Recovery Nation

This is the start of my Recovery Thread. Regrettably I have been involved in multiple affairs and online sex dating sites for the past 20 years or more. My actions and behaviour have destroyed my wife. 20 years of love and trust are completely gone. This time was not the first time that I had been caught either. The chances of saving our marriage are slim. I realise that I have to change myself for myself. If I do this solely to save my marriage, it will not likely change my behaviour in the long term. I have to do this to make me a better, healthier person. I hope beyond all belief that my wife is able to heal from this. She is the most wonderful, insightful, kind, beautiful, generous, natural, humourous, loving, nurturing person I have ever met. She never did anything wrong; she never deserved any of this. I took something sacred and shattered it, and her, in lies and deceit and infidelity. For me and for her, and yes, hopefully, our marriage, I have to stop and change my behaviour into something that I can be proud of.

Hello camville and welcome to Recovery Nation.

I noticed your recovery thread in the Welcome Centre, so I moved it here, to the Self-Help Recovery Threads forum. As long as you open this thread and choose "post reply" when you wish to add a new lesson response, then all of your work will remain in this thread.

You are correct that you need to do this for yourself. I think that "to make myself a better, healthier person" is pretty generalized, but that is okay. I you progress through the workshop you will define "better, healthier, that you can be proud of" for yourself and you will create action plans to help you live into your new way of being.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Lesson 1 Exercises


A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change early in recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change:
I have spent a great deal of my life avoiding real issues, placating people so I don’t have to face the real problems. Every other time I have been caught having an affair, I swore that I would stop. It was an honest commitment as I knew that what I was doing was wrong and horrible and, I’m a smart person, I can stop having sex with other women. This is the first time, ever, that I have started to really look at myself and have made some discoveries of which I am not proud and have started to admit things to myself. I know that I have already fallen into the crisis management trap of wanting to save my marriage, make my wife feel better, save my son from his own huge trauma. Of course, I want my wife to heal and save our marriage, but I also know that if I continue to lie and deceive my compulsiveness won’t stop. But for one of the first times in my life, I have to not take the easy way out; for the person I want to be not the person I have been. I want to be able to look in the mirror and truly, honestly be proud of the person that is looking back at me.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change:
I am incredibly ashamed of what I have done to myself, my wife and my family. How could I have done this without “calling out” for help is the question she has asked more than once? Normal, good people don’t do things like this. At this point I cannot give her an answer. I tend to take the blame for almost every little thing, so this is going to be a very hard thing to do.

3) allowing yourself time to change:
The one thing that I have realised is that this is going to take time. Instant gratification has been a huge problem for me my entire life. It would be easy to stroll through all the lessons and claim I’m “cured”, but I would only be fooling myself. There are 40+ years of ingrained behaviour that has gotten worse and worse. It may take 3, 6, 12 months; maybe years. But I do know it won’t change overnight.

In regards to all of the thoughts above, someone said to me recently that this is going to take courage. That one word really sums it all up. Courage to admit and take responsibility for what I have done, courage really do this for the right reasons, courage to really look inside of me, courage to keep working, courage to do what is right, not what is easy. The one thing that I have never really been is courageous. Although having my affairs be revealed for the 4th or 5th time was the crisis that has brought me to this program, I think that I am finally realising that if ever there was a time to be courageous and stand up and fight, this is the time. Whether my marriage survives or not, I do not want to go through the rest of my life hiding, deceiving, lying, concealing.


B) List 10 to 15 reasons why you seek to permanently change your life:

1) I want to be able to look in the mirror and be honestly proud of the person that is looking back.
2) I want my wife to come to know that whatever it is I am saying is the absolute truth.

3) My children think I’m a wonderful person. I want to be the person they think I am.
4) I want to be fully involved in my marriage. Truly thoughtful of my wife’s and family’s needs.
5) I want to truly communicate; not talk, but really communicate. The “hard stuff” not just the easy day to day stuff.
6) I want the time that I spend with my family, and friends, to be committed and active, not just present.
7) I want to be able to sleep at night.
8) I want to be able to act normal, just be, and not have to always wonder if I’ve covered my tracks.
9) The truth you never, ever forget.
10) I want to regain, maybe even find, my self-esteem.
11) I want to devote time to activities that I used to love doing rather than those that are destructive.
12) I want to start taking care of myself physically.
13) I want to lose the Jekyll and Hyde. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
14) I want to know that my actions are not self-centred or self-serving.
15) I want the love I give my wife and family to be complete and honest and not just coming from one part of me.
16) I want to stop feeling like everything that goes wrong is my fault. (See #9)
17) I want to develop a healthy, loving sex life, not one based in lies and secrets.
18) I want to live my life knowing it’s not all about me.

I know that there has been quite some time between when I posted the Lesson 1 exercises and this. My teenage son, who knows nothing of this, has been off school for a week which has made it somewhat difficult to devote the time to thinking and writing. At the same time however, I do have to wonder how much of that was a subconscious loss of momentum. That is something of which I have been guilty most of my life. I tackle something with great enthusiasm and fizzle out as time goes on.

Lesson 2 Exercises

Having lived in a world of self-centeredness and deceit for most of my life this whole process is being challenging. But as I said in one of my last posts, it is all about courage. Today does not have to look like yesterday, it can be better and tomorrow does not have to look like today; it can be better even still. Even as I write this preamble, I see two main “visions” that I want to carry forward with.

Camville’s Life Vision:

Honesty

Honesty with myself and with others. Without beating myself up over it, being honest to myself about the things that I have done and the trauma and destruction that I have caused my wife. Using it as a motivation and not a focus.

Honestly accepting that I am not a bad person, but rather have had many bad behaviours that I have to change.

Every day knowing that I have to physically think less about the truth and accuracy of the words I am about to say because there will be no lies or deceit. I will come to know that what I am saying is the absolute truth.
There is a certain peace that I’m not sure I have experienced many times before in knowing that something is the truth. And as I said before, the truth you never, ever forget.

Honest to both myself and my wife when I have recognized a behaviour or pattern appear, or, God forbid, I actually engage in a negative sexually motivated behaviour. Not waiting to be asked the question, “Since the last time we talked have you done anything you’re not proud of?”

Honest to my children in whatever I say to them. Knowing that hypocrisy (do as I say, not as I do) is more and more a thing of the past.

Commitment

Being committed to my health, both mentally and physically, each and every day. Knowing at the end of each day I can honestly think of at least one thing positive/constructive that I have done that has made me feel happy or proud or accomplished. Even if that means I have had to be open and honest about a destructive behaviour.

Completely and absolutely committed to my wife. She always said she was the most married woman on the face of the earth. This is the husband that I strive to be. I can never give her back the parts of me, the time I wasted on my selfishness, but I can make sure that what I give becomes more and more honest and complete. Truly think of her and her needs – doing so in a way that is proactive and not reactive (no more Christmas and birthday shopping the day before, if at all). Be vulnerable with her; not weak, but there is so much that I have kept to myself, and worse hidden. She has always been my biggest support - honestly do the same for her.

Commitment to the positive interests and hobbies that I have neglected for so many years. We have always been the biggest part of each other’s lives. Hopefully we remain so, but we both need space to pursue those things that fulfill us outside of each other. I have for so long neglected things like my music, friends, physical fitness because I felt it was taking time away from my wife. They were not taking time away from my wife, finding other women online and having sex with them was taking time away from my wife. Ensuring she takes time to do the same for her own sense of fulfillment, pride, self-esteem.

Commitment to true communication; not listening but actually hearing the needs, concerns, problems, joys, dreams. I have long listened to many words from many people but 30 seconds later been completely unable to tell you what had actually been said. But also communicating my needs, concerns, problems and joys, dreams. I would keep things bottled up inside; little things that quite likely could have been resolved with 5 minutes of communication that get buried and turn into resentment.

Commitment to finding true intimacy. With all my heart, I hope that this happens with my wife, but even if that is not meant to be any longer, I want to be able to be healthy in my outlook on sex and intimacy.

Commitment to not “taking” blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong with anybody, even if I had nothing to do with it. The word “sorry” can be a powerful and healing word. I have reduced it to a meaningless “word whisker”.

Self-esteem

Most, if not all, of the things listed above are constructive and positive things that can’t but help make me feel better about the person I am. Hence, I am not going to list individual things.

In looking over this before posting it to my thread, I believe that it is practical, doable and a way forward. I also hope that I will return to this from time to time and revise it as things that were a vision become a reality or I feel that something was important right now, but something else is more important in the future.

HI Camville

Welcome to RN. You are in the right place to make the changes you want. This website was created by people like you for people like you. Many of the coaches and mentors have faced the same problems - so we know the trumphs and setbacks, mainly from our own experience.

The lessons are cartefully organised and work best if worked at on a fairly regular basis. Considering that many of us spent hours each day using porn and sex, it doesnt seem a huge commitment to spend 15-30 mins each day reading, thinking or writing an exercise in the workshop.

But as you also point out this takes time. Why? Because if you are like me at least, your mind works in certain ways that means we will struggle for a while with committing to recovery. Recovery needs honesty, patience, momentum, and prioritising long term gains over short-term gratification - as you also note.

At the star then, it will feel strange to try and commit. We will be confused. We need to take a step of faith that the lessons know more than we do right now. But if you commit and decide to follow the guidelines - to do the lessons on a fairly regular basis and to practice what you learn out there in your life, then change will happen. Because it must happen.

There is that Einstein quote that insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. If you are serious about changing, then use RN and begin changing.

I lilke that you have noticed you used your son as an excuse to procrastinate. I did much worse when I came here which is why I sound evangelical about organising a time each day to do some work on RN. It took me some months to click - and that came as the result of finding 30 mins at the start of EVERY day to read or think or write.

So, if your son is at home - why not print some lessons and read them? You dont have to be online. You donty have to tell him. If RN is to work for you, you do need to make a real, practical commitment.

Think of it like a gym membership. Buying the card won't get you fit. Using the experts and the equipment will.

Here is the central point about Recovery Nation. The central lesson here is choice. If you want to choose to live by having affairs and using online dating - if those are truly your values - then you can do so. If however you choose other behaviours and patterns - to live according to other values - then here is where you can make a start and make a different choice.

We are here to help you either way. But whether you make the changes you have already written about, only you can decide.

So work the lessons. REad other threads - these will give you guidance on a particular lesson. Read the Community Forum. Almost any issue you have will be addressed there. Ask questions. Ask for help.

And good luck my friend. Good to have you here. Make the change - you can do it.

Shaw

Hello, Shaw. And thank you for your comments.

Another difficult aspect of going through this process is that other than a psychiatrist that I have been seeing to try to get to the root of many of my issues, there currently is no one that I am able to talk with/confide in regarding my sexual problems. As my wife has said, she is going to be neither my therapist nor my jailer, as I am the one that has inflicted this destruction upon her.

It is truly nice to get some words of encouragement. I completely understand that this is my battle and just the fact of receiving encouragement is a form of instant gratification in and of itself, but still it is nice to hear from time to time.

This is probably a good point to also make a couple of acknowledgements to both myself and the forum.

I need to win this battle for my own well being. Period!! But I do have to admit that a great deal of my vision, and some of the reasons I want to change my life have surrounded both saving and improving my marriage. Those are both very worthwhile and valuable reasons, but I have to say here and now for all to read, that the likelihood of saving my marriage is very, very slim.

My wife has always had an expression with respect to any sort of realtionship that the "lightswitch" is either on or it's off. Particularly in an "intimate" relationship (past boyfriends, husband) she is of the mind that you are either with her or you are not.

She has outright told me that at this point that the switch is off and she doesn't really know if it will ever be on again. She has said that at this point we are not together (let's call a spade a spade, we're separated but living under the same roof) and she is going to pursue other relationships.

So, with all that said, I have to keep focused on the fact that I am doing this for me and all future relationships, of any sort, that I have. I do hope beyond all belief that my efforts here will be sufficient and that my wife will be able to come to terms with all of the carnage I have wrought in a healthy way and that we can, for the first time in 20 years, start to build a truly healthy, honest, devoted marriage, not half a marriage.

In the meantime - Courage. This is not the time, for everyone's sake to "fizzle out".

Thanks again for your time and words and listening to me ramble.

Lesson 3 Exercises

Values extracted from my vision as well as additional positive values:

1) Fidelity – The relationship that I am in with my wife is the only relationship that I both want and need. I cannot say that I am committed to my wife when there is a part of my brain that is actively, or passively, thinking about searching out other women. She deserves my complete and undistracted attention and efforts.
2) Monogamy - For my marriage to work, there is no place whatsoever for other women for sexual purposes. That includes surfing sex dating sites, trying to contact other women, flirting with other women, meeting other women to try to have sex with, and actually having sex with other women.
3) Integrity – For every aspect of my life, there has to be complete and utter honesty. Being honest about things that I have thought or done, not holding anything back, knowing that there are no lies or half truths buried in what I am saying. Knowing that my actions are honest, honourable, positive and done with the best of intentions.
4) Pride in myself – I think that one thing that has come out so far is that my self- confidence is extremely high, but that my self-esteem is extremely low. This is a hard fact to come to terms with when you honestly think that you are not a bad person. But I have to start doing things that truly make me feel good about myself, things that I have mentioned before and will be expanded upon in some of the other items below. I know that this is kind of very open ended statement, but I guess the bottom line is that when I look in the mirror I don’t want to have to avert my eyes or yell at myself for the things that I have done. I want to be able to look at myself square in the eyes and feel good about what I’ve done and the person that is looking back at me.
5) Good communication – As good a speaker as I can be, when it comes to emotions, being caught cheating, I become a stammering idiot that usually means my brain is trying to work faster than my mouth to cover my tracks. I need to take the time to make sure that what is coming out of my mouth is plain, understandable and the truth. I have to not be afraid to say what I am thinking and honestly feeling. Even if something might not be the most pleasant thing for me to have to say, if it needs to be said then do so. But I also have to truly listen and not just hear. I’m sure that there has to be thousands of times that my wife has said something while we are talking or just in passing that, had I been listening, would have been quite significant. I think a lot of this also has to do with a portion of my brain being pre-occupied with things that are part of my destructive sexual behaviours. If parts of my CPU, so to speak, are not busy with destructive thoughts, there is a lot more room for constructive thinking.
6) Thoughtful – There is more to being thoughtful than holding a door open for someone or making a cup of tea. There is the seeing or thinking of something that needs to be done and just doing it. Just making dinner instead of asking, “what do you want for dinner?” Or starting to clean the house before being asked when you know there are people coming over in a couple of hours. Instead of rolling over, getting out of bed to drive my son to school so my wife doesn’t have to. Being on time for things that are really important to my wife; well actually being on time period. Every once in a while, bringing home flowers as a way of saying “Thank you for being the most wonderful and supportive woman and wife in the world.” Again these are some actual instances from my life and this really does encompass a great deal more. Bottom line though is to be looking outwards to other people rather than inwards to my selfish side.
7) Open – Be transparent. No secrets, no lies, no deleting histories on computers. The one problem that I face with this is not necessarily me, but my circumstances. Due to the nature of my job, I spend considerable time away from home. As my wife has said, if I want to find a way to find women for sex I’ll find a way; I’ve been doing it for 20 years. Based on my history even though my computer, or whatever, may be clean because I honestly haven’t used for anything, how can I prove that I haven’t done anything else with some other computer in a city that can be thousands of miles away from home. This topic also comes back to communication as well. If there are things that I am holding back, actions or emotions, how can I say that I am truly open?
8) Supportive – This applies to my wife, my children and also my friends. If my wife wants to do something, try something, switch careers, change her hair style, whatever, she should know that after being open and communicative and honest with each other that she knows that whatever she wants to do, I will support her. With health issues, she should know that she can count on me to be there for a shoulder to cry on, encourage her, pick up the slack at home. For my children, much of the same statements apply. As they grow and find their way, they will continue to need the guidance and support knowing that even if they don’t make the best of decisions, they will always be loved and someone will be there to continue guiding them. That does not mean they won’t be responsible for their actions, but there will always be a support mechanism, even if that means helping them to face up to what they have done.
9) Generous of my time – Even though I spend time with my wife and family, as my mind is probably always working subconsciously on sex, that time has been tainted. It is not just about spending time with people, but actually being with them; engaged, giving, loving, supporting, caring, challenging.
11) Intimate – and this is not just about sex within a healthy relationship. This also includes the touching, hand holding, cuddling, date nights, nice dinners out with just us, days at the beach, weekends away; the things that mentally bring us closer. Again I have realised that as physical as I have always been with my wife, kisses, hugs, touches, my selfishness has taken away a lot of time from us that would have been better spent in thinking about, being with, keeping intimate with my wife.
12) Improving myself – Many things here; not always feeling sorry for myself, better fitness, better diet, reading more, time spent thinking about the damage I have caused and how to prevent that from ever happening again.
13) Devoted to my wife and family – This ties into the fidelity and monogamy topics, but if I am with my wife, then I am with my wife. It really is an all or nothing proposition. I cannot say that I am with someone and then go out trolling for other women to have sex with.
14) Role model to my kids – Ensure what I am telling and showing to my children, and my wife for that matter, actually represents the real me. No more hypocrisy!!
15) Guiding my children – Providing them with the advice and support to allow them to make more and more responsible decisions on their own. When they fall down, be ready to offer them the advice or give them the independence that they need to pick themselves back up.
16) Being able to be vulnerable with my wife – There are so many times that I have kept thoughts and feelings buried or hidden from my wife. In 20 years, other than the times that I have been caught having an affair/sex with other women, there is only one time that I can remember letting it all out and sobbing like a baby in front of her. It was the day we had to clear out my family’s cottage that we had had for almost 35 years. She was completely supportive, accepting and understanding. I tend to go along feeling sorry for myself thinking “why do I have always have to be the strong one?” when in reality, she is the strong one because she gets it done and I keep things bottled up inside. This quite likely has ties to the fact that there is so many illicit behaviours that I have had to keep hidden that I keep everything hidden.
17) Pursuing music/hobbies – I have always loved music and right up into my late ‘20s, played more than one instrument. Due to work commitments at the time, I essentially abandoned my music, but always wanted to continue with it at another point. There have been many of those points in the past 20 years where I could have gotten back to playing, but have always avoided it because I felt it would be taking time away from my wife. Lie, Lie, LIE!! It was my sexual behaviour that was taking time away from my wife and I was just using this as an excuse. This is something that is productive, healthy and yes, valuable to my wife as well. In making an effort to improve in something constructive, this will most certainly help me on the road to a healthy mind and lifestyle which will only improve my wife’s quality of life and time with me.
18) Accepting responsibility for what I have done – There is no room for beating around the bush about what I have done, no minimalizing, no justifying. What I did was WRONG!! It has destroyed my wife. She might just as well have been beaten up or raped, because the effect on her mind, her self-esteem, her sense of what is right in the world, even which way is up is completely and absolutely shattered. We all know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in soldiers, emergency workers etc. If my wife ended up suffering from this as a result of what I have done, I would believe it.
19) Not accepting responsibility for absolutely everything that goes wrong – In conjunction with the last note, I have to make sure that I don’t take responsibility/apologise for everything. I still don’t know where this has come from (childhood or knowing what I’ve been doing to my wife so I “apologise” for everything) but, as she says, some days I apologise for breathing. Again that can’t help but make me feel better about myself.
20) Sexual intimacy in a healthy relationship – Sex is one of the most wonderful things that two people can engage in. My sex life with my wife was, up until 6 weeks ago, has been fantastic. Unfortunately I reduced the intimacy and special bond to nothing as a result of my actions. I want to a sexually active and healthy person, but it must be within the confines of a healthy relationship. Tackling this behaviour, moving away from destructive actions to productive, healthy one will allow me to enjoy the beauty of sex without the shame, guilt, deceit that has come along with my “other” behaviours.
21) Pride in my family – I have always been proud of my family and let people know just how fortunate I am to have the wife and children I do. But it is tainted with the sexual behaviours; how can I really be proud of them when I do these sorts of things and my mind is not fully involved.
22) Improving fitness – I have for too long let myself go to hell physically. I don’t want to compete in the Olympics or body building competitions, but for my own sake and that of my family, if I can improve my fitness, it will not only make me feel better about myself, but also return the years to my life that I have squandered away.
23) Friendship – I have lost contact with too many friends over the years. Once again, I use the “taking time away from my wife” excuse as the reason not to see people. Not only does this alienate me from them, but it is not positive or healthy. It is good to have real friends outside of one’s family. It enlarges one’s world and experiences and keeps an interest level in life in general.
24) Taking time for myself – I have come to the conclusion that I do need quality time for myself. Not time for destructive, secretive activities; time to reflect, concentrate, exercise, pursue hobbies, visit with friends. I find that I am making notes more than I ever have in my life during this process. This is a good thing as it is helping to keep me focused.
24) Taking time for my wife – Spending honest quality time together. It may be as simple as curling up on the couch for a good movie or a walk, or as involved as a weekend away or talking about our latest problems, failures and successes.
25) Follow through/completion – For a great deal of my life, I have always started out on a project, and even some jobs, with great vigour and enthusiasm. As time goes on, however, I start to lose momentum and fizzle out. More than once this has resulted in completely failing something. Even with some hobbies I have the same behaviour. I have to make sure that what I am starting I truly have the desire, motivation and interest to pursue and then keep my progress in mind and if necessary set targets for completion.
26) Financially responsible and sensible but not stupidly stingy – We have all wasted money on things that we didn’t need or thought it was a good idea at the time. I am just as guilty. However, I can be ridiculously stingy with money. I will look at something like a pair of shoes and say, “I’m not going to pay $125 for those. That’s too expensive.” But if I stop to look at the quality and know I’ll get 5 years out of them and really like them, wow, that’s about $2 per month. The other issue that comes with this is that my wife will spend money on something that I don’t think she should have, or was too much etc. But I don’t say anything and then I start to harbour resentment about the money she has spent. This is certainly not a healthy way to conduct a relationship and there is certainly nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence.
27) Speaking up for myself – Far too often, I concede to other people even before there has been any discussion; “Whatever you want is fine.” It’s not a matter of trying to please others, it is more a matter of rolling over and playing dead. Being non-confrontational!! Even looking at the example above (#26) in matter where money is concerned, I say nothing when I could, then get resentful about the money that has been spent. In various jobs I have had, I will say nothing about an issue but then be the first one to complain.
28) Selfless – Most of my behaviour for a great deal of my life has been all about me. My destructive sexual behaviours are totally and absolutely about me. I also spend a great deal of time, even now, feeling sorry for myself; how self centered is that? I have to do things because they are the right thing or the nice thing to do and leave it at that. Think about the other person/people involved. It is there moment or I’m doing it for them, so don’t go looking for validation if was the right thing or good enough. That tarnishes what I have done and made it all about me.
29) Compassionate – I need to make sure that the compassion I have/feel for someone is truly for them. I have to ensure that I am not pursuing my own agenda that turns it into a self-centeredness. I feel really bad for you, but when this happened to me……Be truly giving without reservation because the person to whom I am being compassionate deserves it without any thought of myself.
30) Appreciative – This has two sides to it; being appreciative and accepting it as well. Be appreciative when someone deserves it; a good tip for a waiter in a restaurant, acknowledging someone you see doing something nice for someone else. As my wife knows very well, there is great joy that comes with being appreciative of other people, not for something in return, but because they deserve it and it is the right thing to do. On the other side of the coin, if someone shows appreciation towards me, accept it for what it is. Don’t downplay it or minimize it. That just diminishes and tarnishes the value of what that other person has done for or said to me. Self-esteem issues, maybe? I tend to slough off appreciation when it is given to me. As self-centered as I am, I am very uncomfortable being made the centre of attention.
31) Sympathetic- As I think about it, I think that I can say, almost word for word, what I said in #29 Compassion. The emotion is different, of course, but the motivation and the actions should be identical.
32) Have a good sense of humour – Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.
33) Being dependable – Having people now that I can be counted on; to be on time, to remember birthdays, to not forget to stop by the grocery store, to know that whatever it is I will get it done.
34) Better organized – I must develop a better system of keeping track of things rather than just in my head. I think that my brain has been too scattered for many of the past years. I always joke that I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, but far too often things get forgotten about. Sometimes very simple things like buying milk and sometimes not so simple things like scheduling time for birthday present shopping, or being late for an important family event. Times like that my wife, and rightly so, has always been furious with me; particularly seeing as she is extremely punctual and never likes to be late for anything.
35) Inquisitive – There is nothing wrong with being inquisitive of the world, of other people, of one’s self. What is wrong is when that curiosity is acted out in a negative and destructive way. Someone once said to me that the day they don’t learn something new is the day that they stop living.
36) Playful/childlike – not childish – Play. It is a good thing. Being able to play with my kids,although as they are in their teens and early ‘20s the manner of play is different than it was 10 years ago. But being able to play video games with my son, even though I am terrible and he can whoop me every single time. Being able to kid and fool around with my 21 year old and “bug her” like I used to can sometimes bring her back to the simpler times of childhood and helps to keep me young. To be able to play with my wife. Sexually of course, that is absolutely wonderful, but also be able to be playful with her; dance in the middle of the grocery store, kiss her deeply on the street. These are the sorts of things that keep us young at heart.
37) Courage – facing behaviours/life – For me, rolling over and playing dead is the simpler and usually preferred method of dealing with many of life’s issues. That usually involves deferring to someone else’s decisions that I feel can handle the situation better than I can. Especially in combatting my sexually destructive behaviours, my obsessions, my compulsions, this, if any time in my life, is the one time to have the guts to stand up and do what is right and what has to be done. Don’t trade one obsession for another. Even though we are living in the same house, my wife has started to see another man. I am realising that I am becoming obsessed with knowing what she is doing. The one minor point is that I have not had any need or want to go onto a sex website. The VERY BAD point is that I am still fuelling my destructive behaviours with a different obsession. At this point it is none of my damned business. As she has said, “right now we are not together and we may, or may not, ever be together again”. She is doing what she wants to do and has every right to do so. Hopefully it will be something that is healthy for her regardless of whether we remain together or not, but it is her business. I have to combat this problem to make me a better person. Hopefully we will come out of the other end of it together. But for now, she can do what she wants. Have the courage to accept that, move on, face your own demons and don’t deflect upon something else.
38) Travel and exploring the world – Travel has always given me such joy and there is so much of the world that I still want to be able to see. Do it. Go out and explore and be inquisitive and relax and enjoy and explore.
39) Mentoring junior colleagues – Training is something that I have always excelled at and has given me great satisfaction. There are several younger colleagues whom, over the years, I have helped out at various stages in their careers and, quite honestly, hope I have helped to shape along the way. I always remember mentors/teachers of my own that had positive influences on me. This isn’t about being self centered and look at good a job I did, it is honestly about being a positive influence in someone else’s life.
40) Being known as trustworthy – Who does not want to be known as trustworthy? This is something that I have completely destroyed in my marriage, and may never be able to get back to with my wife. But it is something that I want to have happen for me. Even if I am never able to regain that from her, I want to be able to know in my heart of hearts, that, yes, I am someone that can be trusted about anything.
41) Being completely loved – Again this is something that I had in spades and as of 6 weeks ago, through into the toilet. I have never, ever been as completely loved and cherished as I have with my wife. As with trust, this is long, hard road to haul and may never happen with my wife. But I know that when I come out the other side of this being healthy, there is a chance that I will find that again, hopefully with my wife.
42) Being known as honest – As with the previous two items, I must work to rebuild my credibility to where other people know that what I am saying and do is absolutely the truth.
43) Being validated by loved ones – We all want to be validated, to know that someone else thinks we are worth it, are doing a good job, are caring and nice and so many other things. Unfortunately, I have for far too long taken a good chunk of my validation from the absolutely worst places, sex websites. Why, when I have a devoted, thoughtful, caring, loving wife who cherished me, would I be seeking validation from an email from some strange woman or a brief sexual encounter that afterwards leaves me disgusted and ashamed. I will leave that behind, I will leave the satisfaction of obsessions behind and learn to receive all of my validation from those that actually know, care for and love me.
44) Attentiveness/attention span – This ties in very closely to #34 Being Better Organized. I far too frequently zone out and miss what is going on around me, miss critical pieces of a conversation, don’t remember things that I should have. Is this me or is the part of my brain that has been pursuing my sexually destructive behaviours? Regardless, I have to retrain my brain to make sure that when I am dealing with, talking to someone that they have my complete and undivided attention.

Values influencing sexually compulsive behaviours:

I am not going to expand on each and every point here. I think it is pretty self-evident the ugliness of them and I think that having them stand out on their own, in this case actually has more of an impact than trying to rationalise them out.

1) Selfishness
2) Instant Gratification
3) Deceit
4) Lack of self esteem
5) Loathing of self and behaviours after the fact
6) Lack of discipline
7) Lying
8) Lack of respect for wife, self and family
9) Obsession
10) Risk of disease
11) Loss of time
12) Waste of money
13) Not being fully involved/engaged – part of brain working on something else
14) Guilt
15) Shame
16) Disgust
17) Thrill
18) Losing the love of my life
19) Hypocrisy
20) Damaging my children
21) Covering up
22) Infidelity
23) Loss of respect
24) Loss of family
25) Loss of friends

It has been over a week since I posted to my thread. I went back to work and had to go away for 5 days. I did not bring a computer with me to avoid temptation but have been continuing with my lessons in a note book. In some ways this has been easier as I have been able to make note, scratch out, change the order of my values list and be able to actually see the progress and thought process that went into it.

Over the next couple of days, I will transfer all of this to my thread online.

As I think about the whole process of becoming heathy, I have to admit to myself that if I am going to succeed, then I have to say that today is the first day (second time around) of my recovery thread.

It is amazing and even shocking at how one addiction/obsession can so easily be transferred to another.

My wife has started to see another man. While she can very often not even talk to me or even stand to be in the same room with me, this man is witty, intelligent, truly interested in her, compliments her, makes her feel good about herself both physically and mentally. I don't believe that their relationship has become physical/sexual, although she has told me that they have kissed and not the quick peck on the cheek or lips kind of kiss.

In this regard, my wife has never lied to me. She has always said that she will always tell me the truth; and I believe her. That is one, many things, about my wife is that she has never, ever lied to me. She has said that I may ask her anything and she will either tell me completely honestly or tell me that it is none of my business. As I have said in the past, while we are living under the same roof, we are, for all intent and purpose, separated.

The problem has become that I have been obsessing about her relationship with this other man. Intellectually, I have nothing against either of them. My wife has been mentally assaulted by me and has retreated from me emotionally while she tries to heal and figure out what to do with her life. As for this other man, he approached an attractive, witty, sassy, sparkling, intelligent woman that wasn't wearing a wedding ring and his approach was accepted. He knows that my wife is married and she has told me that he has asked if she would be seeing him had I not done what I did. Her response is a categorical "NO"! She has told me, and I understand this, that he is providing her with both an intellectual and emotional release and soothing that not only I can not give her now, but she also needs, so that she is not thinking about our situation 24/7.

So I don't blame either of them.

However.......it is crushing to me to know that my wife is seeing someone else. She is emotionally detaching from me, attaching to him and potentially going to have sex with him. She has said that she has told him she is not going to have sex with him and he is fine with that. She has told me that sex is not on the table, but that it is not off the table either. If she does she will not have sex with him, but will sleep with him and potentially make love to him.

I undertand the hypocrisy in this. My comparison is this hurt to me being a single grain of sand but the hurt I have caused her is a complete beach of sand.

In the early stages after I was caught, out of anger, my wife had said that she really wanted to have revenge sex with 5 men beacuse I had had sex with 4 other women. I think having her go out to pick up someone for a one night stand would have been easier for me to handle. But as she says, she is not a one night stand. This is so much harder because she is forming an emotional bond.

Unfortunately, for me, I have become obsessed with this realtionship. A couple of weeks ago, I was going through her email, looking through her stuff, looking at the recordings from our dashboard camera. I have been successfully fighting those urges for the last couple of weeks, but it is still an obsession and is taking my time and energy away from trying to improve myself and make myself healthy.

Last week before I went out of town on business, she told me that she has not written me off, but if she thinks that I am still checking on her, going through her stuff, tracking her or him, it will only drive her farther away.

I never realised just how much of an instant gratification/obsession personality I have. It has really surprised me how quickly I have transferred my instant gratification from one thing to another. Admittedly, I have had no problem with sex sites or trying to find other women. That is only because my dopamine was being fed from another source.

I think what has hit me was a line in one of the early lessons that said in essence, if you can't control your urges for one month, then you've got bigger problems.

So here I go, again. I must keep all my urges stopped. As my therapist has said, I have to let go of her for now and maybe for ever. But if I keep obsessing about this other realtionship, she will sense or know it and it will certainly drive her away. She has to heal in whatever way works best for her. And I have to realise that this process is about making me healthy not about saving my marriage. It was easy to write the words about courage and 'if there is ever a time to be strong...' I never realised just how painfully difficult it would be to act upon. But, if ever there is a time to be strong.......

Lesson 4 Exercises

Here is my list of prioritized values. I am just listing them as I feel I took enough time with the explanations of the values during Lesson 3.

1) Honesty
2) Fidelity/Monogomy
3) Integrity
4) Devoted to my wife and family
5) Improving myself
6) Pride in myself
7) Good communication with my family
8) Role model to my children
9) Accepting responsibility for my actions
10) Thoughtful
11) Courageous
12) Compassionate
13) Selfless
14) Open
15) Supportive
16) Sympathetic
17) Being dependable
18) Appreciative
19) Generous of my time
20) Loving unconditionally
21) Guiding my children
22) Being proud of my family
23) Being known as honest
24) Being known as having integrity
25) Being validated by my family
26) Being loved
27) Being known as trustworthy
28) Follow through/completion
29) Attentive
30) Improving my level of physical fitness
31) Music/hobbies
32) Intimate
33) Friendship
34) Vulnerability
35) Taking time for myself
36) Making sure my wife takes time for herself
37) Being dependable
38) Speaking up for myself
39) Sexual intimacy within a healthy relationship
40) Having a sense of humour
41) Being inquisitive
42) Being organized
43) Playful
44) Financially responsible
45) Exploring
46) Being mentor

Lesson 5 Exercises

a) Yes, I believe that this list is an accurate portrayal of the person I want to become.

I have looked at the list more than a few times. Each time I have noticed 1 or 2 of the values listed ( eg. Fitness, hobbies, intimacy) and wondered why I have them so far down the list. I went back to Lesson 4 and re-read a good chunk of it. The big thing that finally sunk in was an initial order of prioritization that “feels right” and that both values and priorities change.

At this moment, I can start to work on my music and fitness. I would love for there to be intimacy, but I understand that that is something that my wife is not able, and ready, to give and may never.

So, yes, I feel I can safely say that the top 10-20 values I have listed do reflect the person that I am committing to becoming.

d) Since I first wrote the response in part a) I have made a few minor changes. But here is my top 15 prioritized values with which I will initially derive a great deal of my life’s meaning .

- Honesty
- Fidelity
- Integrity
- Devotion to my wife and family
- Improving myself – mentally through healthy living, learning and reading
- Taking pride in myself and my actions
- Improving the way in which I communicate with my family
- Being a positive role model to my children in both words and actions without the attached hypocrisy
- Accepting responsibility for my actions in a positive way; not accepting responsibility for everything
- Thoughtful
- Courageous to face this journey and all of life’s hurdles
- Open and transparent in all my actions
- Compassionate
- Selfless
- Being dependable
- Supportive of my family in what they do

Lesson 6 Exercises

Proactive Action Plan for 2 or 3 of my Prioritized Values:

1) Physical Fitness
- Plan to go to the gym every 2nd day. That way if I am working and miss a day, I will still get good benefit.
- Make a chart of what exercises I am doing to track progress and be able to increase levels.
Seek out advice from T. A-P, or websites such as Men’s Health, to get some constructive guidance and/or an exercise plan/regimen.
- Don’t over extend and hurt myself.
- Noticeable results, both cardio-vascular and muscle tone will take time – weeks not days
- Monitor overall trends in weight change – don’t micromanage day-to-day fluctuations.
- Eat sensibly – healthy, in moderation, avoid empty calories or “just because” snacks.
- There is nothing wrong with an occasional indulgence.

2) Being Thoughtful – Elements of this also tie into other items that are further down my values list such as Being Selfless, Follow Through/Completion and Organization.
- Remember important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day etc) and act on them in a timely manner. Not like last year when my wife got absolutely nothing for her birthday!!
- Do things because they are the right thing to do.
- Do my fair share of school driving
- Be proactive about making dinner
- Allow others to have their say or tell their story. Don’t always interject with my own experiences unless appropriate.
- Do not expect praise or return gestures. Be thoughtful and do good things because it is the right thing to do.
- After doing something thoughtful, do not ask if what I did was good or good enough. That shifts the focus back on me and cheapens the benefit given.
- If someone mentions something that would be good to remember (ie. Something they want for their birthday, a good restaurant they like to go to etc) make a note of it in my day timer or note pad so I can recall it or be reminded of it in a timely manner.

3) Honesty
- DON'T LIE!!!!
- AN OMISSION IS THE SAME AS A LIE!!!!
- Question if I’m being honest with myself.
- Have I done something and lied about it or not come completely clean?
- Are the motivations for my actions noble?
- Am I glossing over my motivations with justifications of some other reason and the intent is less than honourable?


As I look over this list, I realise just how difficult some of these are. The points about physical fitness were easy to come up with whereas the others required more thought. I have to admit that I am struggling with some of the more in depth subject matter. I say I am committed to changing myself, and I want to change myself, but I am finding it quite difficult to overcome my obsessive personality and not fall back onto something that is “easier” and feeds the immediate gratification.

I start to question, can I do this? Can I save myself and my family?

I know I have talked about courage in the past, but Damn, it is being really, really hard some days.

My wife has told me to stop lying to her. By that she means that if there is anything I have done that she should know about that affects her life, she wants to know about it. Even though I have just written the above points about honesty I struggle with the thought that if I do tell her she will be overwhelmed yet again and we’re done. But I also know that if I don’t start showing the courage to do what is right pretty damn soon, there will be no us anyway.

I read somewhere else, a month or so ago, from someone who had been through this battle that winning this is like training for a marathon and that your partners will notice if you are not keeping up your end of the bargain. So much of what I am trying to overcome in terms of trust I can’t prove; Deleting internet histories, using “In Private Browsing”, setting up clandestine email accounts. I know that I haven’t done any of those things, but with my credibility, saying it…..Not worth very much, eh?

Hi camville,



This is where, at least in the beginning, willpower comes in. While you are learning the skills necessary...there definitely is a willpower aspect, where you will be directly working against your ingrained patterns of action. This is why, in the beginning, things will feel very awkward and mechanical. But, keep putting in the effort, and it will get more natural over time.



What would help for this (at least based on the action plan for honesty) is a change in perspective. For instance, let's look at the first things you've mentioned in your action plan:



These are still based on avoidance. And the problem with this is, it doesn't really give you much direction in how you should act. So, rather than "don't lie", how about "tell the truth"? It is that simple of a change in perspective, but this positive focus allows you to constructively improve your behaviour.

One thing that would also help you in thinking about this is, rather than thinking about the possible negative consequences of telling the truth, think about the positive consequences of telling the truth. When you think "If I tell the truth, my partner might leave me," this creates the exact stress that causes you to revert to rely on immediate emotional gratification (which is what you do when you lie to save face in the short term, at the expense of long-term consequences). So, give some thought to the positive consequences of telling the truth...you won't have to feel guilty, you'll act with integrity, you'll have self-respect, etc. etc. The best ones are the ones you can think of and connect to yourself.

Of course, what you really want to get to is a point where you are telling the truth because it's the right thing to do...not based on your consideration of the consequences either way, positive or negative. But, considering the positive consequences is a good starting point.



Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Good morning, Boundless.

Thank you very, very much for the honest words.

It is actually comforting to know that you mentors and coaches are indeed looking at what we out here are posting and providing pertinent and helpful advice. I think the one thing that has been most difficult for me is, other than a therapist, is that I haven't had anyone to really talk to about this for a different perspective; or sometimes a kick in the pants.

I find it amazing at how a simple change of wording can alter how a message is communicated, even within one's own brain. I guess this is a great deal of the trap in which we find ourselves in that we look at everything with a negative slant rather than trying to find the best in something; glass half full.....

Yes, the willpower required at this stage is immense and, unfortunately, at times weak. Awkward is only half of what it feels like. A lot of times when I'm battling these urges, I have this huge pit in my stomach. I know that the end result of all of this will be very positive and healthy. What I have to do is to keep looking and moving forward towards that goal; not look sideways at what my wife is doing in her life or backwards at what I have done previously in my life.

Again my profound thanks for your time and sincerity.

I do have one other question that I would like to pose to you if I may?

I have just finished reading Lesson 7. As the exercise says, take the next week to do up action plans for the remaining prioritized values. Is the intent to keep working on additional lessons as well whilst I am doing up the action plans or should I hold off on more lessons until I have the action plans completed?

Thanks
Camville

Lesson 6 - Revision 1

3) Honesty
- TELL THE TRUTH!!!!
- AN OMISSION IS THE SAME AS A LIE!!!!
- Question if I’m being honest with myself.
- Have I done something and lied about it or only told part of the truth?
- Are the motivations for my actions noble?
- Am I glossing over my motivations with justifications of some other reason and the intent is less than honourable?