do good, and lead them back on the right path. To my parents, I wanted to be a successful child, and that every second they put into helping me was worth it. I want to spend my time working hard and relaxing when necessary but never goofing off when I should be doing something. I want to be active and do things outdoors, while also having many hobbies indoors. I want to be successful in life, having a good position in a company using my talents while not having greed take the place of values.

2. Start at the Very Beginning. Think back to when you were a child. What did you like to do? What kinds of activities did you do and what kinds of games did you play (dress-up, building with lego or blocks, drawing, reading, sports etc.)? What did you imagine yourself doing when you grew up? What were your favorite school subjects? Did you play sports? What were your hobbies? Where were your favorite places to go? What sense do you have of yourself as a child (free spirit, introspective, strong-willed, loving, helpful, outgoing, shy)? Also think about the things that you didn't like to do? Why didn't you like to do them? What things did you always wish you could do, that you felt you couldn't?

When I was younger as a child I liked to play legos, I was obsessed with Pokemon, manga and video games, but I also occasionally read and drew. When I grew a little older I played basketball but I was never too active outdoors and only went outside during the summer on occasion. I never imagined myself being anything when I grew up and was always stuck between being a business man or a scientist of some sort. My favorite subjects were math and science because they used lots of logic instead of facts or interpretation. I always loved to stay home because it was where I was safe but when I grew older and began to make a manga story(6 months before I became an addict) I began to like the sky more so I liked venturing outside. I started to want more adventure out of life instead. As a child I was introspective, shy, intelligent, reclusive, while caring for others, and was kind. As I was older and I was bullied more, I began to dislike most of the class and I wasn't able to manage my emotions (hence the addiction). I believed the only way to manage emotions was to vent, either with anger or sadness. I chose sadness not to hurt others and overtime that choice led to my addiction. I didn't like group projects mainly because I had no friends and I ended up being with someone I didn't like. I also didn't like to talk to some of my classmates because I was betrayed by supposed friends year after year for popularity. I was always alone and after a while I shut down. i wished I could play outside more but I never got a chance mainly due to my family staying indoors more and I always had to study.

3. Your Ideal Self. What energizes and inspires you? What are your natural talents (those things you do that seem effortless, that you may even take for granted)? What would you like more of in your life? What would you like less of? Who would you most like to be like? Why? What personal qualities and characteristics (in yourself and in others) appeal to you?

My natural talents mainly are intelligence related things like school, math to be more specific, planning things out, making diagrams, or handling money. I would like to be more active in my life and do things off the computer more such as go outside more, enjoy nature, or even clean around the house, draw, read, and help my family. I would like less laziness and more working when things need to be done. I want to live less in immediate gratification but in values, long term benefits and health. I would like to be like my grandfather who had left me a legacy of business, intelligence, wisdom, leadership, parenting, and inner strength. I learned many Chinese sayings from him through my mother even though I had never met him. She told me of how he always took care of things and you never had to worry. He owned a Filipino Restaurant in the Philippines so my mother could go to school properly. He was a role model of not only being successful but being generous, kind hearted, and strong.

4. Your Dream Life. What do you want more than anything else in this world? If you had no obligations, constraints, or obstacles and your resources were unlimited, what would you do? Where would you be? Who would you be with? What do your surroundings look like? What pursuits would you devote your time to? What do you most like to talk about? What motivates you? What could you spend an entire day doing and not grow tired, bored, drained from or frustrated with? Think beyond your response and answer the question of why in regard of your responses. Think about what it is about that person that you would like to spend time with them; what is it about that location that you are ever-inspired, peaceful, energized, etc.

I want friends who care about me and to recover. I would own a business and on my days off I would go to the countryside and learn to fish with my family. I would teach them about life and watch them grow. I would also get all of my friends together and talk to them again. I would life in a humble home, and I would be with my family and friends. I would pursue origami, reading, manga, drawing, basketball,legos computer game making, audio editing, and picture making. I like those things because they are peaceful, calming, relaxing, creative, and comforting. I like the wind outside because it feels comfortable and is the element I am closest to.

5. Your Values Inventory. Using the list provided, highlight the attributes, qualities and values that appeal most to you. Cross out the ones you don't like. Add any that you don't see listed that appeal to you. Use a dictionary or use your own interpretation to define what these words (values) mean to you. Group similar value words together to form a value concept. Use one or two defined values to represent your value concept. To help you with your definitions and to develop your values concepts, it will help to think about what behaviours, actions and ways of being that a person with (insert value here) will be. For example, I value Integrity. The dictionary definition of integrity is “the state of being whole and undivided; the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction; the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; uprightness. My personal definition of a person with integrity is a person who honors themselves as their word, they do what they say by when they said they would do it, they practice absolute honesty, they are the change they wish to see in the world, they think about the impact they have on others and the world around them and they take responsibility for their actions. Integrity is the foundation for all of my other values; in other words, without integrity, my other values risk being compromised.

I value wisdom. The dictionary definition of wisdom is knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action. My personal definition of wisdom is knowledge of good and evil that can help others and leads people to the right path when used. Wisdom is the guiding factor in values because wisdom allows us to know for ourselves whether what we are doing is correct and leads up to have integrity and goodness.

I value purity. The dictionary definition of purity is "chastity". My personal definition of purity is cleanliness of heart, innocence, doing no evil and living by virutes. Purity is the base of a values based system because you live by values and not evil. Hence you are pure in deed indeed.

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.

1)family
2)friends
3)intelligence
4)wisdom
5)respect
6)virtues
7)helpfulness
8)kindness
9)technology skills
10)success
11)kindness
12)caring character
13)stability
14)integrity
15)my game
16)creativity
17)leadership
18)listening to and making music
19)making art
20)drawing
21)reading books
22)clean cut looks and personality
23)politeness
24)maturity
25)patience
26)pureness
27)recovery
28)being a role model
29)just and fairness
30)physical health
31)mental health
32)spiritual health
33)playing basketball
34)nostalgia
35)courage
36)responsibility
37)sensitivity
38)individuality
39)dependability
40)humor
41)gentleness
42)generosity
43)innocence
44)diligence, hard work
45)inner strength
46)perseverance
47)being a good son
48)determination
49)nature
50)active lifestyle
51)success
52)faith in God
53)being a diligent student
54)understanding
55)peace
56)knowing personal truth
57)being loved and needed
58)cooking skills
59)having and using talent
60)learning piano
61)playing video games
62)connection to the sky
63)relaxing
64)balance in life
65)adventure
66)hygiene
67)watching basketball
68)watching funny youtube videos
69)reading manga
70)playing legos
71)origami
72)being compassionate
73)business skills
74)family legacy
75)my Chinese heritage
76)unselfishness

After reading some posts by forwardthinker, I realized that I might be a love addict as well as a fantasy, porn, masturbation addict. When I started to think about why I had my crush, I remember creating a character for my story and I had a hard time. I decided to use real people to help me get an idea out. I was trying to make a character to fit in a relationship with a character that represented me.(The story itself, somewhat happens to be similar to my journey of addiction.) So i though of the girl that was the most similar to this "perfect match" for my character. The girl I came up with soon became the object of my crush.

I was in sixth grade at the time, and this was when I was bullied. I was afraid that by talking to her, I would get bullied even more. Every now and then in class however, I would sneak a few looks at her when she wouldn't notice. It wasn't fully developed yet as I forced myself not to like her.

In seventh grade near the end of the year, I decided to chase after her and I (un)luckily got a seat next to her in English. I started talking to her, and made numerous attempts to get closer to her. It worked and she didn't notice I had a crush on her yet.

In eighth grade(currently), I decided to make a plan on how I would get her to like me. I believe that the amount of time that I was thinking of the plan and about her qualifies for an obsession. I tried to steal her away from her boyfriend who cheated on her multiple times and yet they ended up together. Just as she began to notice, I told some of my friends who told me that she began to realize. However, my crush actually thought I had a crush on my friend. Well I began to try to let her go but I never could. I think that that was another symptom of love addiction. My friend who happens to talk to my crush told me that the reason she still likes her boyfriend is because she has this "neglect complex" as she calls it.

She told me that she wants and craves attention, which is exactly what her relationship got her. People gossiped about her relationship, and her boyfriend paid attention to her. I tried to get over her again but from time to time, I still notice her. It worked out until she suddenly texted me. All of a sudden she tried to talk to me. During french class she kept trying to talk to me, and when she stopped she just smiled and stared at me. I got nervous, shocked and confused after she kept smiling at me even when I was being purposely rude to her.

Later when I thought about it, I remember another friend of mine was talking to her and talked about how apparently her boyfriend asked someone out.(again)
She seemed really mad at her boyfriend and I realized that because of her neglect complex, she talked to me to get my attention. I got really mad and fumed about being used by her to my friends.

My friend who talked to her told me that I still cared about her and I got mad. I decided to stop talking to her. It worked somewhat, but when I just looked around, I noticed she was right next to her friends and they weren't talking to her. She didn't seem happy. I realized that because of her neglect complex, she needs constant attention or she gets mad or unhappy. I stopped thinking about about her, but when I looked at her yearbook picture just flipping through the book for ideas on my eight grade yearbook page, for a second, the obsession returned full force and I had to stop myself.

Well what I learned through all of this, is that my crush or obsession might have developed because I always felt neglected by my friends, or being absolutely lonely. I needed to felt loved and cared about, and so I wanted someone to have a crush on me. I saw that she was attractive and according to the storyline thing earlier, she was a "perfect match". Oddly enough when an old friend ended up having a crush on me, I didn't seem to be obsessed about her and kept thinking about my crush.

Hi Hurricane Aero and welcome back
you have made a great re start, your openness and honesty are a credit to you well done
realisation and acceptance of our problems after years of deceit and denial don't come easily but they have to be faced in order to move forwards

you know already that you are not alone but I make no apology of re stating this
simply keep that in mind when (and you will ) find getting through tough
RN ant its community will support you but you must do it for you and you alone



further awareness and that is good but dont simply hang a label around your neck, you are who and what you are and you know who and what you aspire to be, RN is the vehicle to get you there

looking forward to reading your posts and seeing you progress, dont let yourself down get what you deserve, it it worth it
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thanks, Kenzo. It;s good to see replies, especially constructive criticism. Realizing my mistakes was painful because it felt like another thing on a list of problems, but I know that it was an important step because now, I can work towards health and fix this problem.

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.



Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization--not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment--and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

1.Family
2.God
3.Intelligence
4.Friends
5.Virtues, compassion
6.Integrity, truth, knowing truth
7.music
8.hard work
9.maturity
10.wisdom
11.cleanliness, health
12.helpfulness
13.inner strength
14.peace, true happiness
15.unselfishness

Today, I came face to face with my love addiction, this time on another girl in my class. I was unprepared and scared. I made a partial break but fear empowered the addiction. By the time I masturbated, I was beyond the point of no return to make a break the usual way. However, after visualizing this situation a couple times, I feel that I am prepared and that I won't be caught off guard and I could instead concentrate on managing my emotions with values.

Also, I figured out my personal reason for my love addiction. Back as a child I had no friends, at least not ones who wouldn't betray me. Until sixth grade, all of my friends betrayed me and I was bullied by all the boys in my class every move I made. I hated it, but whenever I wasn't bullied I was a ghost. In sixth grade, I had one friend who he himself admits was kinda weird back then, so even then I had no one to talk to. That grade, my school combined with another, and so, my bully had another gang to bully me with. In seventh grade, he was kicked out and I rejoiced, I finally could talk to others and people finally liked me. I had decided to chase after my crush when i had that chance.

My belief is that my bullied status, and or "ghost" status in such a tender age had left me unstable. I had slight self esteem problems and I felt a need to be cared about and loved. And that is my story.

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Proactive action plan for Family
Proactive action plan for Mom
-Listen to what she has to say
-take her advice
-talk to her when you can
-try to help her out with carrying things
-try to help her cook
-do not bother her when she is talking on the phone
-study when she tells you immediately and do not dawdle

Proactive plan for father
-Listen to his advice
-watch basketball with him
- talk to him when he sends me off to Chinese school
-talk to him on occasion when talking on the computer

Proactive plan for Aunt
-Listen to what she has to say and do not ignore her
-Try to deal with her when she has her moods
-try not to upset her

Proactive plan for God
-read the Bible everyday that I can
-pray to God everyday
-do not lose faith in God
-try to apply the things you learn from the Bible

Proactive Plan for intelligence
-Study and learn new things
-Read books
-Work your brain and exercise it
-Keep learning things over the summer
-do as well as you can in school

Proactive plans for Friends
-talk to each and every one of your friends
-try to help them whenever you can
-try to emotionally connect with your friends
-do not leave anyone out of things if they ask
-try to talk to others to make more friends
-try to steer your friends on the right path if they are doing something wrong
-respond to their emails and do not ignore them
-respect your friends' opinions especially if they are different from your own.

Proactive plan for Virtues and Compassion
-be nice to everyone you can
-say hi to people you see that are lonely
-help others whenever you can
-lend people things or money when they need it
-do not let your bad mood get to others
-try to cheer people up

Proactive plan for Integrity
-tell the truth, even when you would get in trouble
-if you know that someone lied, try to find out the truth
-do not do things behind another's back
-when your parents tell you to study, do not sneak off
-do not use iPad during weekdays behind parents' back
-Do not spill a friend's secret if they tell you not to share it
-Do not make excuses for yourself or to others when you fail and accept your shortcoming or try to change it.
-Try as hard as you can even when it may be tough, or you have a high chance of losing.

proactive plan for my Video Game Story
-take some time at the end of the day to work on the story
-type some of the story everyday that you are on the computer
-get others to help you make the video game
-take what you learn from another's story to make yours better

Proactive plan for Hard Work
-study without goofing off and concentrate
-go the extra mile whenever you can
-Do you best on every test
-Learn Math ahead of the class
-read over what you learned that day
-check over tests when you are done until time is up.

Proactive plan for Maturity
-when faced with uncomfortable emotions, calm down and use values to manage it
-speak well mannered, polite, and with big words
-do not whine
-be patient
-do not do childish things

Proactive plan for Wisdom
-take some time to think of the important questions
-when people ask for help, try to give a deep answer
-live using the wisdom you gained
-spread your wisdom whenever you can

Proactive plan for health and cleanliness
-clean up your house around you
-wipe hands before you eat
-exercise every night that you get the chance
-eat healthy foods, and stay skinny
-try to get muscles by working out

Proactive plan for helpfulness
-try to help your friends whenever possible without annoying them
-lend them things whenever needed

Proactive plan for inner strength
-remain in control of emotions using values
-persevere in recovery
-stay strong when things happen
-try to make that strength transfer to others

Proactive plan for unselfishness
-tend to the needs of others before yourself
-care for others
-care less for your own needs

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.



II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.



III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully commited to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.



IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to me directly.

Now only one and four apply to me since I am to young for both. For number one, I am deceiving most of my friends. I have told them that there is something going on with me but I never shared details with anyone. I have told my mom once, but she thought I was exaggerating and we left it alone. I have deceived all of the female classmates and teachers that I have fantasized on, and I have deceived my friends whom I have had a love addiction on. If i come clean, I will either not be believed, or instantly rejected from all groups as an outcast and a freak, I might be sent to a mental hospital, but I will be awkward around everyone. My life will crack open and I will be subject to the judgement of my peers. My parents will live in denial and I will be unstable. My entire reputation and life will be ruined, along with any foundation I have made for recovery.

For number four, I have fantasized on 7 female classmates, 1 teacher, 3 with a love addiction, I have watched a huge collection of porn, and had a few gigabytes of hentai that I had deleted.

Today and Yesterday, I goofed off while working. It seemed like no matter what I did, when I started to go on the computer, I would always goof off. Similarly to the trance while at computer, I would not be able to get out of it unless my mom tells me to work or the pressure of time forces me to work. It used to happen while I wasn't on the computer and I was just doing my homework but I have begun to work while off the computer because there are less "urges" to goof off. I felt like this was a major reason recovery is so hard for me. On the computer I always seem to act out after a while, and I would sometimes act out elsewhere.

However, I have begun to realize that the way to break out of acting on immediate gratification is similarly to making a break when facing urges. In fact, it is the same reason I act out. Also, I could have made the decision to work earlier, but it won't help unless I do the same when emotions come or if you are not solid in your decision. I noticed this when I made the decision to work and it was not strong. I did not feel a break nor did I isolate my emotions.

So, after acting out then continuing to goof off, I chatted with my friend. He complained about being too lazy to do homework. My advice was basically urge control method used for urges but applied to laziness. In fact, I have done it before but I fail to apply it regularly. I hope that this realization, and the will to recover, will plow me through my past mistakes.