Recovery Nation

I have been acting out recently, which I attributed to my growing unconfidence and waning strength in my decision to not act out. Today I tried to remedy that my strengthening my decision and I got much further. However, as I was on the computer, I tried to work and ended up "half working". I never devoted fully to my work, instead goofing off every now and then and taking it slowly. My anticipated emotions of boredom grew and I was forced to read through my recovery thread. I ended up acting out. I believe that next time I need to make a more solid emotion regardless of anticipated emotions.

I big weakness I had was understanding a weakness, but not knowing what to do about it. In fact, dealing with the weakness of only understanding a problem was tough to solve. Such as when I am on the computer and I try to work, I may get bored, and I try to push through, often making it even more stressfully boring thus leading me to act out. i completely forget about trying to manage those emotions by maybe deep breathing before I make the decision to work. Today, that realization helped me turn what was otherwise a wasted day into a productive day.

A few days ago, I was having problems about my crush again. No matter how much I knew it would be better to forget about her an move on, I couldn't. I only got so far and I ended up being infatuated again. When I looked at another girl and had a smaller scale infatuation, i realized that my crush came purely out of attraction and libido. I might have realized this before, but as I said, i failed at ending the crush so I might haven forgotten about it sooner or later. This time, I connected the fact that my crushes are based on libido to the fact that I masturbate way too much. i remember hormone production and libido with excessive masturbation and came to the conclusion that if I end my masturbation, I will end my crushes and the obsessive attraction.(Physical attraction at least, not considering when obsession is used to manage emotions.)

Generally today I felt healthy. I managed my emotions, i worked when I could, and I was fairly stable. Yet when I came back home and went to the bathroom, I got an urge. I lay on the carpet and began to fantasize in this dreamy mood.(also because I was so tired.) When I began to act out, I tried to stop myself, I tried to make a break, but I'm my sleepy state, I soon fell back into fantasizing, but I stopped and forced myself downstairs. I turned the computer on and the emotions were still there, which led to act out, fantasizing the same thing from before. This time, I did orgasm, leaving me absolutely stressed and confused. My life felt and feels unmanageable, or at least my addiction. I did begin to manage it, but I still feel despondent about recovery. It feels like I'm running in a cave with no flashlight, running into walls and changing directions. I feel like i must be doing something entirely wrong which would put me back on the right track. Good news is that my stress management has improved like 10 fold, even handling the most stressful time of my short life. I even managed the urge to act out that came directly from the stress of acting out so it seems that I have been seeing some improvement. I'm not sure what I should do about that situation, I'd probably make a reactive plan, but being very drowsy at that time makes things very tough. I guess I could make a break, make a deep breath, and sand up and move around to wake myself up and continue with my day. I am beginning to handle regular life better, and need help in just that one situation so far.

That session of acting out broke my spirit. It led to me goofing off instead of working to deal with the stress of acting out, which ironically leads to more acting out. I thought I had my emotions managed before but I goofed off, leading to more stress. I feel like I need professional coaching if anything but I'm too young for it and I haven't told any of my friends or family about my addiction. I feel like maybe I should restart the lessons again after my exams and projects because I have definitely gotten something wrong. That's how I feel at least. If i think about it, my acting out comes from bad emotional management. Now all I have to do is to begin managing my emotions.

I worked on my research paper at school, I was careful with my emotions coming home and made it out of that trap. I came home, and after looking through a newspaper of laptops to chose as my graduation gift, I decided to work after some goofing off. After dinner for some reason, i was more interested in chatting with a friend about my new laptop instead of working. After some stress being built from the pressure of needing to work, I acted out and feel asleep soon afterward.

When I was eating dinner, I felt normal, no happiness, stress, or boredom. But as I went to the computer, i began to goof off, and the pressure of me needing to work and the pressure of not wanting to work caused me to act out. Next time on the computer I should stay more wary of my emotions, and make sure I do my work.

I was reading on track's last few posts, and it seems like he's been stressed lately with work too. I'm glad that I'm not the only one. He sounds like he's jittery and stress about work and the pomodoro thing. If my experience can actually help someone, I would like to say that it sounds like a good idea to just take a few deep breaths, forget about the paper for a few seconds until you collect and calm down. Then, make a solid decision by fully commiting to your work, deciding to work even after you debated about your immediate uncomfortable emotions and want to goof off and led the project be done later, and work with the sureness. This way you have already conquered the urges to goof off that you are likely to get, be able to get a good beginning, and get good amounts done. Do not force yourself to work, it's like recovering because you "have" to and it creates stress and discomfort. By making the decision as I mentioned, you are making the decision to work because you want to, and you will feel less stressed about working and wanting to goof off. And about the sleep you lost, being stressed, jittery about work, and other emotions often make it hard to sleep. You have a lot of stress in your life right now as do I, so calm down, and take it slow first. You waste more time by causing yourself to goof off or act out with these emotions so it is better to deal with them first.

Moderators, if you find this advice helpful for him, I would like you to send it to him as a reply to his thread. If not, oh well.

I've been managing my emotions much better than I ever would have expected lately but still short of what I want. I still feel slightly uncomfortable about working, though I have done better lately. I just didn't think of fully committing to work during dinner and ended up goofing of.

Today, when my mom started talking about my schedule, I became stressed. i didn't manage it well and ended up acting out. I managed emotions better later, deflecting an urge and working. However, I still need some help.

I was constantly yelled at in play practice because people left early. I couldn't even sit, do homework, talk, or anything even in spare time. It was horrid and I hated it. Combined with my MLA thesis paper, and my finals, I just simply couldn't manage my emotions and I acted out. I'm feeling lost, angry, and confused right now.

My idea is to try to manage my emotions on the spot as I receive the stress, so that it won't build up and that complaining about it won't make it as bad as it usually does. I think that not managing my emotions on the spot was either because I didn't think of it, or because I didn't want to manage it, and instead fume at others instead, putting the weight on them. I find it strange that the actually immediate gratification is managing the emotions because fuming would only make it worse. But I think that the immediate gratification comes from not having to deal with it first, because it's not easy and may be uncomfortable at first. Not dealing with it is literally the less mature decision.

I was really mad about my failure today. Yesterday at least I was sincerely troubled by my emotions and they snowballed. Today I managed emotions immediately as I experienced them, but yet I was complacent and became lazy at home. I kept taking breaks and all. I will concentrate on managing the emotions of that situation too.

I have to really get better at urge control and managing immediate gratification. Today, I found myself goofing off, and having trouble dealing with urges. I plan to eliminate both, by anticipating it, and making the decision to make the right choice even when I factor in the positives of acting out. And if i get an urge, I will simply do the same thing.

Today I made the decision to work hard, and it worked. With my improved emotional management it was easier. I had began to act out but I stopped myself, managed my emotions, and made the decision not to act out. I also had direct experience with an urge, that when my stress kicked up a little, my urge was strengthened.

Today marks the end of my testing period, and I hope I will begin to better than I have done then. I plan to manage my emotions, make a break and isolate the urge, then make the right decision.

Today was also my graduation party for 8th grade, and it feels like nothing has changed. I still had a crush on the girl I was obsessed with, I still act like a loner, and the pain has definitely not gone away. I felt hopeless really, knowing everything that has happened yet nothing has changed. At the same time I feel like everything has changed from 3 years ago. It was graduation party day, and I reflected on a lot that has happened. I also felt stressed about recovery, but when I was reminded that I was really not dancing, or participating in the party, opting to stand near crowds but not doing much, I begun to think that maybe I just need to loosen up. Sometimes I just need to enjoy myself, and my stiffness only stresses me more. I'm not entirely sure though.

Today I did much better in managing emotions, but I failed, when I didnt manage my emotions while playing a video game. I was too concentrated and when I stopped, it was like a torrent.

I've begun to deal with ending my crush once and for all. It really helped lower the stress from the obsession, and I feel like I finally understand my obsession from outside of the emotions. I asked my friends who knew about my crush to tell me what they actually thought of her to help me see. She appears to be a nice girl, pretty, and funny. But underneath, she loves attention, and according to my friend, me and her "boyfriend"(being 14 is way too young to actually be considered dating) aren't they only ones with a crush on her. According to rumors, almost everyone had a crush on her, but it's all speculation. People call her Misa, and she's just like the character from the show, Death Note. They both love the attention, and act so innocent. Both of them aren't too smart, and can be annoying in my opinion. More on the innocence thing, she subconsciously acts more evil. Once, she began to flirt with me, giving me that soft smile, and kept going out of her way to talk to me. Later, when I purposed texted her to find out what's with the sudden messaging, it turns out her "boyfriend" broke up with her.(For about the 9th time, and not even permanently.) I felt used and angry, but my crush still held and grew every now and then. More recently, she texted me once more while she was bored and alone. Sigh, she then began to say all this (might I say) "bull" about how she won't forget this class and me. This class she will remember, but me, no way. She throws me away when she doesn't need me and comes back when she's bored. When I stopped taking the initiative to text her during the crush, she talked to me daily. Once I stopped, she hasn't even looked at me or texted me for 4 months. Still, she acted so innocent, believing that she really would't forget this class. Unfortunately and ironically, me and my 2 friends are going to a guys school, and the only two girls going to the respective sister school happen to be Misa herself, and her friend who has a crush on my friend. now I believe in God, and that he plans these things, mainly from how many amazing coincidences happened in my life. That makes me wonder now, what was the point of having me still know her? In the short term, it forced me to get over her because I couldn't just say "Goodbye Forever". It really makes me wonder what's in store though, and who will Misa hang on to, when no one else is there.

About my recovery, things have been moving smoothly, but recently I had a problem dealing with my boredom. Yesterday I got my new laptop and all so there was no way I could be bored, but today, I was forced outside for my piano lesson, then to buy a fridge, and lastly for dinner. In the interval when I was on the computer, I began to look at porn after an initial hesitation. I believe that boredom managing was the trigger. I'll try to deal with it and rationalize why I just have to deal with it, or I could try to "Enjoy the Boredom" as I had read from a thread on the recovery nation community support.

Wish you all the best,
Aero

I'm feeling like I was beginning to succumb to mental weaknesses in Recovery. My failure to manage boredom created stress which led to acting out, not to mention I began feeling like recovery was hopeless, and that my situation is a curse. Today I willed myself out of it, and I'm thinking of where I go, and how I recover from here. My boredom control is better off the computer possibly because on the computer I have a choice to do something fun rather than be forced to manage it. I plan to make the decision to work, then enjoy things off the computer more.