Recovery Nation

lesson 46


isolating it. it really is quite simple. wow. i know. i know what it is but i don't think i ever made the connection between how to isolate it which is really just replacing it.


but it's as simple as that even though it may not be that simple but that's the thing that i have to really focus and work on right now.


to be able to master and understand this chain....so yeah...


and once i understand the basic triggers...


all of my basic triggers, which for me is...


reaching out to girls
loved ones trying to reach out to me...


and so basically i have to replace these urges that i have whenever i want to get lonely with values that are important to me in a specific situation? ie doing work, cleaning my room, whatever...

learning a little more from lesson 46...


a day or so ago i learned something pretty important. i think i've been struggling with learning how to deal with urges correctly. i've started to try to make some work over the past few weeks until something literally clicked in my head...i realized the whole urge...


the whole thing that i'm trying to replace is this "urge". this emotion. this sometimes powerful high that i need to replace with a value or an activity that is congruent to the healthy lifestyle that i want to live.

and i started to make sense of it before that the point i need to stop myself is when i experience the urge and not during the ritual, but i think i always struggled with understanding what i needed to replace.


it can seem so complicated but it's really not. it's really this intense emotion that i'm replacing.


and since i've been able to consciously recognize it, i think i'm at the point where i can FINALLY ingrain satisfaction when overcoming urges, which will hopefully make them less and less significant as the weeks continue.

sigh. that feels good.

but it's even more than just urges. for example, this morning i was sort of procrastinating and not really pursuing my activities efficiently. yet i recognized this and literally forced myself to pursue my meaningful values efficiently. so that was something else that felt great..


in other words it doesn't end with urges; it's really the beginning. whenever i find myself not being my best, i can really push myself and replace my weakness with strength. and that would be great!

so yeah. off to a good start,

what I learned today 5/21/2011


I learned something pretty important from yesterday’s slip that I would like to share. well, it wasn’t a slip where I masturbated, but viewing pornography is a slip up for me.

And I’m happy that I am able to break it down and find the chain that lead to it.

It all started around the evening when I was leaving the gym and there was this beautiful girl that I saw. the problem is that the thought of even having a conversation didn’t even cross my mind with her. after discussing this with my therapist, we both concluded that the combination of my expiereineces lead me to feel so afraid because...beacuse I honestly felt that it wouldn’t be worth it if I felt that I would be alone later in my life, which is something that I have been struggling to overcome.

This awareness is good because now in the future when I see a girl that I would love to talk to, I’m realizing that I need to question this with sipmle questions like...

Why am I afraid right now? What would happen if she rejects me? Accepts me? Simple questions like this because I realize this fear over socializing with women is a very undeveloped part of my life, which is of course due to pornography.


Continuing on with the evening.

Since I just moved to this new city, I really don’t know anyone, so hanging out on the weekends have been kind of lonely at times. thankfully i’ve been lucky to go out a few times, yet not all the time. So going out during the weekends I think is a good time for connecting.

And so I was feeling really alone last night, which was a Friday, because of the combination of not knowing who to hang out with and feeling down about not talking to that girl put me in a hole. I tried to make myself feel better by doing activities such as doing some laundry, buying groceries...but it wasn’t able to replace it.

For the rest of the evening it atually got a lot worse because I thought writing alone would help me feel better. I thought it would help me escape from my problems and I can channel this negative emotion into something beautiful on paper. Yet the problem is that it just allowed me to isolate myself even further during a time when I really needed to connect with someone.

It isolated me further and this lead me to having an urge to make myself feel better through viewing pornography.


I’m starting to understand that I need to connect with people just like any other person on this planet. It’s necessary for me and damn healthy. When I started to feel lonely in the beginning, I now understand that I should have taken this as a warning that it would be wise for me to try to find some people to hang out with on a Friday night, and not isolate myself further by writing and things like that. Sure, I may not have an urge every time I write during a weekend night, yet I have to be aware of my emotions. And this was a good learning step.

TIme to go now....

One of the things that my counselor helped me with was my fear. I tend to be a fearful person. He said that I need to realize that my fears are all really fears of myself, fears of what I will think of myself if I fail something, or fear of what I will think of myself if I do something not as well as I hoped I would. Contained in that fear is the "as well as I hoped I would" which is an expectation that I have on myself. By maintaining that expectation, I am trying to control the outcome rather than just doing my best and accepting the outcome. Accepting things is a big lesson that I need to learn and practice. My counselor said that controlling things, or having the feeling that I am controlling things, is an illlusion; I really don't have control over much of what happens, what others do, etc. I think that wanting that control is part of what causes fear and the other part is worrying about my own judgement of myself.

definitely agree with you.

i've also come to realize in the past few weeks that fear really is the illusion in our minds. i've been testing sometimes "well if i created this fear, then i can eliminate it"...sometimes it's work. but yeah.

it's good to realize that we use fear to control our lives when we obviously don't have much control over. so if we just accept that, and let ourselves grow, then fear may become a distant in our lives.

until we tackle the next thing that we're afraid of. but it's a growing process.

beginning of lesson 47...


receiving advice/comfort from a loved one (family/friend). this has been an incredibly huge trigger of mine b/c i would just rather be alone than to have the people that care for me the most to help me. and this would actually make me snap out at them, isolate myself, and then to lead to manage my low with a high through masturbation/urge.

i then have been recognizing about this. i have been recognizing about the idea that immediately when i am getting defensive and pulling away, this is the time to basically REACH out to my parents/loved ones. to reach out when they are trying to reach towards me, and to accept what i don’t want to hear. and what’s the best way to reach out? to try to agree with them or something like that? to not run away or get angry but to....listen to oti? wow. that seems easy enough. to listen and thus accept what they’re telling me! wow that is something that i should give a try! instead of just pulling away when they are trying to help me, but to stay right where i am and let the words pour all around me. to let their help inside of me. to just listen to their words. wow that sounds so good. that really does sound pretty incredible to do something like that! i would like to do that :)


with a girl that i am attracted to. a girl that i am with and she turns me down! she’s just not interested or i just don’t even try. i would just assume that she’s not even interested. and that’s my breaking point basically. that’s the start of the ritual. NOT the thought of just speaking with a girl, yet when i immediately dismiss in my head that she’s not interested in me...that’s the beginning of a ritual....because if i immediately dismiss the idea that she’s interested in me...then i am setting myself up to be alone and thus will need to manage this unnecessary stress through masturbation. so yeah.

it’s obviously bad. so how do i replace this? how do i replace this emotional response where i feel like i won’t be able to have anything with this girl or that i will just be alone for the rest of my life? to let the girl in! to realize that i cannot control all of the outcomes in a conversation and to just....listen to her and relax! wow. relax. that’s a first time for me...to really just listen to her and when she says something that is interesting, to get to know her a little better. in other words, i need to try. i really need to try with girls. that’s what i replace. instead of pulling away, like with my parents/loved ones, i need to let them in. and with girls, the only way i can let them is by listening as well! to yes, be asking questions and even funny at times, yet you can only be letting someone in when you are LISTENING to their words. wow, that is so interesting for me. that is something huge that i obviously need to work on...listening to people’s words.

because before i think i was just controlling everything. i was just controlling everything when i was talking with people. i would try to be funny and try to make others laugh and basically try to not show myself! just trying to hide myself! so afraid and so scared that i just couldn’t be! how awful is that...i just couldn’t be. i just couldn’t listen because i was so afraid that they will get to see me. i was so afraid to let someone in. and now. i realize.

i realize the importance of listening. because when you do, you’re letting someone in. emotionally that is. and that’s exactly what i need to do. listen to what they’re saying and to reach out if my heart wants to!

cont. of lesson 48 and others

Another scenario of where I may experience an urge is a situation that will involve a feeling of failure. For example...if I go to work and I am just not doing well. If I mess up in a task. And if it is a big mistake for example...and then I may feel down. regardless of what it is, I know I just may become really upset at myself for who I am. Just really upset at myself for being a failure.

I will then isolate myself. I will isolate myself (at least in my head) and then maybe from others. I will isolate myself and then this will lead to masturbation eventually or urges of wanting to view pornography or fantasies to relieve the stress.

I have to realize that as soon as I feel like a failure. I have to realize that that is wrong. Yet not only do I have to accept that that is a false belief and I can be great with hard work, yet that I should also try to anticipate the emotions associated with it....which that i will most likely tend to feel worse throughout the day.


wow. that’s really smart and incredible. to literally pick out the small pieces of emotions that are linked together to form a balance.

i receive a trigger. then i ANTICIPATE that i will most likely feel worse. and then i anticipate that i will want to relieve that feeling through masturbation. man. how gross.


but yeah.

okay. so if i am starting to feel down over a mistake. i have to realize that’s acceptable. yet to not beat myself up and feel like a failure. i have to replace this with something. well i do know that...i first need to fight this thinking...i have to fight it and replace it with something. i have to fight this thinking and realize that it is wrong and that i need to replace this thinking with something else. but that if i am at work. i can literally pick my head up and do the next activity that is thrown at me so i can prove myself. do the next activity that i can prove myself that i am not a failure. even if it’s not just “a” event but i am upset about my life at the moment. instead of heading down a path of just negative thoughts, i need to fight it and get up and prove to myself that i can succeed. i need to reinforce positive energy when i’ve never done that before. i need to reinforce positive energy for the first time in my life when i’ve surrounded myself with negative energy. it’s hard. really hard. but yeah. that’s what i need to do.

and small steps. whenever i feel i am feeling down b/c of my career situation, i need to anticipate that i will probably thing about the feeling of failure. and that i will most likely want to isolate myself. and i need to replace these negative feelings with things to build upon. i need to grow up.

***

what’s another realistic urge that can happen?

meeting a girl that i get along with? or a girl that i am physically attracted to? i think that i would just immediately reject the idea that i can have anything with them and thus i will want to be alone. as soon as i reject the idea that i cannot ahve them THIS is when i will begin the cycle of masturbation. because if i cannot get with htem, if ia m immediately doomed for failure for the rest ofmy life, then i have....then my only choice is to be alone.

yet....of course my mind will want to fight it and to replace it though. of course my mind will want to masturbate because i wouldn’t want to alone. naturally.


and i have to realize that’s wrong. i have to listen to this voice and realize that i need to make efforts to reach out to people. that’s what i need to do right hten. that’s the value action that needs to happen. to reach out to people and to get up. to get up and prove to myself that i am not going to be alone. little by little. defeating this mask that has kept me under water for so long...


but yeah. yeah. that’s good though. very good. i should read a lesson. i want to go back to one of the earlier ones though...and try to put some pieces together...try to put some pieces together. that would be good.

okay. but i also just want to think about what i was thinkinga bout ealrier about this idea ofthe COOKIE. i completley forgot about the cookie when the cookie was a huge part of informatoin that i learned last time that i feel like could really help me right now a lot.


and for my cookie....what do i remember about it? well i remember some of the important pieces...i remember the idea that the piece of...


that the pieces are made of...


sensory (visual, touch)
fantasy

and mainly those three right then and there. yeah...basically those three right then and there. and basically i realize d that they all really worked together to create my fantsay...oh yeha getting drunk was also included....but i don’t drink anymore.


and basically i realize that i receive urges involving all 3 different of these parts.

i can use information that i’ve learned to cereata fantasy. or that i can stimulate my self through touch or visualizing. either work fine really.


but it all really comes down to that though. it all really comes down to that. it all really comes down ot this thought...this thought of sitmulating myself through informatoin that i’ve gained to create a fanatasy...or what i know actually...to also having a thought to touch myself to make myself feel good or to look at it to make myself feel really good. but i feel that when i want a sensory...those are usually the biggest urges. those are the strongest because it usually involves my senses...and not just a thought.

those are the hardest ones to control. those are the ones that really REALLY need to be on lockdown because those are obviously the ones that feel the best! but...not in a good way...anymore...but...that’s what i need to do and realize.

so...how do i stop those? because i do have to admit...those are the ones when i’m actually thinking the LEAST! it’s an urge...a surge of emotions that takes over you to just touch myself or view it. even though i know it’s wrong. but that’s why it’s so incredibly important to be able to anticipate it. to be able to understand my emotions and the link of events that create it.

to understand how i will most likely deal with something when i am feeling really bad about something. to know when i will want to do it and not only that but to replace it.


but also...also the idea of touching myself. that’s the worse part :( that’s the part that really really hurts...or even viewing it actually :( i won’t even be allowed to do that. it doesn’t matter if i won’t even masturbate...i’m not even allowed to enjoy the damn urge anymore.


that’s really gonna suck!!!! i know. i know. i hate it. it’s literally something that is being taken away from me. something that was so good to me. i’m not allowed to enjoy anymore. it’s quite sad.

i know...i’ve literally only had 2 orgasms over about..7 months. and i’m not even close to being there!

i know the main thing lies with this urge. it’s literally one of the final steps to just removing this addiction and entering health. i know it is. that is why i need to UNDERSTAND IT. understand it completely so i can remove it permanently. so what do i need to do exactly?


i need to realize that these are my three cookies. and the biggest ones are clearly SIGHT and touch. SIGHT is just overwhelming to the core. TOUCH is just secondary but it can also be incredibly powerful and hard to ignore.

so what do i need to do with all of these? well i know about the idea of the series of chains. that’s incredibly important knowledge that i’ve gained. about this idea of series of chains. these series of chains. and to be able to anticipate the emotion.


that’s something i never really thought about until tonight. the idea of anticipating the emotion. for example...it will just make it really to spot it if i just recognize what i will feel in the future in response to a trigger. for example, the idea of feeling like a failure after i mess up at work.

it really helps not only to recognize that htis is false and that i need to do something to repalce it...but i will be doing something to replace it because of the FEELING that i will experience in the future is a feeling that will most likely lead to masturbation. i really like that idea. that works well.

so basically i will be replacing the feelings (leading towards masturbation) with another feeling (a value) that will then build a positive response in my life. a positive ladder. wow i really like that.

that’s why it is so incredibly important to not just have these values but to also know my feelings. i know...that’s been something that i’ve been avoiding a lot. until recently. and it makes sense that i never understood urges because i always avoided my feelings.

but yeah. i like that a lot actually. that idea of anticipating the emotions that i will be feeling. i know that i was basically replacing the emotion...the feeling...the urge...the imbalance with something else. yet it becomes so much more mechanical once i recognize that i can ANTICIPATE that emotion...wow. that is awesome. i feel like i’ve just learned another piece to the puzzle! i know i should read more carefully but...i got it now!


but yeah. that’s really nice. i like that a lot. that idea of anticipating the emotions. just another example. the idea that i am going to be talking with my parents. and that if i have a bad conversation and they are trying to give me advice. i should anticipate that not only will i want to isolate myself further after feeling bad, or even before the conversation, but also that i will most likely feel alone, or believe that i will be alone after the conversation. or that i can even anticipate that i will actually be defensive during the convesation!


because that’s actually the real trigger. no, the real trigger is them saying something encouraging to me. and i should anticipate before i speak with them that i will most likely want to be defensive. and i have to realize that being defensive will lead to me feeling alone later and then experiencing the urge to balance out my emotions.

what i should do when i anticipate that i am going to be defensive, is to listen. to listen to them and to ACCEPT their words. that’s really hard. really, REALLY hard. but i really need to try. wow. that sounds great. wow i feel like i am figuring this out right now...

it’s literally a ladder of a positive chain. once you recognize your weakness that was your problem, you have to focus on what you can change it to make it your strength or something that you can improve upon.


for example. i will go to work tomorrow. and i should anticipate that if i have another lengthy conversation with my boss, that i will most likely begin to have fantasies about her. and i have to anticipate this. i’m guessing...

or do you anticipate after you experience the trigger? or both...you can anticipate what you may feel if you will experience a trigger in a certain way....but wow...building this base is incredible knowledge right now. i really do like this :)

um. yeah. basically when i am speaking with my...boss...or before i will...i need to anticipate that her ATTRACTION is the trigger for fantasy...because she really is attractive. and so i really need to...anticipate this trigger that i may have...and replace it with something else.

how about...courtesy and attentiveness to what she is saying! that’s hard. that’s really damn hard...to really really focus when you’re going to have a lengthy conversation with her...to really push yourself and ensure that you’re paying attention to her words, and being sure that you’re understanding the directions the best to your abilities...and if something trails off...just be sure to ask her and things like that!

wow that sounds great. that sounds really good. to basically just make a plan for all of these important situations. and it’s great because i’m hoping that it’s knowledge that can be used to chip away at my addiction and replace it with something real. and yes, improving my communication skills is definitely a value of mine. wow. this is awesome. i really need to get back to doing this everyday. this felt fantastic right now. really good.

let me just reiterate.


okay.


this is really all based on planning. planning and making changes to improve yourself. that’s what it really is about. to eliminate a self-destructive habit and allow yourself to grow. but to have it in every situation. in every. the more situations you can instill these positive efforts into, the better off you will be.


so yeah. for the idea of...speaking with your parents. anticipate that you may get defensive. and when you do...replace it with something else. because that is when the trigger starts...much earlier than before...much earlier than a series of events that leads you to masturbating...that’s the final stage actually. don’t you see? if you correct yourself at the trigger...then you will be taking steps to improve who you are...instead of destorying yourself.

and the more often you do this...the better. and yeah. it’s a slow process. it’s a slow process and i know i’m working on a lot a lot of things. yet i need to make this my priority again. i really need to in order to eliminate this :) so yeah. of course you cannot anticipate all scenes...yet if you can anticipate the major ones that’s obviously a great start. and another thing. yeah with failure. i guess just anticipate that when you’re at work that you may feel like that.

or maybe...you can’t walk throughout the day with all of these anticipatioins.


but you have to realize that when you feel something. when you ahve a trigger taht will eadl you down a sad road...realize that you can replace it with something good. force yourself even though you don’t want to. and that will be good for you :)

Hi lostkid,

You have made great progress and your commitment to yourself and overcoming your addiction is clear. Well done so far.

I just wanted to comment on your last post to perhaps change your perspective a bit.



That's actually a normal feeling...to mourn the loss of these feelings that have provided you with such comfort over the years. I know a few times in my own recovery, it has been difficult to accept that I can never feel that same excitement again (or at least in the same way).

But the way you should start to think about it is, feeling that emotional stimulation is taking up the emotional energy that could be going towards another values-based activity. You can come to feel just as excited about a values-based activity. But not until you give up your unhealthy compulsions.

So when such an urge arises, don't hate that you can't indulge. Rather, recognize the urge as both a threat to your values and vision, but also as an opportunity to use those values and vision to guide you in your decision-making and choices. And be happy that you are at a point where such a recognition can be made and acted on in a healthy way.



Also remember that urges will never permanently go away. All an urge is telling you is that emotionally, you are unbalanced. So it kicks in your compulsive rituals because that is what is ingrained. Once you retrain yourself, the same urge could prompt you to go for a bike ride. Or read a book. Whatever it is that you value that brings you fulfillment.

So remember, trying to get rid of the urges permanently shouldn't be your goal. Such urges will always exist, to an extent. You've simply learned to deal with those urges by acting out using compulsive sexual behaviours. Your urges regarding sexual/romantic acting out will decrease significantly, to be replaced with healthy values-based activities. But eventually, they will just be recognized as a time when your life is out of balance and you will act on that. That's the emotional maturity we're trying to learn.

You're doing good work, my friend. Keep at it.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

guys
just wanted to say LK its great to see you back in harness, meaning it like you never even took a short sabatical

FT great insight in your response

finally remember not masturbating, or not acting out in any way is not a terminal illness,
fill your lives with happiness healthily
great work from the both of you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

lesson 17 review



I was just reading over lesson 17 now because it was an addition to what I was learning yesterday and I’m glad I did. Even though everyone has their own specific cookies to achieve their orgasm, i still feel that they can be huge urges/artificial highs even if they are not all combined simultaneously.

For example, the fantasy that someone can experience. It’s interesting to me that people can master the fantasies in their mind that they are just as good as reality, which can confuse the addict between the two. This is definitely something I felt I was on the path of genuinely being unable to tell the difference between my reality and my fantasy. But I know that over the past few years I have been able to just arouse myself by a single thought. I realized that recently it’s been with just some information received. I don’t even need a visual! I can just gain some information and then I can use it to my advantage to increase my emotions so I can feel better.

The same thing goes for self stimulation and sight. I think it’s quite interesting just the power that these have on the human body. They are so natural...it’s just incredible how the sight of something...something that you see! can just raise your emotional status to feeling an artificial high. to just make yourself feel really good just by viewing something. of course, there are reasons behind the individual for why he is viewing it. reasons that can lead to an attachment to this high and preventing that person to develop to their potential because of managing their lives through this high instead of achieving any meaningful goals. that’s interesting.

and it’s also interesting to me this idea of...how i realize i need to at the core cut off these cookies! wow. damn! :( not again! i realize that i need to cut off the strings of these cookies that literally raise my emotions now. for example, just the idea of looking at a girl. even though i’m not going to masturbate when i see a girl now, i know it can slightly raise my emotional status. it can give me a high. and basically i need to learn to replace this high with something else. just by looking at people as normal throughout the day instead of anything else.

or the idea of even slightly touching myself. i know that this can be bad because i know it can get me aroused. i know at this stage of my recovery this is a bad choice to make. very bad indeed because i am fueling up a section that was once a big cookie in my life. so yeah.


but the biggest thing that i learned from lesson 17 was when it says “short term feelings of success can become quite intoxicating--especially when the alternative is to face a reality that is filled with perceived failure.” i just think that’s so funny to me because i really never thought of it like this before.

I never understood the idea of accomplishment in relation to masturbation. wow. that really makes a lot of sense. i knew before that i was making myself feel good after having an orgasm. but i didn’t realize that this feeling of accomplishment is something that i am also replacing in my life. this feeling of accomplishing by working towards meaningful goals in my life and actually making myself feel good through realistic values...that’s accomplishment right there.

yet i forgot that that was exactly what i was doing before. i was accomplishing and feeling proud of something that was just with...masturbation! i was accomplishing a feeling and getting better at mastering it! that’s that! nothing profound. no real goals. just something that is incredibly short term and that’s that. i mean...there’s nothing wrong with masturbation. and i’m pretty sure others who masturbate to pornography may just do it for the fun of it at times...but that’s because they most likely are stable people with real goals that they are actively pursuing in their lives.

yet for me...i always THOUGHT about other goals. yet enver purused them. however, i seemed to always have time to masturbate. and it was an endless cycle of just living an undeveloped, unhealthy, and distorted lifestyle. time after time i was positively reaffirming myself with this feeling of “success” after i masturbated. that, i was doing something right in my life. an ACTUAL goal that i was good at...COMPARED to my reality, which i always looked down upon.


it actually makes sense really...if i felt like a failure in my life, which is a false belief i struggle with, why wouldn’t i go to masturbation? it’s a goal and a feeling that i can control in my life and it is something that i know i am good at. mainly, it is something that i know i have complete control over and that it gives me an incredible feeling.

so yeah. going back to the idea of human nature that wae are proned to go after something that gives us pleasure...of course it would make sense if i grew up with some...negative and unhealthy beliefs about who i was...that i would deal with it in unhealthy ways. :(

thankfully, though a lot of things are coming together. i have been working as well trying to slowly change these false beliefs that i’ve learned about myself through therapy. and i’m also realizing that i need to put a stop to these artifical highs that will continue to want to be fed.

i know what i need to do. i’ll refer back to these lessons for future guidance, yet i know that i need to first a) anticipate my emotions (especially when i’m feeling down) b) replace these negative emotions with positive ones and ones that are congruent to my core. the sooner i catch these negative emotions that can lead back to dealing with life to my old favorite cookie, the sooner i can slowly detach myself from that cookie and attach myself to realistic accomplishments.

hey Kenzo and Forwardthinker,

Thank you for your advice. I think again in my last post I was feeling sad about this feeling. And thanks for making me aware of that...that urges won't go away but it's not a bad thing because I can redirect it towards something meaningful in my life. However, it's still something that I feel sad about...regardless that I'm working towards replacing it with my values, it still gives me an ache inside :( haha it's like I really REALLY don't want to do anymore lessons.

I think it's because I know I'm getting there. I know I'm really really getting there to getting a good full picture of this. I think that's why I honestly stopped doing the lessons for a few months. I think it was my addiction that was afraid to give it up. Slowly taking stabs at it. Yet now I think and hope but most importantly feel that it is time to get back on that saddle and ride forward again.

I really don't want to get rid of it but I think I honestly feel that way because I know I don't have a choice. I truly don't have a choice IF I want to live a healthy life, which I do.

and that hurts :(

but get up! and time for bed.

LostKid

emotional update & recent discoveries

I just wanted to write an update about my emotions right now and also about some of the things that I have discovered recently, which I won’t be surprised if that triggers a response.

A few days ago I finally started to unravel...something which I would call delusional relationships. Delusional and imaginary relationships that my mind was holding on to for years and years with some girls that I genuinely believed we had a real connection and that I would somehow be with them in the future.

But that’s the whole point of it. I wouldn’t be with them in the future, yet the thought was better than facing reality without anyone to “hope” for.

I’ve realized that some experiences in my childhood influenced how I have relationships. My lack of opening up with people and sharing similar interests with others. Or with girls when they would like me I would tend to ignore them or to find myself being rude to them. All of these sad and lonely techniques i would use to block myself off from and the rest of the world I would use to protect myself.

I also started to realize that I was also my best friend. Not only that, but that I believed I would be the only one I could have a realistic relationship with...just by myself. And at times, when things were hard, I could dream about the delusional relationships to make it a little less lonely.

Yet I’m happy to say I’ve been making a lot of progress with opening myself up to people. For one, I have been able to approach more girls recently (not this past week though :/) and to talk to them without a FEAR of being alone forever. Just a lot of things that I uncovered in therapy really has given me a lot of knowledge and work to just be a little bit less afraid, which is obviously great.

But even though I’ve been trying to open up more to girls, I still found my mind going back to these happy thoughts of some girls in the past to make myself feel better. Until I realized that I was the one controlling everything...

Like everything else related to this addiction, I am now starting to understand the idea of control and fear. We control things because we are afraid of what might happen in reality. It’s easier to control things in your mind because it’s easier than falling down in reality.

Well, not anymore.

As soon as I realized that I was the one controlling these imaginary relationships with girls in the past, I soon realized that...it’s not like I’m holding on to them because I still have a really big crush on them...but just because they’ve been an easy way for me to deal with reality :/ they’ve just been a source...a target...that I can hold on to to make myself feel better.

It wasn’t ever about them that we shared something incredibly profound that my heart just felt heavy without them. It was more that...it was more out of selfishness to make myself feel better. not love. but fear. driven out of fear by unhealthy belief systems that I am now challenging, which is good.


I just want to write a little bit about a plan about my emotional status and how things may change and what I need to do.

I’m aware about the importance of being able to ANTICIPATE my emotions. for example, if I actually start feeling unhealthy sad and lonely thoughts...or better yet if I speak with my parents and they are trying to reach out to me...I may initially try to pull away from them. I may get angry and try to isolate myself from them and thus lead to urges to deal with it in unhealthy ways.

To things that I would need to do in these type of situations.

For example...the first one is to be AWARE when I’m being defensive and WHY. I would need to allow myself to open up. I’ve learned that the best way for me to open up is to LISTEN to them. To listen to what they’re telling me and to STOP blocking them off. That is probably the healthiest way to deal with it. Challenging for me, definitely, yet definitely something to overcome. And that would be awesome to do that.

But if I don’t do that. Or even if I do do that yet I still want to pull away, I have to realize and anticipate that I may want to deal with it in unhealthy ways. I may have urges to stimulate myself through touch, fantasizing about other girls/objectifying other guys to deal with it, or urge to visualize it on my computer.

I have to be aware that these are all possibilities regardless if I have a good conversation with my parents...or with girls or whatever. because I have to be aware that the fear that I have lived with is huge. I have lived with it for years and that it will take a while to overcome. And it definitely won’t be erased in a few trial runs.

But so let’s say I find myself down on a path that will lead to it. What will be some of the decisions that I would make? Well...procrastinating on the computer...objectifying girls around me instead of listening to them.

And these are all things that can be replaced. Huge but little events that I can choose to replace. For example, with girls in my reality, I just need to listen to them better and make a conversation off similar interests instead of controlling the conversation through comedy. I still tend to do this yet I know I’ll make progress towards having real conversations.

This was a good way to start my Saturday :)

and yeah. I’ve felt emotionally much more stable this past week due to putting back the effort in RN. Will definitely continue it.

Health Monitoring 6/5


Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals. "On Tuesday, I took out my guitar and just played for my kids. Took the time to teach them a few notes. It was meaningful to me." This, as opposed to...'music, kids...'

This past week has been incredible. Probably one of the best weeks...in a very long time. I know I have to rearrange my value sheet but here are the main areas where I derived meaning:

-opening up to people. I’ve lived with an incredible fear my entire life of always being alone. Regardless of how irrational it is, I’m slowly starting to CHIP away at it. This weekend was great because I was able to just make simple conversations and little bit of friendship with some cute girls at my dance class and this part-time job I started. I didn’t get their numbers, but something is just changing inside of me. I’m starting to BELIEVE in myself that I don’t have to be alone and that I can be happy like all of the other couples around me. It’s been quite a bit of a rush, yet I’m very happy with the little steps I’ve been taking in one of the most important values. In fact, THE most important value in my life.

-lifting. this has been something that has been actually draining me a little bit. Basically I know I can get bigger muscles and things like that, yet it’s only going to happen WHEN I eat a lot 24/7. It’s just been a frustrating value for me because I just haven’t been as dedicated with eating little meals throughout the day. But I really want to try to dedicate this week to do that, which I’ll write about below. I also haven’t been able to run this week, which was my HUGE value booster before, but I’ve rested my foot plenty and I should be hitting the roads tomorrow morning! (hopefully pain free, too!)

-jobs. As a semi-unemployed worker, I’ve been improving a lot with overcoming my fear of failure. To just accept that the difficult career that I’ve chosen is going to be putting aside my ego and just getting down to the grunt work. I’ve been doing a lot better this past week where I started working at this part-time job and am slowly learning to put a positive attitude for things I just don’t want to do!


Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Biggest pressure? Stressors? Yeah probably with my job hunting and lifting actually. But these were thoughts that I wasn’t kept up all night. Even though I do wake up scared in the morning, yet that’s a different issue that I’ll discuss with my therapist! But no, I’ve felt great this week.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior?)

There were times this past week that I had the opportunity to turn to compulsive behavior but...thankfully didn’t even though I was interested. For example, I think this was on Thursday...or Tuesday...yeah I think I was actually feeling down for not really having a job (I’m working part-time but it’s “volunteer”) and I remember...yeah that was it I was searching on the internet for job searches and lol ironically I somehow came across a girl that I was attracted to through looking at some pictures (just regular ones with clothes on) lol and then I actually found she was in the adult entertainment business in her filmography. It was weird because I remember my heart beat increasing before I knew she was in that business and it’s almost as if my body KNEW who she was before I knew who she was. anyways I didn’t waste anytime on that, yet I do remember that feeling.

And just a few little times of fantasy thoughts entering in. It’s interesting because I can detect it and feel my heart race up a bit, yet I don’t know why...for some reason I feel like I’m actually letting go :( :( :( and I don’t want to!

No wonder I actually never dedicated myself to “technically” doing a health monitoring. Even though I was actively pursuing it in my life, I wasn’t trying to ingrain it through these simple questions.

:( but it’s part of the path.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.

Well yeah I won’t be home this weekend but during the week I will really try to be developing all of the important values above 1) relationships, 2) health 3) ??? this shifts between organization/writing/cooking.


but yeah. to be healthy...or to be gaining weight i just have to ensure that i am basically eating all the time...with peanut butter sandwich to apples to nuts to things like that...anything and to just make sure i’m eating OK!

with relationships...to try to remember to continue to open up with my parents whenever they are reaching out to me and to also try to make sure that i am...opening up to others around me and trying to have real conversations instead of anything artificial. that would be nice to do that. yup.

positive step!

hello. i've been doing well. really well. talking with therapist is definitely helping me a lot. yet i just wanted to post something quickly where all of what i learned came into play.


i'm honestly not sure why, but i should look into it, yet i remember i had a slight fantasy last night that i was able to quickly ignore. today, after i came home from an interview, tired and such, i literally just past out on my bed for a long nap. and then when i woke up...i literally wanted to physically stimulate myself!

and i'm just glad that i know that ALL of these pieces come together. all of them. physical touch, sight, fantasy...they all form this cookie. and that i know...i recognize that they come to you when you're most vulnerable. that's the hard part about getting over this. you can break it down and everything, yet until i really start replacing it, one by one, when i am most low and sad, then i will begin to really chip away at this.


but i overcame this little urge by just...folding my clothes instead! but yeah. a little positive reinforcement and back to my day!

okay. i know. i have a lot of things to do. but before i start to work on anymore lessons i want to just perhaps look over some of my values and some of the things that have happened over the past few days.

i...

i was really sad when i went home this weekend how i was struggling to open up to my brother. it was a surprise. me and my other sibling surprised him for his birthday. he didn’t know we were coming and he was in tears when he saw us. he was so happy and i was unable to cry. i eventually was able to have a great time but i was unable to feel this pivotal moment when i needed to. i needed to feel this moment and i just didn’t. i wasn’t able to and that sucked. and honestly i just feel like...it’s because of this addiction.


and yeah. i’ve been thinking a lot about my values ever since i was having really bad urges last week. i think over the past few months i’ve been able to manage my urges because of some of my important values in my life such as running, writing, and RN.

i honestly feel like these have been my bread and butter over the past few months that allowed me to finally live a better life, yet it makes sense why everything fell apart last week because over the past three weeks...i wasn’t consistent with none of these three value!

well i think RN was in there, but running wasn’t since i was injured. and i wasn’t having as much time for writing because i was so dedicated to lifting, which is a value that i honestly don’t care about.


but now i’m realizing that i need things to change.

i should take out my big list...actually i’ll paste it below and revise it and things like that



proactive 1
HERITAGE
-enrolling in dance classes (will finally be possible with more available time).
-speaking the foreign language only with mother. Not when I want to. But all the time.

CLEANLINESS
-clean my room and keep it clean.
-buy my own nail clipper and clip them once a week.
-shower well by soaping and cleaning my entire body.
-never reusing clothes
-do my laundry before it overflows.

PHYSICAL
-continue to do cardio at least four times a week. Never less.
-continue to lift weights at least four times a week.
-plan for competitive racing in the spring. If continue with swimming, sign up for swimming races. If begin running again, sign up for running lessons.

proactive 2
SPIRITUALITY
-begin reading the bible. Begin slow by reading one passage a day.
-sign up for soup kitchens when weekends become available. I would feel very, very good of myself for doing this. Even if not often, that would make me happy.
-thank and pray to God.

LOVE
-Tell my mother, father, and sister I love them.
-To write letters to close friends in college/high school that are far away.
-To physically embrace friends/family through meaningful, loving hugs!

FEELING
-Begin playing my acoustic guitar again (buy new strings)
-Dancing
-Competitive racing/cardio
-Music concerts?

HEALTH
-include fruits and vegetable into my diet
-do not sleep less than 7 hours. Set alarm clock of when to go to bed.
-decrease heavy drinking. Preferably none. Learn to enjoy my friends instead of the alcohol. Can begin by abstinence for drinking.

MATURITY
-Learning to cook. Get one lesson every Monday from mother with available time now.
-Keep up to date with current events by reading WSJ. Begin by reading just one article a day!
-Even though I’m busy, making time to do my own laundry instead of my mother.

SOCIALLY
-Engage in conversations when I want to with strangers
-Ask girls out for dates when I want to. Experience is needed!
-Compliment others
-Be courteous to others
-Engage in meaningful conversations.
-Develop acquaintance “hi and byeâ€\\

health
creativity
sexual addiction
education
heritage
cleanliness
relationships

yeah. interesting. i still have the same goals that i had since last fall. they are slightly a little different yet i now feel better prepared to achieve them. but most importantly...i think there was a fear. there was a huge fear in progressing in all of them. to grow in each section of them. some of them, like organizing and cooking, were easy to do because they aren’t...as emotionally fulfilling as others. not to say that they weren’t meaningful to me.

but i think it’s interesting. i’m not sure if sexual addiction can be a value...yet in a way i feel it is. i think i gain strength everyday when i spend time to learning about it. when i spend time trying to figure out and engaging in conversations on the forum about it. i learn. i grow. and i am proud that i am ultimately facing my biggest fear and weakness that i also am trying to relinquish. so yeah. that’s important.


but the top four values are these:

health
creativity
relationships
sexual addiction

the following three after them are:

heritage
education
cleanliness.


basically for health working out is important for me.. yet before in the previous months i was so scared going after what was really important...which is to prove to myself that i can push myself and my body to my limits when it counts.

and it’s weird because the past few months i was running yet i was so dedicated with lifting weights when i’m not interested really in lifting weights. i was giving up early and not trying and not going after what i really want to do...which is racing. and now...

now i’m going to be doing racing. but first i know i have to build a base before i’ll get my speed...and most importantly if i can run without pain in the knees/shins/feet! but hopefully it will be better with htis new stride i’ve been owrking on yet i got to keep on owrking on it. but yeah. to build my base, then my speed, and then ready to rae and i would be so happpy to race and to believe in myself and to push myself. that would be great.

and yeah. relationships are slowly growing with my parents and closed ones. i’m not shutting them out as much anymore but am slowly letting them in. i’m slowly letting htem in and having conversations without being defensive to my parents. sure, it may happen still...but as i’m more aware of it, it happens less. it happens less and less

writing. writing my thoughts out for stories is so important. it’s my source of creativity and i cherish it and it’s the best time of the day. in other words, the only thing i need to do is to just set some time everyday to writing. preferably five days a week at least 1 hr a day. not asking too much right? right!

and that’s what i was lacking the past motnh or so because i was spending my limited time at the gym lifting weights when it’s not very important for me.

and yeah. i think that’s important for me to realize. that now i am going to be making time for the things that are important to me.

like dancing on the weekends has been awesome! and i would looooove to make a session to go rock climbing. somehow...maybe if that was on sundays. i have to see but that would be awesome to do as well.

but yeah. things are starting to fall in place.


and i have to recognize about my action plans.

every time. every thought that i have that is directed at increasing my stimulation via fantasy, touch, visual...i have to replace it. i really have to cahnge the ways i view girls as i am aware it’s still not healthy. i need to replace these fantasy thoughts in my head of others that have been bothering me lately.

yet i realized something important yesterday.

i realized that I AM the one controlling those type of thoughts. i am the one controlling those...controlling these...fantasy thoughts.


and if i am the one controlling them...i can choose to replace them with something else that is congruent to my values. and by doing htis. i will finally finally be isolating the addiction. and removing it further from my life.

but yeah. it’s weird. hopefully things will begin to click even more so now that i know the goals that i want to achieve and am becoming less afraid of them. and am wanting to...to separate myself...it’s just interesting how the urges really do decrease. a lot in fact.

even though i still have urges...i remebmer just last september i would easily give in to masturbation after every 2 or 3 weeks. things changed fast...

and i’ve been in this...limbo state almost for about five months.


but it’s time to move forward. it’s time to really put the time in and isolate myself from it and begin to live through health.

Good.