Recovery Nation

I'm proud of myself. I'm living the way I should and I'm keeping my spirits up. I can't expect to be free of urges so fast, but I know what to do and I will get it sooner or later. If i keep this up, I can do this.

Taking some steps forward. I had problems with working first instead of goofing off. I facepalmed when i realized i could use an action plan.

I've come back from vacation and discovered a few very important keys to my recovery after reading this book for my summer homework, Velvet Elvis. Despite the weird name, it is a religious book, and it inspired me, and put together some of the things I felt were major setbacks for me. After my school year had ended, I felt angry at my laziness,m and charged ahead with motivation and will that made me work up until vacation. That's all I did, work, goof off, and force myself to work again. I got a lot accomplished, though nothing near what I wanted. It was stressful, but also was fulfilling but mainly stressful.

While I was working hard all night reading my book for school, there were a few lines in it, which were shockingly familiar to me. Trying to become the "superwhatever" in which you work to prove yourself and accomplish things everyday, every second. He also mentioned a short line about falling to your addiction, compulsion, and etc. That line seemed to be a misfit. Nothing else in the book mention addiction even though it might just be from the authors experience with addicts (He talked and helped tons of people with the same situation, so it might not be a surprise.) It caught my attention and made me read further. There he told me about the stress working to become the superwhatever caused, and it made him break down in stress and frustration, that he was unable to go on. Normally, he kept going, acting like the struggle was nothing, until this time, where it was too much. It all seemed so familiar, yet I never got to that point just yet. He said to destroy this superwhatever, and I did, although it took me a few days to readjust. It seems just like what CoachBoundless said, such a long time ago about work to me.

I don't remember all too clearly, nor can I find it, but the point is, I've always had this problem. I push myself so hard, yet it just gets me stressed which makes me goof off, which makes me stressed. I've pushed myself really hard all summer, and all the work I added hid one weakness I had. When I stopped working during vacation, and was resting in the long car drive, I couldn't sleep, so I tried to think. Yet I had nothing to think of that wasn't work related and so all that was left is porn. I realized I had no hobbies at all, besides League of Legends. I had no hobbies to stabilize myself. I used to rely only on work, but it caused me stress and the vicious cycle. It also made a lack of values besides my family, integrity, and well work and its results. That's not enough at all. It made me sort of all or nothing. I can feel extremely happy, but at the same time I get angry, frustrated,a dn etc extremely easily. So now I will pursue my old interests again to see how that works out.

I've learned that an important aspect is changing my outlook to help me work. Honestly this might be a secret of recovery. I told myself I WANT to work, not that i HAD to, much like at the beginning of the workshop when you were told to use the workshop because you want to not because it was an necessity. Then, I have to keep my mind straight on working, and I'm basically good to go.

So much has been thrown on me recently. A few days ago, while I was reading a book for my school summer homework, I found a chapter that really affected me. It was about working too hard to prove yourself to others, trying to become this super version of yourself as I mentioned a few posts back. I wanted to reshape my life.

2 days ago, I told my best friend I was addicted to porn and about my depression while we were stating our fears and doubts in our company idea. I was surprised when he told me he was kind addicted to porn as well, watching it 6 times a week, and it also preventing him from working. I was and am still stunned. What are the chances? So i showed him Recovery Nation and didn't really hear from him yet. I believe things happen for a reason yet I have nothing on this event.

Yesterday night, I was reading about great and intellectual people like Bill Gates, people I aimed to be like, yet the more about their lives and intelligence, the more disheartened I became. I went to sleep utterly defeated and confidence lacking. I had not acted out that day, feeling well earlier.

Today, I dealt with stress early, sleeping late and having to wake up early. I quickly remembered my dejection yesterday, but today I felt better handling it before lunch. Later, as I was coming home after playing basketball, I heard a song by Demi Levato "Give Your Heart a Break" but all it did was remind myself of being heart broken during my crush days earlier this year. I was never noticed, and the song proved false, giving me no break. I remembered all the pain of the crush as well as my defeat academically, all at the hands of girls. All this fueled my rage against girls my age thinking that all they do is swoon after the bad boys, and angsty ones, thinking they can change them. My own crushes love of attention sickened me. I acted out from the hidden stress later after dinner. I can never remember what happened to make me act out that well because my entire acting out sequence is like a blur. I felt frustrated because figuring out what happened and moving forward is usually my way of forgiving myself for acting out, thinking that it was okay because I moved forward. But today, the blur was especially prevalent, locking in the frustration. I began to read Hamlet on Sparknotes, as I needed to in order to write my essay. I began connection to Hamlet, seeing his pain, anger at women, and his dive to insanity. His own fear of the Afterlife and what it entails matched my own along with his contemplation of suicide "to be or not to be" and it's moral ambiguity. Just yesterday night I had a dream with a mini version of Jesus (it was weird) and the Rapture and asking God how close I was to Heaven. The thought of death, afterlife, moral righteousness, and God have purged that deeply into my subconscious. Even the incestuous readings of Hamlet matched, as in the height of my addiction, I often search for something as taboo as incest, without actually diving into that direction outside of addiction.

Hamlet also philosophically thinks in an obsessed fashion, much to my dismay with my closed minded approach to Shakespearean works prior to the project. But also, much of my patterns are found in Bill Gates, and Steve Jobs, both highly successful eccentric people. Then a Chinese proverb rings in my head about there being a very thin line between insanity and genius. More quotes churn in my head reminding me that "If you win, you are a genius, if you lose, you are insane" saying that if I can make it out of addiction, I'd live the rest of my life like Bill Gates, or die like Hamlet if I don't succeed. I'm sure I can end up as insane as Hamlet if I let my addiction spread freely, but I'm not all too sure about the genius. And all of this leads to more stress to rebuild my values and interests before I break under the pressure. But if that's what it comes down to, building my life before I break, then I am confident, knowing my own tenacity. All these events feel to much like a story. If so, then a climax must be coming soon.

From a sane standpoint outside of my emotions, I wonder how I actually hold up? How do I not yell scream, or have killed myself which i have once contemplated. I don't see how I could've actually maintained my grades. That stuff about my life being a story makes me sound insane for sure. But really, just the timing of everything strikes me as peculiar and it feels a story, not that my life is being controlled by someone or a literal story by any means.

After talking to my friends, i realize that I am easily affected by the tv show I am currently watching, and that extends to what I am reading. That entire monologue yesterday was inspired by Shakespeare in a way, and my rant today to my friends was inspired by death note, an equally depressing show. I've also learned that my learned helplessness might be acting up. As when my friend, also a porn addict, gives me ideas, I immediately rejected them thinking it's impossible. I shouldn't discount them. Much of my stress comes from my hopelessness, my belief that it's impossible for me to be that smart, I can't control my emotions, I can't rebuild my life easily, and maybe some more beliefs I can't remember yet.

I'm going to redo some of the earlier lessons, re-posting them if necessary. The last time I redid these lessons, I believed a healthy life was one without addiction, and with emotional stability and happiness. I may be partially right, but I missed a critical factor in that recovery is rebuilding my entire life, not just remove addiction. After all, in order for addiction to be this prominent, you have to rebuild, you can't just remove, if you can at least, because everything will fall apart and come back in relapse. It's like that Jenga game where you pull out blocks until it falls. Addiction is a big piece of my life, I tried to pull it out but I couldn't because the whole it left is too big.

I never really had a healthy life to begin with. I've always been emotionally unstable, taking out my anger on nintendogs once because I had no outlet. I was always pressured, not just by the people around me to be perfect, because for me, it put me above my bullies. When i wasn't working, I played pokemon, what was like my addiction at the time. I didn't do too much else in my life with hobbies, but i used to fold origami, play soccer which i quit, and swim. Even as I was doing these things, I thought of pokemon a lot, like in a perpetual day dream.

That's why it was tough for me to find hobbies to fill my life, because I had few hobbies I could continue from then. What I was still lacking was that in building my life, hobbies is something I lack, but not the only part. I still have a lot to fix. I need to use Recovery Nation as my guide to rebuild. Maybe that's what was intended from the start.

I want to be an intelligence, nice kid, who is nice to his friends, family, and even complete strangers. I want to be able to have a lot of knowledge, and be serious about work yet knowing how to have fun and make friends. I want to use my creative drive in making stories for my hobby of game making, or fueling my drawing and origami. I also want to be well balanced, being able to play basketball, or other physical activities okay and still playing video games and talking to friends. I want to be a good and true leader, using charisma, honesty, and intellect to help people along. I want to be honest, speaking what's on my mind if it doesn't hurt people, and living in a way that's true to myself without fearing what people think of me.

It's short, but what I have written as my vision is true. This is my version in the works, and as I learn more about myself, and discover things, I will revisit this and change, or add, as necessary. I feel that as it is currently, this vision cuts to my core without any unnecessary details.

Hi HA,

Good to see you are doing well. I think you are on the exact right track by defining a vision that matters to you and going from there. As long as you connect to that, and take measures to protect that vision and act in a healthy way based on it whenever you become confronted with compulsive behaviour, you will do well.





Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Man it's good to see you again CB. To be honest, I was confused about what to do after I made the vision, but even that short sentence helped me. I failed to act in a healthy way when confronted by compulsive urges today, but I think i still need to build this vision inside of me first. I need to strengthen the healthy side or removing the unhealthy side won't be easy. I'll do more lessons if i see that major changes are necessary but I'll re-read the lessons too.

Progress is coming, my personality is building, and my lows are much higher than they used to be. However, against emotional immaturity that causes me to be lazy and goof off is tough to fight against. I had more success after failing a few times, where i had to concentrate deeply, and actively resist chances to procrastinate. Hope in the creation of my game is fading slightly, because i fear that i won't find people to even help me, much less actively commit, understand my game's heart, and add themself. I fear my own ability to manage time in order to scrap together chances to make the game, or manage my own life well enough to worry about anything else.

I've begun making my life again. I've started breaking out of my shyness, starting a conversation and making a friend. It was awesome, for the first time in my life i just went up, started a conversation, and made a friend. I also met a NBA player, and saw TV cameras recording him. I've also learned to forgive, because anger is one of the greatest triggers or sources of my unhealthy behavior. I believe I am on the right path, and I'll take a look at another lesson.

Hi HA

I also agree you are doing well. Reading Shakespeare is never a bad idea - there is wisdom there about how each of us faces challenges, how we construct an identity to face certain situations.

One thing I want to say is - take your time. An identity takes decades to create. A lifetime. I am 40 this year and still coming to terms with who I am and what I want. What is great is your thought and care in thinking about these issues. Read! That is a great way to see how characters create themselves- face choices - make good and bad ones.

I always feel you are balancing your own ambitions - eg the Bill Gates refs - with the quite understandable pressures from others. It is tough to be who you are - not what others want you to be. It is a constant balancing act. The greatest book in the world about this is Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice - a story all about how people define themselves in public (money, influence, class, reputation) and private - who they love, the strange thougts they have. She is funny -0 which really helps.

Dont be intimidated by what these people have done. Remember - they were just like you - wanting to achieve. What they did was ahcieve focus and clarity of purpose. REad Malcolm Gladwell-s OUtliers - a book about working hard to put yourself in the position to achieve. It is also a book about luck.

But relax about these things. Success - whether writing, making a movie, building a business takes time. The problem about so many of us is the desire for instant gratication - we want pleasure NOW!!!!! Remembe sometimes the tortoise beats the hare. Take time to learn how to be a success.

This is why a calm frame of mind is so important. Taking a few moments each day to monitor yourself and be honest with yourself.

You do this so well. Dont lose faith in this thought. But remember translate your positive insights into your life. Take a few minutes each day to practice. It was great that your taked to your friend. You are reallyt not alone with any of this.

Shaw

As long as an identity takes to be made, I feel like progress is going well. With a little help from disconnecting internet, I took it as a sign, and sat down and worked. I managed to finish my essay in one sitting, and it felt great. I'm going to be wary, because once I start getting more comfortable, I might get into my first setback. I'm still acting out, but I have faith that will change soon. I've also been practicing forgiveness, and refusing to get mad. It's getting easier and easier. After my work, I talked to an old friend as well and even got a game in without with my spare time. I'm on a good path right now.

I've noticed that there is a huge mindset difference between unhealthy and healthy. I've always known it was huge, but never this subtle as well and impactful. While I am unhealthy, being lazy, unwilling to work, I tend to try to hide myself, using headphones and covering myself with the laptop screen. As I was listening to a good song that changed my mood, I took off the headphones, used speakers, and began working. It even changes small nuances in my general behavior.

Now also today, I met small versions of me and my friends. They were 5 yet so similar to us. I looked at them and the lesson 1 exercise on looking into an old picture came to mind. These younger versions were making jokes, bets, and something about being best friends forever. I ended up talking to my younger version, and lending another kid a dollar. It feels so surreal, I'll see them again tomorrow at my camp. Progress is still going well, today I got myself to work, pushing myself over the line between just not working, and managing to work. I've still got a ways to go though.

I acted out today, and I entered a longer depression than usual. This time, it was bad, I doubted God, and must've subconsciously asked for proof. I was depressed so I listened to the Fray's song How to save a life. My mother told me to drink some Grapefruit Juice and I talked to her after I went to the bathroom. Out of the blue I asked for a hug to cheer myself up and talked to her. When I returned to my computer and looked that at my paused youtube video, I saw on the 18. Talk to Someone. The song kinda gave steps sort of to save a life, and I paused at 18, without knowing talked to someone, then came back cheered up and i saw it. I almost spit the juice like in the movies. I asked for proof and I guess i got it.

Also, I didn't notice I did the thing with the headphones again.