Recovery Nation

Lesson 3

Values:

1. Honesty
2. Humality
3. Loving others
4. Being loved
5. Striving for excellence
6. Being respected
7. Being a role model
8. Taking care of myself
9. Taking care of my loved ones
10. Responsibility
11. Being dependable
12. Becoming a better boyfriend to Renee
13. Becoming a better father to my boys
14. Intergity
15. living with compassion
16. Developing emotional maturity
17. Striving for excellence
18. Overcoming personal struggles
19. Sexual intimacy
20. Developing sustained friendships
21. Experiencing fatherhood
22. Being judged trustworthy
23. unconditional love
24. Living a humble life
25. Being known as reliable
26. Connected to my own feelings
27. Resourcefulness
28. Being a better friend
29. Establishing my legacy
30. Installing healthy values in my children
31. Finacial stabliity
32. Sacrifacing for others
33. Building things
34. Intellectual growth, communication
35. Communicating my feelings
36. Feeling happy and content
37. Self discipline
38. Pursuing my dreams
39. Finincial freedom
40. Passionate about life
41. Developing patience
42. Being connected emotionally to my gf
43. taking care of others
44. commitment
45. compassion
46. Kindness
47. sincerity
48. Balance
49. focus
50. generosity
51. passion
52. politeness
53. professionalism
54. sharing
55. thankfulness
56. appreciation
57. cheerfulness
58. clarity
59. forgiveness


My Dark Side

1. Anger
2. Arrogancence
3. Boredem
4. Denial
5. Depression
6. Jealousy
7. Lying
8. Selfhiness
9. Stubbornness
10. Weakness

Hello, and welcome to RN!

I am happy you have started to post your lessons in a recovery thread. Keep replying to this thread with the work from each of the lessons you work. It will be your so-called base of operations while you are here at RN. It looks like you have a good start on your values and understanding them

I like to say few standard things whenever I get the chance to welcome someone here.

First, you need to remember your recovery should be for you. Yes, you can have other people in mind while you are here---your wife, your children, your friends, but the primary motivation needs to be from you and for you. Becoming your healthiest self is the primary goal, and the only way you will be fully meeting your potential. You have to do it for yourself above all else.

Next, you should create a consistent work schedule for these lessons. Three times a week at a specific time should be a good start, but whatever it is, it needs to be frequent enough that you will always be mindful of your recovery. I would also suggest writing a recovery diary and/or reading supplemental material from various authors to round out your experience. Ask around. People here are quite willing to share books and author names with those who are interested.

I would also suggest you participate in the forums. Asking specific lessons in the forums helps to ensure a coach or mentor sees the question. Also, many other people have valuable insights, and what they add to the conversation is sometimes the best answers you will get. In that spirit, you need to consider participating in the forum and adding your thoughts to the discussions presented. Never underestimate your contributions. Also, many times the best insights come while you are trying to answer a question, because the act of answering often demands one consider a lot of information. So, by answering you will not only be helping others, you will be helping yourself.

So keep up the good work and continue to post here. On occasion, mentors and coaches will comment on your thread and offer advice, but don't be afraid to ask direct questions if you need.

Lesson 5

1. Honesty
2. Humality
3. Becoming a better father to my boys
4. Becoming a better bf to Renee
5. Living a humble life
6. Communicating my feelings
7. Living with compassion
8. Loving others
9. Compassion
10. Commiment
11. Being connected emotionally to my gf
12. Sexual intimacy
13. Being judged trust worthy
14. Responsabilty
15. Taking care of my loved ones

Lesson 6

Communicate my feelings (I have kept my feelings to myself most of my life. Both of my parents died when I was young. I have never truly learned to communicate properly)

-Learn to listen before I speak
-Control my temper
-Watch my words
-Know that my feelings deserve to be heard
-Talk in a calm voice
-Understand that I'm not always right
-Never use bad language to communicate

Become a better father to my boys (my kids don't live with me, or near me but I still want this, I need this.)

-Call my kids more often
-know that establishing a bond will take time with them. It took time to loose that bond
-Listen to what they have to say
-Communicate with them and share my feelings about their life
-Make sure I tell them I LOVE them every time we talk.
-Make sure that I make it to their sporting events
-Ask how they are doing in school
-Make it a point to see them as much as I can
-Take the time to write them a letter, not e-mail
-Express my feelings, let them know how much I miss them


-

Lesson 10

This has been the most important lesson to me so far. It reached out and grabbed me. I read it twice. I have always prided myself on my honesty. Just to realize that I have been lieing to myself and to the ones I care about the most for years. This is my most important value.



a)
I do not have any porn or other items in my home, car or any where. My addiction started with internet porn. I used to have a playboy collection. I got rid of that about three months ago. I have a movie collection with a few risque movies. Not porn, but movies with nudity, and sex. I am not currently watching any of these movies after my last relapse about a month ago.

b)
strippers on the internet
any one I have seen in the past naked on television or a movie

c)

internet (my phone)
craig's list
movies with nudity

Chapter 12

I've read this chapter 3 times trying to make sure I understand where I think I am. I am think I am in the third group. I have been doing the lessons and exercises, trying to learn and get the most out of them. It has helped me realize my values and what is impotrant to me in acheiving a healthy life. I have no urges to watch porn, or any other inapproriate material. I still find myself thinking about masturbation from time to time. Most of the time I am able to stop these urges. But there is always the time that I could not. I tried to lie to myself and say that I read that masturbation was fine as long as it was not excessive, was not daily or multiple times. Looking back on this I realize that its defenitly not healthy while you are going through recovery. I do find myself minimizing my addiction, or capping it. Still wanting to hide the addiction from myself and the people I love. I love the feelings and emotions I get from living within my values, but I obviously have a long way to go for a full and complete recovery. Just removing porn, movies, and visual images was just a start.

I am doing the lessons and exercises and will continue to do so with a better approach, a more constant approach that keeps everything fresh in my mind. Capping my addiction gets me nowhere but right back to where I started.

Lesson13 Healthy Recovery Patterns

I am all over the place in this chapter. The only thing I am sure of is I am not in late recovery. I don't seem to have all of the traits mentioned in early recovery. Although I do struggle with relapse, which is mentioned in early stages, and I do see myself testing the waters. All I have done so far is cap the addiction and lie to myself that I am doing better. Not watching porn or other visuals is not the only part of this addiction I need to address. There is so much, allowing my self to let my walls down. This is something that I am just now trying to fulling understand. Trust, trusting in my self to do the right thing, and trusting in my partner by being completly honest. Straying from the exercise....I really relate to a lot of patterns in middle recovery. I do accept that I have been struggling with imoral behavior. I do want to live a life I can be proud of, not a illusion of lies and deceit. I still make bad decesions when it comes to masturbation. This is something I am really working on. I go 30 day, and then I act out. I know it is not acceptable. I am focused on controlling this problem and developing a new pattern to take the place of masturbation. Although painful and depressing I am focused on turning faliures into positive experiences. I have thought over and over about the things that have brought me to this point....porn, internet, nudity, masturbation. I defently have emotional relapses that affect my partner. My partner is defently not able to commit to me fully because of my choices. I know there is doubt, and many other emotions in regard to my recovery. All I can do is keep pushing forward with commitment, knowing that healthy choices and strong values will lead to a healthy recovery. Everything else will fall in place. I still have a long road ahead, but I know it is possible to overcome this addiction.

Hi bigslick,

Good work on the last few lessons.

One question I have: where is your lesson 1 and 2? Both are very important lessons...your vision is essential...and I don't see them here; did you post them somewhere else? It is good to post all your lessons to receive feedback.

For your list of top values (the 15 top values from lesson 5): you may find that your list is not practical enough. For example, values like honesty, loving others, being trustworthy...these are excellent, necessary, and need to be developed. However, they tend to give you very little direction as to what to do every day. It is your practical values: your family, friends, career, relationships, hobbies/leisure activities, etc....that is where the practicalities of every day life come through. And it is through your practical values (spending time with your partner, your family, career, hobbies, etc.) that your universal values will be developed. When people put too many general or idealistic values on their value list, they can feel confused, as it doesn't give them a lot of direction in terms of decision-making. One thing that may help is splitting your values up into universal values and practical values...with universal values being general principles that affect all areas of your life, and practical values being those day-to-day activities that give your life meaning. And they can both be developed at the same time...for example, being trustworthy as you talk to your partner; loving others through volunteering at a local homeless shelter (or whatever floats your boat). Hopefully you see what I'm saying.



Don't worry if you don't identify with all of the traits. The traits listed are just general ones that many people show; it doesn't mean you will necessarily exhibit all of them and this is part of your unique path. Many people in early recovery display a mix of healthy and unhealthy traits, and these tend to be linked to your motivation/sincerity. The only time to worry is if most of your traits come from the unhealthy "Those Who Will Continue to Struggle with Relapse" category (particularly ones like trying to appease those around you). But people in early/middle recovery can still exhibit traits from the "Those Who Occasionally Struggle With Relapse". These are just guidelines to give you an idea of where you are, and to get people who may be off course to examine their motivations and keep these traits in mind. So just keep moving ahead.



My one question here: is it possible in your head, you still have some kind of "abstinence goal"? For example, in the back of your mind, you're thinking "I can make it to 30 days, no masturbation". The problem is that this almost becomes part of your subconscious motivation. So it works well for the 30 days...but then once you've made 30 days, it's gone, so you act out, which throws you back into a recovery/relapse cycle.

I would suggest against day counting. Of course, abstinence is very important, particularly in early recovery, so you can achieve an emotional separation from your addiction. This can't happen while you're still acting out. So, there is some value to doing an extended abstinence period.

However, during this time...your main focus should still not be "counting days"...because eventually, you will reach your day counting goal...and then what? If during that time, you haven't been developing the rest of your life and your life skills, there will be nowhere to go, so it is easy to fall back into acting out. Abstinence causes you to remain focused on avoidance. But no long-term recovery will be built this way. It is only with a positive focus, where you build and develop your life into what you want it to be, that will allow you to end addiction.



Actually, this may seem like the case, but it isn't. Well, in terms of consequences, it is. You still face the consequences of those actions. It is no doubt part of what brought you to where you are, but it isn't the fully story.

In reality, the porn, internet, nudity, and masturbation are just symptoms, not the cause. What brought you to where you are was an inability to manage your life and your emotions with the skills you had. This caused you to rely on short-term emotional relief, as opposed to long-term life management skills. So the porn, internet, nudity and masturbation were responses to the stress and imbalances you were facing. They were what you relied on to manage your emotions...and over time, this distorted your identity and perception. But hopefully you can see from this description why abstinence is not enough...emotional and life management skills must be learned.

This is very important to understand...as it will allow you to take the focus off the behaviours themselves and start making changes to the fundamental core of your identity and how you manage your life. Again, this isn't to say the behaviours shouldn't be stopped. They must be. It is just that to end addiction permanently, you must look beyond the behaviours and examine the core of who you are. It can take a while for you to come around to this insight yourself, so just keep up working on the workshop diligently and asking questions.



Exactly. Maintain your sincerity, your desire to truly change, and your effort, and everything will fall into place.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks for the words of encourgament coach B. Lesson 1 and 2 are a few pages back. I'm not a computer genious, but I'm trying to do my best. Same with my spelling .

I appreciate the insight into lesson 5 with my 15 values. I will revisit this list and try to take your advise and adjust it. I was about to post lesson 7, but I think I will revist my list of values and adjust it before I complete this lesson.

I really appreciate the advice about stopping masturbation, and not day counting. Focusing on life-management skills and values makes much more sense. I have looked much deeper into my sole trying to find where my actions stemmed from. I lost my mother at 10. I had a younger brother and a sister who I had to learn to cook and we all cleaned. My father was very physically an verbally abusive. I got in trouble for not having dishes done, beat sometimes, very verbally abusived. Somewhere during this time I found masturbation as a excape from reality. I never thought it was wrong. I learned to lie to hide things from my father to avoid the abuse. Somewhere this translated into my addiction. Somewhere in my mind I mad it ok to lie to those I love to protect myself. This is something that I'm really just starting to realize. My addiction has no place in my value system, or in managing my life. Letting down my walls and discovering this has really helped me understand where I believe some of my actions stem from.

I have no where else to go but up! The fall to the bottom took a long time!

Lesson 14

Daily monitoring list:

1. Did I lie today?
-100 percent honest about everything I do
2. How did I treat my gf today
-Did I show her respect
-Do I have all my walls down
-Was I selfish or stubborn in any way
3. Did I talk to Cameron and Ian today
-Did I call them or did they call me
-was there any meanful conversation
-did I tell them I love them
4. Did I do everything I set out to do today
5. Did I act out in any compulsive behaviors today
-Did I masturbate
-Did I have any trigger sititutaions
-did I acknoledge any urges
6. Did I make a effort in rebuilding trust today
7. Did I go about life humbly today
8. Did I communicate my feelings today
-Did I start a conversation with my gf today
-did I open up honestly
9. Did I develop patience with something that I felt was negative
-how did I respond to these feelings
10. Did I show unconditional love today
-to my partner
-my kids

Lesson 15

Perceiving your adiction

The most important part of this work shop so far has been realizing that there is so much more to recovering from addiction then just stopping acting out with compulsive behavior, porn, videos, etc..Actually remembering what is impotant in life, and re-evaluating my core values. Learning about those values and using them in my day to day life is something that I have taken for granted for years. Without these important values I am now realizing that every realtionship i have ever been in was doomed before it ever got started. If my values are not in tact it is not possible to ever have a healthy life style. This is something that I have always know, and I think most people know. But they loose sight of those important values as there addiction overcomes there life. Really thinking about my values and understanding the meaning of them has started to make me feel more balanced day to day. I am sure as I continue the workshop I will develop more skills that will also help me manage my life as a healthy productive person.

HI Big

This is good:



I sometimes break recovery down to: 1. Learning how to stop. 2. Learning how to start. The method for both is similar - replacing addictive sexual patterns with healthy, posaitive, organised ones. All we are really learning to do is live our life actively, being present in the moment and learning to think clearly to make healthy decisions.

As you say, this is something most of us here have forgotten. At the start, we are defining our addicition and beginning the process of identifying what kind of person we want to be.

Dont panic if you feel remote from this - you are beginning a new relationship with yourself, one that will help build indepenence and self-confidence. All this means is learning to act from your values - not avoid your values and emotions through fantasy.

On this it may well be worth writing a new vision and values - for yourself. Really describe the kind of weekend you would like to spend. Who would be there? What would you do? Imagine the kind of life yoou want and the kind of person you want to be.

Dont take long doing it - be instinctive and honest.

I like your monitoring. You might be able to refine one or two small areas - there are a few parts which are quite similar. But it is good. Keep these in front of you right now - use them to encourage you each day and keep yourself in line!!!

Good work. Keep pushing on.

Shaw

Thank you Shaw! Your words of encouragement are important to me. As are any words from any of the coaches or mentiors. Believing in your self, your values is your mental health is priceless and extremly fulfilling. Feeling like a new person every day, stronger, and smarter. It makes me value life and the people I love in a way that I have never known how to do.

Thank You!

Lesson 16
Understanding Addiction 1

I have had several addictions through out my life. Alcohol, drugs, and now sexual addiction/masturbation. I have went through a few courses earlier in my life for the other addictions. They helped a little. It wasn't until I was ready to quit that I actually quit. I have been clean for many years now. This addiction is different though. Not understanding it, or just not believing it was a problem is the biggest problem of all. Not understanding that this addiction comes from a lack of core based values has been the biggest problem of all. I'm not saying that I never had values because I always have. But, to loose sight of your values and not use them in my day to day life, my day to day actions is where the problem started.

That being said:

I have been using my addiction for several positive things through out my life. The loss of my mother, the separation of my children, any time I have conflict in my life, and managing stress. These seem to be the things that stand out too me. I have done a lot of reflection, and put alot of thought into this, even before this lesson. Masturbation has been a way to let go of the problems instead of addressing them. All it has done is given me temperary gratification that has gotten me no where, except having more problems. It has caused unnecessary stress on my realtionship with my partner. A lack of intimacy with the woman I love. It has caused me to bury important issues in my life that need to be addressed, not hidden away inside of you. As I realize my values and use them on a day to day basis to go through life, I find myself not looking for temperary gratification. I find myself looking for that deeper gratification, the feeling of understanding and coping with stress becomes much more fulfilling. There are so many more ways to find real gratification, instead of a tempary fix.

Hi bigslick,

Good post for lesson 16, though I want to correct one misperception:



This isn't actually the case. There is not several addictions...there is ONE addiction, made up of numerous patterns. One primary life management strategy. This is a problem many people have realizing when they don't yet see the direct connection between their addiction/compulsive behaviour, and their emotional management. This can result in is what I call "behaviour switching" (I use to call it addiction switching, but that isn't technically accurate). This is when someone transfers the emotions they are relieving through their compulsive behaviours from one behaviour to another, and it is common for those who base recovery solely on abstinence. So people who have stopped masturbating...suddenly find themselves addicted to online chatting. Or someone stops drinking...finds themselves gambling compulsively. Or shopping. Or playing video games.

In all these cases, all that has happened is that the emotions have been transferred from one behaviour to another. The underlying patterns that cause the emotions that truly drive the addiction and compulsive behaviours remain the same. And since you're still dealing with the same emotions, you find ways to deal with those emotions. Most people aren't even aware that this is what is happening. Of course, because the patterns haven't been dealt with, they still live their lives mostly compulsively, and put themselves in prime position for a relapse...even though technically, they weren't really recovering in the first place.

So it isn't accurate to say "this addiction is different". The consequences are different and the behaviour is different...but the reasons you're engaging in the behaviour remain more or less the same: immediate emotional gratification, distraction, avoidance, and the underlying thought patterns that are driving the emotions that you're relieving. You say you've been clean for several years, yet you were engaging in your sexual addiction (and I'm not saying this to rub your nose in it or anything; just to drive home the point I'm making). Correct me if I'm wrong, my guess would be that it was precisely when you quit drugs and alcohol, that you started to notice an increase in sexual addiction and use of masturbation. Or it was more of a slow descent into new behaviours. Or it was precipitated by a major life event. You will explore this more in Lesson 20. The point is that rarely with an abstinence-based approach, without help from others to see it, will people actually do the kind of identity building that is necessary to overcome addiction permanently. Usually, it's a temporary reprieve or abstinence...even years of abstinence...until some kind of life situation hits that causes the person's lack of life management skills to become apparent, causing them to fall back into some kind of compulsive behaviour.

And don't worry if this provokes a forehead-slapping, "why didn't I see it before" reaction. It's pretty common for people to see their addictions as separate, as well as separate from themselves. But with this approach and perspective, you can eliminate ALL your compulsive behaviours...because they all run on similar underlying patterns and you engage in them all for similar reasons of emotional gratification. End the behaviour, end the patterns, and develop healthy behaviours to replace them, and those patterns will be gone (barring the threat of major complacency in life management, or some kind of major stress/trauma)....and your addiction will be gone.



Yes, this is true. No one completely loses track of their true values. Even in the deepest parts of my addiction, there were things I cared about. It's just that we've never learned to use those values to make decisions or get true emotional fulfillment. When you're that deep in addiction, it feels impossible. And this is one of the reasons why the hole of addiction is a tough one to climb out of, one that needs full commitment and a comprehensive plan...because it affects all aspects of your life. Thoughts, emotions, behaviours, identity, perception...there's not a corner of your life it doesn't touch. Which is why one of the best signals of true recovery is when you start to make changes in ALL areas of your life, rather than just the ones that have to do specifically with your addiction (like sexual/romantic behaviours). People who only try to make narrow changes don't make the connection that your entire life is connected...so by only focusing on the behaviours of the addiction, it is impossible to have any long-term impact, since the patterns that drive the behaviours usually have little to do with the behaviours themselves.

You look like you're on the right path and having insights for yourself. Keep it up.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha