Recovery Nation

Hi HA

I hope you are well. Reading over recent posts, it sounds like stress and work is central to your acting out. I relate, and am sure many of us do. That feeling of a tidal wave of pressure coming towards us - the sense of being overwhelmed. And rather than being able to take on the stress, we run off - through fantasy, acting out etc.

This caught me eye:



especially the last sentence:



When we talk about discipline and structure here, it is often to impose order on the chaos of our emotions - to give our stress shape and definition. We break down what terrifies us - that enormous sense of stress - into manageable pieces. Break down a tidal wave into small water droplets, and it doesnt seem so scary.

The same with time. The problme about avoiding problems through fantasy is the problems build up. If I ignore work, I eventually have to do 23 hour days to get it finished. If I began at the start of the week, it would take 4 hours a day - with time to relax and plan.

You did this here -and it not only stopped the need to act out, it helped minimise your stress and achieve your goals. That deserves a

The tricks is remember this - to anticpate the stress, plan it, break it down into small mouthfuls and then eat it for breakfast.

You achieve your goals. but you also control your life - rather than letting your life control you. Find an order and a system that works.

Have you, for eg, tried the Egg Timer -either a real one or a virtual one. Work in short, sharp bursts - then give yourself a break, to monitor how you are doing, relax, and refine your plans for the next section of work.

It is all about taking control - dictating your life. you are doing that just be deciding to be here and facing your demons and your stresses. you are to be congratulated. Just keep going - be aware, make plans and practice how to execute them.

Shaw

I was recently feeling worried about my stress so reading this helped. I acted out today and yesterday which broke the steady improvement I was getting. Recently, my friend lent my his psp to finish a game, the one in the series I never played. Unfortunately, I also had to hide it from my parents because if they saw, they would yell at me. I felt guilty knowing it was the wrong thing to do but I also wanted to finish the game. It was a tremendous amount of stress not to mention I had to hide it. Unlike in my acting out state where nothing scared me or mattered, I was shivering with nervousness at lying and hiding. I spent a lot of time thinking of how to hide it, each moment leading to stress. I also spent some time playing it behind a teacher's back too, something that I thought would never happen. I begin to see how warped I became with my addiction because I had hidden iPods to look at porn, but suddenly bringing a game to play makes me feel horrible.

I also began to think about my homophobia, and my warped sexual identity. I began to mix up affection and friendship for being gay. Like my friend and I were talking, I felt happy, having a friend, but fear crept up and make me think gay perverted thoughts all of which increased my fear and confusion. I covered my mouth with my shirt, trying to cover and protect myself, hiding from the thoughts in a way. The realization came when I was talking to a younger classmate which people often confuse us for brothers and began to confuse affection again.

When I sleep, I often feared demons coming and possessing me or harming me. I felt that my addiction would attract them and I began to feel paranoid, trying to supress the word demon or etc. from my thoughts which only lead to more thinking about it. I began to fear less lately, coming in terms with my guilt thinking I was evil enough to attract more evil.

Also, over this period I also thought about my inability to go out and talk to people when I'm alone, and also the inability to get close when my friends are with me. It came from my fear of humiliation of my bullying which prevented me from approaching people, only standing in the background. I also became unable to be alone, thinking that I am easier to pick on if I was alone and it's weird for me to just be walking around alone. Too scared to be alone or too approach people, addiction can do some nutty things to people. I think that my fear prevented me from getting close to people, and now that I resolved it, my homophobia which resulted from being closer to my friends came about.

Lastly, I feel that with my guilt of lying, I couldn't manage my emotions as
the bucket analogy explained (I find it ironic that I feel more guilty from a different event after I read the lesson about it.) and I saw less values based actions in my daily assessment than before this guilt arose. When I saw the picture of the attractive model and felt aroused, I realized I felt extremely uncomfortable beforehand and realized the motive for acting out was alleviating the guilt, pain, and stress temporarily. I have also noticed more peeping in class which was followed with extreme rejection. I chose to look again because I wanted to feel aroused by looking and alleviate the underlying stress.

Thank you Shaw72 for your comment, it couldn't have come in a more perfect time, and the reminder about managing stress helped me realize what actually happened when I acted out.

Hey HA

That is a mature response. I think you are alive to your feelings - to the ways you want to express them, and the problems with doing so.

When I read this post, for example, I feel there is a strong private world developing - you talk about lying aboout the PSP game; about hidden feelings about your sexual idenity and 'warped' attitudes to sexual identity; about dreams of demons coming to get you.

This confusion is quite natural - not just in someone young like yourself, but for adults, young and old. My own obsessive thought processes can whir crazily out of control trying to unravel the ball of wool that is my identity, my beliefs, my values, my feelings. These can change on any given day - depending on mood, context, what I have eaten for lunch!!!!

In a way, this is why RN is so powerful. It doesnt ask you to think your way through problems. More importantly, it doesnt even ask you to solve problems - complicated feeelings like the ones you have. It asks you to think about them, write them down - and create active plans to keep yourself stable and protect your values.

as we learn how to put these plans into operation, we will make mistakes, slip up, act out. Don;t worry - it is part of the learning process. Don' stress. the key is - what have we learned - and how do we move on.

HA, for you - as with me - you mustn't run awway from these complex feelings- via fantasy, or fear. Embrace them - it probably means you are a smart sensitive guy. there is nothing warped in working out your identity, sexual or otherwise. There is certainly nothing to be frightened or ashamed of.

It is tricky stuff. But make sure these thoughts are integrated with your main self. Using values, RN is about building confidence in what you feel and what you think - without relying on outside forces - whether other people or the fantasy of porn etc. These values are like beacons when all around is choppy waters.

Again, I admire your openness and honesty on the site. Make sure you transfer this into your life.

How about a task!! Tsk tsk. Write an action plan for the next time you are faced with stress - and you ae tempted to use yyour iPod?

Take care

Shaw

You were spot on with the comment about being in a private world. My mom often mentions how I don't really say greetings to people around me and come off as cold.

Also, when my friend told me that I was arrogant which was why the teacher hates me, it hurt. My own sense of pride was shattered, and I felt the stress. It weighed on me but I soon calmed down after while and I took some deep breaths. Later, my mom told me that I am cold and rude, and that hurt too.

I knew that my pride wasn't healthy because pride and confidence are two different things. Confidence is believing in yourself while pride is thinking you values more than others and are above them. My pride stemmed from my intelligent and my isolation as a child. I saw angry at those who bullied me and thought that I was above them. I also know that when I lived by my values and was who I wanted to be, I wasn't arrogant, I was strong on the inside and valued others. It's not easy to say but I thank them for telling me these things. I needed to hear it to improve. I need to smile more mainly because I don't smile even when I am happy and it's weird.

My teacher insulted me 4 times in one class today and I counted. When I sat down, I whispered to my friend that I would be counting how many times to yell at me and she told me to shut up. We were playing this weird game with a taz doll where you say the definition of the word and pass it while moving. I said the definition then got up and she yelled at me for screwing up, saying I was too stupid to remember the instructions. Later, other people did the same thing but she doesn't yell at them. And when she was correcting my friend's analogy question, she said I was looking for an answer and covered it up. It makes me mad. I want to be more friendly but it's hard to be friendly to a person that says that too me.

I'm still learning to manage my emotions, to work hard, to live happy, and rebuild my life but I will get there one step at a time.

Hi HA,

Shaw has been giving you great advice. I have some on my own in one specific area.



To me, this doesn't homophobia or a warped sexual identity, but just another stream of obsessive thinking. I developed this exact same pattern as well; one of my main obsessive patterns was fearing I was gay for a long time that created a lot of fear and anxiety in me, and it was one of the main drivers behind my addiction.

If I can hazard a guess, I'm going to guess that you are both fairly confident that you like girls and that you generally are completely fine with gay people (let me know if both those assumptions are accurate)...however, you yourself are having fears that you might "turn gay" or fear that you actually are gay and aren't admitting it, or that somehow you'd choose to be gay. Think about this a bit deeper: if you ask yourself if you are actually attracted to men or other teenage boys, most likely, you will know the truth about who you are attracted to. What this most likely will come down to is a fear of what others may think of you if you were gay, or, a fear of losing your actual sexuality. For people who actually are homosexual, thoughts about being attracted to someone of the same sex or being gay/lesbian fill them with positive feelings...not fear and anxiety. Therefore, to me, this sounds like another obsession. I'm going to guess again that you start to have positive feelings about being happy and enjoying times with friends...then your brain jumps in with uncertainties if what you're feeling "makes you gay" or any number of "what ifs".

Basically, if this is the case, understanding this may provide some relief initially, but likely, these thoughts will return. It can even be a way of distracting your mind from other issues, even if that distraction is by creating more anxiety. How to solve this issue comes down to developing similar skills that are required to stop compulsive behaviour: emotional maturity and understanding your thoughts. What you should try, the next time this afflicts you, is to just accept the thoughts and emotions, and let them pass. It may be uncomfortable for a little bit, but not compared to the fight that happens if you try to force them away. The more you push these thoughts away, the stronger the anxiety will get, then the stronger the thoughts will get. It turns into a vicious cycle. The key here is to realize that these individual thoughts and emotions are not who you are. The fact that you are feeling anxious when you get these thoughts indicates that they are random thoughts that conflict with the values and identity that you know to be true for you.

Anyways, I basically just wanted to give you some insight on these thoughts from someone who has dealt with something similar in the past. It sounds to me like an issue of obsessive thinking, rather than a warped sexual identity (though it does have the potential to alter your feelings around sexuality over time if you start to ingrain the thoughts. Just remember: accept the thoughts and let them go.)



Good insights on the difference between pride and confidence. Pride tends to be more selfish, thinking you are better than others, whereas confidence is more confidence in your abilities.



That's understandable wanting to alleviate the underlying stress...that's basic human nature, wanting to achieve a more pleasurable emotional state. What you should do next time is try to substitute in a healthy alternative. As Shaw said, have an action plan at the ready...and another exercise I tell people to try is this one: the next time you are feeling stressed like this, just take the time to sit with it. Feel the stress rise and become really uncomfortable. This is to teach you practically the finite quality of emotions. Your stress can only reach a certain peak level...however, most of us before would act compulsively at the first sign of any stress, which makes it seem like we must act out. In reality, your stress will hit a plateau...and when you come to realize this for yourself, you will also realize that your emotions can only get so intense, and that you remain in control. Then you will realize that healthier choices are within your control, rather than engaging in compulsive rituals. But, you need to try it and see for yourself. Forbid yourself from acting...and just sit with your emotions. Then once they've plateaued, make the choice about how you want to act. That right there is an important step to emotional maturity.

I hope this was helpful.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thank you for your responses, I feel like the minute I have a problem, I get a response telling me what to do before I post about it. Maybe it's because it's the same problem, or it is something that can be figured out from my past posts but thank you either way.

Rereading your posts, I see that I haven't actually responded to the posts as much as my own ideas throughout the day. So first, I forgot to read the part about planning and anticipating stress and only read about breaking it down. I have been making small occasional plans but I often still act out. I think it's because I didn't make a solid commitment to making the values based decision as I let if, buts, maybes, into my thoughts. I make conditions for myself like one last one before I work. That wouldn't be a bad thing but I often keep going, so I'm still acting on emotional immaturity.

It is tricky stuff as Shaw72 has mentioned and it feels tougher lately. Strangely enough, I feel better as well. I have more stress because I choose to manage it but I also feel more connected to my values as a result of my decision. I feel stronger and more confident. I still have a lot of things to work out but I feel confident.

So for the action plan, my plan was just to say no, take a deep breath, go back downstairs, and probably work on my many projects, and hobbies that at times require a lot of typing.

The part about the homophobia and it being obsessive was reading my mind again. I realize that I have a lot of obsessive thoughts now, not just my obsessive crush but also the homophobia, a past situation where I feared I had a crush to this ugly girl, and my fear at night which I mentioned earlier.

Recently I had thoughts about my old crush. I was still attracted to her but the pain, memories, and also my avoidance of her because of the obsession conflicts. I get all tangled up and I try to sort it out. Even if I had found the answer which was to just ignore her and be normal about it, I confuse things again only leading back there. When the thoughts came back again, I used your suggestion to just let it pass and it worked.

On a final note, I will try the suggestion to sit through it. It seems interesting and might even help my problem of not following the decision through as I said earlier.

Hi HA,

Just to clarify what I meant because it sounds like you didn't quite grasp a key part (or perhaps I didn't articulate clearly enough): to me, it doesn't sound like you're homophobic at all, but rather that you fear being gay or turning gay yourself. That is different than homophobia, which is an active dislike or discrimination against gay people. As I said, most likely, if I were to ask you if you were okay with others being gay, you'd probably being fine with it. However, you fear turning gay yourself, because one of your core values is likely your attraction to girls (as you mentioned here)...the fear comes from a fear of losing your true attraction to girls. In this way, it is just another form of obsessive thinking and anxiety, and has little to do with your sexuality at all, unless you start to believe your obsessive thoughts to be true about yourself.



Glad to hear. One of my main issues with my addiction was obsessive thinking, so I have found that a very important part of my recovery has been learning how to understand my mind, differentiate which thoughts are random and obsessive from the "real me," and understand my emotions. There are many ways to learn how to do this; I did it (and continue to do it) through daily meditation, which you are free to try, but for others, it could be deep breathing, journalling, exercising, etc...as long as its something that you value, that you enjoy doing, and that you find works for you.



B

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

So far, I didn't work, and my urges came. I tried to just sit through it but after a while I acted out. The emotions seems to be limited when I made my decision to just sit through it, almost making me ask if that's it. But as it got slightly stronger and I rejected, the stress grew stronger and peaked. When I began to act out, it got even higher. I probably was wrong to choose urges instead of stress but the idea is the same. Also on health monitoring II, even if I do use it, I will still continue Health monitoring one until i become consistent.

I acted out a lot recently which I believe had something to do with bringing my friend's psp back home because I would want to finish the game and give it back to him as quickly as possible. I would end up goofing off to get further in the game. This morning I made the decision to give it back to him to stop myself from goofing off and losing sleep trying to beat the game. I came home extremely angry at my english teacher for just hating me even when I tried to smile more today. I was jealous of others and I was mad at my friend for choosing the teacher's side when I was complaining about her. The teacher also loves that friend for her writing.When I was coming back home however, I managed my emotions by calming down and playing some soothing songs.

Unfortunately, I acted out when I became sleepy and took a nap after eating. In my drowsy state I began to act out. I made a break but I acted out again when I went on the computer, continuing to fantasize. After I acted out, I felt horrible, and I listened to these sad, empty songs. I eventually acted out later again, frustrating myself even more.

After I gave the psp back, I thought I would begin working harder, etc. However, that hasn't happened and instead I acted out more. The first time, I started out well, I managed my emotions but I ended up acting out while drowsy. Later, I didn't manage the emotions from acting out, and these emotions led to more acting out, a cycle I would like to avoid. What I did wrong there was that I didn't work hard, instead goofing off and forgetting work.

My only hope for recovery is that as I begin to make values based decisions, it becomes easier and easier each time. Right now, looking ahead, it feels impossible to reach health. Maybe this is my emotions talking right now though. I have trouble making values based decisions consistently throughout the day. It becomes much easier to make those decisions in a values based state. Like there is this song that makes me feel good, "Lazy Afternoons" in the game Kingdom Hearts, the game that I am modelling mine on currently. When I play that song in my head, I feel good and values based decisions comes so naturally, like that side of me just wakes up and is in complete control all of a sudden. I make decisions, feel, act, and think like a different person. But outside of this state, I find it hard to live like that. I feel lost, and I'm not sure what works. If I make a choice at night, I have to make sure that I do those things. Plan things out in chunks, and just try as hard as you can. I heard that for now, I will need to white knuckle. I need to force these things to happen until those things are the ones that feel natural. And I will not give up.

I find it funny how things seem easier when you think about it. When you begin to plan and think of how to accomplish things, it becomes easier. I'm still scared but the one thing I want most is to recover. And picking that one thing was a greedy choice because with that one thing, all my other dreams are possible.

Wish me luck, and feedback is VERY much appreciated.

I acted out coming home, (I will make an action plan for that), but after that, I did better and held off a few urges. I still need work, but improvement is coming. I need to make a decision, and a solid one, to get myself going.

As I had my haircut, I began to think of what my teacher had told me about that scholar program I was going to. I thought of how it was a group of elites, and how it was competitive and ranked. I wanted to become the best in the group, no, the best that there ever was. A pride in me grew. I wanted to conquer, to win, to prove to the world that I am the best. Another half of me knew what was going on, a side that is good, the values based side. But it felt powerless, and the domination of the Pride grew. It was just like that show Death Note. I too, am at the top of my class, lived an isolated childhood because of my bullying, and sought to become better than everyone else. However, instead of getting a Death Note, I instead fully developed my weakness which became addiction. Also, I will fight, even though I feel at a loss as to what to do.

The darkness inside, the emotional immaturity, fights the "real me" inside, just like in Kingdom Hearts : Birth by Sleep, the game I played on the psp. In that game, the darkness was ripped out of the main character, and at the end, they join back together, resulting in a battle inside, between the good and the bad. For me however, the darkness and the light just collected into a group, instead of mixing together, and then battling inside of me. I always wished that I was part of some kind of video game or anime story, now I realize that it's more fun to watch it.

I realize that my pride is a product of my emotional immaturity. Just like my crush, because I could find much less that I liked in the girl than my crush could justify. I couldn't even talk to her that well, because if I told her about all this I was going through, she would try, but she might not even be able to understand what addiction is, no offense. I think I'm beginning to realize that all of my actions are made because of emotional immaturity.



I remember reading this and I feel like the pieces are finally slowly sewing themselves up and making sense. Except that all my actions are based on emotional immaturity, the principle is the same. In all honesty, it's no wonder that I had such a hard time living a values based life because all of my decisions are emotional based. Now all I have to do is to learn to change this and based my decision making on my values. I'm not entirely sure how to do this but my idea is to start making decisions by considering the choices and comparing to my values. That itself will make all the small choices based on values instead, which will be a big heap, and I could supposedly go into values based mode like when I listen to that song. If I can pull this off, I can finally get somewhere.

With my recent posts, I have found the way to begin recovery, but yesterday I lacked the mental readiness, motivation, will, and was still stuck with the same false ideas. After my recent acting out, my will and motivation lessened but I fixed that yesterday. Also, in my last post, I begin mentioning my similarities to characters from a game and an anime. I mention the evil side, which means I am beginning to believe that addiction is an entity again, rather than unstable emotions. When I compared myself to the main character of Death Note, Light Yagami, I said that addiction was like the Death Note, meaning I believe that it was a curse. I also didn't mention that Light Yagami eventually becomes a lying serial killer who believes that he's god. I felt so guilty about my actions, that I felt I was as bad as a serial killer, and equated my pride to being as bad as his, all of which were unhealthy beliefs. I hope with this awareness, I will be ready.

Hi HurricaneAero,



As you yourself mentioned before, the thing you want to do here is check your intentions--why you want to do this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be the best at something...in fact, that is very commendable. You should strive and feel passionate about things you like to do. What you want to watch out for here is your intentions for why you're doing it. If you're doing it for yourself, because you want to, because it's something that you want to achieve, then that is excellent. You are internally motivated. In that case, you will be fine no matter how you do in the competition, because you would know you gave it your best. This is confidence.

However, if you are doing it to "prove to the world" or prove to others how good you are, that will not make you feel good in the long-run. The reason? Well, if you do become the best, the praise you get will only be temporary...in which case, you will then go hunting for someone else to prove yourself to, and never be satisfied with how you are. If you don't end up becoming the best and don't get praised, then you can feel resentment and angry. That is pride, and as you yourself noted before, it's important to distinguish the difference and why you're doing this. Pride isn't necessarily just a product of emotional immaturity, but also how you relate to what you are doing. If you are doing it for yourself, that is confidence. If you are doing it to have others think that you're better, that is pride.



What I think this may come down to, just from reading all your posts, may be a misunderstanding of what values are. This is okay, many people struggle with this. All that values are, are the things you care about in life. The things that make you who you are. The things that give you positive emotions when you work on them. So, all it means to make values-based choices are to make choices based on protecting the things you care about. For example, to me, it sounds like you care about your schoolwork, your friends, and video games. Obviously, there would be many other things you care about in your life, but I'm just using these as examples. These are things that are part of your identity.

So making a values-based choice is as simple as this: for example, you get the urge to act out. You stop yourself (a good way of doing this is having your list of your values that you can pull out and read over, at least until you get used to doing this), then say to yourself "I'm feeling an urge right now, so considering my values, what could I do right now that would make me feel better, that would be healthy?" Then you make the choice to do that, whatever it is. Now, this may leave you feeling slightly uncomfortable...as a point here is that values-based healthy behaviours don't provide as intense emotions as compulsive rituals. That is where the emotional maturity aspect comes in. You just accept that you might feel a little uncomfortable for the time being, but that will go away and you will be healthier.



It's important to keep this in perspective. Your addiction isn't an entity or a curse, and it isn't even unstable emotions; rather, it is patterns of behaviour that has developed in response to those unstable emotions, to help you deal with them. For example, any time that you feel stressed, you probably feel an urge to act out. But that urge doesn't just "appear"...it's a response to the stress, because over time, you have learned that when you feel stressed, you can act out to make yourself feel better. So the urge occurs as an anticipation of the "feel good" emotions you get from engaging in your ritual (thought they also come with conflicted emotions like guilt). Understanding this is a major part of recovery...because then you realize that when you are stressed, there are many healthy ways that you can feel better. You can also learn to change your ways of thinking so that things don't stress you out so much.

By the way, it seems to me that there is a lot of stress in your life, both in home and at school. Have you ever tried meditating? It is something I suggest often to others here. I only started doing so just over a year ago, and I only started with about 20 minutes per day. I now do it for a half hour twice a day, and it has changed my recovery and life significantly. It really helped me learn how to deal with stress effectively and have quiet time to myself, as well as helped me learn how to understand and stop my obsessive thinking. You can also do it regardless of whatever religious beliefs you or your family hold. If you are interested, send me a PM.

Anyways, keep working and learning about your emotions. You are doing well

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

I am approaching a tough time in my life with my research project, unending lists of tests, final exams, and stress from recovery itself. I need to know how to manage my emotions but I'm not too sure how. It becomes even more important in my mind now that I know that urges are dependent on your emotional status as I read in CoachBoundless's post in TheDance's thread. I'm beginning to think that managing my emotions is about slowly rebuilding my life, just learning to take a deep breath when you feel stress and live with it. In fact, my emotional immaturity causes me to want to vent, and the more mature decision is to deal and live with it. I think that with that realization, I am beginning to understand more about what CoachJon said about Recovery Nation not really teaching too much, and that most of it is natural.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Even with only an MLA where the rough draft is due next monday(for some reason we can't add any more information after the rough draft.), a science test tomorrow, a religion test the day after, and finals in 2 weeks, it is just too much. Now my teacher adds an essay about that lady and the tanning booth. In fact, the first 2 paragraphs are due tomorrow. It is the most stressed out time in my life but I was able to manage it earlier by listening to the rain instead.

It only helped subdue it for a little while as I acted out later, however.Rereading your post again helps because you did mention how to manage my emotions, but in case of n urge. I should think of a values based option to manage my emotions, instead of acting out. I did make myself stop, but I stuck with my old misconception of values based decisions and forced myself to work. Under my unmanaged emotions, I didn't go far. However, you mentioned making a values based action to make myself feel better. When I had my misconception, I didn't think of managing my emotions at all, instead I would shut them away, hoping I could force myself not to act out and work until the urge went away and my values based emotions came and keep working. I now have a better understanding of managing emotions and I hope that my idea is correct.