Recovery Nation

Did I practice my mother’s language today?
Did I feel good when interacting with someone by having an interesting conversation or helping them?
Did I express affection towards my parents? Either by initiating “love youâ€

Did I practice my mother’s language today?
Did I feel good when interacting with someone by having an interesting conversation or helping them?
Did I express affection towards my parents? Either by initiating “love youâ€

A compulsive ritual that I used to frequently engage in was masturbation. However, it was masturbation while being intoxicated. This produced a much more enjoyable effect than masturbating quickly before classes during college. When I masturbated while being drunk, it was usually on a Saturday night and I would have hours to enjoy my addiction, which makes me a poly addict.

Suspense is one of the elements of the ritual. I would wait for maybe one to three hours before achieving orgasm. This would of course make the whole experience quiet enjoyable.

Sensory stimulation, which includes sight and touch are the next elements for this ritual. I would spend hours looking at videos or on sex chats until I found the right one. I’m pretty sure I did not enjoy sex chats as much because they weren’t visual. If I, however, had a webcam, then my high would most definitely be taken to a higher level. Especially when my addiction deviated and I became curious for more bizarre desires.

Fantasy. Even though watching pornography is a real image and not an imaginary one, it still falls under the same category because I would “imagineâ€

1) Did I do my 90 minutes of physical work out consisting of running, lifting, swimming?
2) Did I practice my heritage language today?
3) Did I learn more about someone (stranger, friend, family) by talking to them? Their motivations, future or past? Just general characteristics?
4) Did I express affection towards my parents? Either through physical or verbal affection?
5) Was I healthy to my body today by eating vegetables or fruits?
6) Did I learn something new either by reading, television, radio, or conversations?
7) Did I initiate cleanliness by either doing chores, cleaning my room, clipping my nails, doing my laundry?
8) Did I spend time practicing a personal hobby for fulfillment? Either dancing, guitar, yoga, photography, poetry, drawing?
9) Did I find meaning by consciously trying to live in the present and limiting daydreaming and procrastination?
10) Did I fantasize pornography today, watch it, or act out?
Did I gawk at females today?
Did I engage in other compulsive activities like shaking my leg or pick my nose?
11) Was I being too hard on myself today and think of myself as a failure?
Was I overreacting to something and feel terrible about it?
Did I try to make myself feel better through values ie. Working out or did I masturbate instead?
12) If I did let myself down, did I realize that this is not black and white? That this is a slow process towards being a better person?

RE: "Even though watching pornography is a real image and not an imaginary one......"

Yes it's an "image" but it isn't real. THAT was the key for me and hopefully for yourself as well.

Try to remember that only YOU accept it as a reality. Only YOU want to make it a reality.

That IS the illusion.

I feel that during my ritual…accomplishment has meant as a ways of escaping my life. for a few hours even or a few minutes. It would actually…almost…I think yes…be my way of….enjoying intimacy.

Considering that I never really had a girlfriend this would be my way of enjoying intimacy. Considering that I would never really hook up often, this would be my way of enjoying this. This would also be my way to make my day better if I was feeling bad, stressed out, or other things.

A consequence that I’m realizing about “accomplishingâ€

i just realized something else concerning accomplishment.

the whole point of it, for me, was to experience intimacy. and i accomplished that.

the problem. PROBLEM though was when fantasy became my reality. it was when i would not be pursuing girls for physical pleasure and hooking up but i would gladly do that for porn. i'm not saying that i should go out there and just enjoy girls for physical pleasure...but i crossed a line early on in my development as a teenager where hooking up with girls was NOT my reality at all but achieving orgasm BY MYSELF was my reality. and then over time i'm guessing...fantasy and enjoying it by myself became my reality.

it became part of my identity. now i must separate it!!! wooooweee. sounds tough.

well today is saturday. i'm not at home but at my brother's house and will be going home later today.

how can i incorporate some of my values today?

-eating healthy when i get home
-clean my room!
-being affectionate with mother!
-practice my heritage language with mother!
-workout! (swim, run, lift)
-spend time on a hobby?...even look up times for dance classes?! to actually begin?! that would be swell
-work on my script! :)
-i need time to relax and play videogames. yes, this would be meaningful for me since i never do this.
-possibly read an article from the wsj. i do enjoy learning a little bit everyday!

bye!

Let me examine the ritual of whenever I was drunk masturbating. Of course it varied. But examining the issue of time…

“The closer an addict comes to reaching this threshold without going over, the more stimulating the experience will be for them.â€

I'm not entirely sure, but my gut feeling tells me that I watched pornography so I would feel better about not being alone, which is ridiculous because I was still alone and I was enjoying something by myself and not with anyone else except my sick imagination.

But how would a system of values that I live by make me feel any less alone? Busying up my day with things that ultimately do make me feel good, I guess that is probably a better and more healthier way of being alone. But...for example expanding my relationship with my parents is an important value for me, and I do believe I have been improving these past few months. And I also have a list of other values that are important to and I wish to accomplish today.

But I'm just questioning the bigger picture of all of this. I'm not doubting that I cannot recover or that this website is a lie, because this website is helping me. Greatly.

But...if fantasizing is my reason to avoid being alone...then how would having a system of values make my life better? How would it make me happier? Am I not supposed to necessarily feel happier if I have a set of values but am just dealing life in a different way? A more better way? So let's say I do deal with life in a better way. I am more well rounded. I actually do triathlons. I have healthier relationships.

Ah.

I see.

These IMPORTANT values don't give me an EMOTIONAL benefit. an immediate change like masturbating. but they give me something else. something much deeper that reaches to my core. values that are a part of who i am and that are the reasons that make my life much healthier.

for example the idea with completing triathlons in the future. yes, training for it is obviously less fun than achieving an orgasm through pornography, but it gives me a heck of a lot more sense of fulfillment in my life. feelings of accomplishment and being proud of who i am.

or the idea of having more meaningful relationships with friends and family. the list goes on and on.

there are so many. so many more things in life than to just achieving happiness through an orgasm. that is one way. but depending on it to hide something instead of embracing all of life around me obviously doesn't compare. and yes i may feel alone if i'm not emotionally with someone. but there are other ways to deal with that than by masturbating and dreaming. i can enjoy life around me and fulfill me that way. and hopefully i can have a loving relationship in the future. but i think i'm on track.

there really isn't anything good in masturbation.

How has addiction played in my life?

Well, it started as some fun joke when I was thirteen. It was fun, and enjoyable to explore my body. I did not really do it often when I was 14 because I remember I was more into videogames. And if I did do it when I was 14, it was usually in the shower. Creating fantasy through their instead of on the computer. But I never really turned to it more in my life when I was 15 years old, a sophomore in High School. I remember because I remember masturbating a lot during finals and I thought it was oh so much fun! I loved it. But I also remember this is when I started to become an emotionally unstable individual. This is when I had a huge crush on a girl and started to feel down and upset for things like that. I became frustrated with my athletics and started to actually develop and feel that I was different from most people. I think this is also when I started to “feelâ€

it was very interesting for me at the gym. for the first time, the idea of end goals started to have meaning for me...maybe because i glimpsed at future RN lessons ahead...but for some reason...

I realized for important and meaningful things for me the past two years I have failed with achieving goals.

For example: working out.

Working out (cardio) has always been a huge part of my life since high school. I participated in cross country, indoor and outdoor track. I love it. And hated it, too. I then continued on to do crew in college. The intensity level increased my love and hate for the sport that I eventually quit for personal reasons.

However, there should have been NO reason for me to become this little complacent person at the gym for the following two years. Yet I did. I didn't really know what I was doing at the gym to get bigger and just kind of went along with it and I kind of just hopped between the rowing machine and the treadmill and sometimes the swimming pool.

Even though I guess I should give myself a pat on the back for trying to run a marathon last fall, yet it ending in failing because of injuries...I never got back to anything. I should have tried to replace the marathon with something else but I just...I just didn't this past spring.

And of course. I was and still am an addict.

And I couldn't see how this was BLOCKING me from excelling in meaningful events in my life. Until I was working out today. I was upset because I'm still complacent with working out. I don't have a schedule with lifting weights and I have put in minimal effort to try to learn how to swim to replace my cardio for swimming.

All in all, I want change. And I want it now.

And I'm starting to realize...maybe just from a glimpse at some future lessons...the importance of goals. Especially in recovery, but just in general for me to live a happy life that I'm proud of!

I will do a swimming race. I'm sure they have to have some in the winter since they're done in swimming pools. No one has to read the little details of what I will do to achieve my goals.

The most important thing is that I will begin to make steps towards having goals in meaningful things. Not just including values in my life but striving towards them and getting something out of it.

I was just doing the dishes now. There is so much to achieve. So much in life that I have to live for that has nothing to do with "immediate gratification" but to be participating in events and activities that will make me proud as a person. And I don't have to be scared. I just have to do it.

Big breath.

That was fast.

Hey Lost K

I will read your thread in more depth, but just read your post on lesson 19. Great work. Thoughtful but also tough on yourself. I think you are creating a valuable link between fantasy and reality - how we turn the relationship on its head in our addiction to avoid pain, boredom, chaos - ourselves. Sorry that was my Hollywood moment.

This is great:



Commit to reality - at all costs. Coach Mel wrote that in my thread - and it gave me a challenge. To accept difficulty and even pain - but also to embrace real joy and not a dream - or image - of joy. You are right to say:



These are fine lines. You don;t want to objectify - that is everyone's curse here. but you want to balance reality and pleasure, real emotion and (for want of a better phrase) having fun. This shold be mutual - even if it isnt that deep, necessarily. It is about respect and respecting others.

Sorry - I have gone on - and perhaps not thought through all my comments. You are making progress and grappling with fine lines. If in doubt, err on the side of safety. Draw a boundary to protect your values and your recovery. Don't put than in danger at the moment.

But great job. Keep going and keep that structure. RN makes more and more sense the harder you work at it.

S72

What large goals have I attempted and failed?

Well, thankfully I am perfect! Just kidding. The idea with me completing a marathon last year but ended in failure due to a foot injury. Even though this may seem not that bad since it was a physical injury that prevented me from continuing my training, I am upset at myself for not getting involved with anything else that I could aim for while I was in school. I would have liked if I was strong and decided to achieve another physical goal. Because it really wasn’t about the running. It was about doing something that I enjoyed and pushing myself. And I’m sure I could do this with any cardio sport.

And even though it has taken me over a year to realize and to still unfortunately continue with foot problems, I have vowed to make swimming my new sport. At least my new cardio sport. The end goal of course is to do a race. Most likely a medium distance race. I don’t know if it would be one or many. But I would be very proud of myself if I can just get myself in shape where I can be confident to race.

Another goal I failed last year was not getting the GPA I should have earned in college. Yes, I should have. It was largely due to my first experience with romance, which of course ended in a disaster, but it really prevented me from focusing on myself.

In fact, it’s very interesting. When involved in this relationship, I completely forgot about myself. It’s sad because school was all first for me; I always worked hard in school and loved my effort. Yet I completely blew off school and believed romance was more important. WRONG! Hah. This is a perfect example of me distancing myself away from this important value (hard work in school) because of addiction. And even though this isn’t a pornography addiction, I literally was unhealthy addicted to her. It was terrible actually. She was my source of happiness and…I had nothing to make myself happy.

I will continue to digress…

I saw a psychiatrist after this thing with this girl ended. And actually…I think this was the first time, the first step towards me soon realizing and discovering my addiction. Towards me wanting to live a happy life. And it actually relates with my addiction.

This psychiatrist really opened a new door to me due to my perception. Yes, I was even learning about perception then. I genuinely believed that I couldn’t be happy in life without someone special in my life; this sounds sweet yet it’s ridiculous. I thought I could only be happy with this girl in my life and not on my own. And he basically told me, “no, you can live a happy life without herâ€

Pepperoni

To see or eat pepperoni in your dream, indicates that you need to add a little pizzazz and spice to your life. Alternatively, it denotes wholeness and completeness.

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I found the pepperoni info from dreammeanings.com under the section when you see a pepperoni in your dream.

this is awesome news for me. i did yoga for the first time last night and it was an incredible experience for me.

i most likely would have never done it if it wasn't for RN.