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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 4:51 am 
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the anniversary of the best, worst day of my life
it is seven years today since my D day

I say the best worst day of my life why?
worst, because I was caught, I destroyed her life, her cherished memories, her aspirations, her confidence, her trust
best because I discovered that I was a monster and decided to do something about that

what happened next?
I started to peel back my deeply seated and oft times well hidden layers, discovering the me that I had become, the me that I was in denial of, but still I lied protecting my addiction whilst not acting out , trying to avoid some of the reality, just in case!
I hated myself
I was disgusted and ashamed knowing that I had to change yet fearing that very change, realising the consequences of my actions for the first time in my life

it was some months before I found RN, now that date is reason for celebration but November 4th 2009 will never be forgotten

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 8:36 am 
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Location: UK
A note to myself
Whilst watching the US presidency results coming in I was sitting with my ex
she was watching something on her computer complete with headphones
She was laughing real belly laughs just like she used to do pre D day

I noted my feelings
I was ecstatic that she was laughing again, it has been too long
I was jealous that she was laughing alone, we used to laugh together
I was saddened by the fact that I had caused her to cry rather than laugh, she did nothing to deserve that pain
I was was grateful and happy that although she was not sharing the moment with me
she does allow me to share some elements of her life

I need to and will ensure that I deserve whatever she wishes to share and to accept honour and respect her boundaries

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 2:23 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I post this to remind myself of what I say to others
Recovery is a journey and that journey takes time, I illustrate this with an event that took place with my ex-wife a few days ago

I have read many posts recently where addicts start out in the programme desperately wanting instant change and recovery; well in my experience this is normal but not attainable
It is normal perhaps because for the first time in our lives we have faced the reality of whom and what we have become

It is unattainable because change takes time, we need time to unlearn old habits and replace them with new value based actions, we need to grow up and that by definition takes an evolving route
I am not saying that we cannot see immediate improvement and feel better about ourselves and our lives, but that is not recovery
Some say that “once an addict always an addict”
I don’t buy into condone or accept that, people can and do change both for the better and for the worse all of the time ,
Recovery for the addict and healing for the partners from the pain and damaged caused by the actions of we addicts is definitely possible for those who really want it and are prepared to work hard and be patient to achieve it, however healing takes exponentially longer than recovering
Why?
Because they are the innocent victim, we know about our issues and problems even though we deny them and convince ourselves that our actions are hurting nobody, our partners get hit with a sudden devastation ,often followed by lies and minimisation and drip feeding from us, the trust broken.
To illustrate this:
A few days ago I was cuddling my ex, kissing and caressing, and yes I became erect, she asked me to stop and I did
Some 4 hours later we were driving when she said
“It still sits deep within you”
Remember the, IMO misnomer of , once an addict always an addict, well once that trust is broken it is understandable that my “victim” should think that way viewing my erection as an habitual act rather than a symbol of love and affection
Perhaps somewhere in here is a both sides question, but that needs to be thought through further

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 6:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I just finished watching a Harry Potter movie
one of the closing lines was
Quote:
we must choose between what is right and what is easy

how pertinent is that in recovery

choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 7:31 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
well here we are into another year
at this time I usually take time to reflect and intended to post my thoughts on myself today
however last night my ex kissed me
properly kissed me
I burst into tears
that overtakes any reflection and hopefully indicates a major step in her healing

so Kenzo
remember a quote from your earlier post
I need to and will ensure that I deserve whatever she wishes to share and to accept honour and respect her boundaries

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
As stated in my last post at this time of the year, actually at all times of the year time for reflection but not procrastination is useful

I read many posts and shame and guilt or lack of often come up so I reflected on these two emotions related to me and only me
I completed the programme twice starting over in September 2011 after my one slip
at that time I posted

Quote:
not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

This is not so easy as I still carry healthy and un healthy shame
I know that I am guilty of many dire and disgusting things over many years and these events have controlled and ruined my life and those that I love
I know that I have this guilt and so I know that I will need to deal with it
I wont however let it prevent me from the road to recovery

I still feel guilt and shame because I am and always will be guilty, I cannot change my past but I also have immense self pride in who I have become
I suppose it is similar to me committing a crime, getting caught, going to prison, rehabilitating whilst serving my time, but still being guilty of that crime whilst ensuring that the guilt and shame has only positive affects on me


Quote:
I expect that recovery will be a lifelong commitment

I now know this to be true however, that commitment is a pleasure and certainly not a burden

my reasons for wanting change were

Quote:
I want to be happy
I want to be free of guilt
I never want to have to lie again
I want to feel self respect
I want to be respected
I want to see all people as people not objects
I want to live life and have fun openly
I dont want secrets
I dont want to risk my health nor my freedom
I want to have sex only with love
I want to give more than I receive
I want to know that I am not hurting myself or others
I want to be able to talk openly about and be comfortable with my sexuality
I want to think in the way that healthy people think
I dont want ever to have to make excuses for myself
I want to be clean not dirty and disgusting
I dont want to offend
I want to set a good example
I want to be free of the shame that I carry
I want to be in recovery not in abstinence


with two exceptions

Quote:
I want to be free of guilt
I want to be free of the shame that I carry

I have achieved these goals and as I sit here today I do not want to lose my guilt or shame, I simply want to own them and use them as positives

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:43 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I was listening to radio discussing BREXIT
getting bored with the same old same old when the commentator said
before we decide where we want to be and how we intend to get there, dont we need to know where we are and how and why we got here?


That resonates with me in life and in recovery
I know when I started my journey that I did not know where I was and more importantly I denied the truth because it hurt

but without facing it and "owning my history" I could not have got to where I am today

Am I there yet?
No
but I am certainly not where I was, thanks to RN, my ex, and Kenzo
Will I ever get there?
I certainly hope not, being the best that one can possibly be is an ever progressing target

Do the above statements buy into the old adage of once an addict always an addict?
CERTAINLY NOT

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 5:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
In reading recent posts I was prompted to remind myself of the four agreements
so I post them
Whilst acknowledging the difficulty of living by them to the letter on an everyday basis is certainly not easy
the essence and the respect of them is so so beneficial and rewarding

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:04 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Another lesson learned or perhaps re learned and about time to

I spent 11 fantastic days with my ex sharing cuddles and confidences
Then I asked
"Why are you here with me?"

The answer
"because you are good company and I enjoy your company"
I felt hurt and reacted badly, I thought that you went for a drink with people who are good company

I did not realise at the time but do now that she was actually paying me a compliment

but the Selfishness that apparently still remains told me that I deserved more
What a T**T

I need to recall who caused all of this s**t, who then poured it at her door

As said lesson learned and endorsed

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
My ex told me yesterday that she is now starting to enjoy life again, for the first time in more than 7 years
that news is fantastic as it shows that she has definitely started to and moved along the path of healing
BRILLIANT

Healing takes so much longer than recovering and must be so much harder
a thought to consider when we addicts feel sorry for ourselves

This news prompted me to consider my own position and I to am enjoying life
perhaps truly for the first time in my adolescent and subsequent adult life
before recovery did I actually have a life, or did I have a number of excuses and practices to simply get through life
that is the fact
I was lost in a life that was destroying me and I was embracing it
sobering thought
frightening thought

but using the positivity of that thought guarantees the direction that my life continues in

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:05 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I posted
Quote:
the direction that my life continues in


this reminder to myself that change is inevitable

growth and development or decline, comes with experience, good and bad
reality, post mid point of recovery is that we do get the fact that we do make that choice, we always did but in addicted full bloom did not realise or accept that fact

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 6:42 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I responded to a members question regarding values and this provoked me to evaluate and reflect on my absolute values
being
I will tell the whole truth and ensure I have done or thought or sought nothing that shames ME

I will not hurt any person with whom I have any kind of relationship

I will not undertake any instant immediate gratification without ensuring that it would not affect my continuation into recovery

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 4:48 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
I just spent the last two and a half weeks with my ex, away from home, in the city of her birth in the former Eastern Europe
No computer, no internet, no phone
as 90 % of the conversations were in a language that is difficult for me to contribute I used the time to reflect
I thought about my values, my emotions, my actions, my successes and failures

I concluded that I really do like me, the me that this programme helped to form
I stand bye the comment that I made some years ago (I now enter my 8th year of being here) RN saved my life
Yes I did the work, I made the commitment but RN showed me the way
Anyone reading this and having self doubt regarding whether or not they can recover, dont

RN works if you really want it to
If you dont really want it to then why are you reading this?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Perhaps this post belongs in the community forum but for now as the following are my personal beliefs I post it here
I see the word commitment every time I open the RN forums
Quote:
I am committed to recovery


what does this mean?
commitment is : a willingness to give your time and energy to something that you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something:

and
something that you must do or deal with that takes your time:

Quote:
Poem by Goethe
Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans;
That the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision;
Raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now.


IMO being committed to completing the RN programme does not suffice, helps yes
being committed to learning from the RN programme does not suffice, helps yes
we need to commit to change
nothing must be allowed to stand in the way of positive change
we need to take what we learn and integrate that into our lives into our very core
we need to be committed to self analysis, criticism, honesty, values, boundaries .................................... to ourselves

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Just spent 10 fantastic days with my ex sharing a bed but only for cuddles and confidences
We were as one
most of the time
but a number of time a word, a location a t.v. programme just about anything triggered in her a flashback to the old addicted T**t that was the Kenzo of old
she reacted usually with some innuendo, which truthfully I had to take on the chin


this, coupled to a post on our community forum from a partner asking "how long is enough"? lead me to ask will she always be scarred by my behaviour of old?
have I damaged her permanently?
I believe so
She certainly is healing and I hope that my honesty and actions are now helping rather than as was previously , harming
Is there anything that I could do that I am not doing?
Only I can answer that question but this general question could provoke interest in the community forum

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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